Crazy Aunt Maude received a letter one morning, and upon reading it burst into floods of tears. "What's the matter?" asked her companion. "Oh dear",sobbed Auntie,"It's my favorite nephew. He's got three feet." "Three feet?" exclaimed her friend. "Surely that's not possible?" "Well," said Auntie, "his mother's just written to tell me he's grown another foot !" ======================================================================= A famous Hollywood director dies and reaches Heaven. At the proverbial gate, St. Peter meets him and explains that God would like the director to make one more movie. The director grimaces, "But I retired years before I died. I'm tired of all the hassles involved in making movies." "Listen," St. Peter explains, "we got Ludwig von Beethoven to write a new score for the movie..." "You're not listening to me," the director protested. "I don't want to make any more movies." "But we've got Leonardo de Vinci to do the set design for you," St. Peter exclaimed. "I don't want to make any more movies!" the director insisted. "Just look at this script," St. Peter said. "We got William Shakespeare to write for you!" "Well," said the director, "a score by Beethoven, set design by de Vinci, a script by Shakespeare...How can I go wrong? I'll do it!" "Great!" exclaimed St. Peter. "There's only one small hitch... I've got a girlfriend who sings..." ======================================================================= Roast chicken salad: Now with roast chicken. -- Label on M & S container So what was the chicken I was eating before? ======================================================================= The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked. "I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied. "Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean much impressed. "No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it." ======================================================================= Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper and he calls it a poem, they give him $50." The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a press release, they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" ======================================================================= One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books: the Bible and Darwin's Origin of Species. Surprised, he asked the ape, "Why are you reading both those books?" "Well," said the orangutan, "I just wanted to know if I was my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother." ======================================================================= A woman had to go in for her yearly physical. When the doctor remarked on her extraordinarily ruddy complexion, she replied, "High blood pressure, Doc. It comes from my family." "Your mother's side or your father's?" he inquired. "Neither," the patient replied. "It's from my husband's family." "Oh, come now," the doctor said. "How could your husband's family give you high blood pressure?" The woman sighed, "You've never met my mother-in-law, Doc!" ======================================================================= Garbage collectors were picking up our trash I had just put out as my wife walked back into our house. A particular barrel was very heavy. "Lady, we can't take this," one man called out. "It's way over the weight limit." My wife turned her eight-month-pregnant figure toward him. "It didn't seem that heavy when I carried it out." she said. Without another word, the man emptied the barrel into the truck. ======================================================================= After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register. "Cash or charge?" the clerk asked. "Cash," I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau." "Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly. "Or are you going back there?" ======================================================================= One day a man came home from work earlier than usual and caught his wife in bed with his best friend. Enraged, the husband grabbed a gun and shot his friend to death. His wife said, "Ya' know, if you go on like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends." ======================================================================= Q. What's the height of conceit? A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What is better than winning a medal at the Special Olympics? A: Not being retarded Q: What's blue and fucks old people? A: Hypothermia Q: What is the definition of "making love"? A: Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her. Q: What's yellow and green and eats nuts? A: Gonorrhea Q. How can you tell a macho woman? A. She rolls her own tampons. Q. Why do gay men like ribbed condoms? A. Better traction in the mud. Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker? A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q. What's the difference between mayonnaise & semen? A. Mayonnaise doesn't hit the back of a girl's throat at thirty miles an hour. Q. Why do women call it PMS? A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken. Q. How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party? A. The cake jumps out of the girl. Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex? A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak. Q. Why don't they teach driver's education and sex education on the same day in Iraq? A. They don't want to wear out the camel. Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball. ======================================================================= "Lead a righteous and spiritual life," admonished a minister to a young rascal he caught causing trouble, "for there will be weeping, wailing and a gnashing of teeth among the wicked who pass on to the next world." "What if you haven't got any teeth?" said the boy. "Teeth will be provided!" ======================================================================= Abraham wants to upgrade his PC to Windows XP. Isaac is incredulous. 'Pop,' he says, 'you can't run Windows XP on your old, slow 486. Everyone knows that you need at least a Pentium-IV with a minimum of 256 megs of memory in order to multitask effectively with Windows XP.' But Abraham, the man of faith, gazed calmly at his son and replied, 'God will provide the RAM, my son'. ======================================================================= The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three." "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A Jack." ======================================================================= "A Russian cosmonaut has an emergency during his reentry into Earth's atmosphere, and his spaceraft crash-lands in the Austrialian bush. When he comes to conciousness, he finds himself in a bush medical clinic, bandaged from head to toe. Standing at the side of his cot is a tough and tanned Aussie doctor. 'Did I come here to die?' the cosmonaut asks gravely. 'No, mate,' the doctor replies,' 'ya came here yestadie...'"