Christ Almighty!
A short fanfiction presentation by Ashley-Anne Douglas. This story takes place after “Rose Red.” (Another part of the Taylor journal entries series.)
Dear Journal,
Have you ever had the
feeling that, deep down inside in your heart you’re convinced that life is out
to get you, that no matter where you turn something bad is going to happen, and
no matter where you escape to, you’ll always be cursed with this. Yeah, I guess that’s my curse, I realised I
was cursed the moment I saw that ghost not that long ago. But my curse was worse than that last
weekend. It’s only up until now that
I’ve been able to feel comfortable enough to write about it.
Three weeks ago, we had arranged for
my friend Alex Keating to come down from Tulsa to L.A. to spend a week with us,
just so we could hang out, since me and my brothers were away making the new
album and I had non-deliberately neglecting my friend.
Only months ago I had found out that
Alex was gay – and at first I had been bothered by it but I guess I grew to get
used to it, he was still my friend and I had to support him. I couldn’t be homophobic just because of the
things that people who weren’t into my band were saying about me being a
gay. I had to be strong…
I guess Alex’s being gay hadn’t
bothered me for a while – until the Saturday at the end of that week had come –
then the trouble really began.
Throughout the whole week, me and Alex – along with my brothers
had been having a blast. There was
surfing, there were days at the beach playing Volleyball, and sometimes, Alex
would go out on his own – and I saw nothing wrong with this.
Then the Saturday came, I had been
sitting watching a re-run of ‘That ‘70s Show’ with Isaac, and Zoë was sitting
on my lap. I was calm, relaxed, had not
a care in the world. Then Alex came
strutting in, wearing one of my T-shirts – which I didn’t mind – and he put his
hands on his hips in a somewhat rather camp manner. “Hey,” he said cheerfully.
“Hey,” I glanced up, “Where you
been?” I asked, I had not seen him all day.
“I was at the beach, hanging out,”
Alex sat beside me on the couch, and Zoë clambered onto his lap and smacked at
his cheek playfully and grinned devilishly, Alex winced as my little sister
grabbed a handful of his Ice Blonde recently bleached hair and giggled.
“Ow, Zo, stop that,” Alex pleaded,
he glanced at me, “You up for a party tonight?”
“Party? Oh come on, you know I can’t go out there without getting
recognised these days,” I snorted.
“So wear cap and try to look not so pretty,” Alex shrugged.
I cringed, I hated it when Alex
referred to me as ‘pretty’. It had only
been since he’d confessed his being gay that he’d been using this word to refer
to me. It creeped me out, I didn’t know
what that guy had in his head sometimes, and I wasn’t bothered being his
friend, but I didn’t want to be anything more than that.
“Tay, please?” Alex asked, “I don’t
want to go alone…” he looked at me desperately, and I felt myself giving in, I
began to weigh out the possibilities, maybe he didn’t want to be alone in case
anyone found out that he preferred members of the same sex. And he was my friend…I had to protect him,
right?
“Well…” I trailed off.
Alex looked at me hopefully.
“Okay, but if I get mobbed I’ll be
really pissed at you,” I smirked a little, it was hard to stay mad at Alex and
he knew that.
“Okay,” he nodded.
And time passed. Later on I found myself in the bedroom of
our rented house in L.A. pulling on a black baseball cap with a ‘Timberland’
motif sewn on the front, I glanced in the mirror hoping it would shade my eyes
and feature from recognition. I hoped
to god no girl at this party would notice me.
And Alex sauntered in, unannounced.
“You ready yet?”
“Nearly,” I said, I sat down on my
bed and put my shoes on, I glanced up at my friend, looking at him in
detail. Alex had changed so much since
coming out of the closet. His dark hair
was now this horrid bright whitish blonde, and usually in a huge messy
assortment of spikes, his green eyes seemed all the more brighter in contrast
to his hair, his skin was deep bronze, he’d been tanning frequently since
coming to Los Angeles.
I finished putting on my shoes and
we left, we drove to the party, there was the usual chit-chat and banter
between us. I parked my car – or rather
my brothers car – and we both got out and approached the house, the door was
open and we slipped inside. The party
seemed rather normal at a first glance, and I wasn’t thinking straight anyway,
I had not expected anything at all to come from this evening.
Alex was greeted by a guy with red
hair and a huge assortment of freckles on his peachy face. He slapped the boy on the shoulders, and
smiled, “Alex, great to see ya,” he said enthusiastically.
I was absently looking around as my
friend spoke with the redheaded guy – as I looked around, I noticed that a lot
of the people there were guys.
