Happy New Year! What do you plan to do and be this year? "To achieve inner peace we have to finish the things we have started." ....... so I finished off a bottle of red wine, a bottle of white, the Bailey's, Kahlua and a Wild Turkey, ....... My Prozac, some Valium, my cigarettes and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how good I now feel! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Great Philosophical Questions Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? The light went out, but where to ? Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? If a train station is where a train stops, what is a workstation? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? Did Adam ever said to Eve, "Watch it! There are plenty more ribs where you came from!" Many people quit looking for work when they find a job. Why ask for shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If the plural of "mouse" is "mice, shouldn't the plural of "house" be "hice"? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! For the new Year Eve crowd! Alcohol warning labels American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers: WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, richer, faster and better looking than most people. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your ass kicked. WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode/ (Does any one waited long for jokes with warnings?) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?" The drunk answers, "Yes, I am." So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?" The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus." The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?" The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus." By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus? The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?" !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When my wife had to rush to the hospital unexpectedly, she asked me to bring her a few items from home. One item on her list was "comfortable underwear." Worried I'd make the wrong choice, I asked, "How will I know which ones to pick?" "Hold them up and imagine them on me," she answered. "If you smile, put them back." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver for vacation, so I called the airlines to get prices. "Air- fare to Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson. "And what about Salt Lake City?" "We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover." "Where?" I asked. "Denver." !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Women exist in the main solely for the propagation of the species, and are not destined for anything else... You need only look at the way in which she is formed, to see what woman is not meant to undergo great labor, whether of the mind or of the body... She pays the debt of life not by what she does, but by what she suffers; by the pains of childbearing and care for the child, and by submission to her husband, to whom she should be patient and cheering companion. - Arthur Schopenhauer, A German Philosopherr !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "A graduate student in Michigan announced that after eight years of searching, his computer has discovered the longest prime number in history. Not surprisingly, the student has yet to discover a girl's phone number." --Conan O'Brien !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink. - W.C. Fields !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." Daniel J. Boorstin. !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! "Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done." Ernie Kovacs.