A Short Fanfiction by Ashley-Anne Douglas

 

BUDDY

 

Note:  This story continues on from “Uphill Battle” which is part of a trilogy of short stories in the form of Taylor journal entries. 

 

Dear Journal,

 

           

 

This last week has been the most hellish in my life.  And I thought touring had been bad, I had thought that my brother trying to kill himself had been bad, but nothing could have prepared me for this…

I’ve been friends’ with Alex my whole life more or less, our mothers went to school together, our fathers used to work together, it was inevitable that we would be best friends.  Throughout most of the seventeen years of my life I fondly looked back and remember how my friend, my buddy Alex Keating had been there supporting me, always forced me to look on the bright side, been an inspiration to me.

            There were times when I’d been feeling at my lowest, I felt like shit, girls following me everywhere, getting crazy phone calls from strangers, being forced to tour constantly, times when I felt less than human.  When I got home to Tulsa, I could always count on Alex being there to make me feel like I was a regular guy.

I don’t remember how I met Alex, I don’t remember all the times we used to fight over Lego in each others houses, or how we fought in the sand box in his back lawn.   I don’t even remember the food fight me and him had at my fourth birthday party – though mom would testify that it happened and I guess I believe her though Isaac doesn’t seem to have any recollection of it either.

I guess you can say that Alex was the one thing in my life that gave me some semblance of mundane normality.  I felt like an average guy – not some piece of meat on MTV that girls could drool over.  I was the luckiest guy in the world, I had a friend.  His name was Alex Keating. 

 

 

            It was just last week, and that’s when everything really happened.  I shudder to think upon it really because I’m not sure what the outcome could have been if things had maybe different, and I’m not sure things could have had the current outcome if I had acted differently.  I don’t know. 

            It was about a week and a half before Christmas, and Christmas is such a vulnerable time for everyone, but at that point in time, I was on an absolute high, I was home for Christmas, my creativity levels seemed to have increased around that time because I was well rested.  Everyone was in a good mood.  I felt absolutely deliriously happy.

            I don’t think I had ever had any suspicions before about Alex, we’d been friends all our lives, it hadn’t even crossed my mind once that he might be gay.  I mean you know someone your whole life, it never even crosses your mind.  There were never any signs, you know?  Never any hints about it, he’d never even mentioned it, I’d even heard him make gay jokes before.  I don’t get it.

            I guess it goes back to when we went swimming, Alex’s family are well-to-do and they have an indoor pool.  Me and Alex had been swimming on that particularly chilly December day, and as per usual when a guy goes swimming, all he needs is his trunks right.

            Anyway, after a few races, 13 lengths non-stop, we were both tired out.  I sat on the edge of the pool, “Man, I’m beat,” I groaned, my arms ached from the strain of pulling my own weight across the water, my legs ached from the strain of pushing my weight. 

            Alex floated around in the water at the edge of the deep end of the pool, his dark hair clinging to his head, his green eyes stared back at mines, I don’t know, something was eerie about it, it felt definitely odd.  Being a guy, you know how a guy checks a girl out – this was exactly that same look he was giving me, he searched my eyes, my face, my mouth, his eyes were taking me in.  He’d never looked at me like that before.  I felt uncomfortable, I rubbed my aching arms nervously. 

            “You’re too thin, you know that,” Alex finally said, as if he knew I had caught the weight of his stare and decided to put up an excuse to his looking.

            “I have a high metabolism,” I shrugged, I looked at my waterproof watch, “Shit, it’s nearly five,” I muttered, I stood up and grabbed my towel.  “I meant to be watching the kids tonight.”

            “I thought Isaac was babysitting…?”

            “That was before he decided to switch with me, because he managed to get a date at the last minute,” I explained, it was the truth, although I can see why it sounded like an excuse.  Even then, I didn’t really think that my friend could be gay.  It didn’t hit me until days later.

            Days later, has time transgressed, I had almost forgotten about the pool incident.  Four days until Christmas it was and I had last minute Christmas shopping that needed doing.  I still hadn’t found the perfect present for Zac yet.  Since Zac’s suicide attempt in October, I had been finding it hard to even communicate with him let alone find a present he would actually like.  Feeling that I wasn’t a very good shopper I decided to ask Alex to come along for his help and opinions.

