On my four-year-old daughter's first trip to Disneyland, she couldn't wait to get on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. As the car zoomed through the crazy rooms, into the path of a speeding train, and through walls that fell away at the last second, she clutched the little steering wheel in front of her. When the ride was over, she said to me a little shakily, "Next time, you drive. I didn't know where I was going." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Doctors: (A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000. (B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000. (C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services. Now Guns: (A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is appx. 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million. (B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500. (C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188. Statistics courtesy of F.B.I. Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners. Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do." FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR! Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediately. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!!! Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ Over drinks one afternoon a buddy of mine and I were discussing former "loves." I told him that I once broke-up with a girl long ago because she had a seemingly incurable speech impediment. George said, "Jimmy, I'm shocked. I never know you to be one to be prejudiced against handicaps. What was the girl's problem?" Taking a sip, I paused and reflected. "She couldn't say 'yes'. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was dicussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the most exciting discovery you found there?", asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leafs of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?" Replied the botanist, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ [[More Real Signs]] At a Santa Fe gas station: "We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container." In a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager." On the wall of a Baltimore estate: "Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. -Sisters of Mercy" On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaners: "38 years on the same spot." In a Los Angeles dance hall: "Good clean dancing every night but Sunday." In a Florida maternity ward: "No children allowed." In a New York drugstore: "We dispense with accuracy." In the offices of a loan company: "Ask about our plans for owning your home." In a New York medical building: "Mental Health Prevention Center" Sign over a cannibal's hut: "I never met a man I didn't like." Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming." Sign on auto body shop: "May we have the next dents?" Sign at a hotel. "Help! We need inn-experienced people." Sign in butchers window: "Pleased to meat you." Sign in a science teacher's room: "If it moves, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ In the early 1990's, when I was stationed at Caserma Carlo Ederle in Italy, it was very common to see soldiers riding bicycles back and forth to work. So it came as no big surprise that, after a series of painfully comic accidents, a new policy was announced, saying in summary, "Soldiers shall no longer salute officers who are engaged in the riding of a bicycle." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ [[Dirty Joke]] Two little old ladies are at a very long church service. After a while one says to the other: "My butt is asleep." Her friend responds: "Yes, I know. I have heard it snore three times now !" /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ I was in a bank when a man entered with a rather large dog on a leash. When he asked if it was okay to bring his pet into the building, a bank official answered, "Yes, provided he doesn't make a deposit." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ In 1946 the following ad appeared in several southern California newspapers: "Wanted: Congressman candidate with no previous political experience to defeat a man who has represented the district in the House for 10 years. Any young man, resident of district, preferably a veteran, fair education, may apply for the job." The ad has been placed by the Republican party. The young man who answered the ad was awarded the job and did in fact defeat incumbent Jerry Voorhis after a dirty campaign. So who kicked off his political career by replying to a want ad? Richard N. Nixon. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ When a golf supply store near our house went under, the only evidence it had existed was a sign that read "Hole in One Golf Supplies." Recently, a new company moved into the building. Rather than throw away the sign, the owners merely made a few edits. The sign now reads "Hole for One Mortuary Supplies." /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves." --Bill Vaughan /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did." -- Newt Gingrich /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me." -- Elayne Boosler /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "This decision is a result of much thoughtful consideration. We happily remain committed and caring friends with great love and admiration for one another." -- superstar couple BRAD PITT and JENNIFER ANISTON, in a joint statement announcing their separation after 4 1/2 years of marriage. /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen." -- Anon /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "I wnat to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first." -- New Orleans Saint George Rogers /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ "I sometimes endure excruciating periods of doubt and soul-searching and I always try to play out the results of each alternative. However, once I make the decision I move forward. Something clicks, and all my energies are applied to ensuring the decision works rather than fretting over whether it was the right one." -- Rudy Giuliani