Prologue

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"ISAAC!!" Zac yelled in tears as he shot up in his bed, clutching the covers tightly to his chest, fighting back the urge to scream. "Ike! IKE!" Zac called.

Then he realised Isaac was not in the room, he saw a terrific flash of lightening, and the room was lit up, then faded to the dark greyness it had been before, Zac stared at the window, seeing rain pouring down outside, the sky was cloudy, yet it was morning. Zac put a hand to his head, and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Just a dream" he promised himself, as he turned to the side of his bed to see Taylor’s bed, empty as well as Isaac's. Feeling alone and isolated, Zac put his hands to his face and began to cry pathetically. Memories haunted him. Memories of humiliation and disgust of what the bodyguard had done to him three months ago, Zac could not rid himself of the memory, though he wished he could.

Another flash of lightening, then the rumble of distant thunder, and the sound of the heavy rain on the window. Zac stared at the window, tears streaming down his flushed cheeks. Wiping his tears, he got up, his blankets still wrapped around himself, he padded over to the window and stared out. It was dark and grey, not a ray of sunshine to be seen. Just clouds. The van was gone from the driveway, which mean one or either both of his parents were out – maybe the whole family.

Zac left the room, and made his way around the house down the living room. The television was on, and it was blaring, giving Zac a headache the moment he entered. Jessica was the only one there, sitting watching Sweet Valley High, stretched out on the couch with her feet up on the coffee table, she had a box of Frosted Flakes tucked securely under one arm, and she constantly dug her hand in and pulled out a handful and scoffed them down like their was no tomorrow.

"Where is everyone?" Zac asked.

Jessica didn’t lift her eyes from the screen, nor make any attempt to answer.

Zac sighed, realising it was no good asking anyway, and he slumped down beside her on the couch and took the box of frosted flakes from her, taking a handful and shovelling them down. His appetite had all it could stand after two mouthfuls, and he handed the box back to her.

"Uh…are you sick?" Jessica noticed that Zac had only eaten such a small quantity, while he usually ate the worth of three bowls in five minutes.

Zac grunted, and tried to pay attention as Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield argued over Todd Wilkins qualities as a boyfriend. However, Zac wasn’t interested in High School soap operas and digressed. His mind wandered to thoughts of three weeks ago. Don. How could he ever forget what the guy had done to him? How could he go through a night without spending an extra twenty minutes in the shower trying to rub the fingerprints off his body? How many dreams could Zac have before they turned to nightmares about the bodyguard who’d molested him? Three months and Zac still felt so filthy and touched, so used.

"Oh, you’re up…" Isaac appeared from the kitchen holding onto his baby sister, Zoe, she was sleeping against his chest, her fingers in her mouth. "I…uh, didn’t wake you…" Isaac looked guilty, it was his habit to wake everyone up when he got up.

"Where are mom and dad?" Zac asked quickly, ignoring Isaac’s look of guilt.

"They went out shopping for baby clothes for Zoe," Isaac answered, he sat down in an easy chair, motion slow and careful as not to jolt the three month old baby in his arms. "And Tay went shopping with the money from his birthday," he added.

Taylor was already fifteen, his birthday had been two days ago. Time passed so quickly lately, Zac felt like it was yesterday Don had been molesting him, and thinking about that, he shuddered again.

"Um…Jessie," Isaac took a look at his nine year old sister who was sitting with her box of Frosted Flakes. "Mom said you’re to clean your room before she gets back," he lied – actually his mother had said no such thing, it was just a way to get rid of her.

"But—"

"If you clean your room I’ll give you five bucks," Isaac continued.

"Okay," The nine year old blonde grinned, and rushed off to clean her room, really happy to get five dollars for cleaning up.

Isaac looked at Zac the moment Jessica was gone. "Are you okay? You look wasted, Zac."

"I had another nightmare," Zac mumbled, he folded his arms over his chest, shivering.

Isaac lowered his eyes to the sleeping child in his arms. "Maybe you should take Dad’s suggestion and go to a Psychiatrist…they help stuff like that you know," Isaac said softly.

"Ike, I’m not crazy, and how many times have we had this stupid conversation now?" Zac looked forward to the television. "You’re all acting like I turned into some sort of psycho."

"Don’t be stupid," Isaac sighed. "Zac, we’re just—"

"I don’t need you to be worried about me, I’ll be thirteen this year, Ike, I’m old enough to take care of myself, you know that?!" Zac yelled, then lowered his voice, realising he didn’t want to wake his baby-sister. "I’m going upstairs," Zac muttered then turned and slowly left, leaving Isaac with his thought of concern.

CHAPTER ONE

The room was a mess – it always was now since Mackenzie had moved into it. There were always Beetle-Borgs and Power-Rangers scattered everywhere, pieces of paper with scribbles on them, crayons. Zac hated this room, it was too crowded now, with his own things in addition to his two older brothers and Mackenzie’s toys, it was just too full. Zac was barely able to see the floor.

I want a room of my own, he thought. Then I’ll have all the room to move about in I want...

Zac put on the CD player, and listened to Isaac’s Verve CD. He swayed his head slowly to the gentle and haunting ballad of ‘The Drugs Don’t Work’, and began trying to clear away some things. Eventually, he grew weary of this, Mac’s toys were too clumpy and couldn’t be stacked away nicely and neatly. Zac tried putting them on the shelves, but they just piled up and fell over again. Zac slumped onto his bed against the wall – at the corner of the bunks – and lay his head on his hands, looking into a poster of Emma Bunton (the blonde Spice Girl) and wondering if she’d ever experienced such a trauma as him. Wondering if any one in the world as famous as he was had. He sighed, frowning.

