One morning as Professor Jones was leaving for the university his wife told her absent-minded husband, "Don't forget we are moving today. If you come to this house this afternoon it will be empty." Predictably he didn't remember until he found the house vacated that afternoon. He mumbled to himself, "And where was it we were moving to?" He went out in front of the house and asked a little girl, "Did you see a moving van here today, little girl?" "Yes," she replied. "Would you know which way it went?" She looked up at him and said, "Yes, Daddy, I'll show you." |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| At a marriage retreat, Imee and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words 'sex' and 'love.' Imee wrote: 'When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another, and they respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of physical sex with one another.' John wrote: 'I love sex.' |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The nutrician's recommendation (not to be taken seriously). Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it, don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The week I started a new job, my husband was out of town. On the day he was to return, I thought it would be fun if he picked me up at work and we could go out to dinner. I left a note on our dining-room table with my new number and this message: "For a good time, call 555-1234." When my husband failed to show up, I took the bus home. "Where were you?" I asked. "Didn't you get my note?" "Oh," he replied with a sheepish grin, "I wasn't sure who wrote it." |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| A recent study found that 35% of men have been injured while undoing a woman's bra. That's correct. While unfastening a woman's stabilizing devise, men have received strained tendons, scratches, and other similar injuries. Actually, I can vouch for that. I got injured today while trying to undo a woman's bra. When I undid the woman in front of me in the checkout line, she turned and hit me with a can of peas. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Bubba and Joe Bob were dragging their dead deer back to their car... Another experienced hunter approached pulling his along too. "Hey, guys, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's sure easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground." After the third hunter left, the boys decided to give it a try. A little while later Bubba said to Joe Bob, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!" Joe Bob said, "Yep... but we're getting farther and farther away from the truck!" |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| Six-year-old Fanny is a cutie. A lot of boys in her kindergarten class like her. One day she went home and told her mother: "Mommy, Daniel from my class said he wanna marry me." Her mom, while busy with cooking, answered mindlessly: "Does he have a job?" Fanny thought for a while, and answered "He is the one responsible to keep the white board clean this week." |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| The best illustration of the value of brief speech was given by Mark Twain. His story was that when he had listened for five minutes to the preacher telling of the heathen, he wept, and was going to contribute fifty dollars... after ten minutes more of the sermon, he reduced the amount of his prospective contribution to twenty-five dollars...after a half hour more of eloquence, he cut the sum to five dollars. At the end of an hour of oratory when the plate was passed, he stole two dollars. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| An acquaintance of mine whose daughter was about to be married decided to give her a diamond ring that had been in the family for several generations. The stone had never been appraised, so the father asked a gemologist friend if she would take a look at it. She agreed, but said that instead of a fee she'd accept lunch at one of Houston's finer restaurants. A few days later, as he and the gem expert sat sipping a glass of Chablis, he showed her the ring. She took out her jeweler's loupe, examined the diamond carefully and handed it back. "Wow," said a diner who had been watching from the next table. "These Texas women are tough!" |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| When we decided to sell our house, we nailed "FOR SALE BY OWNER" signs on two trees in our front yard. Before long, the doorbell rang. "How much do you want for the trees?" a young man asked. |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| At the end of my factory shift, I was asked to purchase some supplies. The machines' conveyor belts needed talcum powder to prevent them from sticking, and we had run out of aspirin for workers with noise-induced tension headaches. I drove to the nearest store and loaded a shopping cart with four cases of baby powder and several boxes of aspirin. As the man behind me in the checkout line peered at my purchases, he laughed and exclaimed, "Must be one heck of a kid!" [Thanks to Reader's Digest.] |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| "No matter how much money you make, you always need an extra $40 a week. I think it was Einstein who first said: 'Expense equals salary plus forty bucks.'" --Jeffrey Jena |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| "I wonder who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what on EARTH did he think he was doing?" --Billy Connolly |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||| To financially help a girl who lacks self esteem with her small chests, go to http://giveboobs.com If you wish to donate money for her breast augmentation, it is your choice. By the way, if you have that much money for charitible causes, you can give some to me for buying some more brain. Boob or Brain, which one should be larger?