Blind Devotion

 

A short fanfiction presentation by Ashley-Anne Douglas

 

~Jaime~

 

            I heard him enter the room, a soft silence, then a light sniff, a tender exhale.  I could hear his breathing, even over the din of an Aerosmith song on the radio. I could feel his presence, and I could detect the very subtle scent of his cologne – smelt like Cool Waters.

            I’ve grown so used to knowing when he’s walked into the room, not being able to see, I’ve grown so used to all those other senses, hearing, sensing, feeling.  And believe me, even with  ten feet of space between us, I can feel him there.  It’s a nice feeling.  It’s comforting.

I smiled, “Hi, Ike.”

“Hey, kiddo, seen any good movies lately?” Isaac Hanson joked, and he knew that this joke wasn’t going to hurt my feelings.  He wasn’t insensitive, even unknowingly.  He knew what he was saying, and he knew it didn’t bother me.  Believe me, my being blind is not a handicap. 

“Heard any good music lately?” I joked, I heard him pause, wondering what the punchline was going to be, “Oh wait, I forgot, it must be difficult to hear with your head up your ass,” I smirked to myself.

Isaac’s soft laugh carried through the room like sweet music, ringing like a merry trill that brought the room to life.  “How are things?”

“Fine ‘til you barged in without knocking – again,” I giggled, I let my hand slide along the front of my desk, and to the right side, up and let my fingers find the volume control on my stereo, I turned it down a little.

“Seriously?” he asked, I heard the fake disappointment in his tone, and I smiled.

“No, things are cool now that you’re here,” I smiled, “How are you?”

“Tired, we just got back from L.A.”

“Again…why do you keep coming back and fourth?  What’s this?  Like the sixth time in the last month?”

“Yeah, well, we’re back and fourth because mom and the kids are staying home in Tulsa this time, me, dad, and Tay and Zac are gonna be going to L.A. for the recording of the album, Dad wanted to come back for a week or so and see how the family was doing.”

“I spoke to your mom yesterday, she stopped by with a cake she baked for my mom’s birthday,” I smiled.

I heard the bed creak, a sure sign Isaac had rested his behind there, I sat in silence for a few moments, not sure what to say next.

It was strange for me and Isaac to not know what to say to each other, we’d been friends since birth practically, although sometimes my being blind had prohibited us from doing certain things in the terms of recreation, we had always been able to talk for hours on end about everything.

“How are you brothers?” I asked, finally finding something to talk about.

“Oh, they’re fine,” Isaac assured.  “Zac’s grown another inch, and Taylor’s had his haircut again.”

“How does it look?”

“Like shit,” Isaac laughed.

“I wouldn’t know,” I laughed to myself, and I ran my fingers through my own hair, “what does mines look like?”

“Like shit,” he joked.

“Thanks a dozen,” I pouted, hoping that it was a pout, and that it wasn’t some strange expression that was going to make Isaac think I’d lost my mind.

“Well anyway, I gotta get going -  I promised mom I’d be home in time for dinner.  I only stopped by to give you this…” I felt him reach over, something cold and plastic touched my hand.

“What is it?” I asked in confusion.

“It’s your Diana Ross CD,” he explained, matter-of-factly.

“Did you change the case…” I felt over it, because I’m blind, I usually made a point to burn or scratch a CD case in a certain way so I knew which one it was.  The one I had loaned Isaac had been covered in little dots on the left hand corner, almost like a Braille symbol just so I knew what it was. 

“Uhm…yeah, sorry, I broke it…” Isaac explained, “So I changed it over to a CD case from one of my old ones I don’t listen to,” he added.

“It’s okay,” I smiled, no worries, I could always fix the CD case later.

I heard his body shift, he was standing, I could feel his presence in front of me.  “I’ll call you later, okay?”

“Okay,” I smiled, I gave a firm nod, understanding.

He patted my shoulder lightly, and then he left, the room was almost silent, save Aerosmith’s music and Steven Tyler’s voice crooning out the words to ‘I Don’t Want To Miss a Thing.”

I sighed and went to something to engrave my CD case with.