His brothers were being no help in this matter, Taylor had been there at first – but had shown no later interest, convinced that Zac needed to help himself. Zac was glad Taylor wasn’t trying to interfere, though admittedly, he wished Taylor was with him right now just so he didn’t have to sit with only Richard Ashcrofts voice and The Verve’s music for company.

Below, he heard the front door opening, and his family trumping in, their chattering voices, Taylor’s bantering with Avery and Mackenzie, Zac groaned, now knowing he was never going to get peace and quiet to clear the headache he’d gotten recently just forcing himself to think hard.

Around ten minutes later, Taylor sauntered into the bedroom, pulling off his jacket and throwing it onto his bed. "Whoah, you’ve been cleaning up," Taylor said in surprise, looking around and noticing that the floor was reasonably more noticeable than before he’d left.

"Hmmm?" Zac asked, raising his head, he’d almost dozed off.

"Never mind," Taylor rolled his eyes and turned off the CD player. "Guess what? I have a date for tomorrow night…" he began.

"Tay, surprising as it may be, I don’t want to hear," Zac turned over, and yawned.

"You can’t be tired still. Its midday!" Taylor exclaimed cheerfully. "Oh, Zac, by the way, I saw Nicola…" Taylor began.

"So?"

"She was asking about you," Taylor stated. "And…well, mom came over and told her to come over sometime, that you’d be absolutely thrilled to see her."

Zac let out a groan. He’d been avoiding his best friend, Nicola for two months. He’d seen her the moment he’d come back to Tulsa, but after spending an hour with her he’d convinced himself he wasn’t good company for his best friend anymore, so he’d spent the whole two months making excuses that he was grounded, he had to practise, and had forced Isaac and Taylor to put up every lie to the girl so she’d never see him. Zac would feel humiliated if she found out, which was why he didn’t want her around, in case he just broke down and decided to tell her.

"Look…she’s your best friend, there's no reason to run from her like she’s got the plague or something," Taylor rolled his eyes. "Get a life for heavens sake. She’s about the only girl you’re ever gonna get anyway."

"I don’t want to go out with my best friend, Tay. And I could have any girl I want," Zac mumbled, sniffing. "If I wanted one."

"Yeah, well, you’re not gonna find a girl by staying a recluse the way you have for the past three months…"

"I’ll stay a recluse if I want," Zac snorted. Actually, he didn’t want to be a recluse, but it was his only choice in the matter, when he wanted to go out half of the time his parents wouldn’t let him go without having Taylor or Isaac with him, and they grounded him for complaining about it. Isaac and Taylor had their own friends who wouldn’t put up with Zac so Zac couldn’t go with them, and since they were never home half of the time, he couldn’t ask them to go anywhere with him.

"Can you leave now? I’m going to sleep."

"Fine," Taylor rolled his eyes, disbelief spreading that his brother could be such of a recluse now – considering the way he’d been last year…

But then memory sank in as Taylor left the room, he stood in the hall remembering the fear in Zac’s face the night Zac had broken down – and had sat smoking a cigarette before him and Isaac. That night, by far, was one of the worst nights of the three brothers lives – but mostly for Zac. Taylor was actually glad Zac wasn’t allowed out anymore without he or Isaac by his side – because sometimes, Taylor feared it would happen again.

CHAPTER TWO

"Pass the carrots."

"Say please, Jessica."

"Sorry, dad. Please pass the carrots."

"Here."

"Thanks, Chewy."

"Jessie! I told you not to call me that."

"I know."

"Why you little—"

"Ike, pass the pepper."

"Say please, Tay."
"Sorry, mom, I left my manners in my other jeans pockets. Please pass the pepper…Chewbacca."

"Maybe I’ll just throw it in your eyes."

"Can we please quit with the insults, you’re giving me a headache."

"Geez, Zac, you’re in a mood."

"Well, Avie, after listening to everyone at the table I’ve about had it."

"Oh."

There was a momentary silence.

Diana Hanson – seated at one end of rectangular table – finished chewing on a piece of potato, sipped a little water, then smiled. "Boys…how would you feel if I…started working again?"

Isaac raised his head from his plate, his mouth full of potato and carrot. "Mwa?’ he asked, spitting out pieces of potato accidentally at his family.

"IKE!" his father admonished.

"Sowwy," Isaac continued chewing, looking at his mother for an explanation.

"Mom, why would you need to work again? Are we in major debt or something? Did we go bankrupt or something?" Taylor demanded worriedly.

"No," Diana shook her head.

"Mom, not that I sneak around looking at your stuff - but I’ve seen your bankbooks and…we’re really well off, plus the fact…mom, we have thousands and thousands and thousands and thous—" Taylor was cut off when his mother interrupted.

"Taylor, that’s your money dear, I wouldn’t dream of taking it even if we did need it," Diana commented. "Its just that…I dunno, my life is pretty basic right now, I’ll not be leaving Tulsa anytime soon with you on tour because of Zoe, but also, I feel trapped in here. I rarely get to get away from this – except to go to the store and even then I have to take some of you along…"

Walker smiled. "What your mother is saying is she wants to have something else to do apart from running around after you kids…just like a little escape for a few hours a day…"

"Ah…so…um…" Isaac thought for a moment. "So I guess I’d have to watch the kids eight hours a day or something?"

"Oh, no, Ike. I wouldn’t dream of it, you wouldn’t be able to handle it," Diana laughed. "No, I thought we could hire a nanny – someone to clean, take care of the house and the kids when I’m gone…"

Zac shuffled his food with his fork absently, picking at it every so often.. "You already got offered a job?" he asked quietly.

"In a way," Diana answered. "I used to work in a hair salon before I was a mom. I loved it there, talking to the people, getting to make women beautiful, it was a great job. But when Ike was born…I had to give it up. I talked with the woman who owns the salon and she said she’d be more than happy to have me back," she explained. "And it would only be for five hours a day, maximum," she added.

