<> I can't understand how the cat came to have kittens," an old lady said to the vet. "I never let her out and no other cats are allowed near her." The vet looked around and saw a large tom sitting by the fireplace. "What about him? He asked. "Oh, don't be silly," said the old lady. "That's her brother." ########################################################### <> Prove you have creative energy to expend by completing this sentence: "The experience of .......... is .............." Example: "The experience of being horny is indicative of being run by your lower chakras." "The experience of super intelligence is the result of a lump on my head." "The experience of love on the first sight is common to people seeing without contact lens." Now show me something!! Ready??? Go! ########################################################### <> TREE FELLER'S TALE A co-worked used to work with a gardening enthusiast named Mick. One Monday, Mick turned up to work sporting a black eye and a broken arm. His co-workers asked him what had happened. "I was sawing off the branch of that big apple tree; the branch that overhangs Mrs Smith's garden which makes her complain it's blocking the light from her dining room," Mick explained. His colleagues expected to hear that the branch had fallen on Mick. "It was difficult to reach the branch," Mick explained, "There I was, sawing away and I'd forgotten I was sitting on it when it fell down into Mrs Smith's back garden. I wasn't hurt but Mrs Smith screamed and her German Shepherd Dog came at me. I had to climb over the fence to escape. I fell off the fence and broke my arm. I went round to apologise to Mrs Smith for leaving the branch in her garden and her husband accused me of climbing my tree to spy on his wife and he blacked my eye." ########################################################### <> Top Ten most Polite Ways to Say Your Zipper Is Down......... by David Letterman 10. The cucumber has left the salad. 9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells. 8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position. 7. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson.. 6. Elvis is leaving the building. 5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage. 4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. 3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones. 2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes with Venus. And the #1 way to tell someone his zipper is unzipped..... 1. I always knew you were crazy, but now I can see your nuts ########################################################### <> [Great TV moment] Animaniacs NED FLAT: Why are you acting like this? YAKKO: We're not acting. We really are like this. TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV 'Allo 'Allo! HELGA: Can you see anything, Herr Flick? HERR FLICK: Pass me the binoculars. HELGA: Yes, Herr Flick. HERR FLICK: Not the Mickey Mouse binoculars. The powerful Gestapo binoculars. TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV The A-Team MURDOCK: Use your imagination! Or you can borrow mine. TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV The Avenger MRS. PEEL: Would you like a drink? MR. STEED: Intravenously! TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV Babylon 5 LONDO: Ah, arrogance and stupidity all in the same package. How efficient of you! TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV Barney Miller MRS. CARLISLE: You remind me of my husband. FISH: I'm sorry. TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV Batman GORDON: Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you? O'HARA: If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking... GORDON: Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case... ourselves. TVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTVTV Batman BATMAN: I'll do everything I can to rehabilitate you. CATWOMAN: Marry me. BATMAN: Everything except that. ########################################################### <> WARNING: This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this, another person opens your back door and steals anything in your car. They are very good at this. They got me seven times Friday and five more times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday . . . . ########################################################### <> DETROIT- The sign on the toilet brush says it best: "Do not use for personal hygiene." The sponsor, Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, says the goal (of the award) is "to reveal how lawsuits, and concern about lawsuits, have created a need for common sense warnings on products." The $500 first prize went to Ed Gyetvai, of Oldcastle, Ontario, who submitted the toilet-brush label. A $250 second prize went to Matt Johnson, of Naperville, Ill., for a label on a children's scooter that said, "This product moves when used." A $100 third prize went to Ann Marie Taylor, of Camden, S.C., who submitted a warning from a digital thermometer that said, "Once used rectally, the thermometer should not be used orally." ########################################################### <> My teenaged niece Elizabeth was nervous as she took the wheel for her first driving lesson. As she was pulling out of the parking lot, the instructor said, "Turn left here, and don't forget to let the people behind you know what you're doing." Elizabeth turned to the students sitting in the backseat and announced, "I'm going left." ########################################################### <> A woman meant to call a record store, but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme?'" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired, puzzled in her turn. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get." ########################################################### <> [Bad Quotes on Predictions of Future] "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859. "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949 "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977 "640K ought to be enough for anybody." Bill Gates, 1981 apocryphal "This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876. "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s. "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.) "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927. "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind." "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies. "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962. "Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895. "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929. "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre. "Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction". Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872 "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.