"Why are you so upset?" "My wife introduced me to her psychiatrist this morning." "So what?" "So she said to him, 'Doctor, this is my husband. You know, one of the men I've been telling you about'." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The new family in the neighborhood overslept, and their six- year-old daughter missed her school bus. The father, though late for work, had to drive her if she'd direct him to the school. They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes - but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home. The father, much annoyed, asked his daughter why she'd led him around in such a circle. The child explained, "That's the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It's the only way I know." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Four youths from Canberra, Australia pulled off a trick of breathtaking bravado in order to gain revenge on a mobile speed camera van operating in the area. Three of the group approached the van and distracted the operator's attention by asking a series of questions about how the equipment worked and how many cars the operator could catch in a day. Meanwhile, the fourth musketeer sneaked to the front of the van and unscrewed its numberplate. After bidding the van operator goodbye, the friends returned home, fixed the number plate to their car and drove through the camera's radar at high speed - 17 times. As a result, the automated billing system issued 17 speeding tickets to itself. The fragrance department of a major New York City store where I shop is always pushing the latest scents. Attractive models move about the floor offering to spray customers with the newest bouquet. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH When Peanut was about 17 she asked if she could use my name as a reference on her resume when she went to apply for her first job at a local fast-food restaurant. I told her, "Of course you can." A few days later she asked me to meet her at the restaurant that afternoon. I asked her why. She replied, "The manager wants me to come in for an interview and she told me to bring my references." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Star-Spangled Banner (The National Anthem of U.S.A) A father took his 5-year-old son to several baseball games where The Star-Spangled Banner was sung before the start of each game. Then the father and son attended a church on a Sunday shortly before Independence Day. The congregation sang The Star- Spangled Banner, and after everyone sat down, the little boy suddenly yelled out, "PLAY BALL!!!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written by a New Orleans paper: A friend just got back from a holiday skiing trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. Conditions were perfect...12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness all over...the "Tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women in the group complained to her husband hat she was in dire need of a rest room. He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 below doesn't help matters. With time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, picking up on the intensity of the pain, suggested that since she was wearing an all-white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods and no one would even notice. He assured her, "The white will provide more than adequate camouflage." So she headed for the tree line, began lowering her ski pants and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you got it!!! She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not forgiving...even during the most embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing backward, out-of-control, racing through the trees...somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and the reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued backwards, totally out-of-control, creating an unusual vista for the other skiers. The woman skied back under the lift and finally collided violently with a pylon. The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then summoned the ski patrol. They transported her to a hospital. While in the emergency room, a man with an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So, how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk. "It was the stupidest thing you ever saw," he said. "I was riding up this ski lift and suddenly, I couldn't believe my eyes! There was this crazy woman skiing backward, out-of-control,down the mountain, with her bare bottom hanging out of her pants. I leaned over to get a better look and fell out of the lift." "So, how'd you break your arm?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A man was on his way home with a new car, which was absorbing all his attention, when it struck him that he had forgotten something. Twice he stopped, counted his parcels, searched his pockets, but finally decided he had everything with him. Yet the feeling persisted. When he reached home his daughter ran out, stopped short, and cried, "Daddy, where's Mommy?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH One day, outside the store's restaurant, a model sprayed two women who had just finished their lunch. When one woman commented that the perfume was too strong, the model replied, "The fragrance will be softer once it dries and the alcohol wears off." "See!" her friend chided. "I told you not to have that second drink." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH The traffic cop stopped the woman for a minor traffic violation. After examining her driver's license in silence for a moment he said, "You know something, this is one of the finest, most realistic pictures I've ever seen. I'm glad to see you aren't one of those vain women who have their photos retouched to remove all the lines in their face," "Sir," she replied icily, "you are looking at my thumb-print." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH TEN TOP INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HMO (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters. (9) Directions to your Doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park." (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles. (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter. (6) The only item listed under Preventative Care coverage is ?n apple a day." (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month. (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out of network charges," is not a typographical error. (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming." (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them. AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HMO: (1) You ask for Viagra, and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape. (My company's HMO plan does not pay the duct tape.) HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH More stupid customer questions: "How many donuts are in a dozen?" "I'd like to buy the Internet. Do you know how much it is?" "The Internet is running too slow. Could you reboot it please?" (At Niagara Falls) "What time do you turn the falls off?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH April and I went to the movies the other day. Right before the show started she whispered to me, "Can you see all right?" "Yes, it's fine," I said. "Your seat comfortable?" "Yes, April, it's fine." "Is there a draft on you?" "No." "Good! Let's trade seats!" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH My wife clipped a job listing out of the paper for me. She said it wasn't much to start out... but a huge pay raise. It read, "Salary: 23k to start. 401k after 1 yr." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says..."If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800- GAMBLER." So, I call them and say, "I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. What do I do?" HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH A man picks up his golf-ignorant girlfriend after he has come from the links. While he's driving the tees in his pocket fall out. His girlfriend asks, "Harry, what are those things that just fell out of your pockets?" "Oh, those are called tees. I put my balls on them when I'm driving." "Oh, well. Ask a silly question, get a silly answer." HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "I love nature, in spite of what it did to me!" --Actress and singer Bette Midler, joking about her larger-than-life personality. HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "I know in my heart and my brain that America ain't what's wrong with the world." -- U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, defending the U.S.- led invasion of Iraq to skeptical European officials HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me." --Noel Coward HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "A singer marries a young man for a few hours and everyone thinks it's cute. It's not cute at all." --EDWARD CARDINAL EGAN, head of the Roman Catholic Church in New York City, apparently referring to BRITNEY SPEARS, in a World Marriage Day address HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way." --Henny Youngman HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH "Creativity begins with the freeing of your mind to move in unaccustomed directions."-- Herbert Benson & William Proctor in their book "The Break-out Principle"