            We sauntered from shop to shop in the mall, me trying to ever so much to not look like me.  It worked.  But after hours of searching, time slipping away, my despair set in, “fuck, I just don’t know what to get him.  He’s so hard to buy for,” I groaned, I sat on a bench in the mall, Alex sat at my side.  “I’m never gonna find anything for him.”

            “Make him something.”

            “I already burned him this CD for him, it has all his favourite songs on it.  But I mean I need something else…something special…” I leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees.

            “How is Zac these days?”

            I gave a shrug, keeping my mouth shut.

            “I mean, is he doing okay or still pretty down?”

            “He has good days and bad days, and most of the time he just pretends that everything is alright and acts like he used to.  I don’t know, though, you can see it in his eyes.  And he won’t talk about it…” I sighed.

            “He’ll get better, it takes time,” Alex’s hand touched my back, and his touch was almost soothing for a second, but something about his touch just completely creeped me out.  Me and Alex weren’t touchy feely guys – at least not with each other.  Occasionally it’s okay to slap your buddy on the back or touch his shoulder, or hug in a manly way I guess.  But this wasn’t like that.  It was a very intimate touch, and I got a weird crawly sensation all over.  The same crawly sensation I got when I was on stage performing and some guy in a dress jumped up at my side and kissed my cheek.  I shrugged away, “Y’know, it’s getting late, I wanna scour the mall one last time before heading home.”

            Excuses, excuses, huh?  When I got home, I went straight up to our room, Isaac was sitting reading quietly on his bed, Zac sitting at my laptop computer mouthing off some internet stalker.  “Hey guys,” I said.

            “Hey,” Isaac didn’t look up.

            “Can I ask a question?” I asked of them both.

            “Shoot,” Isaac again, did not look up from his book.

            “Have you ever seen Alex with a girl?”

            “Alex?  Your best friend Alex or our cousin Alex or Alex across the street…” Isaac goofed.

            “Alex my best friend,” I rolled my eyes.

            “Tay, your best friend is gay.” Zac didn’t look away from the computer.

            “Oh come on,” Suddenly hearing it put like that I didn’t want to believe it.

            “Seriously, man, c’mon, you had to ask yourself if you’ve ever seen him with a girl.  He spends all his time with guys.”

            “Zac, shut up!” I hissed

            Zac fell silent, god, for a depressed child, he’s a little prick sometimes

            Isaac spoke up at last, “why don’t you just ask him.”

            “Oh come on,” I rolled my eyes, “if he was he would have told me by now.”

            “Oh, come on, Taylor, ever since people have been saying you look like a girl you’ve been homophobic, he’s probably scared to say so.”

            “Homophobic,” Zac snorted.

            “You’ve been worse,” Isaac shot at Zac, I don’t think he really meant to, with Zac it’s walking on broken glass.  You gotta be careful, or more will just break under your feet.

            Zac got up and stalked out of the room, I sighed and shook my head, “We’re gonna have to be more careful with him, you know.”

            “Yes, I know, I am aware of that,” Isaac muttered, he put down his book and looked at me, “it’d help if you were around more instead of leaving me to do all the brotherly bonding shit.”

            “I am around,” I frowned.

            “Yeah, whenever Alex is too busy to hang with you,” Isaac lifted his book again and went back to reading as if our conversation had never happened.

            Furious with my Isaac’s comments about my only hanging around at home when there was nothing better to do, I stormed out of the room.

 

            A day later, when Alex called, I found myself wanting to avoid the phone call.  When the phone rang I found myself knowing already who was on the other end.  The phone rang consistently and I pretended like I couldn’t hear it from where I was.

            A few moments later, my mother called me, “Taylor!!”

            “What?” I asked, praying, just praying it wasn’t Alex on the line.

            “Alex is on the phone.”

            I sighed, my mom had obviously already told him I was home, there was no escape, I sauntered into the living room and I picked up the phone, “Hi, Alex.”