"Well, mom," Isaac kept an adult expression and his voice plain and supportive. "If its what you want to do, then don’t let us hold you back," he smiled.

"Aw, Ike, you're so sweet," Diana patted Isaac’s hand. "So?" she asked of Taylor.

"I think its fine," Taylor shrugged, he took a long drink of his milk, then wiped away the moustache. "Whatever makes you happy."

"Uh, shouldn’t you ask me what I think? I mean, Ike and Tay are like hardly here half of the time. You don’t let me go with Ike and Tay to half of the places they go now, and you never let me go anywhere on my own! I’ll be stuck at home with this babysitter and a bunch of immature brats!" Zac complained.

"Zac…don’t raise your voice at your mother," Walker stopped eating, taking on a slight look of annoyance at his son, but it soon faded.

"Zac…" Diana put her hand on his arm. "You know why we don’t like you going out unchaperoned…" she said softly.

Zac pulled away, "stop it," he muttered, referring to the touching, he still had a problem about that sometimes.

Diana paused, looking her son with hurt eyes, but Zac had more hurt in his eyes than anyone. The hurt in his eyes spoke massive volumes to the torment he’d been – and was going – through.

"Zac…what's wrong?" Jessica asked, her expression turning serious, she was rarely concerned about Zac, thinking that nothing ever bothered him anyway.

"What does it matter?" Zac got out of his chair – without excusing himself – and he turned off on his heel and left the dining room.

Isaac lowered his eyes to his plate. "I asked him about going to a psychiatrist mom, but its just no good…I can’t convince him…" he sighed.

"Why would Zacky need a psychiatrist?" Avery asked in wonder, her light brown eyes staring at her older brother.

Taylor shook his head at Avery. "Never mind, don’t you say anything about it, okay?" he asked. "Eat your meal, its getting cold."

"Mom, is Zac crazy?" Jessica asked, the look in her eyes becoming more bewildered, but very concerned.

"No," Diana shook her head. "Zac is not crazy, Jessie…"

"Though sometimes I wonder," Taylor silently mumble.

"Then why would Zac need to see a shrink?" Jessica frowned slightly.

"Jessica…that’s for adults discussion. Isaac, I’m going to ground you tonight for bringing the subject up at the dinner table, you should know better…" Walker stated.

"Sorry, dad. I’m just so worried."

"Stop fretting and eat your dinner," Walker stated.

CHAPTER THREE

Zac was seated in the living room on his own while his family were still eating dinner. He was trying to keep his attention on the television, a repeat of ‘Sister, Sister’ was on Nickleodeon and he tried to focus on it, but somehow his mind kept drifting.

Isaac and Taylor weren’t around much and when they were there either not interested in his company or too interested in his company which made him draw away. Now his mother was telling him she was going to be working, and she wouldn’t be here for him, and since his father was also working again to help raise funds to extend the house, Zac wouldn’t really have anyone to turn to if he suddenly needed a shoulder to cry on.

He sighed. It felt like they were all deserting him when he needed them the most.

"Zac…"

Zac turned, looked over the side of the couch, Jessica was standing, leaning over with her elbows on the back of the couch, looking Zac with an odd expression, her sky blue eyes curious, her long pale blonde hair tucked behind her ears and falling back over her shoulders. "What?" he asked.

"What's wrong?" Jessica asked.

"What do you mean ‘what's wrong’?" Zac tried to act casual, and glanced back at the TV.

"Why do you need a psychiatrist?"

"Huh?" Zac asked. "Who told you that?"

"Ike…" Jessica trailed off. "Are you going insane or something, do you have like, multiple personalities or compulsive disorder or something?" Jessica’s blue eyes widened.

"Jessie, don’t be such a moron," Zac mumbled, he frowned, how could his brother go telling their little sister he needed a psychiatrist when he didn’t? Zac wasn’t pleased about this.

"Well? Why do you need a Psychiatrist?"

"Jessie, why don’t you just—" Zac was going to tell her to ‘f-off’ and mind her own business, but Isaac stepped into the room just then.

"Jessie…why don’t you go get desert…"

"IKE! You shit! You told her I needed a psychiatrist!" Zac yelled.

Isaac was taken aback Zac was swearing, it wasn’t often the twelve year old got into the habit of doing this. "I—"

"MOM! ZAC’S SWEARING!" Jessica called.

"You little tattletale!" Zac accused, his fury burning. "I’m gonna kick your ass!" he stood up, looking at her, frowning.

"Mom!" Jessica stepped back, then shot off, leaving the room.

"Zac, we’re just worried, mom asked me to ask about the psychiatrist thing – I just kind of slipped…" Isaac shrugged.

"Bull," Zac made a face.

"Yeah, why don’t you just lock me away and I’ll never come out again,

I’ll be like the recluse Taylor is convinced I am!" Zac shoved past his mother and into the hall, and could be heard thudding up the stairs, a moment later, the door slammed shut.

Diana frowned. "I think I’ll just force him to go to a psychiatrist," she muttered under her breath.

Isaac sighed. "Mom, he’s getting worse…"

"I know…maybe he’ll ease up by tomorrow…" Diana sighed. "I…can only imagine how horrible he’s been feeling for these last few months…"

CHAPTER FOUR

"He’s locked us out of the bedroom, Ike," Taylor said as he stepped down into the garage, he listened to music coming from Isaac – the soft classical ballad of great torment, it had a haunting melody.

