[Rated: G] During a test I was administering, I noticed that one of my married students, who was quite pregnant, kept rubbing her side. After class, before she left, I asked her, "Are you okay?" I noticed you were holding onto your side." "Oh, I'm fine," she answered. "It's just that my baby was pushing his foot up and down my ribs, and it hurt a little." "Well, that's good," I said, feeling relieved. "Yeah," she continued. "It's strange. He normally sleeps during your class." 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] A hesitant driver, waiting for traffic to clear, came to a complete stop on the freeway ramp. Shortly, the traffic thinned out but the driver still waited. Finally a furious voice from the vehicle behind him cried, "Hey, you jerk! The sign says 'Yield', not surrender!" 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] Using a new painting program on my computer, I managed to come up with a very credible still life of fruit. I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter, a graphic designer. She called when it arrived. "Isn't it good?" I asked. She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from years ago, replied, "Mom, it's beautiful. We put it on the refrigerator." 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: PG] Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right ow. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love!'" "Beeeep!" "Uh, yeah.. this is the VD (Venereal Disease) clinic calling. Speaking of positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!" 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] {} If you need a laugh then read through these Children's Science Exam Answers. These are real answers given by children. Q: Name the four seasons. A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar. Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink. A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists. Q: How is dew formed? A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire. Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? A: Keep it in the cow. Q: What causes the tides in the oceans? A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight. Q: What are steroids? A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. Q: What happens to your body as you age? A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. Q: What is artificial insemination? A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow. Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.) A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, and U. Q: What is the fibula? A: A small lie. Q: What does "varicose" mean? A: Nearby. (I do love this one...) Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarian Section" A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome. Q: What does the word "benign" mean? A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight. Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes. A: Premature death. 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] My husband had run to the store with our daughters, Sarah (4) and Hannah (2) and on the way home he drove through a neighborhood looking for houses for sale. After a bit Sarah asked, "Daddy, what are we doing?" My husband said he was looking at the houses that were for sale. Sarah asked "Are you gonna buy a new house?" Dad replied "Maybe." Then Sarah said with much concern, "But Dad, how will we get it HOME?!" 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] Q: What did you do to prevent the accident? A: I just closed my eyes and screamed as loud as I can. Q: How many China visitors to a New York art gallery does it take to change a light bulb? A: Two. One to do it and one to say "Huh! My four-year old could've done that!" Q: Do you remember the context in which your husband brought the issue up? A: Not really. I try not to listen when he talks. 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] My wife and I were having lunch at a fashionable eatery in Annapolis when we noticed what looked like a familiar face at the next table. Screwing up my courage, I asked, "Excuse me. Aren't you Marlin Fitzwater, the former White House press secretary?" "Yes, I am," he acknowledged, and graciously interrupted his lunch to talk to us. As we were leaving the restaurant, I remarked to the hostess, "Do you know you have Marlin Fitzwater on the terrace?" "I'm not sure about that," she replied, "but we have Perrier and Evian at the bar." 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: PG] Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa. The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals. The sermon this morning: "Jesus walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus." The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you. Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation. Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's 20 sermons. The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing Break Forth into Joy." Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice. Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility. The Ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon. This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. Ladies: Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done. The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours" Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] "When a friend is in trouble, don't annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it." -- Edward W. Howe 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: PG] "I prefer to describe myself as a "Contemporary Anthropological Interactive Observer" because it has just the right amount of flair. Besides...."stalker" is such an ugly word." -- Anon 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] "The first duty of love is to listen." -- Paul Tillich 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: PG-13] "A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?" ' -- Anon 88888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888888- [Rated: G] "The flu is going around. Everyone is getting it. In fact, the guy that wrote this joke had to go home before he finished it." --Dave Letterman