 

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Isaac~

 

            When I got into my car after leaving Jaime’s house, I didn’t immediately turn on the radio like usual, and I didn’t immediately start humming along, and then go on my way.

            I sat there, silent, hands on the wheel, no idea why I hadn’t moved in the last five minutes.  I thought about going back up there, was dinner more important than catching up with Jaime?

            I shook off the feeling, and started the car, backed out of the driveway and headed home, about two minutes later I turned on the radio.

            I was glad to know that Jaime was doing fine, she’d been my best friend since I was practically born, and although there had been some periods where I hadn’t been in Tulsa and our friendship had died a little, by the time we moved back to Tulsa for permanent we’d been inseparable.

            I sighed, why did I tell her that her hair looked like shit?  She had the most amazing hair I’d ever seen…it was deep, deep auburn, almost claret really, and it was in tight, tight curls, perfect, silky, satiny curls, not frizzy curls.  I wondered if she really knew how beautiful she was.  She had this pale, ivory complexion, and coffee coloured eyes, freckles on her nose, and a beauty mark on her chin.  I felt my heart sink once again.

            “Snap out of it, Ike,” I told myself sharply.  “You’re just guilty for not having as much time to hang out with her,” I explained to myself.

            At the time, I didn’t really know what I was saying, or why I was thinking that.  Jaime had been my best friend for my whole life, it was only natural to be thinking about her a lot, I had only just come from her house and I had a lot to think about.

            Jaime was the most wonderful person I’d ever known in my life, I wasn’t in love with her, but I’d always considered her a very extra special person in my life, because she was my friend, and that was how I saw her.  Special.  She’d been blind all her life, but she’d coped with it naturally, like a duck to water, so was Jaime and being blind.  When she graduated from a very exceptional school for the blind, she began taking several courses at the community college, they had a special program and she was studying child psychology, childcare, fitness and nutrition, and first aid.  And I don’t believe for a minute that her blindness has affected any of her goals.  She’s determined she’s going to be a teacher for the blind – and I believe that one day, she’s going to be what she wants to be.  I believe in her, just like she believed in me when I told her I wanted to be a musician.

            Reflecting on thoughts of Jaime, I drove up to my parents property, up the long winding driveway, and parked near the house.  I looked up to the sky, it was snowing again, it was dark out, because during February, it was still dark pretty early at night.  Everything looked white, and it glowed in the lights on the porch and the two light posts at the midway section of the driveway. 

            If only Jaime could see this, I pondered, wondering how she would know how much beauty, and serenity there could be in a simple snowfall.  Or how much beauty the stars held in the sky when they shimmered.  Up until now I had never thought about Jaime this way, I had never almost felt sorry for her for being blind.  I had never…well…lets say that I didn’t usually think these things.

            I headed inside, and immediately tripped over one of Jessica’s rollerblades in the hallway.

            “For God’s sake, Jessie!” I called.

            “Sorry,” came her reply from upstairs, as if she immediately knew what she’d done wrong, though I seriously doubt she did, she was just used to most things usually being her fault from her carelessness..

            Taylor stepped out of the kitchen, holding a large bowl of mashed potatoes.  “Where were you?” he asked, he headed into the dining room at the end of the hall, and I followed.

            “I went to take Jaime’s CD back,” I shrugged.

            “Oh,” Taylor put the potatoes down on the dining table, and his blue eyes looked at me through his carelessly styled blond bangs, “how is she?” he asked.

            “Beautiful,” I said it before I thought it, and I wasn’t even aware I said it until I saw Taylor’s expression turn to even more curious than before.  “Uh…I mean…she’s fine,” I coughed, I quickly tried to change the subject from embarrassment, not understanding why I’d made a slip like that.  “Do you have any cigarettes?” I asked quietly.  ‘Cigarettes’ was a forbidden word in the Hanson house.  In fact, come to think of it, there were about six hundred words of the English language forbidden in our house – and even some French!

            “Ssh,” Taylor gave me an evil look, he frowned. 