Isaac was sitting on a pine wooden stool, strumming his guitar. "I know," he muttered. "I don’t have to be a genius to know how mad he is at me for letting Jessie know he needs a psychiatrist."
Taylor slumped into an old worn couch in the corner of the garage, and he grabbed his tambourine and began examining it. "I almost agree with him, Ike, you shouldn’t have brought it up at the dinner table, true," Taylor looked thoughtful. "But also, I have to look at it your way," Taylor put the tambourine down.

"Huh?" Isaac asked, looking up from his guitar.

"Ike, stop playing that damn guitar and listen."
"What?" Isaac asked, and he let his arm drop, he held onto the guitar with his other hand.

"This confirms it, Ike. It confirms he needs help, he’s messed up, I don’t know why, he just is…"

"Tay, get a clue, he’s messed up because some fucking bastard touched him, isn’t that a fucking reason!?" Isaac stood up, eyes blazing.

"Ike…" Taylor stood too, holding his hands up in surrender. "There’s no point in getting mad about it now…"

"Why not?!" Isaac demanded, close to tears. "He hurt Zac, Taylor!!" Isaac was shuddering in frustration, his eyes red, his breath coming out in spurts. "He hurt our brother, our brother who never did anything to hurt anyone, who did everything right, who made everyone smile…" Isaac was in tears now. "I’m watching Zac day by day, seeing how worse it gets. Zac is falling apart!"

Taylor walked over quickly, and put his hands on Isaac’s upper arms, holding him steady. "Ike…" he whispered. "What is done is done. We can’t get revenge for it, even if we wanted to…"

Isaac moved away and sat down on the couch, leaning down, his head in his hands. "I’ve tried and tried to get him to see someone about it, Tay…I’ve tried and tried and I just can’t do it anymore, I just can’t do it anymore! He’s dragging himself down debris road, and he’s taking us all with him…."

CHAPTER FIVE

The next day…

"Zac!" Nicola Haggerty climbed into the treehouse, smiling broadly. "Its been too long, I got to your house, your mom said you were out here," she said, she sat down on the floor of the small fort like treehouse. "So…what's up?"

Zac looked at his friend, seeing her for the first time in over two months seemed strange though hew as used to it after all this time. Just looking at her now, how much she was changing and becoming a beautiful young woman, it was almost a bit of a shock. "Oh, hi," he said, he looked at her.

"So…like I said, what's up?" Nicola thrust back her long blonde hair, her green eyes sparkling brightly.

"Um…" Zac thought for a moment. There was nothing to tell her, he’d done nothing really interesting recently because of his own seclusion lately. "I’m…uh, going on a promotional thing to the UK in a couple of weeks," he confessed. And thinking about that made him shudder. The thought of going to the UK – where they were holding Don somewhere in a prison, it made his skin crawl.

"Something wrong?" she asked, noticing him shudder.

"Its just cold – even for March," Zac shrugged, and snuggled into Isaac’s green and blue bomber jacket, he’d borrowed it without asking, he wondered if Isaac would consider that strange, since Zac wasn’t even speaking to him at the moment.

"I saw Taylor yesterday…"

"Yeah, I think he mentioned," Zac said distantly, looking up into the grey sky, it looked like it was going to rain again.

"You’re awfully quiet, you were this way when I saw you the last time…" Nicola toyed with her hair absently, looking away. "Zac, is there some reason you don’t like me anymore or something?"

Zac looked at her hard, trying to find it in himself to say something that would make her feel better. Zac hadn’t thought much about her in the last few months, but right now all he could think about was her. Listen, maybe I was out of sorts," Zac sighed, he moved a little closer and placed his hand on her arm, comfortable with that kind of contact right now, he’d been avoiding physical contact with every one in the last few months. "I’m sorry, I’ve not been myself lately."

Nicola looked at him, chewing her bottom lip for some moments. "Y’know, I really don’t understand you sometimes," she frowned slightly in her own confusion. "Like, just after Christmas you weren’t like this, you were more hyper and happy than a three year old," she lowered her eyes to a wet droplet on the wooden floorboard, where the rain had begun to fall. "Now…I dunno, its just like you’re a whole new person," she sighed.

"Its not my fault," Zac gave a shrug. "Look, I’m sorry, okay, maybe we can hang out again, I’ll try to be hyper, I really will," he promised.

She smiled. "Okay, where do you want to hang out?"
"I dunno," Zac thought for a moment. "Why don’t we just go to my garage?" he asked. "Its starting to rain and its freezing…" he got up, and began climbing down the steps.

The two made their way into the Hanson house and down into the garage. No one came down here except Isaac and Taylor. And they weren’t around today. Zac took a seat before his drums, and leaned on the snare drum, watching Nicola as she stood by Taylor’s keyboard.

"Where’s the guys?" Nicola asked casually.

"Ike went to the orthodontist to get his braces off," Zac thought back to the conversation Isaac and Taylor had this morning, Isaac had been more than thrilled he was finally getting the braces off, they’d been hell since the day he’d had them, and now, relief. Zac thoughtfully ran his fingers under the edges of his teeth frowning. "I’m getting braces in May," he mumbled disgustedly.

Nicola laughed. "What's wrong with braces?"

"Ugh, apart from the fact Ike does nothing but complain about his, they’re ugly," Zac said.

"So…where’s Taylor, did he tag along with Isaac?" Nicola asked, she fingered the silent keyboard boredly.

"Nah, Tay was going for a haircut, I think he mentioned getting his braid chopped off."

"Oh, that’s not like Tay, I thought he loved that braid…"

"Yeah, well, I think Avery wants it for a bracelet," Zac shrugged.

Nicola gave Zac a weird look and shook her head giggling.

Zac leaned up from the snare, grabbed his sticks and began drumming out rhythmically.

Nicola listened for a moment, then raised her eyebrows. "Did you know that sounds like a heart beating?"

