Warning: Cruel humor contained... CNN Late Breaking News! It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22AM Pacific Standard Time by US Special Forces. The prime suspect of the recent terrorist attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground passage in a remote mountainside of southern Afghanistan. Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across the southern Afghanistan countryside, and the little prick just popped up! ********************************************************* My friend's sister was to be married on short notice but still wanted an elaborate wedding. The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception. Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation. Family and friends were surprised to read: "Conception im- mediately following the ceremony in the grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited." ********************************************************* Mornin', my little Judge, Over the weekend I happened to catch a glimpse of some National Dog Show event as I flipped through the channels. The dog on the screen at the time was a white English sheepdog. It was simply a mound of fur with four legs. The judge was brushing back the dog's hair so she could look at the animal's eyes. The TV announcer was explaining that each dog has to have its eyes checked to make sure they're the right shape, color, etc., etc. Another announcer chimed in with, "Well, plus the judge has to see if the dog HAS both of its eyes. 'Cuz if you start combing through hair and you only see ONE eye . . . you're looking at the wrong end of the dog." ********************************************************* A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!" ********************************************************* Attorney Hunting A Bill To Regulate The Hunting And Harvesting Of Attorneys 372.01 -Any person with a valid state rodent or armadillo hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport ing (non-commercial) purposes. 372.02 -Taking of attorneys with traps or dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited. 372.03 -The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash. 372.04 -It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft. 372.05 -It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 372.06 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoons. 372.07 -It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs or hospitals. 372.08 -If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a licence to hunt, trap or possess the same. 372.09 -It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. 372.10 -Bag Limits Per Day: 2 Yellow-bellied Sidewinders 2 Two-faced Tort-feasors 1 Back-stabbing Divorce Litigators 3 Horn-rimmed Cut-throats 2 Minutiae-advocating Chickens 0 Honest Attorneys: (Protected, Endangered species.) ********************************************************* We passed one open air butcher shop where the fresh hung sides of beef were heavily coated with flies, while the next shop visited had sides of meat hanging and no flies. On inquiring, I was told by the owner, "Not to worry! I use RAID!"¡¦" ********************************************************* The girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." "What is it, child?" "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am." The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin... it's simply a mistake." ********************************************************* "The "Boston Herald" has reported that Massachusetts has come up with a new state slogan: Massachusetts: Make it Your's, which I think is a lot better than New York's slogan: New York, Up Your's." --Conan O'Brien ********************************************************* "According to a new report, Southern California is experiencing its worse pollution season in years. Isn't that scary? Air pollution is now officially a season here in L.A." --Jay Leno ********************************************************* "A California congressman was reporting back on his trip from Baghdad. He said that almost no one spoke English, poison gas filled the sky, and he saw people firing guns in the street and that was on the way to the L.A. airport." --Jay Leno ********************************************************* This is a well designed parody site of the Whitehouse. It is so funny... http://www.whitehouse.org/ For the authentic white house website, go to http://www.whitehouse.gov/ Don't forget to take a virtual tour inside the house by clicking on History and Tour.