"Hey, Mom," asked Johnny "Can you give me twenty dollars?" "Certainly not." "If you do," he went on, "I'll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop." His mother's ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. "Well? What did he say?" "He said, 'Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.' " $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ "Mommy, my turtle is dead," the little boy, John, sorrowfully told his mother, holding the turtle out to her in his hand. The mother kissed him on the head, then said," That's all right. We'll wrap him in tissue paper, put him in a little box, then have a nice burial ceremony in the back yard. After that, we'll go out for an ice cream soda, and then get you a new pet. "Ice cream?" the little boy said, wiping his tears and smiling, "Oh! Boy!" His mother said, "I don't want you...." Her voice trailed off as she noticed the turtle move. "John, you're turtle is not dead after all." "Oh," the disappointed boy said. "Can I kill it?" $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ For those of you who just thought you knew everything, here's a refresher course...... Then you will know everything!!! Walt Disney was afraid of mice. The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma. No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes. You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television. Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older. The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum. The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class. Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Apples , not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning. Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin . The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. So did the first "Marlboro Man." Pearls melt in vinegar. The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola, and Budweiser, in that order. It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs. A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why. Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. Richard Millhouse Nixon was the first US president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal." The second? William Jefferson Clinton . (Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!) And the best for last..... Turtles can breathe through their butts. Now you know everything there is to know. $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ Q: What do you call a dead blond in a closet? A: The 1984 Hide and Seek World Champion. Q: What did the princess say while she waited for her photos to come back from the store? A: "Some day my prints will come!" Q: Why was JFK Jr. flying to the Vineyard? A: He wanted to crash his cousin's wedding. Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyes? A: Have you ever seen a bunny with glasses? Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? Police: We don't know, but give us five minutes with the chicken and we'll find out. $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ The story of someone getting a haircut. [[Women's version:]] Woman2: Oh! You got a haircut! That's so cute! Woman1: Do you think so? I wasn't sure when she gave me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking? Woman2: Oh God no! No, it's perfect. I'd love to get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide. I'm pretty much stuck with this stuff I think. Woman1: Are you serious? I think your face is adorable. And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look so cute I think. I was actually going to do that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck. Woman2: Oh - that's funny! I would love to have your neck! Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I have for a shoulder line. Woman1: Are you kidding? I know girls that would love to have your shoulders. Everything drapes so well on you. I mean, look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders I could get clothes to fit me so much easier. ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ ............................................................................ [[Men's version]] Man1: Haircut? Man2: Yeah. $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ 4-year-old son was eating an apple in the back seat of the car, when he asked, "Daddy, why is my apple turning brown?" "Because," his dad explained, "after you ate the skin off, the meat of the apple came into contact with the air, which caused it to oxidize, thus changing the molecular structure and turning it into a different color." There was a long silence. Then the boy asked, "Daddy, are you talking to me?" $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish ................ 49. Adventurous ........... Slept with everyone. Athletic .............. No breasts Average looking ....... Moooo. Beautiful ............. Pathological liar. Emotionally Secure .... On medication. Feminist .............. Fat Free spirit ........... Junkie Friendship first ...... Former slut. New-Age ............... Body hair in the wrong places. Old-Fashioned ......... No BJs. Open-minded ........... Desperate Outgoing .............. Loud and Embarrassing. Professional .......... Bitch Voluptuous ............ Very Fat Hugh frame ............ Hugely Fat Wants soul mate ....... Stalker $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ Pappa sees Little Johnny walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy?" Little Johnny smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy- Sue." The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." Little Johnny said. "And look what you got!" $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ A young black boy goes into the kitchen where his mother is baking. He puts his hands in the flour and coats his face with it. He looks at his mother and says "Look Momma, I'm a white boy." His mother slaps him hard on the face and says "Boy, go show your Daddy." The boy goes into the living room and says "Look Daddy, I'm a white boy." His Daddy slaps him on the face, too and says, "Boy, go show your grandmother." So the boy goes to see his grandma and says "Look Granny, I'm a white boy." She slaps him on the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says "Well, did you learn something from all this?" The boy shakes his head and says "I sure nuff did, I've only been a white boy for five minutes and I already hate you black people". $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ The attorney was a Yankees fan who had a court date during a wild card playoff game. Since computers and cell phones were not allowed in the courtroom he asked his lawyer wife to watch the game on TV and said he'd call when he had the chance to find out who won. When the judge called a five-minute recess, the lawyer bolted from the courtroom and ran to a pay phone. "What happened?" he asked. "The game's over," said his wife. "The score was six to four." "Who won?" She replied, "The team with six." $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ The Top 10 TV Shows in Iraq 10. Suddenly Sanctions 9. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs 8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show 7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest 6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right 5. Achmed's Creek 4. Wheel of Fortune and Terror 3. Allah McBeal 2. Mad About Everything 1. Husseinfeld $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE." It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York. So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE." The policeman arrested her on the spot. $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ The rich, old, dying man called his lawyer to him for the purpose of disposing of his wordly goods. "How many children have you?" the lawyer asked. "That, sir," said the old-timer, "will be decided by the courts when my will is contested." $%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$%$ "We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." -- Jeff Marder "Hell is a place where the motorists are French, the policemen are German, and the cooks are English." -- Uknown "If we sack officers for corruption, we will be seriously short of staff." -- Major Bui Quic Huy, Ho Chi Minh City's Police Commander "Entirely too much energy of our state police force is [spent] controlling honest citizens, simply because it is something they can succeed in doing." -- Robert W. Burke "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap." -- Unknown Police "Chemists employed by the police can do remarkable things with blood. They can weave it into a rope to hang a man." -- Margery Allingham "Popular culture tells you that schools and parents don't know what's going on, the police are dogs, politicians are all liars and scum, and any crime that's not committed by the Mafia is done by the CIA." -- Stanley Crouch "Rush If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me." -- Bobcat Goldthwait "Warning! You want a warning? I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket." - Unknown Police Officer "How many cops does it take to throw a man down the stairs??? None. He fell." -- Unknown "Pass enough laws, and a pissed-off cop can find something you've done wrong." -- Radley Balko