Cigarettes was probably the most popular of forbidden words in our household at that moment, me and Taylor had been known for our occasional smoking, and mom and dad didn’t really approve of that, they’d forbidden cigarettes from the house, and even saying the word Cigarette was enough to get you a lecture.  They would recite, ‘I don’t want you smoking in my house, as long as you live in my house you’ll abide by my rules.  What you do to your lungs outside of this house is your business, but no cigarettes in my house, understood?’.  And me and Taylor would only sit and nod sheepishly, and then Zac would blurt out, ‘is that the same deal with sex then?’.  Usually that would be the point Zac got grounded, and me and Taylor would be in the clear after Zac has distracted mom and dad from the cigarette thing.  I guess his timing was good, if nothing else.

            “In my pants pocket upstairs,” Taylor whispered.

            “Thanks, I ran out this morning…” I sighed, “I gotta get to the store to buy more, but I can’t risk being seen…” he sighed.

            “Boys, have you washed up yet?”

            We both snapped to attention as mom walked into the room, I stood up straighter, “no mom, just going to,” I promised, and I rushed off quickly.

            “Did you give Jaime her CD Back?” she called after me.

            “Yeah,” I answered, and I headed upstairs into my bedroom and into our private bathroom to wash up – and to feed my body the nicotine it was so badly craving.

           

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Jaime~

 

            My friend, Samantha phoned at nine.  I was listening to talk radio at the time, I’d been waiting patiently for Isaac’s call all night.  The moment the phone rang I sprang to life, padded over to beside the bed and felt around, finding the receiver.  I picked it up eagerly, anticipating that it would be Isaac – no avail though.

            “Hello?” I asked hopefully.

            “Hey,” Sam’s voice said cheerfully.  I knew Samantha’s voice instantly, she had a deep soothing voice, and she always sounded cheerful.  Samantha was one of my other best friends.  She lived across the street from me and even the two year age difference between us hadn’t stopped us from being friends.

            “Oh, Sam…hi,” I tried to sound enthusiastic to be receiving her call, but my disappointment betrayed me and seemed to be evident in my voice.

            “What’s wrong?” Sam asked worriedly, knowing that tone instantly.

            “Nothing…” I stated calmly, I felt an itch behind my neck and I scratched it absently.  “What’s up?” I asked.

            “Nothing actually, just thought I’d call to say hi.  What have you been up to today?” she asked.  She was always interested in what I got up to every day.

            “Nothing, just listening to music, same as always…waiting for a call.” I sighed downheartedly.

            “Waiting for who’s call?”

            “Just a guy,” I answered softly, I tapped my fingers against the bedside cabinet, drumming out a little beat out of boredom.

            “Isaac?” Samantha questioned.

            “Yeah, he got back today, said he’d call later…” I sighed, “But he hasn’t…”

            “Girl…why don’t you just tell him you like him?”

            “Because he’s a celebrity, duh, he doesn’t have enough time for me as it is…” I explained.

            “Bullshit, if you were his girlfriend he would make time,” Sam decided.  “Listen I better get off the phone just in case he does call, okay?”

            “Okay,” I agreed, sighing to myself.

            “Bye, girl,” Sam said cheerfully, then she hung up.

            I hung up, sighing.

Why had I lied like that?  The reason I couldn’t tell Isaac my real feelings was not because he was a celebrity and had very little time for me.  It was in fact, that…I was blind…and I knew, because I knew Isaac so well, that he was insecure, especially about his looks…he needed someone to love him physically, someone who could look into his eyes and tell him he was beautiful, someone who could see his smile and smile in return.  I couldn’t do that.  I was blind.

In all the years I had known him, I had never even asked Isaac what he looked like, I had never asked him what colour eyes he had, or what colour his hair was, or what texture his hair was, or how tall he was and how much he weighed.  All I knew of Isaac was the touch of his hand on my shoulder, or the feel of his fingers accidentally brushing against mines.  Although I’m blind, I’d been too shy to ask Isaac if I could let my fingers wander his face so could imagine how he looked, match it up with what my fingers were feeling.  I’d always secretly wondered what Isaac looked like in my imagination.

In my imagination, he looked as he sounded, soft, with soft satiny hair, soft eyes, soft skin, and warm and tender arms.  Tall, and broad, strong, and yet gentle.  I yearned to know what Isaac really did look like…I longed to touch him…I longed to kiss him…

But it wasn’t going to happen.

