Jetlag I was just in London - there is a 5-hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry. ====================================================================== A Vancouver, British Columbia, pizza restaurant exploded when an employee tried to clean the oven with gasoline. The name of the restaurant: "Dynamite Pizza." ====================================================================== The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills? "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks...............And believe me, it helps me sleep at night." ====================================================================== Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself : Man: "May I buy you a cocktail?" Lady: "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs." Man: "Sorry to hear that. Do they swell?" Lady: "No, they open." ====================================================================== Speaking at the Staff Meeting, a very pert and pretty female engineer named Rene told the male manager of the Division, "I'd like to get something off my chest." "What's that, Rene?" "Your eyes." ====================================================================== The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF). Men from the South will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists: 1. The season opened today. 2. There is no limit. 3. They taste just like chicken. 4. They don't like beer, pickup trucks, country music or Jesus. We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday. ====================================================================== Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case? Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long. Judge: Can't they do without you at work? Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it. ====================================================================== A woman went to her new doctor for a checkup. He turned out to be absolutely gorgeous! He told her he was going to put his hand on her back and he wanted her to say "Eighty-eight." "Eighty-eight," she purred. "Good. Now I'm going to put my hand on your throat and I want you to again say 'Eighty-eight.'" "Eighty...eighhhhtttt." "Fine. Now I'm going to put my hand on your chest and I want you once more to say 'Eighty-eight.'" "One, two, three, four, five..." ====================================================================== At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses. As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence, and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes. Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control." George, ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty, please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses." ====================================================================== "Johnny, where's your homework?" Miss Martin said sternly to the little boy while holding out her hand. "My dog ate it," was his solemn response. "Johnny, I've been a teacher for eighteen years. Do you really expect me to believe that?" "It's true, Miss Martin, I swear," insisted Johnny. "I had to force him, but he ate it!" ====================================================================== During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students: "Michael, if you were on a date,having supper with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?" "Just a minute, I have to go pee." "That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you Peter, how would you say it?" "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back." "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?" "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper.'" The teacher fainted!!!! ====================================================================== An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence. ====================================================================== Q: What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss??? A: A kidney dialysis machine! ====================================================================== An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a clunking noise when going around corners. He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk. Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk." ====================================================================== An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two Canadian government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "you have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances...You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done... " The Chief nodded in agreement. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion... where did the white man go wrong?" The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied .. "When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, Plenty beaver, Women did all the work, Medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, All night having sex." Then the chief leaned back and smiled . "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that." ====================================================================== Inscribed in stone over the great front doors of an old church being restored was: "This is the Gate of Heaven." Just below it someone had placed a small cardboard sign which read: "Use Other Entrance." ====================================================================== [[ Quotez by Business Personality & about Business ]] "Sports is like a war without the killing." -- Ted Turner "If you have to ask how much it costs, you can't afford it." -- J. P. Morgan "The worst thing a man can do is go bald. Never let yourself go bald." -- Donald Trump "Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue." -- Scott Adams. "On the outside, Yahoo is a fun and irreverent place, but on the inside we are extremely competitive." -- Jerry Yang "Exercise is bunk. If you are healthy, you don't need it: if you are sick you should not take it." -- Henry Ford "Trouble shared is trouble halved." -- Lee Iacocca "If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." -- J. Paul Getty "Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning." -- Bill Gates "Business, that's easily defined; it's other people's money." -- Alexandre Dumas "Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television." -- David Letterman "If you don’t follow the stock market, you are missing some amazing drama." -- Mark Cuban "If you think your boss is stupid remember; you wouldn't have a job if he was smarter." -- Albert Grant. "The best advice I was ever given was on my twenty-first birthday when my father said, 'Son, here's a million dollars. Don't lose it.'" -- Larry Niven "When I asked my accountant if anything could get me out of this mess I am in now he thought for a long time and said, 'Yes, death would help'." -- Robert Morley. "We didn't actually overspend our budget. The allocation simply fell short of our expenditure." -- Keith Davis. "His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours." -- Arthur Baer. "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everyone to tell me the truth-- even if it costs him his job." -- Samuel Goldwyn. "Any organisation is like a septic tank. The really big chunks rise to the top." -- John Imhoff. "I always travel first class on a train. It's the only way to avoid one's creditors." -- Seymour Hicks "Most people struggle with life balance simply because they haven't paid the price to decide what is really important to them." -- Stephen Covey "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early." -- Charles Lamb.