No…not most, I thought.
All!!
I looked around panicked, I realised
that everyone at that party was a guy – and that I had come in with a
homosexual. I put a hand to my head,
trying to think straight. I half joked
with myself, trying to make myself feel better, telling that my ‘thinking
straight’ would be the only straight thing in the room apart from me.
Oh Christ Almighty, I thought. Alex, oh god, please…do not tell me you have
brought me to a Gay party…This cannot be true…
I glanced at Alex and I shook my
head and he just looked at me curiously as if to ask what was wrong.
“Alex…can I talk to you please?” I
quietly mumbled.
“What is it, dude?” Alex glanced at
me.
I grabbed his arm and yanked him off
to a quite corner, and I pushed him into it, “Please…just tell me right now
that you did NOT bring me to a gay party…” I held my breath, trying to get all
my words out in a whisper.
Alex looked at me, “Uhh…”
I put my hands to my head,
“Christ this is not happening,” I mumbled, “Alex, I gotta get out of here…”
“Please, Tay, just stay for me…”
“Alex, you know who I am! Me being here could spread a lot of nasty
rumours which AREN’T true!” I whined, I guess I did sound rather frantic, but I
was upset, I couldn’t help it.
“Chill, Taylor…”
“Chill?! You brought me to a GAY party and I’m STRAIGHT!” I had visions of
guys trying to hit on me.
“Tay, please, there’s this guy here
I’m really into and this is my last night here…c’mon, surely you understand.”
“Not relating to this kinda stuff,
no,” I looked down at the floor sullenly, I was furious, I wish he had told me
before coming so I could have backed out, but the more he tried to lure me into
staying the more I fell for it.
“C’mon, Tay…you said you’d support
me…” he looked at me, seemingly a little upset.
“Fine, fine, I’ll stay but I’m not
happy about it,” I said, and I walked off, leaving him to his own devices. I couldn’t believe he had used the guilt
trick into making me stay. I sighed and
wandered around, trying not to look when I saw guys touching hands or kissing
cheeks or smiling at each other. I
wouldn’t have minded perhaps being in a room full of hot lesbians, but no…not
in a room full of gays. No fun for a
straight guy.
I wandered around the house, bored,
I got offered a drink and I accepted a soda because after all, I was driving
and it was my brothers car which if I even scratched he’d probably kick my
ass.
I sat on the couch, watching the
room, sipping on a Coke.
A young guy, about my age or maybe
younger, wandered over, long dark hair and dark eyes, “Hey,” he said, his voice
rather gruff and manly for the look of him, I expected a more high pitched soft
well spoken tone. “You seem pretty
lonely all here by yourself…”
I tried to act natural, “well my
friend went off to find some guy he was into or something,” I shrugged.
I think by the way I said friend the
guy assumed I meant boyfriend, he sat down by me, “I’m Paul,” he smiled
winningly, he slung his arm over the back of the couch, behind my head and I
felt a little apprehensive. Was he
coming onto me? I couldn’t really
tell. I’d never been really approached
by a guy in that way.
“I’m…uhm…Joe,” I lied. Joe was the first thing that I could come up
with, I had thought about saying Taylor, then I thought ‘bad idea’ and opted to
Jordan, but then thought that was still too obvious, so I switched quickly to
‘Joe’.
“Well, Joe…you seem ever so out of
place,” he brushed his hand against my hair, fingers ran across the tip of my
ear and all the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end, not a very nice
feeling.
“I am,” I stated calmly, “excuse
me,” I got up quickly, I headed upstairs hoping to find a bathroom or somewhere
to hide until this god awful party was over.
I located a door with no marking, and I opened it slowly and peered in,
the moans hit the air like sirens, and I couldn’t believe my eyes as I found
two guys ‘at it’ on the bathroom floor.
“Christ Almighty!” I gasped, I
realised one of those guys was Alex.
“Oh fuck!!” I cried, at that point, that was it, the straw that broke
the camels back. I rushed down the
stairs and straight out the front door.
Luckily the house was near the beach, and I just headed straight
for there and found myself somewhere to sit, shaking my head.
God I could not believe it, I could not believe it. Within the space of two hours I had watched
several guys making out with each other, had a guy come onto me, and walked in
on my best friend having sex with some other guy. This was the nightmare of all nightmares. I prayed for this night to end. I wanted to go home, but I didn’t want to
abandon Alex, I knew he probably wouldn’t find his way back from there by foot,
especially in the dark. But although I
had semi-abandoned Alex by not staying in the house at the party, I didn’t
leave the beach, I gathered he would know I was outside somewhere, and
eventually would come looking for me.
