Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year and yet you never keep them? Here are some resolutions that you can actually accomplish! 10. Read less. 9. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds or 15Kg. 8. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 7. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff. 6. Procrastinate more. 5. Drink. Drink some more. 4. Start being superstitious. 3. Spend more time at work. 2. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more. and last but not least... 1. Take up a new habit: maybe be lazy! ##################################### Ordering Pizza in 2008 (US Version) Operator: "Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?" Customer: "Hi, I'd like to place an order." Operator: "I must have your NIDN first, sir?" Customer: "My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh, it's 6102049998-45-54610." Operator: "Thank you, Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at 1742 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number's 494-2366. Your office number over at Lincoln Insurance is 745-2302 and your cell number's 266-2566. Email address is sheehan@ home.net Which number are you calling from, sir?" Customer: "Huh? I'm at home. Where d'ya get all this information?" Operator: "We're wired into the HSS, sir." Customer: "The HSS, what is that?" Operator: "We're wired into the Homeland Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time" Customer: (Sighs) "Oh, well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas." Operator: "I don't think that's a good idea, sir." Customer: "Whaddya mean?" Operator: "Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate that you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your National Health Care provider won't allow such an unhealthy choice." Customer: "What?!?! What do you recommend, then?" Operator: "You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it." Customer: "What makes you think I'd like something like that?" Operator: "Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion." Customer: "All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then." Operator: "That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids, and your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is $49.99." Customer: "Lemme give you my credit card number." Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit." Customer: "I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here." Operator: "That won't work either, sir. Your checking account's overdrawn also." Customer: "Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready. How long will it take?" Operator: "We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick 'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward." Customer: "Wait! How do you know I ride a bike?" Operator: "It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repo'ed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday" Customer: Well I'll be a "@#%/$@&?#!" Operator: "I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July 4, 2006 conviction for cussing out a cop and another one I see here on September 14, 2007 for contempt at your hearing for cussing at a judge." "Oh yes I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in the State Correctional Facility. Is this your first pizza since your return to society? Customer: (Speechless) Operator: "Will there be anything else, sir?" Customer: "Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 liter of Coke". Operator: "I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free soda to diabetics. The New Constitution prohibits this. Thank you for calling Pizza Hut!" ##################################### An astronomer is on an expedition to Darkest Africa to observe a total eclipse of the sun, which will only be observable there, when he's captured by cannibals. The eclipse is due the next day around noon. To gain his freedom he plans to pose as a god and threaten to xtinguish the sun if he's not released, but the timing has to be just right. So, in the few words of the cannibals' primitive tongue that he knows, he asks his guard what time they plan to kill him. The guard's answer is, "Tradition has it that captives are to be killed when the sun reaches the highest point in the sky on the day after their capture so that they may be cooked and ready to be served for the evening meal." "Great," the astronomer replies. The guard continues, though, "But because everyone's so excited about it, in your case we're going to wait until after the eclipse." ##################################### Chain letter Dear Friends: Yes, this is a chain letter. It won't cost you anything, but like most chain letters, you've got to follow the directions exactly. Bundle up your wife or girlfriend and send her to the name at the top of the list. Then, add your name and address to the bottom of the list, remove the first name from the list, and send this to your five closest friends. When your name reaches the top, you'll receive 15,625 women, ONE of which has to better than the one you've got now. Don't break the chain or you're liable to wind up with your old lady again! Thanks, Willie C -------------- The list Bill Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC W. J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC W. Jefferson Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC William J. Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington DC Slick Willie Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC Big Billy Clinton 1600 Pennsylvania Ave Washington, DC ##################################### I was scheduled to fly from North Carolina to Germany, where my husband was stationed in the military. As I checked in at the airport, the ticket agent asked me some standard security questions. "Has anyone given you any packages that you didn't pack yourself?" he asked. I told him that my mother-in-law had given me a parcel to take to her son. He looked at me very carefully and asked: "Does she like you?" ##################################### My friend wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her. "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat?" Being a good sport, she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for his maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side: "For Sale." ##################################### A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they discover it to be overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able board the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking noise the stick makes as the blind man taps it on the sidewalk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy! " The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up! ##################################### KEYS TO SUCCESS: Voice Mail Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing - they call because they want you to DO work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a voice mail message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during the lunch hour. That way, you're regarded as hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel. If you diligently employ the method of screening incoming calls and then returning calls when nobody is there, this will greatly increase the odds that they will give up or look for a solution that doesn't involve you. The sweetest voice mail message you can ever hear is "Ignore my last message. I took care of it." If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. ##################################### Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!" ##################################### According to statistics from august bodies such as the Nua Internet survey and Nielsen-Netratings, just 600m of the world's 6.3bn people are wired to the web. Yet those online often forget that they are in the minority. "I asked someone to guess how many people are online - she thought about 90% of the world. But it's more like 12%. Of course, for people outside of Silicon Valley, dividing the world like that is a bit arbitrary." -- Steve Cisler, an Apple computer guru ##################################### Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader. ##################################### God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny. --Garrison Keiller ##################################### "It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it." --Sam Levenson