Happy New Year, my friend. What is your big plan for Year 2006? Buy a house, build a business, find a soul mate, crush an enemy, make a difference? If your plan involves giving out cash, remember to list my name. Thanks for your support of reading this joke list. Hey, we have been 'in business' for four years. Can you imagine how many laughs you already got? If you have invested one dollar on each joke you read, you can take all your family and friends to a 7-day Carribean cruise vacation by now. Brian Your Joke Master ======================================================================= "Hits" snack food is one of the few products whose demise can be blamed solely on the packaging. When boxes of HITS were lined up end-to-end on store shelves, here's what shopper saw: HITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITS ======================================================================= An American first grader slipped in the hall of his school and sprained his ankle. His teacher, a member of the bite the bullet generation, said, "Remember, Johnny, big boys don't cry." "I'm not going to cry," snapped Johnny, "I'm going to sue!" ======================================================================= A guy took a girl out on her first date. When they pulled off into a secluded area around midnight, the girl said, "My mother told me to say no to everything." "Well," he said, "do you mind if I put my arm around you?" "Uhhh . . . no," the girl replied. "Do you mind if I put my other hand on your leg?" "N-n-no," the girl stammered. "You know," Barry said, "We're going to have a lot of fun if you're on the level about this." ======================================================================= Subject: Colonoscopy quotes!! A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies: 1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!" 2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?" 3. "Can you hear me NOW?" 4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" 5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married." 6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?" 7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..." 8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!" 9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!" 10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity." 11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?" 12. "Now I know why I am not gay." 13. And the best one of them all... "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?" ======================================================================= Some women are refusing to take birth control pills, opting to leave contraception up to men. Do you know what they call women who leave birth control up to men? Mothers of 10 or Stupid. ======================================================================= My New Year Resolution for Year 2006 (Same as year 2005) 1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds. 2. Stop exercising. Waste of time. 3. Read less. Makes you think. 4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff. 5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow. 6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more. 7. Get in a whole NEW rut! 8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace. 9. Don't eat cloned meat. 10. Create loose ends. 11. Get more toys. 12. Get further in debt. 13. Don't believe politicians. 14. Break at least one traffic law. 15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet. 16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks. 17. Associate with even worse business clients. 18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them. 19. Wait around for opportunity. 20. Focus on the faults of others. 21. Mope about faults. 22. Never make New Year's resolutions again. ======================================================================= [[Ultimate How-to- Books (Actual Title)]] "Grow Your Own Hair" by Ron MacLaren, 1947 "Let's Make Some Undies" by Marion Hall, 1954 "Teach Yourself Alcoholism" by Meire Glatt, 1975 ======================================================================= Best Security System while you are on vacation 1. Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots ...a really big pair. 2. Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine. 3. Put a dog dish beside it... a really BIG dog dish. 4. Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, BIG Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition...back in a hour. Don't disturb the Pitbulls; they are already upset." ======================================================================= A three-year-old in our congregation watches football games with his father and knows some of the signals the referee makes. On a recent Sunday as the pastor raised his hands high to offer a blessing, the child interrupted the service by shouting, "Touchdown!" ======================================================================= Mattel recently announced the release of Limited-Edition NoVa (Northern Virginia) Barbie dolls for the local Trader Joe's market chain. I understand there have been several thousand sets donated to the Marine "Toys For Tots" 2005' Campaign. McLean Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Neiman's (Marcus you Dallas twits) in Tyson's II. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, a Lexus RX 330 SUV, a long-haired Chihuahua named "Pookie Bear," and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the "augmented" version. Buy two and get their belly buttons pierced for free! Falls Church Barbie: This modern-day homemaker Barbie is available with a Ford Windstar minivan and matching two tone gym outfit. She gets lost easily (The Magellan is obviously on the fritz) and has no full time occupation or secondary education. Traffic-jamming cell phone included, (micro-headset sold separately). Warning, She spends about $150 a month on "AA" size Duracells at Costco in Fairfax. Manassas Barbie: This recently paroled former "Soft-Porn Actress" Barbie comes with a 9 mm Glock handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a Chevy Suburban with dark tinted windows, and a methlab kit. This model is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash; preferably small, untraceable bills. (Unless you are a cop, then I don't know what you are talking about.) Great Falls Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW M3 convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, American Express Platinum card, and Montpelier country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them but thanks for shopping KMart. The Blue Light Specials include Victoria Secret panties (Ken sizes only) and East Indian Forehead Rouge for Kama Skipper. Woodbridge Barbie: