Fumbling
Towards Ecstasy
* * * * * *
An
Ashley-Anne Douglas Fanfiction Presentation
This
story takes place after “Purpose” and “Here With Me.”
Any
questions, comments, criticism, email
me.
* * * * * *
I woke up alone, curled up naked on the couch. The sun was shining through the small
rectangular window and straight onto my face.
I closed my eyes tightly and put my hand over them to block out the
sunlight, and I sat up slowly, “Mary?” I murmured, she was the first thought I
had, she should have still been lying there with me.
And then realisation hit.
I looked at the clock on the small coffee table that was laying to the
side of the couch, and it read ten fifteen.
Mary had left…for college.
I swore at myself in my thoughts, I had been intending to speak
with her before she left, about the previous night we had just shared. About my new and rather powerful feelings
that were beginning to develop for her.
“Shit shit shit!” I cussed at myself, “she cannot be gone,” I
hauled myself up and I pulled on my boxer shorts and jogging pants from last
night and I rushed upstairs.
The smell of breakfast hit me, and instead of making me more
hungry, I began to feel hungrier. I
staggered into the kitchen, my mother was frying bacon, made a face, “morning,”
I greeted. The sunlight from the large
bay window hit me in the face and I put my hand above my eyebrows, shading my
eyes from the blinding sun.
“Morning, hon,” My mother smiled
then turned to look at me, “Isaac, honey,” She gaped, “what IS that on your
neck…”
I put my hand to my neck, “what?” I
questioned.
“Go look in a mirror,” she stated,
she turned the bacon over.
I went back into the hallway and I
looked at the large mirror on the wall facing the living room door. I gaped, there four or five massive bruises
on my neck.
No, not bruises, Ike…hickeys,
I thought at myself. I rushed upstairs
and changed, pulling on some clean underwear, baggy jean and then a turtle neck
sweater to hide the tell tale signs.
When I went downstairs and back into the kitchen my mother gave a glance
at me.
“Explanation?” she asked of me.
“Uhhh…just
mosquito bites or something, I dunno,” I shrugged, I sat down slowly at the
kitchen table and looked down at my hands absently. I pondered, I felt somewhat empty, incredibly. My mind began to go into overdrive, I began
to realise that first, I had lost my virginity, and that I had totally betrayed
all my own morals and broken my promise to my parents (the one that I had
stated I would never have sex before marriage.
Then I realised Mary was gone, and something made me start to think
there could be a chance I might never see her again.
Last night may have just been a fluke, I thought sullenly, all those sudden
feelings could have just been my body misleading me, maybe making me somehow
unconsciously think I care for Mary because I loved what we done so much. Maybe my own head is just misleading
me…maybe I could have had these feelings all along but I was too pigheaded to
care for her because she used to be a prostitute, and I saw that as bad
news…maybe I just wasn’t willing to give her a chance.
I
sighed, I wondered if she was just as confused as I was, if she thought it was
a one night stand, I wondered myself if it was just a one night stand.
Christ,
I thought. I would have never thought
that the one night of passion we’d shared would lead to so many.
You can’t just sit here, Isaac, I thought at myself. You
have to do something, you have to get up and do something, take control of your
own destiny and find her, and ask her what she feels…for God’s sake, Isaac,
you’ll never know otherwise…what if she did feel something…what if she does still
feel something.
I quickly grabbed my car
keys from where I had left them the previous night – the kitchen counter.
“Where are you going?” She
asked.
“Oh, just for a drive,” I said, “I
just need some air, you know… I’ll probably be gone most of the day, I don’t
know, I’ll call you when I’m on my way home, alright?” I promised her. I know my mother worries. It’s natural of her to.
“Okay, well…” my mother sauntered
over and pecked my cheek, “drive safe.” “I
will, I promise,” I nodded, and with that, I left.
I wasn’t sure of the route that Mary
was taking to college, but I knew she was taking it by bus. I slipped into my car, opened my book of
maps and began to trace the route of where her college was. Trust her to pick one as far away as
possible. Three bus rides would get her
there, that included three stops for each ride. It was an incredibly huge drive, but I had to know, I had to get
there, and I had to see her.
This thing was so sudden that my
head was spinning, I drove, continually telling myself that I would act casual,
that I would just tell her I drove all the way there just because she didn’t
say goodbye, and that wasn’t a very good way to part company. Then maybe, I would hint that I felt something.
You could just pick her up like
some gallant prince and bestow upon her a kiss that would make her toes curl, I
thought. While the thought was amusing,
I knew Mary wasn’t the kind of girl that would go for that. Mary was the kind of girl I wasn’t sure had
any real interest in romance, or relationships. I wondered, in all honesty, if she had ever had a relationship
before. I wondered, if she’d ever been
held in such a way by someone that it’s made her feel so safe, to know how it
feels to walk hand in hand with someone, even casually, that little tiny part
of physical contact can make you feel so special.