            “Hey, Tay, what’s up?”

            “Nothing,” I kept my voice very neutral.

            “My mom isn’t home and I can’t cook so I was wonderin’ if you wanted to go out and grab a pizza with me,” Alex explained.

            “Geez, y’know, it sounds tempting, but, y’know, dinner is already almost ready here…”

            My mother just HAD to be listening in from where she was, and she just HAD to say loudly, “Taylor, why don’t you invite Alex for dinner…

            I gave my mom this look, and I knew Alex had heard on the line.

            “My…mother says you can come over for dinner,” I managed through clenched teeth.

            “Okay, sure, tell her I’d love to.  I’ll be over in about five minutes.”

            “Okay,” I agreed, “see ya,” I said, then I hung up.

            I sat quietly in the chair, maybe Isaac was right, maybe I was slightly homophobic.

 

            At dinner, I was quiet, but everyone spoke to Alex just like he was part of the family, I spent the whole meal picking at my food, avoiding eye contact with Alex, avoiding conversation.  I felt guilty about it but it was coming naturally.  I was uncomfortable.

After dinner, everyone went off to do their own thing, and I was too polite to ask Alex to just leave immediately afterwards.  We headed upstairs to play with Zac on the Playstation – for some reason I didn’t want to be alone with Alex.  We played a few games of ‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire’ on the Playstation, and then Zac got called downstairs by mom.

            I felt all the little hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

            No!!  Don’t leave me alone with him!!!  I thought desperately.

            Alex put down his control pad, and looked at me, “Y’know…Tay.  I don’t know why…but I’m getting this funny vibe that you’re kind of tense.”

            “Oh, I’m okay,” I lied, “Just haven’t been sleeping lately.”

            “That sucks,” Alex touched my shoulder, and I felt my whole body go rigid with nervousness.  I couldn’t stand the thought of him touching me, even there, not if he was gay.  I couldn’t stand the thought of that.  He rubbed my shoulder and the more he rubbed the more tense my muscles got.  “Tay are you sure you’re alright?”

            “Yes, I’m fine,” I shrugged out of his reach, putting down the control pad to the Playstation.

            Alex looked at me, chewed his lip for a moment, “Is this about me?”

            “No…”

            “Oh, bullshit,” Alex rolled his eyes.  “Let me guess, someone is spreading rumours about me?”

            “No.”

            “Liar.”

            “Okay, I did hear some stuff…”

            “Like?”

            “That…you might be gay.”

            “So?”

            “Are you?”

            “What if I am?” He asked, his eyes hit mines, and I was taken aback.

            “Then I don’t know.”

            Alex stood up, sighing, looked at me, almost disgustedly, “Y’know, for someone who’s supposed to be so open minded and kind, you’re pretty judgemental.”    

            “I never said I was!” I stood up too.

            “You don’t need to say it, god I can see you get uptight every time I’m within three feet of you!  God, just because I’m not into girls doesn’t mean I’m trying to get into your pants.  God you’re meant to be my best friend!”

            “Yeah well, if you wouldn’t touch me like that then maybe I wouldn’t get like that, god!!” I felt pretty stupid, I looked away, my face redder than beetroot.

            “Call me when you’re ready to stop acting like a paranoid homophobic,” He muttered, then left, slamming my bedroom door.

 

            For days on end, I found myself deep in thought, deep in loneliness.  First, I thought that maybe Alex was the one in the wrong, wasn’t he the one who didn’t tell me about this in the first place?  Maybe this was his own fault for keeping secrets from me – his best friend.

            God, I was some best friend when I thought about it.  He was right though, I was acting like a homophobic prick.  Alright, maybe I was a little…uncomfortable at the way Alex had been acting, but he was still my friend, nothing was supposed to change that.

            I was the one who was in the wrong, not him.  He had only kept it a secret – I realised – was because of the fact that like I had – I would overreact and be uncomfortable. 

            On Christmas eve, I headed over to Alex’s house, I walked there, despite the cold and the snow, despite the fact that any fans could have seen me and attacked me or tried to tear my clothes off – I walked to Alex’s house aloe.  Intent on my apologies.          

