Late one night I stopped at one of those 24-hour gas station mini-marts to get myself a fresh-brewed cup of coffee. When I picked up the pot, I could not help noticing that the brew was as black as asphalt and just about as thick. "How old is the coffee you have here?" I asked the woman who was standing behind the store counter. She shrugged. "I don't know. I've only been working here two weeks." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[Q & A leftovers from last X'mas]] Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus! Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[Six Stages Of Married Life:]] Tri-weekly Try weekly Try weakly Try oysters Try anything Try to remember %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[Comic takes]] -Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world aree Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin. -So I said to the gym instructor "Can you tteach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays". -But I'll tell you what I love doing more tthan anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself. -A man walks into doctor's office. "What seeems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's ... um ... well ... I have five penises." replies the man. "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove." -I went to the butchers the other day and II bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "No, you're right" he said, "the steaks are too high." -So I said "Do you want a game of darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest". -A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What are you supposed to be?" The man says "A premature ejaculation." "What?" says the woman. The man explains "I've just come in my underpants." -There was a man who entered a local paper''s pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did. -A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. Daisy: "It's true, straight up, no bull!" %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer. RAY... The guy that sells me beer. ME... The guy who drinks the beer FAR... The distance to my beer. SO... I think I'll have a beer. LA... La la la la la la beer. TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer. That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) DOH! %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[Q & A leftovers from last X'mas]] Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The Elf-abet! Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite. Q: Why was Santa's little helper depressed? A: Because he had low elf esteem. Q: What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? A: Ribbon hood. Q: What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? A: Sandy Claus! Q: What do snowmen eat for breakfast? A: Snowflakes. Q: What goes Ho, Ho, Swoosh, Ho, Ho, Swoosh? A: Santa caught in a revolving door! Q: What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? A: Claustrophobic. Q: What's a good holiday tip? A: Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone south for the winter. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[More actual signs.]] Found written on the wall in front of a photocopier of a company going through hardships : "DOUBLE YOUR PLEASURE - XEROX YOUR PAYCHECKS " At a car dealership in Maryland to announce new seat belt legislation: "Belt your family. It's the law." Seen while traveling in the Yucatan Peninsula: "Broken English spoken perfectly" At an Applebee's restaraunt: "NOTICE: AFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY! A new 6% tax will be charged for the cost of collecting taxes!" Fitness Center sign: "Self Esteem is feeling good about yourself - regardless of the facts." In a clothing store: "Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks." In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: "15 men's wool suits, $10. They won't last an hour!" On a shopping mall marquee: "Archery Tournament-Ears pierced" Outside a country shop: "We buy junk and sell antiques." Road sign in Roosevelt, Utah: "Rest Area Next Right" - the next right leads a person right into to a cemetery. A sign in the local opportunity shop says, "If your going to steal, then smile for the camera." At my University's Student center Bathrooms: "If you see four feet instead of two under the bathroom door, please notify it immediately to the University Police." %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% A seven year old Minneapolis boy was at the center of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, so the judge awarded custody to his aunt. The boy confirmed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him. Custody was granted to the Football Team Minnesota Vikings this morning, as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone. %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%% [[ New Year Quotes]] "New Year's Resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time." -- James Agate $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits." -- Unknown $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "Drop the last year into the silent limbo of the past. Let it go, for it was imperfect, and thank God that it can go." -- Brooks Atkinson $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "A new year is unfolding like a blossom with petals curled tightly concealing the beauty within." -- Anonymous $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "Be at war with your vices; at peace with your neighbors, and let every new year find you a better man." -- Benjamin Franklin $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "We will open the book. Its pages are blank. We are going to put words on them ourselves. The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day." -- Edith Lovejoy Pierce $$$$$$$$$$$$ $$$$$$$$$$$$ "The object of a new year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul." --Jose G. K. Chesterton