"Yeah, we call it the ‘heart-beat’," Zac grinned, feeling it was the first time he’d smiled in weeks. He stopped drumming, put his sticks down and got up, walked around the drums and made his way over, he stood beside her at the keyboard and reached over and turned it on.

Nicola fingered out a few keys tuning out ‘twinkle-twinkle little star’.

Zac listened to her playing, watching her, she seemed slightly uneasy, and somehow miserable. "Guess what?" Zac asked suddenly.

"What?" Nicola stopped playing her tune and she looked at Zac curiously.

"I’m thinking about getting my hair cut. Short."

"Oh, don’t you dare!" Nicola gained a serious expression, she gestured with her hand, punctuating every word with a movement. She smiled. "You have nice hair," she reached over and flicked his long golden hair back from his shoulder. "Maybe a trim though," she added thoughtfully. "Its almost longer than mines!"

"Not quite," Zac put his hands on the keys of Taylor’s keyboard and began playing a soft melody, he’d taken classical piano when he was ten, and knew a thing or two about keyboard playing, though most of his fans didn’t know it, he could play just as good as Taylor under the right circumstances.

Nicola watched as his small chubby fingers moved over the keyboard gracefully. "What's that song?" she asked in a soft voice, barely above a whisper.

"Its called ‘Moonlight’…I think…the Beethoven guy wrote it – ya know – the guy who was deafer than me after a concert with a thousand screaming girls?"

"Oh, yeah, the Beethoven guy," Nicola nodded. "Yeah, he rocks," she added with a playful smile.

"Oh, yeah, he rocks, rock and roll, roll over Beethoven," Zac giggled.

Nicola chewed her bottom lip, watching his concentration thicken as he reached a more complicated part of the song, his fingers slamming the keys harder in attempt, then softer, the haunting melody played softly filling the garage with its sweetness. Slowly, she drew nearer and she leaned against him, her head on his shoulder.

His playing became harsher, then slower, the song continued, it was long and complicated, he made not a single error. He finished the song, and then turned to look at her, the way she had her head on his shoulder.

He wondered what it was like to kiss, he’d always wondered this secretly though he’d never admitted it to even his brothers. Then there was the worry about kissing Nicola, what if he did? Would she mind that?

Without further ado, Zac decided to take a chance. He raised her head from his shoulder, he leaned forwards and brushed his lips against hers, just the way he saw actors doing this in the movies, he felt a tingle, it was only very slight, because Nicola pulled back before he could really feel it.

Nicola stepped back, a little startled. "Why’d you do that?" she asked.

"I was just wondering what it was like," Zac shrugged, he pulled her over again. "Let me do that again," he said. "I didn’t really get a chance, you pulled away before I had a chance to feel it," he sighed.

She looked at him. "You’re not gonna try anything funny, are you?"

"No, of course not," Zac rolled his eyes with a laugh. "I’m twelve years old, I’m not gonna try and touch you or anything," he added, then regretted his own words, the moment he said it, he was reminded of Don once again, the way Don’s hands had travelled down him almost thoroughly, his hot hands, the way he’d chuckled deep in his throat, Zac felt his skin turn to gooseflesh, shudders crawling up his spine. The moment was lost, Zac’s mood became sombre once again and me moved back a little.

Nicola looked at him, sensing something was wrong, the way he looked freaked out, as if he’d realised something. "What is it?"

"Uh…" Zac frowned for a moment, "its nothing," he then decided. "Lets go play Nintendo."

CHAPTER SIX

"Pass the pepper, Tay…"

"Here."

"Thanks."

"So guys…" Diana Hanson sprinkled salt on her chicken and raised her eyes to Isaac and Taylor. "How was your day?"

Isaac didn’t have a plate, but was putting up with sitting through dinner nonetheless. "My teeth are killing me," he mumbled unhappily.

"Poor baby," Diana put her hand to Isaac’s cheek and stroked the backs of her fingers down it.

"I’ll be okay," Isaac sighed.

"How about you Taylor?" Diana asked of her second eldest son.

Taylor was silent for a moment and then raised his hand, holding up a fine braid of golden hair just over a foot long. He grinned. "I got it cut," he said.

"Whoah!" Jessica grabbed the braid from Taylor. "I don’t believe it! You cut your braid!"

There was a round of laughter over the family – apart from Zac who seemed to be elsewhere. The family knew by now to leave alone otherwise it would end up starting to upset him again.

"Mom, I read your add in the paper…" Isaac said. "Y’know…for the babysitter," he said. "Did you get any replies?"

"Just one, she’s coming tomorrow afternoon for an interview," Diana answered.

"What’s she like?" Mackenzie asked, he looked at his mother. "Is she nice?"

"I’m sure she’ll be a wonderful person, Mack," Diana smiled.

"I hope she’s not gonna be like Ike and not play with us," Avery mumbled, her glance shifting her eldest brother.

"I don’t have to play with you, that’s Zac’s job," Isaac said in a joking way.

"Yeah, right," Zac mumbled, not really interested.

"Zac…" Walker said, he put his fork down. "Can I have a word with you?"

"But—" Zac looked pointedly at his plate, trying to explain he was still having dinner – of course this wouldn’t work because he’d only eaten his chicken, and that was all, he’d not been eating too well lately.

"Zachary, please, go into the living room, I’ll with you in a minute," Walker said sternly.

"Aw, man," Zac whined and he got up and left the table, he headed for the living room and he slumped into a reclining chair, folding his arms. Just as promised, his father appeared.

"Zac…I want you to quit this bad mood now…with your brothers, with us, just quit it," Walker stated.

"Why should I? You all go talking behind my back!" Zac looked away from his father, pursing his lips in anger.