            I knocked at the door, standing on the porch, freezing my balls off. Alex’s mother, an attractive half-Spanish woman, opened the door to me, she gave a smile, “Taylor, hi, its been a while since you’ve visited…”

            “I know, I’m sorry,” I explained, “I’ve been real busy with Christmas…” I explained

            “Hasn’t everyone?” She gave a smirk.  “Alex is upstairs.”

            I walked into the house and started slowly up the stairs, wondered what I was going to say to Alex.  Suddenly I felt like I didn’t even know him anymore.  Knowing a friends sexuality is completely different can alter your perception of them.  All I could think of was what if he’d only pretended to like guy stuff so that I wouldn’t suspect anything – or so that I would hang out with him.  What if he only played soccer with me just to keep me happy or so that I would be his best friend.  A thousand things ran through my head at that moment, I realised how difficult it must be for him.  How much of a lie he had been living.  I’d lived lies of my own, not this big, but I had lived lies, and I understood what it was like.

            I knocked on his bedroom door, and drew my breath, “Alex?”
            “What?” his reply sounded somewhat haughty.

            “It’s me…Tay…”

            The door swung open and he looked at me.

            I sighed, “look, Alex…the way I acted was—“

            “The way anyone else would react, right?”

            “I guess,” I shrugged, “I’m not sure.  I guess I’ve been feeling apprehensive towards gay people ever since that transsexual jumped on stage and kissed my cheek back when I was on tour…” I shrugged.  “Besides which, you don’t know the crap I’ve had to put up with concerning gays…”

            “God, do you think just because I don’t go on tour with you I don’t know what people think you are?” He asked, his eyes piercing mines, “I know there are people out there who think you’re gay.  I know there are people out there who think you and your brothers are into incest, I know there are people out there who think you’re some sort of she-male, and god knows, I know you’ve been jumped by gay guys, I know you’ve had all sorts of comments and stuff thrown at you about it…” He explained. 

            I looked away, feeling my cheeks turn crimson as they always did.

            “And I know that somehow it hurts you even though you know those things aren’t true, even though you try to hide it, I know it gets to you.”

            “Yeah,” I sighed

            “Can you imagine how it feels to me for people to say those things about me – especially when they’re true.”

            I realised this was true.

            I looked at him, “Look, I overreacted, but I’m over it, I’ve just been having a rough time lately, and—“

            “I should have told you…”

            I looked at him, “I agree, if you had told me when you first knew, it would have been easier to deal with  God I had you set in this…role, I thought I knew exactly who you were.  Now I just totally don’t know…”

            “Look, I’m still the same old guy, just because I’m not into chicks doesn’t mean I’m not the same Alex.  Doesn’t mean I’m not your buddy anymore.”

            This, was also true.

            I looked at him, “Okay…”

            “So…we okay now?  We’re friends right?”

            “Yeah,” I nodded.

            “Tay, I’m gay.”
            He had only said it because he hadn’t told me truthfully in the beginning, as if, this admittance now, was going to make up for that.  I looked at him, and I drew my breath, “I know.  And it doesn’t matter.”

Some things are better left unknown, perhaps some things are better left unsaid.

I shouldn’t have acted the way I had, perhaps I should have pretended like I didn’t care.  Why should this matter?  Her was my friend because we liked to hang out, we liked to laugh together, he wasn’t my friend because of his sexual preference.  Being friends was about being there for each other, about confiding in each other and holding together when the other needed you.  What I realised right then as I looked back was that Alex had always been there for me, he’d been supporting me all these years, and never once, could I remember ever having returned that, never having been there, having supported him, never having taken interest, never asking him if he was okay, for never having noticed that.  Things were going to have to change if we were going to remain friends, but I knew it would be for the best.

 

            I know you’re going to think this is one of my weirdest journal entries ever, but I write it as I see it.  So every thing is back to normal now – more or less. 

One thing has stayed the same.  And I know will never change. 

            I have a buddy.

His name is Alex Keating.

 

 

 

 

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