This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, an autographed NASCAR T-shirt, and Tweety Bird tattoo on her left shoulder. She has a six-pack of Coors Light and a Hank Williams, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's sorry ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck (with 6 place gun rack) separately and get a limited edition Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free. Sterling Barbie: This collagen-injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print bikini outfit and drinks Gray Goose cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the McMansion. There are Percocet and Zoloft prescriptions available for Sterling Barbie and Generic 100 mg Viagras for Ab crunchingVideo producer ex Husband Ken. Leesburg Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer-Gut Ken out of Louella's Barbie house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter top. Available with a double wide mobile home covered by Allstate tornado and flood insurance. North Arlington Barbie: This doll is made of actual tofu! She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no makeup, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow." She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two North Arlington Barbie's and the optional Subaru wagon, you'll get a rainbow flag sticker for free. South Arlington Barbie: This Spanish-speaking-only Barbie comes with a 1984 Primer Blue Toyota Celica S 5 with expired temporary Oregon plates and three baby Barbie's in the back seat, but no car seats. The optional Ken doll comes with a paint-bucket lunch pail and is missing three fingers on his left hand. Green cards are not available for South Arlington Barbie or Ken. ======================================================================= The local priest came across Paddy who had stumbled out of the town tavern. "Paddy," he said, " I'm afraid I'll not be seeing you in Heaven one day." "Really, Father?" slurred Paddy. "What have you done?" ======================================================================= A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?" The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife." "What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter. "My wife" [] ======================================================================= Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a consultant." Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough cosultants." Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor." Employer: "More than we can use already." Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor." Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications." Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, "work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!" Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening." ======================================================================= Did you know that a man is made up of many useless things? He has an Adam's apple that isn't an apple Two calves that will never become cows A nose bridge that doesn't lead anywhere A roof of the mouth that won't cover anything Twenty nails that won't hold a board A chest that won't hold linen Two boobs that won't give milk Two buns that won't feed anyone A belly button that won't button Two balls that won't roll An ass that won't pull a plow An organ that won't play music A cock that won't crow ======================================================================= One day, whilst cleaning her young sons bedroom, a mother finds a sado-masochist magazine on top of his wardrobe. Not quite sure of how she should confrount him about it, she keeps the magazine until her husband gets home from work. Slowly, he flicks through the pictures of leather clad women brandishing whips, chains and the like, before handing it back to his wife without a word. "So" she says, exasperated, "What do you think we should do about this?" The husband looks at her solomnly, "Well" he says,"If I were you, I wouldn't spank him." ======================================================================= The Energizer Bunny, known best for "going and going and going..." passed away last evening. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming.. ======================================================================= Top Ten Signs You're a Fundamentalist Christian 10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours. 9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt. 8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God. 7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees! 6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky. 5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old. 4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving." 3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity. 2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God. 1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian. ======================================================================= A customer walks into a pharmacy and asks assistant for an anal deodorant. The assistant explains that they don't stock them. The man insists that he bought his last one from this store. The assistant passes man on to the pharmacist, who explains that store has never stocked such an item. The man explains he bought his last one from this store only weeks ago and has done for several years. The pharmacist asks man to bring in his last purchase and he will try to match the product. The following day, the man returns to the pharmacy and shows the deodorant to the pharmacist. The pharmacist asks why the customer thinks this is an anal deodorant, when it is obviously of the underarm stick variety. The customer explains that instructions on reverse state, "Push up bottom to use." ======================================================================= [[Leadership Quotes] NEW YORK (FORTUNE) - Demand criticism. Let subordinates have the floor. And think more like Vaclav Havel. Ten top bosses share their stories, their advice and what they've learned from great leaders of the past. "I had to make sure we got rid of the saboteurs" -- A.G. Lafley, Procter & Gamble CEO "Leading is like parenting: It's one long process of pulling back" -- Carley Roney, The Knot, Co-founder and editor-in-chief since 1996 "I listen, but shortly after, the second piece is to pull the trigger." -- Terry Lundgren, Federated CEO since 20003 "As a leader, you are putting your ass on the line. You should be scared." -- Kevin Sharer, Amgen CEO since 2000 "Taking yourself too seriously is the worst thing you can do." -- Carol Bartz, Autodesk CEO since 1992 "Look for integrity. I think this is a bedrock requirement." -- Stanley O'Neal, Merrill Lynch CEO sincee 2003