I turned on the radio, and drove, it
seemed like an endless journey. The
music of Aerosmith, Limp Bizkit and Vertical Horizons as my only company. I used my cellular phone to make various
calls, I found the name of the bus station nearest to Mary’s college, and found
out the times the buses left, I stopped at a gas station, filled up, bought
some food, and then continued on my way, munching on potato chips, slurping on
soda, and driving hastily, hoping to reach that bus station before Mary
did.
I felt just like Ryan Phillippe in that smutty movie, ‘Cruel
Intentions’ when he goes after Reese Witherspoon after realising that he’s
in love with her. Only difference was I
wasn’t a good-looking pretty boy with a bad reputation, driving a classic 1956
Roadster – and Mary wasn’t an innocent seventeen year old dressed in cute
little pastel-coloured outfits with blonde hair in pigtails.
I found myself curiously thinking, just to pass the time I
guess, that maybe someday someone would make a movie of this. Hanson staring in movie consisting of
‘Pretty Woman’, ‘My Fair Lady’ and ‘Cruel Intentions’ plots.
What would it be called, I pondered, I continued driving, trying
to ignore hitchers on the side of the road as I did.
“Pretty Cruel Lady,” I said to myself and laughed heartily. No, funny though, but it didn’t quite match
the storyline.
I winced as an S-Club 7 hit came on the radio and I shoved in a
CD awkwardly whilst trying to keep an eye on the road, I had thought it had
been another CD, but I had mistaken it for a Sarah McLachlan CD that had been
one of my favourites when I had been going through a phase of listening to
‘music to slit your wrists by’, and I had put the CD play on random order, and
I listened, sitting there driving, when I realised I’d put the wrong CD in, I
didn’t mind anyway.
All the fear has left me now
I’m not frightened anymore
It’s my heart that pounds beneath my flesh
It’s my mouth that pushes out this breath
And if I shed a tear I won’t cage it
I won’t fear love
And if I feel a rage I won’t deny it
I won’t fear love
The song was called ‘Fumbling Towards Ecstasy’, and when I
thought about it, that would be a perfect title for the story of me and Mary,
if some director ever decided to make a movie about it. I smirked, shook my head and drove.
It was hours before I reached the bus depo. I got out the car and wandered around,
checked the times at the ticket booth just to be sure, and walked around some
more, glad to stretch my legs. The sun
was setting, the sky a pale orange the clouds reflecting pink. It was beautiful. And I waited, until the sun had almost set, and a bus pulled into
the depo. And I watched, as its
passengers got off with their luggage.
And last, Mary.
She stepped off the bus with one huge suitcase, it seemed a lot
heavier than she could manage, she stumbled and almost tripped off, and looked
around absently. I watched her, her
hair caught the light from the last of the sunlight, and stirred in the gentle
breeze. I began to make my way over and
she looked at me. I could see she was
startled.
“You didn’t even say goodbye,” I said when I reached her.
“Sorry,” she blushed, and looked down.
“I didn’t picture you as the love them and leave them type,” I
admitted, I took her suitcase from her, “I’ll drive you the rest of the way, if
you’d like…”
She looked up at me, her hazel eyes deep into mine, penetrating
right into my soul. I felt my heart
thud. “Are you really here because I
didn’t say goodbye, or are you here because you want me to pretend like last
night ever happened?” she questioned, her voice strained.
I took a hold of her hand, and began to lead the way to the car,
her fingers did not curl around mines and I could tell she was perhaps a little
tense. We reached my car and I threw
her suitcase into the back seat and then opened her car door for her, she
climbed in slowly, and sat.
I got in and started the car.
“You didn’t answer me, Isaac,” she looked at me worriedly.
“I’m here because you didn’t say goodbye…” I felt myself going
tense, “and that’s not the best way to part company. I mean, you didn’t even tell me if I would ever see you again, if
you would ever be back to visit or not…”
“Why do you care…” she wondered.
“You’re my friend right?” I shrugged.
There
was a silence and I continued to drive, and twenty minutes later, we found
ourselves in a traffic jam.
The CD was still playing, but now ‘Hold On’ was playing, and I
sat there silent, trying to think of say.
“Last night…” I murmured, “Was…last night…just…you know…a one
night stand.”
“Is that why you came here?” Mary asked in a soft tone, “You
want more?”
“Yeah…I do want more…but I’m not talking about sex, Mary.”
“Then what are you talking about.”
“I want to know if you felt anything last night.”
“I felt good…”
“Not that, Mary, I mean…y’know…feelings…emotions…”
“Oh…” was her only reply.
I tried again, “Mary…I’m asking you if you felt anything for
me…I’ve been racking my brains out for an explanation to last night for the
last eight hours…I need an answer.”
She looked at me, “and what if I give the wrong one?”
I was unprepared for her question, but I paused, then replied
with, “Then we say goodbye…and I don’t ever bother you with this again.”
I watched the traffic, my car hadn’t moved in five minutes.
