Words of wisdom, or not.... I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. Half the people you know are below average. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ More examples of creativity provided by a 6th grade class during history tests [these absolutely slay me]: 1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shake- speare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. 2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. 4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a suposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. 5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. 6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this. //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin" Not long after the old maid died peacefully and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. So they simply wrote: "Returned unopened". //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?" //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Terra was planning her upcoming wedding and asked to wear her mother's wedding gown. When she tried it on, it was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Suddenly, her mother's eyes filled with tears. Putting an arm around her, Terra lovingly said, "Don't cry, Mom. Remember, you aren't losing a daughter, you're gaining a son." "Oh, forget about that!" her mother sobbed. "I used to fit into that gown!" //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?" The woman shot her an angry look, "How dare you talk about your father like that!" //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ One day a State Trooper was pulling off an expressway near Chicago. When he turned onto the street at the end of the ramp, he noticed someone at a chicken place getting into his car. The driver placed the bucket of chicken on top of his car, got in and drove off with the bucket still on top of his car. So the trooper decides to pull him over and perform a com- munity service by giving the driver his chicken. So he pulled him over, walked up to the car, pulled the bucket off the roof and offered it to the driver. The driver looks at the trooper and says, "No thanks, I just bought some." //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ Ad found among the miscellaneous listing in the Stanwood/ Camano, Washington, News: "Caution, homeowners between Warm Beach and Stanwood. Daughter will be learning how to drive. Use caution after leaving garage or porch. Farmers advised to place hay bales around barns, farm equipment and slow-moving livestock. She will be driving white sedan with frightened father aboard." //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ A woman walked into a fashion shop, asking for a discount fur coat. The sales representative showed her a kangaroo fur. "Why is this cheaper?" the customer asked. "Oh, we saved money making the pocket." The sales rep replied. //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ "I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good at fractions.'" --Rodney Dangerfield //////////////////////////\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ "If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man." ---Mark Twain