“NEVER LET GO”
CHAPTER ONE:
JASMINE
Jan 27th
2001
Dear Diary,
Hanson just
had the worst gig ever! I am almost
ashamed to be their manager. I guess it
was too good to be true, getting that gig at Jazzerios. Only the best Tulsan bands play there. Rock bands that always make it
big. Then I had bought that really
expensive red dress with ruffles. It
had cost me a hundred and fifty bucks.
I could feel Taylor’s eyes all over me when he saw I was wearing
it. But I should’ve saved it for a
better night.
You’re
wondering how bad it was? I had told
everyone, all my friends, all Hanson’s friends, posted on the net, went on the
radio and got a listing in the paper.
OK so I was underage and to get in you had to be twenty-one being a bar
and all. No biggie. The owner, Mr Delray said I could get in as
long as I didn’t drink. And no I did
not drink. I never
drink in public…besides Diana and Walker were there. So was Lilly. She’d rat
on me in an instant. (No one asked her
for ID!)
So we rock up
at Jazzerios for a one hour set, Delray all happy and stuff. Taylor wearing these tight leather pants he
got in LA, Zac in polyester and a wife beater and Isaac in a yellow shirt and
chinos. Me in my stare-worthy red
dress. Oh and Lilly was wearing some
spotty skirt and had a VPL (Visible Panty Line) a G-string wouldn’t kill the
gal but no one listens to me, not even my sister.
At first I had
a good vibe going on. A pretty relaxed
atmosphere. My older friends and Ike’s
friends and other people we knew who were old enough to get in. So when Hanson got up on the stage there was
clapping all around. People recognised
them. A good sign. The first few songs, all penned by Hanson,
went without a glitch. “If Only”, “In
the City”, “Runaway Run”. I think the
small crowd enjoyed ‘em. Only Delray
came up to me and said, “What’s with the songs?”
I had given
him a blank stare.
“I thought
Hanson were a cover band.” Delray said.
Crap. I motioned for Hanson to
finish the fourth song, “River”, and to come over to me. When I explained the situation they were
reluctant to comply. “We hardly
rehearsed covers…” Zac said to Delray.
“I thought
Jazzerios was a place for local bands to showcase their hidden talent. How can we do that if we perform
covers?” Taylor added.
“My business
is exactly how you described it. I have
no objection to you playing your own songs.
Provided you play a few of my requests.” Delray handed me a piece of paper. “Pick a couple.”
I had no idea
how they were gonna perform songs just like that, no rehearsal no nothing. The list of songs was all Top 40. Ike disapproved immediately. “I ain’t no Back-sync kid.” Lilly backed him
up as per usual. I merely told them
that since I couldn’t force them to do anything they didn’t want that it would
be up to them. Who knew Delray would
cut in two songs later and announce to the audience that they would perform
“Stronger” the new Britney single.
Three unhappy
I’m-gonna-kill-you-for-not-finding-out-sooner stares were thrown my way. AND THEY SUCKED. If Britney doesn’t imitate Hanson then Hanson should not imitate
Britney. IT WAS SO EMBARRASSING! Taylor
barely knew the words stumbling over them, Zac hurried the beat and Ike just
didn’t know what he was doing. He
hardly ever listens to Britney unless he’s driving Avery someplace and she
cranks it up. They were lucky that they
didn’t get booed.
After that
shocking performance Delray yelled out that they would play N Sync’s “Bye Bye
Bye”. Zac got really pissed off, broke
his drumsticks in half and left the stage.
He freaked me out soo badly. I
was like “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’?????” and he was like,
“I’m leaving,
I ain’t singing Nsync!!” so I grabbed him by the shoulders and brought his face
close to mine and said, “We’re getting 500 bucks for this gig, I need new shoes
and frankly you need a haircut. So get
back on that stage this instant or I will kick your ass.” He got back up there. However instead of Nsync they played “Shake
your Tail feather” and the audience seemed revived again.
Thank
God. Delray was extremely unimpressed
only the patrons liked it so he shut up.
Hanson were going fine despite Zac using his half broken sticks. Only I dunno who had plugged the amps in,
there were like five plugs jammed together by double adaptors in one power
point. It wouldn’t have mattered but
the stupid groupies were there. For
some reason Hanson have gathered a small fan base of annoying girls who came to
every gig possible. The older posse had
came and as a joke wet Ike with water from a Mineral water bottle. I was the only one who saw the water hit the
plugs before there was a huge HISS some sparks and the lights blew out. Lucky Ike’s guitar was plugged
elsewhere. The crowd instantly became
restless, until a man noticed something was burning. Everyone freaked out and ran out the door. Delray called the fire
brigade. If it weren’t for Walker
seeing the extinguisher and putting out the small blaze Jazzerios would be
Asherios.