"Maybe we need to Zac, because we all think you have a problem. Right, so maybe you had a bad experience, nothing hurts more than what Don did to you. It hurts me too, Zac, but I’m getting on with life. You should be doing the same. You’re going on a promotional deal to London in sixteen days, you can’t let the people see you like this or they are going to know something is wrong."
Zac sighed, keeping his glance away from his father.

"That’s why me and your mother have decided to send you to see someone…"

"A shrink?" Zac asked, his eyes widening.

"A Psychiatrist," Walker nodded.

"No!" Zac cried, standing up. "I’m not crazy! I don’t need a shrink! I need to be left alone!" he screamed.

"Zac, calm down, do you want the kids hearing?! Letting them see what this is doing to you is affecting them…"

"Why don’t you just tell them what's wrong!" he screamed, tears in his eyes. "Because maybe if you do they’ll leave me alone!" he cried.

"Zac, you’re becoming hysterical."

"GOOD!" Zac swatted his arm out, knocking over a porcelain vase, it smashed on the floor into many pieces. "I want to be hysterical, because then everyone will just stay away from me!"

"Look what you’ve done!" his father yelled.

"I don’t care!" Zac yelled back, spun on his heel and shot off quickly.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

"We heard yelling," Isaac stated when his father came back into the dining room, the kids were in the kitchen helping their mother with desert.

"Yeah," Walker sighed, he sat down shaking his head. "I told him about the psychiatrist, he seems to think that if we send him to one he’s crazy or something…"

"Maybe I should have a talk with him," Isaac was about to stand.

"I don’t think you should," Taylor said. "He’s still mad at you – but he’s not mad at me – yet. I’ll go," Taylor said.

Taylor made his way up to the bedroom, contemplating what to say to his twelve year old brother. He reached the room, the door was open, and he peered inside, Zac was on his bed crying, and Mackenzie was there, leaning over him.

"Zac…" Taylor said softly as he entered the room.

Mackenzie turned, hearing Taylor’s voice and innocently said "Why is Zac crying?" his big eyes looked sad.

"He’s not crying," Taylor smiled at the four year old and he moved over. "Mack, go downstairs and get desert…"

"But what about Zac…?"

"He’s okay, let him be," Taylor said and he shoved the boy towards the door.

Mackenzie left and Taylor shut the door. Zac was sobbing pathetically on the bed, Taylor moved over and sat on the end of the bed.

"Zac, this isn’t solving anything," Taylor sighed. "Look, being mad at dad and Ike isn’t going to help…they didn’t do this to you…they’re trying to help, believe it or not."

Zac sat up. "I want things to be the way they were, Tay," he said. "But how can I when they won’t stop treating me like I’m sick, that I need some kind of special attention or something just because some guy tried to rape me," he wiped at the tears in his eyes.

"I—uh…"

"Did it ever occur to you I might not want to be cheered up, that maybe I want to be left alone?!"

"Zac, you’re my little brother…and I don’t want to see you like this," Taylor gave Zac a firm shake, trying to bring the sense back into him. "I want to see you with a smile, and I want for it to be us again, because lately it feels like you’ve broken away," Taylor turned away. "Its always me and Ike now, Zac. You’re never with us, we beg you to come with us, you just won’t…and you never spend time with us when we’re home. On stage, you act like robot programmed to be like Zac Hanson, but the moment we get off stage or out of the way of a TV Camera, you act like this…"

"And what's wrong with acting like this…"

"You’re coming like a hermit," Taylor said. "You never talk anymore, you never smile or laugh anymore…I can’t remember the last time I heard you tell a joke…" Taylor stared at Zachary, hoping to read his brothers eyes, the pain he was probably feeling. All he saw was a blankness.

Zac looked at Taylor, Zac could see the hurt in Taylor’s evening-blue eyes. "Tay…" Zac looked away. "Imagine you’re lying in bed trying to sleep, but no matter how hard you try you can’t, because thoughts of some guy trying to kill you jumps into your head. Then the door opens, and you pretend you’re sleeping and the guy comes into the room, he sits on your bed and he starts taking the covers off of you. Then…then he starts touching you, and you want to scream for Ike, your voice won’t come out. Then the guy takes your hand and forces you to touch him, and he starts making weird noises – moaning – at what you’re doing, and you try to pull your hand away, and you plead for him to stop it, but he won’t, he keeps a hold of your wrist, then he threatens to do worse if you breathe a word of it…"

Taylor looked at Zac’s eyes tearing up at every other word.

"Imagine that, Tay! Imagine that and you tell me why you think I can’t even smile anymore!" Zac broke down into tears. "I’ve had it up to here, Tay. I can’t even think about girls anymore because somehow it all leads back to what happened…" he sobbed. "I tried to kiss Nicola yesterday – and suddenly he was there stopping me from doing it!"

Taylor looked at Zac, his heart hurting so much to see Zac like this. "I know what you must be going through…"

"No, you don’t know…" Zac shook his head. "Tay, I want you to leave me alone now…" he stated.

"But—"

"I said I want to be left alone."

And so Taylor left the room, regretting having heard what Zac had said, because that night, his nightmares became ones of Zac’s ordeal.

CHAPTER SEVEN

The next day

Zac swung on the tire swing boredly, kicking his legs as Nicola pushed him. "Do you ever wish you could turn back time?" Zac asked absently, he looked up to the sky, the sun was shining for a change, and the sky was just a slight shade lighter than Taylor’s blue eyes.

"Sometimes," Nicola answered, she stopped pushing him and the tire slowed to a stop. "I sometimes wish I could go back in time and stop my big sister from taking drugs so she wouldn’t be in rehab," she admitted. "Why? Is there something you wish hadn’t happened that you could change?" she asked, she turned the swing to her, and Zac was looking right at her.

"Yeah, something," Zac answered, he gave a shrug.

