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Dear Log
I am so tired. I'm almost at the end of my tether, getting to the stage where the next fan who jumps at me is going to get a punch in the face. I don't want to hurt anyone not really. But sometimes it feels that way.
They don't seem to understand...
Me and my brothers stand on that stage, giving our all, pushing ourselves to the limits of an exhaustion that will almost render us into unconsciousness. Singing until our voices are hoarse and our vocal chords feel like they will rip if we force out one more note.
And the fans scream, throw stuff at us on stage, embarrass us mid-concert by jumping on stage, attacking us with hugs and kisses. They think they have some right to us just because they bought a CD of ours, or they bought concert tickets to see us.
Last night, in the tour bus I was almost drifting off when Zac pulled back the curtain and sat on the edge of my bed, looked at me and said, "if I wanted to stop right now stop this, stop everything, stop music, stop touring, everything...would it be too late?".
I looked at him. At one point very early on in our career we'd promised ourselves, each other and the world that we would never want to back out. How strange it was to hear the forbidden words pass from my younger brothers lips. Words he'd sworn he'd never speak.
I sat up, ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, and looked at him. I no longer saw Zac as that bright-eyed child with perfect shiny golden hair and the cheerful knowing smile I had always seen since his birth. I found myself faced with this young man with dull tired eyes, a pasty complexion, masses of thick, dull, lifeless hair which had taken on the colour of dark Ochre. I'd noticed from this last two years how much my little brother had changed, he looked so much older, and had picked up a cocky attitude along the way. Looking at him, I wondered if the music had aged him physically. I felt like it had aged me mentally.
I gave another sigh and did what I usually did, I gave him a pep talk, I reminded him of the numerous reasons we were doing this, reminded him that one day we wouldn't be doing this and we'd be sorry it ever ended. I told him to stay strong that it would get easier the older we got and the more exposed to it the easier it would be to cope.
I know he didn't really believe me, but he just needed to hear it to get on with life as we knew it.
I sat there wishing I could believe my own words, and that my own words would provide some sort of solace and fill the empty space in my heart.
Music has taken so much from us. The fans have taken so much from us. It sometimes feels like there's nothing left.
Right now, I find myself thinking of How Isaac has been acting lately, he's so detached. He pretends everything is alright most of the time but I see that look in his eyes that says he just wishes this were over with, he wants to go home, he wants to sleep, hang out with friends, date whatever girl he likes at that particular moment and act like any guy his age. His laughter and his jokes are so empty.
God, we've all become such liars.
We lie to the media, the fans, the world, about how happy we are, how much we're enjoying this experience and how much we want to continue it.
Most of all, we're lying to ourselves.
Everything has taken so much from us. The Fans, the Media, The whole music Industry.
They take from us until there's nothing left nothing left for us.
Taylor Hanson
