A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie. The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies." "Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..." "You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies." "But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed. "I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted. "Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write it for you!" "Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!" "Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I've got a girlfriend who sings..." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss but I only slept with you because I was pissed I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot This describes everything you are not I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life I see your face when I am dreaming That's why I always wake up screaming My love you take my breath away What have you stepped in to smell this way My feelings for you no words can tell Except for maybe "go to hell" What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ After four years of separation, my wife and I finally divorced amicably. I wanted to date again, but I had no idea of how to start, so I decided to look in the personals column of the local newspaper. After reading through all the listings, I circled three that seemed possible in terms of age and interest, but I put off calling them. Two days later, there was a message on my answering machine from my ex-wife. "I came over to your house to borrow some tools today and saw the ads you circled in the paper. Don't call the one in the second column. It's me." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Two men meet on the street. One asks the other, "Hi, how are you"? The other replies, "I'm fine thanks." "And how's your son? Is he still unemployed?" "Yes he is. But he is meditating now." "Meditating? What's that?"... ..."I don't know, but it beats sitting around doing nothing." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Grand American Quiz (1) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? (2) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? (3) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? (4) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? (6) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. (7) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? (8) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. (9) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? (10) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". (Scroll down for the answers) $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Information Passing Programmer to Team Leader: "We can't do this proposed project. **CANNOT**. It will involve a major design change and no one in our team knows the design of this legacy system. And above that, nobody in our company knows the language in which this application has been written. So even if somebody wants to work on it, they can't. If you ask my personal opinion, the company should never take these type of projects." Team Leader to Project Manager: "This project will involve a design change. Currently, we don't have any staff with experience in this type of work. Also, the language is unfamiliar to us, so we will have to arrange for some training if we take this project. In my personal opinion, we are not ready to take on a project of this nature." Project Manager to 1st Level Manager: "This project involves a design change in the system and we don't have much experience in that area. Also, not many people in our company are appropriately trained for it. In my personal opinion, we might be able to do the project but we would need more time than usual to complete it." 1st Level Manager to Senior Level Manager: "This project involves design re-engineering. We have some people who have worked in this area and others who know the implementation language. So they can train other people. In my personal opinion we should take this project, but with caution." Senior Level Manager to CEO: "This project will demonstrate to the industry our capabilities in remodeling the design of a complete legacy system. We have all the necessary skills and people to execute this project successfully. Some people have already given in-house training in this area to other staff members. In my personal opinion, we should not let this project slip by us under any circumstances." CEO to Client: "This is the type of project in which our company specializes. We have executed many projects of the same nature for many large clients. Trust me when I say that we are the most competent firm in the industry for doing this kind of work. It is my personal opinion that we can execute this project successfully and well within the given time frame." [Thanks to Helen.] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (1) What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward? -Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down aboutt 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute. (2) Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables? - Asparagus and rhubarb. (3) At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross? - Ten times (not eleven, as most people seeem to think). (4) What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball? - Baseball. (5) What fruit has its seeds on the outside? - Strawberry. (6) Only three words in standard English begin with the letters "dw". They are all common. Name two of them. - Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle. (7) There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them? - Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hhyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses. (8) There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls - a walk - is one way. Name the other six. - Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catccher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder's choice; and being designated as a pinch runner. (9) It's the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it? - Lettuce. (10) Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter "s". - Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slipperrs, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on. $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ It was New Year's day and the Rose Parade was just starting. To get the best view, we had splurged on reserved seats in the grandstand. Yet every time a float passed, the large man in front of us stood to take pictures. We could see nothing. Drastic action was called for. I took a picture of the scene in front of us with my Polaroid. When the photo developed, I gave it to the man, who looked wordlessly at a shot of his rear end. He remained seated for the rest of the parade. [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A college student with a young child was pleased when her daughter became eligible to attend the day care center at the University. The director of the day care gave the mother a tour of the facilities. To assure herself of the center's high standards, the young mother asked about the curriculum. "Well," said the director, eyes twinkling, "today we are studying the children's favorite philosopher: Play-Doh." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Beethoven's Death When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret lingerie shop: 9) No Thanks. Just Sniffing. 8) I'll be in the dressing room going blind. 7) Mom will love this. 6) Oh the size won't matter. She's inflatable. 5) No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here. 4) Will you model this for me??? 3) The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!! 2) Forty Five bucks?? You're just gonna end up naked ANYWAY!! And the number one thing that a man should never, ever say out loud in Victoria's Secret: 1) Oh, honey, you'll NEVER squeeze your ass into that!! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ The truck driver looked suspiciously at the soup he had just been served in a highway eatery. It contained dark flecks of seasoning floating in it, but two of the spots looked very suspicious. "Hey," he called out to the waitress, "these particles in my soup - aren't they foreign objects?" She scrutinized his bowl. "No, sir!" she reassured him. "Those things live around here." $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "A flute without holes is not a flute and a donut with no hole is a danish." -Ty Webb (Chevy Chase), CADDYSHACK $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "There are two types of people--those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" --Frederick L Collins $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ "The Internet is an amazing communications tool that's bringing the whole world together. I mean, you sit down to sign on to America Online in your hometown, and it's just staggering to think that at the same moment, halfway around the world, in China, someone you've never met is sitting at their computer, hearing the exact same busy signal that you're hearing." --Dennis Miller $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Because even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass.