For the first few months of her co-op job for the state of Georgia, my sister had nothing to do, so she surfed the Web or did crossword puzzles. One day she expressed her boredom to a co-worker. "I know," she complained. "Everyone thinks state workers have it easy. But there's only so much you can pretend you're doing." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx If everyone followed all the SPAM: * Everyone will have lots of hair. * Everyone will be very rich. * Everyone will have enormous sexual organs, primary or secondary. * Everyone will be the right weight. * Everyone will work from home on their computers. * Everyone will decode and copy DVD's at will. * Everyone will be able to enjoy sexual congress for days on end. * Everyone will collect judicial judgments. * Everyone will achieve untold heights of ecstasy using legal herbal blends. * Everyone will help those Nigerian folks take care of their money. * Everyone will investigate everyone. * Everyone will find out anything about anybody. * Everyone will know if they are being investigated. * Everyone will win valuable prizes. * Everyone will gamble 24-7. * Everyone will buy all the right stocks. * Everyone will avoid costly lawyer fees. * Everyone will meet their dream mate. * Everyone will remove their names. * Everyone will have received the message in error. * Everyone will save all their money. In a nutshell, you will be wealthy, happy, and have a big p!!!s. SPAM rules! XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx I sat with my infant son in front of the TV, hostage to my husband's channel-surfing. He eventually settled on an R-rated movie in which the actress was soon topless. "Honey, change the channel," I said, shielding my son's eyes. "He shouldn't see this." "It's okay." my husband replied. "He probably thinks it's the Food Network." [Reader's Digest.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: "Ames" "Here!" "Jenson" "Here!" "Jones" "Here!" "Magersky" "Here!" "Seeback" No answer. "SEEBACK! The troops remained totally silent. At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant's ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx One evening I was driving my six-year-old daughter to her grandparents' home for an overnight stay. It was late, there was little traffic and we were enjoying a peaceful ride. It was a far cry from the usual chaos surrounding us when I drive her to various activities during rush hour. My daughter seemed deep in thought when she said, "I have a question." "What do you want to know?" "Mom, when you're driving," she asked, "are you ever the idiot?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx [Email Abbreviations Defined] Abbreviation #1: whrthfckuben? Previously long phrase: "Goodness, it's been a long time since we've chatted, hasn't it?" Abbreviation #2: utypliksht Previously long phrase: "Say, have you heard that there is a new Evelyn Wood's speed-typing course?" Abbreviation #3: ugoturhdupyrass? Previously long phrase: "Are you sure about that?" Abbreviation #4: sowenugtoutofjail? Previously long phrase: "So, what have you been up to lately, Bugs?" Abbreviation #5: tkurabbrevsandshuvem Previously long phrase: "Wouldn't you rather just type the whole phrase out?" XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx First thing - every single morning - one of the secretaries in our office opened the newspaper and read everyone's horo- scope aloud. "Gwen," said our boss finally, "you seem to be a normal, levelheaded person. Do you really believe in astrology?" "Of course not," Gwen answered. "You know how skeptical we Capricorns are." [Reader's Digest.] XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx "Wnen I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the lord doesn't work that way. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me." -- Emo Philips XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx "I was a bank teller. That was a great job. I was bringing home $45,000 a week." -- Joel Lindley XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx "According to "Men's Fitness" magazine, the 'fittest' city in the United States is Seattle. And the fattest city, with the most overweight citizens - Houston, Texas. So if you're a fat guy in Seattle and you don't want to lose weight, just move to Houston, you'll be the skinniest guy in town." --Jay Leno XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx "If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty- six, she's damn near forty." --Chris Rock XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxx A recent study found that the average American is now 25 pounds (11.34kg) heavier and an inch (2.54 cm) taller than in 1960.