"Resumania" is a term coined by Mr. Robert Half, founder of RHI Consulting's parent company, to describe the unintentional bloopers that often appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here's some examples: "I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and expertise." (And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently.) "Insufficient writing skills, thought processes have slowed down some. If I am not one of the best, I will look for another opportunity." (No problem ...) "Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually inseparable." (Glad to hear it.) "My compensation should be at least equal to my age." (And bonuses "tied to" his shoe size?) "I am very detail-oreinted." (With the possible exception of spelling) "I can play well with others." (We'll be sure to tell your mommy.) "Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel." (A new twist on work-family balance.) "Objection: To utilize my skills in sales." (Have you considered law school?) "My salary requirement is $34 per year." (They say money isn't everything.) "Served as assistant sore manager." (Ouch.) "Previous experience: Self-employed - a fiasco." (Definitely to the point.) "I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live." (And they say loyalty is hard to come by.) "Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's girlfriend could steal my job." (We're glad you're not bitter.) pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq A young husband comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "Darling, I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but we until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody." The next day, a guy from the electric company rings the door- bell, because the young couple hasnt paid their last bill: "Are you Mrs. Smith? You're a month overdue, you know!" "How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman. "Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the man from the electric company. "What are you saying? It's in your files?????" "Absolutely." "Well, let me talk to my husband about this tonight." That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to the electric company offices the first thing the next morning. "What's going on here? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts. "Just calm down," says the clerk, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us." "PAY you? and if I refuse?" "Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut you off." "And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks. "I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a candle." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq The Grand American quiz show continues...... (1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper. (2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen? (3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater? (4) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have? (5) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal? (6) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President? (7) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you? (8) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime? (9) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters: PNLLEEEESSSSS (10) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9? (11) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have? (12) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg? (Scroll down for the answers) pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical element yet known to science. The new element has been tentatively named Governmentium. Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton- like particles called peons. Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause some morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq Answers to the quiz show: (1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door. (2) There are twelve (not four). (3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship! (4) When they put them all together, there will be one pile. (5) Horse racing. (6) The President. (7) Throw the ball straight up. (8) Suicide. (9) Sleeplessness. (10) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth. (11) You will have two apples. (12) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it. pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq Strawberry Fertilizer A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq Ray Romano was talking about having identical twins. He said he likes having identical twins rather than fraternal twins because he saves money on photographs. "I don't need two pictures. I just show someone one picture. 'See, this is my son. And I have another at home just like him. No, I don't have another picture. I have two of these kids at home that look like this picture." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq When my husband and I showed up at a very popular restaurant, it was crowded. I went up to the hostess and asked, "Will it be long?" The hostess, ignoring me, kept writing in her book. I asked again, "How much of a wait?" The woman looked up and said, "About ten minutes." A short time later, we heard an announcement over the loud- speaker: "Willette B. Long, your table is ready." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq I love the outdoors, and because of my passion for hunting and fishing, my family eats a considerable amount of wild game. So much, in fact, that one evening as I set a platter of broiled venison steaks on the dinner table, my 6-year-old daughter looked up and said, "Boy, it sure would be nice if pizzas lived in the woods." pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq My Blonde sister is a waitress at a hotel. One morning a customer was sitting at the table in the dining area, and said to my sister: "I'd like a cup of coffee, no cream." My sister went to get the coffee, but after 2 minutes came back to ask, "I'm sorry sir, we are out of cream. Would you want your coffee without milk instead?" pqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqpqppq "Some women buy dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This dress looks much better when it's on.' On what? On fire?" -Rita Rudner