"What?" Nicola asked, she climbed into the oversized tire, her legs in he inside, her knees touching Zac’s.

"Its nothing, really," Zac sighed.

"The kiss?" Nicola asked, you want to change that?"

Zac thought for a moment. Actually, no, that wasn’t what he had in mind, he wished he could do that again – but without thoughts of Don creeping in. "No…" he said, he smiled slightly. "That wasn’t what I had in mind," he confessed.

"I thought maybe it was," Nicola admitted. "I mean, you always used to say that kissing was like something you would never ever get involved in…and then suddenly yesterday, you kissed me and I was like – whoah, Zac has changed."

"You really think I have?" Zac asked. "Changed, I mean."

"Yeah," Nicola shook her blonde hair away from her face. "Zac…can I say something?"

"Sure," Zac answered.

"Well…I…I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for you," She answered, "not just like as a friend," she added softly.

Zac looked away. "Oh," he said, he didn’t know what else to say about that.

"You don’t approve of that?"

"Of course I do," Zac looked back at her. "Its just a little strange right now, I mean, I wasn’t planning on kissing anyone until I was at least Taylor’s age…"

"Well…same here," Nicola said. "But now…?"

"Now I’m not so sure," Zac said.

"Why is love so confusing?" Nicola asked.

"Because love is a complex thing I suppose," Zac shrugged. "Ike always said love isn’t just about a relationship," he said. "Its about trust, its about your respect for the person you care about, it has to start with a friendship…its more than just kissing and holding hands you know," he shrugged.

"Well, Zac…" Nicola looked at him. "I trust you, I have a great deal of respect for you, and we’ve been friends for more than three years," she said. "Does that count?"

"I don’t know," Zac lifted his eyes to her. "Is it supposed to count at our age?"

"Zac, you know Juliet in ‘Romeo and Juliet’ was only fourteen when she fell in love, got married and had sex," Nicola stated.

Zac found something funny about that and began laughing. "I don’t want to have sex with you, Nicola," he laughed.

Nicola laughed too. "Well, I didn’t expect you to want to," she rolled her eyes.

"Um…I don’t think I’ll marry you either," he added.

"Nah, lets wait until we’re at least Taylor’s age," she joked.

"Yeah…"

Nicola fell silent then, she looked at him.

"Um…" Zac thought for a moment. "I guess its okay," he shrugged. "You and me I mean…"

"Don’t worry, I’m not going to expect you to kiss me and hold my hand all the time," she cracked a smile.

"Hmmm, maybe I want to," Zac winked. "C’mon, you said you gotta be home by four, I’ll walk you," he said.

CHAPTER EIGHT

After much thinking about it on the way home – although Zac wasn’t even supposed to leave the Hanson property without asking – he felt better getting away from his family for a while, they were driving him crazy, and right now, he’d rather spend his time with someone who really didn’t know his pain, and thus felt didn’t need to understand what he was going through.

He’d chose to walk down a path that led from the woods portioning off the Hanson property, and by surprise, he saw a tall blonde-haired woman walking down the same path. He frowned, and paused. Wondering if he should ask who she was.

"Um…excuse me," Zac caught up with her, tapped her on the arm and as she turned, Zac found himself gazing into the most beautiful aquamarine eyes he’d ever seen in his life. She had full pouting lips, and a pleasant glow on her tanned cheeks. Zac would have guessed she was in her late twenties, no a day over thirty.

"Oh, hi…" the woman smiled. "Maybe you could help me, little guy?" she asked softly.

"Oh, um, sure…what do you want me to help you with?" he asked.

"I’m looking for this address," the woman held out a slip of paper, Zac’s eyes widened when he saw his own address on the piece of paper.

Is it possible she’s the psychiatrist Mom and Dad want me to see? He asked, looking at the beautiful woman – who reminded him of a model from Playboy magazine – not that he’d ever read Playboy…

"Uh…yeah, you’re on the right path alright," Zac said. "Um…why are you going there?"

"I don’t really think that’s none of your business, sweetie," the woman said in a soft sweet voice. "You could be anyone," she said.

"You’re not a psychiatrist, are you?" Zac asked, raising an eyebrow.

The woman just laughed. "Oh, honey," she said, she put her hand on his shoulder, her touch was soft, her hand was warm, even through his jacket he could feel it. "If I was a psychiatrist I wouldn’t be paying some guy three hundred bucks an hour to clean up the mess in my brain from a previous marriage honey, but you don’t wanna hear about that…" she ruffled his hair.

Zac smiled. "I’m Zachary Hanson," he said. "I live at that address," he motioned to the piece of paper she was holding.

"And your mom is…"

"Diana," Zac realised she was just asking this to be sure he was who he said he was.

"Okay," the woman smiled. "I’m Shaz Dorough," she reached out her hand.

"Shaz?" Zac asked as he took her hand and shook it gently, he’d never heard a name like that before.

"Well, actually its Sharon, but since I was around as tall as you everyone called me Shaz," she answered.

"Okay, well, in that case you can call me Zac," he said. "Um…so what are you going to my house for – no, wait, let me guess…" Zac paused. "The babysitting job, right?"

"Nanny," Shaz smiled. "Good guess, Zac…"

Zac smiled smugly. "I know," he grinned.

"You mom told me you and your brothers are famous…"

"Yeah," Zac sighed, not really wanting to think about his fame – or the brothers who kept pestering him, "we’re pretty much out there."
"That’s great…so…what do you do, do you act?" Shaz asked as they began walking towards the house.

"Not far from it, we have all these big motion picture companies wanting us to do movies…but right now we’re into music," he said.

"That’s cool," she said. "So…what kind of music do you do?"

"A little rock, a little pop, a little bit of everything," Zac gave a shrug. They reached the back door and Zac opened it. "C’mon in."

