The shoe dealer was interviewing a potential salesman. "Suppose," he said, "a lady customer were to remark while you were trying to fit her, 'Don't you think one of my feet is bigger than the other?' What would you say?" "I would say, 'On the contrary, Ma'am, one is smaller than the other.'" "The job is yours." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WASHINGTON POST columnist, runs a column each summer listing interesting t-shirts observed at the Ocean City, Maryland beach. I CHILDPROOFED MY HOUSE, BUT THEY STILL GET IN. (On the front) 60 IS NOT OLD. (On the back) IF YOU'RE A TREE. I'M STILL HOT. IT JUST COMES IN FLASHES. AT MY AGE, "GETTING LUCKY" MEANS FINDING MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT. MY REALITY CHECK JUST BOUNCED. LIFE IS SHORT. . MAKE FUN OF IT. I'M NOT 50. I'M $49.95 PLUS TAX. I NEED SOMEBODY BAD. ARE YOU BAD? PHYSICALLY PFFFFFT! BUCKLE UP. IT MAKES IT HARDER FOR THE ALIENS TO SNATCH YOU FROM YOUR CAR. I'M NOT A SNOB. I'M JUST BETTER THAN YOU ARE. IT'S MY CAT'S WORLD. I'M JUST HERE TO OPEN CANS. EARTH IS THE INSANE ASYLUM OF THE UNIVERSE. KEEP STARING....I MAY DO A TRICK. WE GOT RID OF THE KIDS. THE CAT WAS ALLERGIC. DANGEROUSLY UNDER-MEDICATED. (Hey, they have one for me!) MY MIND WORKS LIKE LIGHTNING. ONE BRILLIANT FLASH AND IT'S GONE. EVERY TIME I HEAR THE DIRTY WORD "EXERCISE" I WASH MY MOUTH OUT WITH CHOCOLATE. CATS REGARD PEOPLE AS WARM-BLOODED FURNITURE. LIVE YOUR LIFE SO THAT WHEN YOU DIE, THE PREACHER WILL NOT HAVE TO TELL LIES AT YOUR FUNERAL. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Students at school were asked to write about the harmful effects of oil on fish. One 11-year old wrote, "When my mom opened a tin of sardines last night it was full of oil and all the sardines were dead." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Who is God? (A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.) Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman? Father: Both, son, both. (After a short while the boy comes back.) Boy: Dad, is God black or white? Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both. (After another wait, the boy comes back again) Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God? ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Lorne was an old man, he was sick, and he was in the hospital. Anyway, there was this one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little child. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for our bath, or are we hungry?" Old Lorne had had enough of this particular nurse. One day, Old Lorne had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his bed side stand. He had been given a Urine Bottle to fill for testing. The juice was apple juice. So.....you know where the juice went. Well, the nurse came in a little later and picked up the urine bottle. She looks at it. "My, but it seems we are a little cloudy today....." At this, Old Lorne snatched the bottle out of her hand, pops off the top, and drinks it down, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time." The nurse fainted..... Old Lorne just smiled...... ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ On a high school science quiz, there was the question, "When water becomes ice which of its physical properties increases?" Everyone answered, "Its volume.." Except one wise guy who wrote, "When water becomes ice, its price increases." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Why Some Men Are Proud of Themselves If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Phone conversations can be over in 30 seconds or less. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can go to the bathroom without a support group. You don't have to learn to spell a new last name. You can leave the motel bed unmade. Everything on your face stays its original color. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental - 75 bucks. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack. You can open all your own jars. If you are 35 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me." Same work...more pay. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with. "So, notice anything different?" You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ WOMEN'S HUMOR The man came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Harry, a TV repairman, was called to fix a television set that had neither sound nor picture. Left alone in the room, Harry spotted the cause immediately: the set was unplugged. Harry faced a dilemma: one part of him said he shouldn't charge the woman; the other insisted he be paid for his time. Finally, he presented her with a minimum-charge service bill, which read: "Restored isolated connecting cable to primary power source. $25." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ I was trying to get my seventh-grade history class to understand how the Indians must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers. "How would you feel," I asked, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?" "Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date." ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he develops a good, lucky feeling." --Jack Handey ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "Last week, president Bush said he will not allow Mad Cow Disease to stop him from eating beef. The president went on to say that, in fact, today, he had a ham sandwich." --Conan O'Brien ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ "'I have done that,' says my memory. 'I cannot have done that' - says my pride, and remains adamant. At last - memory yields." --Friedrich Nietzsche