Jesus, Taylor…there’s some
things you just shouldn’t have to see, and that was one of them…
I cringed at the thought of it. I should have knocked before I had walked
in. I shouldn’t have gone at all, Alex
should have been straight with me…
“Yo.”
It was almost one in the morning,
when I heard Alex’s voice break the calming sound of the ocean breaking against
some rocks, I turned and glanced quickly over my shoulder at him, then looked
back to the sand. “Hey,” I said
quietly.
“You’re mad.”
“Yes,” I shrugged.
“Why?”
I couldn’t believe he had the nerve
to ask me that. Surely he knew what I’d
gone through. I wasn’t prejudice about
the life he’d chosen for himself, but did he have to include me in it this
way? I wish he had just gone to the
party alone instead of taking me alone, knowing I was straight.
“Alex…isn’t it obvious?”
“Oh yeah, I forgot, you don’t like
being the ‘different’ want.”
“Alex…I’m not gay, and you know
that…and I haven’t a problem with being different, I just didn’t feel
comfortable there.”
“You still can’t accept all this…”
“What are you talking about?!” I
stood up, I spun round and looked at him, throwing my hands in the air in
frustration. “I think I’ve accepted
this whole thing pretty well!!”
“What did you accept, the fact that
I was gay?”
“Yes.”
“Then why the fuck do you keep
inviting me to places and introducing all these chicks to me like you wanna set
me up with them!?” he demanded.
I looked at him. I knew deep inside he was right, “Is there
anything wrong with trying to help you make friends?” I shrugged, trying to
wriggle my way out of it.
“Taylor…accept it…I don’t like
girls…” he folded his arms, “I’m not a broken toy, Taylor, you just can’t ‘fix’
me. You can’t set me up with some girl
and expect me to suddenly become straight…”
I looked down at the sand, “I didn’t
try to,” I lied.
“Yes you did…I don’t know,
unconsciously, or consciously, you did, Taylor. If you can’t accept me for what I am right now then we shouldn’t
be friends, Taylor. I’m being straight
with you, so why can’t you be straight with me?” he looked at me.
I looked at him, “Alex…I…” I trailed
off, not sure how to respond to it.
“I’m trying really had to adjust to this, it hasn’t been that long. I’ve known you for like, forever and all of
a sudden I find out you turned gay…” I felt helpless.
“Taylor…I didn’t turn gay, I always
was…”
I looked at him, “it’s…it’s just a
lot to take in.”
“Tay…”
I sucked in a breath, “You used to
be…different, Alex…it was like the moment you admitted it, you started acting…I
don’t know…weird…like…almost kind of girlish…” I swallowed, “camp…”
“So?”
“So?” I asked incredulously. “You never used to act that way…”
“Because I didn’t want you to know,
okay?! Tay, you’ve been my best friend
as long as I can remember, you don’t know how hard I tried to just…make that
friendship work…” he sat on the sand, head in his hands, I hoped to god he
wasn’t going to burst out crying.
“Like…”
“The soccer, the basket ball,
the baseball…Jesus, Taylor, I tried so hard to like the things you like, just
so you’d think I was normal…”
I drew my breath, looking at
him. “Y’know…Alex…I don’t even know
you…” I hugged myself against a cold breeze that was blowing in from the
ocean.
“Then learn to know me, Tay.”
I looked at him, Christ almighty, what was I getting into. I stood silent.
Suddenly, Alex began laughing.
“What…” I asked in confusion.
He laughed, “You should have seen your face when you realised
you were at a party full of guys,” Alex chuckled, “You looked like you were
frightened for your life.”
I went red in the face, “Yeah well…”
“And the way you stood with your ass against the wall…” Alex
pursed his lips together, then burst out laughing loud and hard as hell.
“Not funny.” I pouted.
Alex stood up, “Taylor…”
I shoved him, playfully, “You’re a jerk,” I tried not to smile
though, the laughter helped ease the moment, I found myself laughing a bit. “A gay jerk.”
“Proud of it, Tay.”
I shoved my hands in my pockets, looking at him.
“It’ll take time but you’ll feel better about it, Tay.”
“I hope so,” I sighed, I looked at him, “’Cause you’re my best
friend.”
Alex slapped me on the shoulder, “c’mon, stickman. Lets go.”
We began to walk, as I walked, I reflected. The whole nights ordeal had opened my eyes a
lot, and somewhat helped me accept it more.
It would be hard to live with but things would be fine. And if not, we could work at it.
The End.