I waited patiently, hoping that his call would arrive soon.

           

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Isaac~

 

            I knew I was meant to call Jaime that night, I definitely did not forget, but I didn’t deliberately avoid calling.  I sat there in front of the phone for almost an hour sitting working out what I would say.  I didn’t have much in the line of conversation – apart from my music, and that was hardly worth talking about with Jaime.  She knows everything about my music, I tell her everything about it usually.  So there was no point in talking about it at that exact moment.

            So what could I call her and talk to her about?

            “Isaac…”

            I jumped, I hadn’t been aware my dad had been standing at my back for the last few moments.  I spun around and looked at him, “what?” I asked trying to remain composed.

            “You were pretty quiet at dinner…”

            I looked at the phone, “I just have a lot on my mind, I guess,” I confessed, “dad…I got a real problem…”

            “What’s that?” my dad sat down on Zac’s bed, and looked at me, ready to hear my problems.  Dad was always ready to hear my problems, he was always there for me, and I admired that in him so much, the fact that he could have seven children, and a wife, and still have time to hear all their problems, and to take care of us all, take on our problems as if they were his own. 

            I sighed, and I lay on my side on my bed, looking at my dad, “Well…you see…it’s Jaime…”

            “What about Jaime?”

            “Well…it’s like this…I went to see her earlier today, and when I left I started to feel…really different about her.  I don’t know how to handle it, I mean she’s been my friend for years and it shouldn’t be a problem…but I mean…this is…y’know…romance and stuff…I have…feelings for her…but she’s blind, how am I meant to show her I care if she can’t see it?”

            “Isaac,” my father clucked his tongue oh so delicately, and shook his head, “You should know by now that just because Jaime can’t see doesn’t mean that she can’t know…or feel…or hear…” he explained.

            “I know, but like…I mean, what if I asked her out, what am I meant to do?  I can’t take her to a movie ‘cause she can’t see, or take her to dinner – she always manages to spill the drinks and get the food everywhere ‘cause she can’t see…and I can’t take her on a romantic walk down beside the lake to watch the moon, ‘cause she can’t see.  I can’t buy her gifts ‘cause she can’t see how nice they are…

            “You can send her flowers…just because she can’t see them doesn’t mean she can’t enjoy them…she can smell them…and as a date you can take her to a concert or a symphony or an opera and let her hear music, you know she loves music.  You don’t have to let her handicap get in the way of your feelings…”

            I sighed, “I guess you’re right…” I stood up and grabbed my jacket.

            “Where are you going?”

            “I’m going to go over there and see her,” I answered.  I pulled my jacket on, “I’ll be back before midnight,” I assured, and with that, I left.

 

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Jaime~

 

           

            Hello, it’s me

            I thought about us for a long, long time

            Lately I think too much but something’s wrong…

 

            I lay back listening to the music, Todd Rundgren’s amazing voice filling my room, soothing me.  Isaac had made me this CD.  Burned it on a PC at home last year with all my favourite songs from the seventies, all my favourite bands and groups and singers like Abba and Todd Rundgren and Diana Ross and the Commodores were on that CD, I had cherished it as if it were the most important thing on earth to me.

            As I listened to ‘Hello, it’s me’, I pondered on why Isaac hadn’t called.  It was almost ten, I couldn’t believe he hadn’t called yet.  I didn’t understand it, he never did this.  He always called when he was supposed to.  I began to despair.  Maybe he had seen I liked him and scared him away, maybe he wouldn’t be coming around anymore. 

            No, stop thinking that way, Jaime, I thought angrily at myself.

I heard the doorbell ring downstairs, tried to ignore it, deciding that it was probably my mom’s boyfriend come for a night-time visit.

I lay listening to the music for another moment, then I heard a knock at the door.   And I heard his voice…

“Jaime…can I come in…”

 

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Isaac~

 

 

            I waited, hoping she wasn’t asleep yet, this was so important and I knew that if I didn’t get this done now, I might back out and never have another opportunity.  I waited.

            “Ike?” I heard her ask.

            I opened the door slowly and stepped in, she was in her Pyjamas, sitting on her bed, a Todd Rundgren song playing in the background.  “Yeah…its me,” I answered.

