Jill complained to Nina, "Rosey told me that you told her the secret I told you not to tell her." "Well," replied Nina in a hurt tone, "I told her not to tell you that I told her." "Oh dear!" sighed Jill. "Well, don't tell her I told you that she told me." ********************************** My sister, went to the department store to check out the bridal registry of our niece whose wedding was coming up soon. When my sister returned from the store, she tossed the gift list on a table and declared, "I think she's too young to get married." "Why do you say that?" I asked. "Because," she said, "they've registered for Nintendo games." ********************************** The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? The young rancher answered, I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." ********************************** PAST WINNERS OF M-LAW'S WACKY WARNING LABEL CONTESTS A dishwasher carries this warning: "Do not allow children to play in the dishwasher." A warning on an electric router made for carpenters cautions: "This product not intended for use as a dental drill." A warning label found on a baby stroller cautions the user to "Remove child before folding" A prescription of sleeping pills says, "Warning: May cause drowsiness" A sticker on a toilet at a public facility in Ann Arbor, Michigan actually warns: "Recycled flush water unsafe for drinking." A massage chair warns: "DO NOT use massage chair without clothing... and, Never force any body part into the backrest area while the rollers are moving." A snowblower warns: "Do not use snowthrower on roof." A CD player carries this unusual warning:" Do not use the Ultradisc2000 as a projectile in a catapult." A fireplace lighter cautions: "Do not use near fire, flame or sparks." A label on a hand-held massager advises consumers not to use while sleeping or unconscious. A container of underarm deodorant says "Caution: Do not spray in eyes." A cartridge for a laser printer warns "Do not eat toner." A household iron warns users: "Do not ever iron clothes while they are being worn." A label with a hair dryer reads: "Do not use hair dryer while sleeping." A cardboard car sunshield that keeps sun off the dashboard warns "Do not drive with sunshield in place." A can of self-defense pepper spray warns users: "May irritate eyes." A box of birthday cake candles says: "DO NOT use soft wax as ear plugs or for any other function that involves insertion into a body cavity." A popular manufactured fireplace log warns: "Caution - Risk of Fire." ********************************** Tina, the Hollywood agent, was so upset by her inability to find work for a singer that she began to sob right in front of her. Her client tried to console her. "Don't cry for me Agent Tina." ********************************** I had a pastor friend who went into the pulpit one Sunday morning wearing a pair of new bifocals. The reading portion of the glasses improved his vision considerably, but the top portion of the glasses didn't work so well. In fact he was experiencing dizziness every time he looked through them. He explained to the congregation that the new glasses were causing problems, "I hope you will excuse my continually removing my glasses," he said. "You see when I look down I can see fine, but when I look at you, it makes me sick." ********************************** A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired-off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of a deer. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had some kind of stroke. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him. A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one's going to steal Henry!" ********************************** My husband was once employed in the printing division of a large manufacturing firm. One morning, word came from the top that some visiting VIPs would be touring the plant in just a few minutes. All production was immediately shut down as employees scrambled to quickly tidy up the work place. When the appointed lookout yelled, "Here they come!" fifty fingers that were poised over fifty machine start-up buttons pressed down in unison and blew every fuse in the building. ********************************** Technology Advancements of US cars Ford has added wires to the rear window to clear fog and frost. Dodge is adding wires under the wipers so they can be freed when frozen and not burn up the motor. But Chevy is adding the wire elements to the tailgates on all of their trucks to keeps your hands warm while you're pushing! ********************************** "I noticed you always carry my photo in your handbag. Why?" a husband asked his wife. "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem always disappears," she said. The man smiled. "You see how good I am for you?" he asked. "Yes," she said. "I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be worse than this one?'" ********************************** "Please make me look pretty!" -- LIZA MINNELLI to a courtroom sketch artiist before a hearing on her divorce proceedings, according to the New York Post. ********************************** "This isn't right, this isn't even wrong." --Wolfgang Pauli (1900-1958), upon reading a young physicist's paper ********************************** "Believe it or not, even though a lot of people smoked pot, I think beer was still the drug of choice. It was for me." -- Democratic presidential candidate HOWARDD DEAN discussing his '60s experiences in Rolling Stone. ********************************** It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more. -- Woody Allen