Happy New Year Folks, In the midst of uncertainly, the only sure thing this year is that you will receive jokes (if you see this email, the goal is accomplished). There is no guarantee the 'jokes' will be funny to you, but I am very certain they will appear funny to me if I send them out. How are you going to use the precious time of Year 2003? XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Top 10 Resolutions You Won't Keep This Year (for Nerds) 10. I will not buy magazines just to get free DVD. 9. I will stop sending email to my roommate. 8. I resolve to work with neglected children... my own. 7. I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm I answer my email. 6. When I subscribe to a news group or mailing list, I will read all the mail I get from it. 5. I will stay on the computer as long as I want. What? OK, dear... I'm coming. Never mind. 4. No more downloads from alt.binaries.* 3. I resolve to back up my new 80 GB hard drive daily... well, once a week... monthly, perhaps... 2. I won't try to get onto the Netscape web site as soon as a new Navigator beta comes out. 1. I will spend less than one hour (or two) a day on the Net. 0. I will stop buying stuff from internet at work. -1. I will read the manual. -2. I will think of a password other than "password." -3. I will limit my top ten lists to ten items. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX It Must Be The Drinking A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches. "I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I'm not sleeping. What is it, Doc?" The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, "I can't find anything wrong. It must be the drinking." "Fair enough," replied the lush. "I'll come back when you sober up." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX Airline Anecdotes Occasionally, airline flight attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported: "As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position." "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 6 ways out of this airplane..." "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments." "We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane." "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately." Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern." And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with all of you for the rest of the flight." As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA..!" "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children." "As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." "Last one off the plane must clean it." On a particularly windy and bumpy day, during the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal." After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted." Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX The rules at a particular university were such that if the professor were not present in the classroom by 15 minutes past the hour, the class was considered a "walk" and the students were free to leave - with no penalties for missing a class. The rooms were equipped with the type wall clocks that "jumped" ahead each minute, in a very noticeable fashion. As it were, these clocks were also not of the most sophis- ticated construction. Some enterprising student discovered that if one were to hit the clock with chalkboard erasers, it would cause the clock to "jump" ahead 1 minute. It became almost daily practice for these students to take target practice at the clock (as it would have it, this particular professor was not the most punctual, and the students considered him severely "absent-minded"). A few well aimed erasers, and lo, 15 minutes were passed, and class dismissed itself. Well, when the day for the next exam rolled around, the professor strolled into the room, passed out the exams, and told them "You have 1 hour to complete". The professor then proceeded to collect the erasers from around the room, gleefully taking aim at the clock. When he had successfully "jumped" the clock forward 1 hour, he closed the class and collected the exam papers. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX An interoffice softball game was held every year between the marketing and support staff of one company. The support staff whipped the marketing department soundly. To show just "how" the marketing department earns their keep, they posted this memo on the bulletin board after the game: "The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the 2000 Softball Season, we came in second place, having lost but one game all year. The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A woman was walking in the mall when a man taking a survey stopped her. "Excuse me, Madam. We're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex. Would you like to participate?" "Sure," said the woman. "Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?" "Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your ass." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX A lady called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in." She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is." XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend; provided, of course, he really is dead. ---Voltaire XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more." -Max Kauffmann XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "I'd always wondered what it would be like to live on the sun, until my mother-in-law suggested that pressing my face against a hot frying pan might give me an idea. Trust me, you *don't* want to move there." - Ted Moran XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX "According to a new study, children that snore get lower grades...especially if they're snoring in class." -Jay Leno XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX To see how CIA describes your country, or the country you plan to visit , go to http://www.cia.gov/cia/publications/factbook/index.html