I felt Mary’s hand reach over and put her hand my right hand
which was stationed on the gearstick. I
turned and looked at her, right at her eyes, hoping to find the answer I was
longing for.
“You know it wouldn’t work out,” she strained, she seemed to be
saying it as if it were forced, as if she were forced at gunpoint to say these
words.
“Why not,” I turned away, keeping an eye on the traffic, my
voice dry, emotionless.
“Because you’re never around, and I’m going to be at college…and
it’s an eight hour drive away from you when you are home…” she sighed.
I turned and looked at her, “Mary…” I murmured, trying to sound
as inviting as possible, “ignore the fact that you think it won’t work, ignore
the fact that you think I’m never around.
Ignore everything but me…now tell me…do you have feelings for me at
all.”
She looked at me, deep in thought, her eyes examining my face,
earnest. “I…think I like you,” she
shrugged and looked down, almost shyly.
“Then who’s to say we can’t…y’know, just…try…take it slow…long
distance relationships can work you know…”
She looked at me. I
could see she wanted it. She did want a
boyfriend, she wanted red roses, and candle light dinners, and walks hand in
hand in the park. I wanted to be the
one to give her all that, give her those things I knew she’d never had.
The traffic began to move again, and I drove steadily, by car,
the college was not that far away.
“Have you been driving all day?” Mary asked softly.
“Yeah…and I’m probably just gonna have to drop you off and then
start heading back…” I yawned.
We got to the destination at long last, and I parked near her
dorm building, she’d already been here the previous weekend to be assigned her
dorm room and take the first half of her belongings there. This weekend was the final transition.
She paused in her seat before taking off her seatbelt. “This…is probably against the rules, but I
don’t want you driving all night so …you should probably stay with me tonight…”
she looked at me.
“Alright,” I quickly agreed, I decided
maybe that getting her alone, and maybe just speaking to her would change her
mind. I got out of the car and opened
her door for her, then retrieved her suitcase, locked the car and we went to
her dorm room. There was not much to
the dorm room, apart from two beds, a dresser and a closet.
“I don’t have a roommate so we’re not going to be disturbed,”
she walked over to the window and closed the plain brown drapes.
“Disturbed, disturbed doing what?” I asked in confusion.
“Disturbed from…y’know, what you came for…”
“I think you’ve misunderstood.
I came here to ask you to be my girlfriend, not to ask you for sex.”
“You don’t want sex?” she seemed surprised.
“No…” I decided that basically she had decided that I was here
plying her with all these lies to get what I wanted. But there were no lies.
She looked at me, “then what?”
“Don’t you get it, Mary?
I think I’m I love with you…”
She seemed even more surprised than before. “Isaac, you can’t be serious…”
“I am,” I stood silently.
She seemed to not know whether to smile or not. I could see in her eyes she was secretly
flattered, and at the same time, unsure.
“Mary…I don’t care what you’ve done in the past, how hard it’s
going to be to be with you, what it takes, I don’t care, I’ll do it…I just want
to give this a chance. I think…I’ve
felt this way all along, I just…I guess I was scared of it or scared that you’d
reject me…”
“Or scared that someone would find out you’re dating an
ex-hooker,” she muttered.
“No one knows about that, Mary, not even Tay and Zac. Who would know?” I looked at her, “I don’t
care anymore anyway…I’m sick of fearing love.
Sick of fearing falling in love because I’m scared it brings trouble. I want love, I want to give it, I want to
get it, I just…I want you…” I trailed off.
She looked at me, “want the truth?” She asked in a whispery
voice.
“What is the truth?” I asked.
“That very first night I met you…there was something about you
that I liked…” she looked at me.
“But…y’know…I was…a whore and you…you’re like this good boy with the
amazing career and no time for girls and stuff…I…”
“That’s not true, Mary.
If I was a good boy, last night would have never happened,” I reminded.
She looked at me, “You were pretty good…”
“Well…thanks but lets not get off the subject. Mary, it’s been months and months, why
didn’t you say anything.”
“I just told you…I didn’t think you’d go for me…and then…last
night I figured when I left I wouldn’t see you again and that if I…y’know…gave
you something that at least I would have had something to remember about you…”
I laughed nervously, “A kiss might have been more appropriate…”
She looked at me, “I realise that…now.”
“Mary…if we both feel this way, what’s stopping us?”
“I don’t know…”
“Are you scared?”
“Maybe…”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because…” she shrugged, “I’ve…y’know…never had a boyfriend and
stuff,” she looked down.
“But that’s okay…you don’t need to be scared…” I murmured, I
walked over and put my hands on her shoulders, almost nervously not sure how
she’d respond to my touch. I kissed her
forehead. “Nothing to be scared
about. You trust me, right?”
She gave a nod.
I smiled, “good…then trust me.
Everything is going to be fine from now on,” and then I kissed her
softly, and I felt her wrap her arms around me. And I knew, from then on out, everything would be alright.
The End