In a nutshell
we caused a lot of excitement, and distress.
Some woman fainted. The fire brigade arrived after the fire had been put
out. Delray was not pleased. I expected him to not pay us at all but he
grudgingly did. He had insurance and
the fire wasn’t big anyhow. What was
his problem?
I probably
should’ve known better than to catch a ride with Hanson to their house.
“Jasmine that
gig sucked.” Ike told me as he drove
the blue Landcruiser.
“So? Was it my
fault?” I asked innocently.
“No but
Britney?! I can’t believe we sang that song.”
Zac said disgusted.
“Hold up! It was hard enough for poor Jas to get the
gig, give her some slack.” Taylor stuck
up for me and had given me a supportive smile.
At least he was looking at my eyes and not my cleavage. I really don’t know how I feel about Taylor
but that night in the shadows of the car he put his arm around me. The warmth of his sweaty body and my red
dress was a perfect match.
“Oh I don’t
know I thought that was pretty poor.”
Lilly had to add her opinion from her position in the front passenger
seat.
“Why don’t you
try performing under pressure then?” I
retorted.
“I ain’t in a
band honey.” She said in her superior
way. I hate that she annoys me soo
much. Why couldn’t I have a normal,
nice sister?
“Anyway next
gig at a place where we haven’t performed before I want you to check out the place
and talk to the manager, Jasmine.”
Isaac said to me.
“Do you know
how many gigs we have at unknown places?”
I had blurted out. “I do have a
life.”
“You’re our
manager!” Zac indignantly said.
“BUT NO ONE
APPRECIATES ME!!” I yelled. I was pretty pissed off and by that time we
had reached the Hanson’s home. Once out
of the car and slamming the door I walked quickly towards home, half a block
away, my heels clicking against the bitumen road. Taylor ran after me and called for me to wait. I ignored him and hurried. He’s a pretty fast runner unfortunately.
“We do
appreciate you,” he said to my angered self.
“You never
show it.” Was all that I said. Taylor wordlessly followed me the rest of
the way home.
At the front
door he placed his hand on top of mine before I opened the door.
“I didn’t have
a chance to tell you how beautiful you look tonight.”
That got my
attention. I did the hair flick thing
and flashed him my supermodel smile.
“Really?”
“Yeah,” he was
blushing and stared at his Doc Martin clad feet.
I placed my
right index finger on his chest dragging it softly down, red fingernail making
an invisible line and then lifting his head up to look at me. I raised my eyebrows and kissed him. I must’ve caught him off guard because he
didn’t kiss me back until a few seconds later.
Taylor was a fine kisser. Just
when he expected more I pulled away.
“Goodnight,” I mumbled hastily and went inside up to my room leaving a
very confused Taylor on my front door step.
Weird
nite. But not that bad an ending…
Jasmine
@>>== a
rose by any other name would smell as sweet
February 17,
2001
Dear Mom,
I’VE HAD IT!!
I’ve absolutely had it with that girl! I know you said when we were younger
“Love your sister ‘cause one day she’ll be all you have left” but Mom she
drives me insane!
Do you know
what she did yesterday? She started complaining at breakfast about Hanson’s
performance at Jazzerio’s. And I mean it was a really bad gig but most of it
was Jas’s fault, ‘cause she didn’t tell Hanson that they had to play a few
covers! I mean what kind of manager is she, if she doesn’t do her job right?
God!
Anyway she was
complaining and I just couldn’t take anymore of her stupid blabber, so I go
“Jasmine! Shut up will you! It’s your fault Hanson had a bag gig! And I
personally think they should get a proper manager! You don’t have a clue what
you’re doing!” I couldn’t help it Mom! It all just came out. She just sat there
in shock! I don’t think she’s heard me yell like that in a while . . . I guess
since before you and Dad died.
For a minute
Jas just sat there in shock but then of course she couldn’t just let the
opportunity slide, so she started yelling back!
“WHAT!?! You
cow! You have no idea how much I’ve done for Hanson! I’m the one that keeps
them going. I’m the one that says “Don’t worry guys, you’ll make it to the top
soon!”
I felt like
saying to her, if she’s done so much to help Hanson, then why haven’t they had
a gig since the last one that she ruined for them? But instead I stood up from
the kitchen table because I knew she wouldn’t stop there. She was ready for a
good fight and I wasn’t up for that that morning. All week I’d been in a weird
mood, like I was ready to collapse into tears at any moment. I wasn’t going to
let Jas be the one to see me in tears.
“Where the
hell are you going? I’m not finished!” Jas screeched.
