A lawyer had successfully handled a difficult law case for
a wealthy friend. Following the happy outcome of the case,
the friend and client called on the lawyer, expressed his
appreciation of his work and handed him a handsome
Moroccan leather wallet.

The lawyer looked at the wallet in astonishment and handed
it back with a sharp reminder that a wallet could not possibly
compensate him for his services.

"My fee for that work, " acidly snapped the attorney, "is five
thousand dollars."

The client calmly opened the wallet, removed a ten thousand
dollar check from it, replaced it with a five thousand dollar check and
handed it back to the lawyer with a smile.

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Cultural Perspective

The Italian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine."

The Frenchman says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have cognac."

The Russian says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka."

The German says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer."

The Mexican says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have tequila."

The Jew says, "I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes."

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Trust

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a
felony trial - it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?

A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.


Q. Officer, who provided this description?

A. The officer who responded to the scene.


Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?

A. Yes sir, with my life.


Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have
a locker room in the police station - a room where you change
your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?

A. Yes sir, we do.


Q. And do you have a locker in that room?

A. Yes sir, I do.


Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?

A. Yes sir.


Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with
your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with those same officers?

A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and
sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.

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Jewish Definitions---

Putz: The male reproductive member, primarily used for urinating
and solitary amusement. Larger than a schmeckel. Similar to
a schmuck. A common term for male in-laws.

Schmuck: Yet another term for the male member, most often used
to describe a man with an attitude of arrogant stupidity. Nice
logic there, if you think about it. A common term for former
male in-laws and business partners.

Goyim: People who are Gentile. A polite term for anyone who
doesn't love a good bargain or has extra skin on his schmeckel.

Tattalah: An endearing term of love which means "little man".
An emasculating term for women to call men, if you think about
it. But who has time to think?

Gefilte Fish: A tasty mix of congealed fish parts and
transparent slime jelly. The only food it is permissible for
Jewish children to refuse. In some families, they may even
be allowed to gag, but politely.

Chaleria: A derogatory term which best refers to a female
business associate or a mother-in-law. The closest English
equivalent is "bitch."

Koorveh: A call-girl, or prostitute. A reference to the Russian
Czar's wife at the turn of the 20th Century, and to that flashy
shiksa your nephew married. Also known as Nafkeh.


Schmendrick: A man who messes things up, always loses and
feels miserable. An unfortunate asshole. Closely related to
Schlemazel and Schlemiell. Every Jewish family has at least
one, often named Irving.

Schlemiell: A jerk who can't do anything right. In simple terms,
someone who's always spilling his soup.

Schlemazel: The poor dumb putz a Schlemiell is always spilling
soup on.

Schmeckel: A guy with a small putz. A nothing. Usually your
ex-partner or ex-son-in-law.

Tsuris: A word referring to all problems, trouble, grief,
aggravation and heartache. Examples: daughter pregnant with
child of an unemployed Catholic bartender; adult son loses job
and moves back home.

Major Tsuris: Daughter and baby "Bridget" move back home too.

Kin-a-hora: A gleeful rejoice used when Jewish parents find out
their daughter is going to marry the Jewish surgeon rather
than that poor, unemployed goyishe laborer.

<Jewish readers please confirm or denouce the validity of these 
terms.>

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You've heard about Spain's famous "Running of the Bulls"?

But did you know there are two "follow-up" events?

The "Soiling of the Pants."

And then the "Burying of the Idiots."

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An account executive at a stock-and-bond firm telephoned an
elderly woman client who had purchased her first stock - one
hundred shares of Proctor & Gamble (P&G).  He told her that he had
just heard they were going to split.

"Oh! What a shame." she lamented. "I'm so sorry to hear that.
And, they've been together for so long, too."


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"What happened to you?" asked the bystander to the man
lying on the sidewalk outside of the beauty parlor.

The man shook his head groggily and rubbed his bruised
chin.  "Last thing I remember was my wife came out of the
beauty salon.  I took a look at her and said, 'Well, honey, at
least you tried,' and then it was lights out . . . "


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This fellow walked into a pharmacy and asked for a vial of
cyanide.

The pharmacist, trying to keep a professional posture, asked
what he wanted it for.

He answered, "I want to kill my wife."

"I'm sorry, Sir," the pharmacist replied, "but you will have to
understand that under such circumstances I can't sell you any
cyanide."

The guy reaches into his wallet and produces a photo of his
wife.

The pharmacist takes a look at the photo, blushes and replies,
"Im sorry, Sir. I didn't realize you had a prescription."

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A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once
upon a time?' "

His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with
'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"

"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that ?"

"He used to."

"What made him stop ?"

"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I
depend on that ?'"

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At an annual Bosses Night dinner for Helena, Mont., lawyers,
sponsored by legal secretaries, it was time to announce the
Boss of the Year. The master of ceremonies began: "First of
all, our winner is a graduate of the University of Montana.
So that already eliminates some of you as candidates. "Our
winner also is a partner in a downtown Helena law firm. That
eliminates some more of you. "Our nominee is honest, upright,
dedicated..."

A voice from the audience cut in: "Well, there go the rest of
us!"

[Contributed to Reader's Digest.]

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Amanpreet was pissed, to say the least, when Judi told him
another car had backed into hers, damaging the fender.  He
was mad that she didn't get the license plate.

"Well, Judi, DARLING," he hissed, "what KIND of car was it
that hit you?"

"Pecker, I don't know," she cried, "I've never been able to tell
one make from another."

Well, Amanpreet decided right then and there he was going to
teach his bride how to tell the difference between makes and
models of cars.  For the next two weeks, as they were out
driving, Amanpreet would point out a car and have Judi identify
it.  After one last day of driving, Judi got 'em all correct and he
thought she'd, from now on, be able to identify a car.

A week later, Judi came bursting into Preet's office, beaming
from ear to ear.  "Sweet Pecker Boy, I just hit a Toyota!"

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"A group of over 100 celebrities have signed a letter to
protest the war against Iraq. The list of celebrities include
Kim Bassinger, Martin Sheen and Saddam Hussein."
     ---Conan O'Brien

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"It was reported last week that a citizens group is trying to
remove porn channels from hotels across the country. The group
is called the Coalition of People Who Want to Ruin Everything."
     ---Conan O'Brien