            “What are you doing here…” she questioned, her eyes made contact with mine, and although she could not see, I could have sworn she was looking into my eyes.

            I walked over slowly, “I…needed to see you,” I explained.  “I’m sorry…I didn’t call…I…wanted to see you in person…” I explained.  I sat down on the bed in front of her and looked at her.

            Her eyes wandered around for a moment, then fixed on me, not seeing me, but knowing where I was exactly, I swallowed nevously.

            “Are you okay?  You sound…nervous.”

            “I am…extremely…Jaime…”

            “Ike…I need to talk too…I’ve been sitting here all night thinking about a lot of things…”

            I slowed down a little, gave her time to talk first, “What were you thinking about?” I asked.

            “What you look like?”

            “What I look like?” I asked incredulously.

            She gave a nod, and I looked at her.  “I…can’t see you…and…you’ve never even told me about yourself…I know you, Ike…but I don’t know what you look like,” she sighed.

            I sat there for a few moments.  How do you describe yourself to someone who has no distinction of colour or tones, or textures from sight?  I didn’t know how to say it.  I swallowed nervously.  “I…uhm…how do you think I look?”

            “Like you sound…”

            I frowned a little, not sure what she pictured me as.

            “Jaime…I’m…not all that good looking if that’s what you mean…You’ve heard me say how all the girls are into Taylor ‘cause he’s the good looking one – ” I tried to explain.

            “I don’t care about Taylor…I want to know what you look like, Isaac…”

            I paused.  “I have…dark-blonde hair, kinda…I dunno, wavy I guess…thick…” I swallowed, “Dark eyes…uh…tan skin…” I glanced over to the mirror on her dressing table, not even sure why she had a mirror in her room, I looked at myself.  “I’m…plain,” I tried to smile.

           

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Jaime~

 

            “I don’t believe that,” I said.  I didn’t believe for one minute that perfect Isaac could be plain.  I sat there silent, listening to his soft breathing.  I wanted to kiss him, I really did, but I didn’t eve know how I would find his lips.

            For a moment, nothing happened, and then…then I felt his warm gentle hands take my own, and raise them, to find his face.

            I held my breath, and ran my fingers across his cheeks, found the bridge of his nose and ran my fingers down to his lips, soft, so soft…slightly moist, I quivered, ran my hands up his face over his closed eyes, softly over his eyebrows, and across his forehead, into his soft thick hair.  He felt so…real…

            I had never touched him this way before, but when I did I felt my hands shaking excitedly, my fingers tingling. 

“You’re beautiful…” I murmured softly.

He let out a soft sigh.    “I really—” he began, I interrupted.

            “Ssh,” I whispered softly.  I caressed his cheek, I heard his nervous breath pushing out, and sucking in.

            I leaned in a little, eyes closed hoping I knew what I was doing. 

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Isaac~

 

            She touched my face tenderly, at the same time, leaning closer, I was so nervous I was trembling, my hands at my sides, I was breathing fast, my heart was thudding.

            Why am I doing this?!  She’s my best friend…I demanded of myself.  But when I looked at her, when she was leaning in I knew why I was doing this.  It was because finally I could.  I’d spent so much time worrying about what I couldn’t do with Jaime, that I hadn’t explored the possibilities of what I could do.  And right now, the things I could do included holding her, kissing her, and just being there with her, wanting her…needing her, having her there…

            I leaned closer and let my lips brush against hers, her hands buried into my hair and soon we were kissing, kissing like lovers who had been separated for decades and had only found each other again.  And this is when my nervousness eased away, I relaxed.  I didn’t have anything to fear anymore…

            She liked me.

 

*          *          *          *          *

 

~Jaime~

 

            In the space of six hours everything had changed, from being friends, to suddenly being in love, and it was almost scary.  But…then it was with Isaac, and with Isaac, I didn’t need to worry, I trusted him, I knew him, and I knew he’d never hurt me for the world…

            I didn’t need to see him to love him…

            And he didn’t need to be seen to be loved.

            And he didn’t need to be seen to love me back.

            Blind devotion is a wonderful thing.

 

 

 

The end

 

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