“I’m going to
my room. I need to be alone,” I said.
“Yeah you go
to your room and ponder your future, ‘cause when Hanson are famous and I’m
their manager, Ike isn’t gonna want your big ol’ sorry ass hanging ‘round!
You’re no Britney Spears, Lillian. You’re nothing to him!”
Can you
believe that Mom? My own sister said that to me! I mean geeze I know I’m
nothing standing next to her, but does she have to rub it in? I swear sometimes
that I’m adopted! Really, think about it. You and Dad both have – I mean had -
blonde hair and Jas has her beautiful blonde curls and then there’s me. Just me
and my dirty long brown hair. I know I’m not fat either but standing next to
Jas with her long sleek golden legs, I can’t help but think I am!
She’s like
some big blonde goddess (Taylor seems to think so) and I’m just me . . . I
think the only thing going for me is that I’m smarter than her, but who cares
about that? I can’t help it if she thinks I’m boring and ugly and over
protective. I’m just interested in my photography, my music and Hanson,
especially Isaac! And I really do care about Jasmine but sometimes I really
can’t take her anymore! She’s so spiteful and nasty! She was never like this
before you both died . . . and I guess I wasn’t really the recluse that I am
now. Sometimes I get so down that I just want to disappear forever, but I love
Isaac too much to do that . . . although at the moment it sounds like a good
idea.
Hey maybe
that’s it?! Maybe I need a break from here? I mean it’s coming up on three
years since you and Dad died and Ike and I have been together for nearly two
years!! Maybe I just need some time out to be by myself and think things over.
Like where am I going in life? What do I want to do? Is Ike really the one for
me? Should I stop playing the recluse and go back to the girl I was before I
left Australia?
You know I
could just take off somewhere. I don’t really know anyone else in America but
I’m sure I could just get a train ticket and go somewhere until I figure everything
out. I don’t think anyone would care anyway. Jas wouldn’t care, Ike’s been a
bit distant lately and probably wouldn’t even notice, Aunt Rosie is away for
three weeks with friends. But maybe Zac would notice ‘cause we usually go
bushwalking in the Mountains together when we can. He has a passion for
photography too, especially photo’s of the outdoors!
I wish you’d
had a son like Ike, Mom. He’s one of the greatest people I know. He makes me
laugh so much! When I’m with him I forget all my problems and worries. He can
take me out of my dark moods in a flash. But sometimes I think he gets sick of
me being down all the time and dressing in a conservative way. Yeah
conservative Mom. I was never like that was I? Well things change, people
change and the past is the past. When I show Ike photo’s of me when I was
younger he always gets this surprised look on his face because I look so
different now. No more tight black hipsters and a tiny top. No more short baby
doll dresses. No more bikini’s at the beach. I don’t exactly remember when I
changed. I guess it was when I crept around Aunt Rosie’s house in my pyjama’s
for ages when I first got to America! I missed you so much Mom . . . and Dad
too! And I still do!
I’m supposed
to be going to the Hansons’ for a meeting in half an hour. But I’m not sure I
want to go. I mean I bet Jasmine will still be fired up and she’ll end up
yelling at everyone. I don’t even know what the meeting is about? Who cares. I
just want to disappear right now. I really think I need a holiday somewhere
Mom. I feel like I’m gonna go insane. I’m sick of being down all the time. I
want to be the girl that I was before you and Dad died! I want you alive again!
How am I supposed to live without you?
Without you
I’m nothing . . .
Lillian
P.S I never
wanted to be Britney Spears! I just want to be happy and be like I was before
you died!
CHAPTER THREE: JASMINE
February 23 2001
Dear Diary,
Ding Dong the witch is gone! I am soo free I’ve never
been more free in my life. Lilly
dearest my oh-so-loving sister has gone back home for 3 whole weeks. Ike may
think otherwise but I think it’s SO FREAKIN’ WONDERFUL!! WOO HOOOOOOO!!!
I’m glad too the other day we had the biggest
fight. And I kinda told her that Ike
wouldn’t give a damn about her after Hanson got famous…Was that too harsh? Who
am I kidding she said I was a crap manager! I gave up that modeling class just
for Hanson. Ok so the teacher said I
didn’t have the right look. What does
she know? She was a pretty old hag squeezing herself into mini skirts when her
rolls were practically on the floor…
Anyway Lilly is gone and I have the whole house to
myself! How cool is that? I wanted to throw a party but I can’t coz Mr. and
Mrs. Hanson check up on me every day.
What a bummer otherwise I’d be the talk of the school this weekend.
Since I can’t cook I join Taylor and co for dinner at
every night at their house, then Zac or someone else walks me home. How lame, I live like half a block away and
it’s a safe neighbourhood and all.
So tonight I was over their house playing hide and
seek with Mackie and Avery. I had
played Monopoly, Barbie and GI Joe and Red Light Green Light. I was going insane. Don’t get me wrong I love both of them, I
love Jess and Zoe too but my patience was running thin, very thin. That’s when Zac grabbed my hand and pulled
me into his room as I was almost up to twenty (counts).
“Hey Zac what about Avie and Mac?” I said as he shut
his door.
Zac, being the loving brother he was, said they’d
figure it out within a minute and find something else to do which involved
annoying another person. I asked Zac
what he wanted to do then and he said he had to ask me something. I found this weird. Zac and I do talk but besides music it’s
never anything serious. We joke around
a lot and he treats me like one of the guys which is pretty cool.
“I was just wondering what’ up with you and Tay?”
The question was one I totally didn’t expect. Zac’s face was innocent and unreadable, a
complete stoic. It meant two things,
either Tay had asked zac to ask me what that kiss was about or Zac had a secret
thing for me and was jealous. Luckily
it was the first thing.
“If Taylor wants to know why doesn’t he just ask
me?” I had asked Zac.
I got some dumb response about Taylor being
embarrassed.
“I can’t believe you kissed him I thought he was like
a brother to you.” Zac’s comment really
took me by surprise. Taylor a brother
to me? EW incest!
“Why? You jealous?”
“NO you’re like my sister!”
Boy, was I relieved when he said that. I don’t think I could deal with two Hanson
brothers. Oh maybe I could. I’ve gone out with two guys at once without the
slightest suspicion. Only Zac was like
a brother to me. Sorry, I was being too
boy-crazy again.
“What did the kiss mean?” Zac pestered me.
“I don’t know.”
That was the plain simple truth. I didn’t know what the kiss meant. I wasn’t sure if I wanted Tay as a
boyfriend. It wasn’t the age
difference, two years is nothing. It
was just that, sure he was HOT but he could be a bit of a dumb blonde
sometimes. So could I. We could be perfect together. Just the two of us being dumb blondes. (I just giggled at what I wrote.) I was also
afraid we’d break up and then Hanson might have to get a new manager. That wouldn’t be worth it.
Zac wanted more than an I-don’t-know but that was all
I had to offer. It probably didn’t
matter what the kiss meant because later Taylor cornered me in their kitchen,
by surprise. I was spooning out ice
cream for Zac and me and suddenly there was a shadow over me. I screamed.
“Chill out Jassie.”
Taylor’s breath was hot on my neck, giving me a slight shiver.
Taylor wasted no time.
“Do you wanna go see a movie with me tomorrow night?”
I said I needed to study. Playing hard to get.
Taylor would not take no for an answer, those blue
eyes were killing me. They’d really tug
on your heartstrings if you took one good lo-ong look.
I said yes.
And I have no idea why. I mean I
was leading him on wasn’t I? But I
wanted Taylor, or did I just want Taylor to want me? The whole thing was
driving me nuts.
Ike drove me home as he was on the way to a friend’s
party. Boy, was he melancholy. (Doing
Shakespeare in English, melancholy means sad) He was suffering from Lilly
withdrawal symptoms and I wasn’t.
It really bugged me to see him like that so I asked
the obvious when he stopped in the driveway and walked me in.
“What’s wrong?” I asked in the doorway
He let out a long sigh.
“I miss Lil Lilly.” (That was his pet name for Lilly,
she is so not little what a stupid nickname.)
I made some sympathetic sounds.
“I mean what if she meets an ex-boyfriend back in
Melbourne and doesn’t want to come home? Or worse she gets a new boyfriend? Or
just generally won’t come home?”
I couldn’t tell Ike she was home. I also couldn’t have a melancholy guitarist.
“She’ll be faithful to ya, Ike, don’t worry man.”
It didn’t seem like he believed me.
“By the way what’s up with you and Taylor?”
“I don’t know.” What was with everyone asking me that?
“You don’t seem to be missing Lilly at all, it’s weird
you’d think you two would be closer since your parents passed away.” Ike said.
“Yeah well you get that.” I mumbled and said goodnight.
“I didn’t mean anything by that…” he called.
I had already shut the door on him. What right did he have to state the
obvious? He was my sister’s boyfriend
more than he was a real friend to me.
I’m going to bed now. I feel a bit lonely. Do I miss Lilly? Should I? I hate her.
“Hate is a strong word…” My late
mother’s words echoed in my mind.
We were never like this before, before the
accident. Is it me? But she makes me so mad sometimes…
Goodnight,
Jasmine
Email Hannah &
Natasha