Shaz followed him into the house, looking around the kitchen.

"You sit here while I go get my mom," Zac instructed.

"Will I see you later?" Shaz asked as Zac pulled out a chair for her.

"Hopefully," Zac gave a charming smile and he headed off. "MOM!" he called loudly. He found his mother in the living room sitting with the kids, talking to Jessica about some math problem. "Mom," he said as he stepped in to the living room.

"Yes, honey? Where were you, Ike went looking for you and he couldn’t find you," she said.

"I walked Nicola home…"

"Oh, yes," Diana smiled. "Nicola…she’s a nice girl."

"Mommy, there's a pretty lady in the kitchen!" Mackenzie came shooting through into the living room.

"That is what I came to tell you mom…" Zac rolled his eyes. "The lady who came for the job – Sharon Dorough…I met her on the path, she’s waiting in the kitchen…"

"Oh…" Diana stood up, holding tightly onto baby Zoe. "Um…I can’t take Zoe…" she realised. "Here, Zac…"

"Oh, no way…she’ll piss on me!"

"Zac, watch your language," Diana frowned at her son. "Come on, now. Just rock her to sleep – GENTLY – and then when she’s asleep call me and I’ll put her in her crib, don’t you do it, I don’t want you hitting her head or anything…"

Zac sighed and let his mother hand over the baby, he sat down on the couch beside Jessica holding her.

"Uh…Zac…" Jessica grabbed his arm and raised it a little so he was supporting Zoe’s head.

"Oh, right," Zac said.

Jessica got up, taking Mackenzie’s hand, sensing Zac really wanted to be alone.. "C’mon, Mackie…lets go play a game…"

Zac sat in the living room alone with the baby in his arms, looking at television screen – though no sound was coming out of it.

Taylor appeared just then, his cheeks were bright red. "Man, I just saw the new babysitter. "I swear she looked like a model…"

"I know, I met her…" Zac said.

"What's her name?" Taylor asked.

"Shaz Dorough…"

"She’s a babe," Taylor blurted out. "She’s like – whoah!" he cried loudly, his eyes wide. "If mom hires her I will be extremely happy!"

"Why?"

"I’m chick magnet, she’ll love me," Taylor grinned.

"Get a grip, she’s gotta be twice your age."

"A lot of women like younger men," Taylor joked.

"She might like Ike…" Zac added with a slight smile.

Taylor looked at Zac. "Its good to see you smile again…" he said.

"Yeah, well I’ve been feeling a little better since I started hanging around with Nicola again."

"That’s good…" Taylor said, then he walked over to the window of the living room and he looked out into the clear spring day. "Zac…I think you should work things out with Ike…I know it’s a bad thing to say, but you’re dragging him down. He was really upset the other night…"

Zac looked away. "Look, he hurt me, he shouldn’t have told Jessica—"

"Look, Zac, That was an accident. I was there. Jessica overheard, he didn’t turn to her and tell her, it wasn’t like he was gossiping behind your back…"

Zac scowled.

"And I do think they’re all right, because I think you really do need help. You can deny it as much as you want, you can tell us you’re fine a thousand times, you can hide in our room playing your video games and listening to music and pretending things are just hunky-dory, but we know you’re upset. Zac.

"How do you know that?" Zac demanded.

"Because we do. You snap at people – you never used to before all this went down. You’re up all night, you think we don’t hear you tossing and turning in your bed, sighing and sobbing because you’re too scared to go to sleep because all your dreams eventually turn into nightmares," Taylor clenched his fists. "You don’t need a psychiatrist because you’re crazy, Zac. You aren’t crazy. But if you don’t get help soon, we all know you’re gonna eventually end up that way."

"Tay, its my life."

"But this just isn’t about you anymore, Zac."

Zac raised his eyes, finding that Isaac had been standing at the doorway for sometime now, he froze, wondering what his brother was thinking. Isaac looked unsteady, very emotional.

"This isn’t about just you," Isaac took a sharp breath exhaled slowly. "Its about us all…not just the band, Zac, the family…not just mom and dad and the three of us, but the kids too, you’re taking us all down…" Isaac stepped into the room. "I woke up last night hearing crying coming from the girls room, I went in there and found Jessica was sobbing hysterically…"

Zac looked away, staring at the baby in his arms, Zoe was sleeping peacefully now, her breathing even.

"You want to know what she said to me, Zac?" Isaac asked, but didn’t wait for a reply. "She told me she wished she knew what was happening to you, because maybe then she could make it stop. She keeps thinking she caused you to get mad at me, she’s only nine for Christ’s sake, Zac, and even she can tell there's something wrong!"

Zac inhaled to keep himself calm.

"Y’know, I blame myself for this," Isaac muttered, turning away. "Because maybe if hadn’t started this whole band idea in the first place when I was a kid we wouldn’t be here now, and we wouldn’t have needed a bodyguard in the first place!" he cried, his eyes red.

Zac looked up at Isaac. How could he blame himself for that? Part of Zac said it was vaguely true, yes, if they weren’t famous it wouldn’t have happened. But that wasn’t Isaac’s fault.

"And y’know, somewhere I blame you for this," Isaac admitted, he stepped over, and he knelt in front of this. "I blame you because you didn’t come to me – do you realise that if you had it might never have happened?" he demanded.

Zac looked at Isaac, Isaac’s face was so close to his own he could actually feel Isaac’s breath and smell his gum.

"You’re too close," Zac tried to shove Isaac away, feeling that horrible closeness he remembered from Don being to near him three months ago.

"Never mind that!" Isaac retorted. "Zac, I’m saying if you don’t stop this childish behaviour now, then I’m going to stop trying altogether, and that doesn't mean just stop caring about you, that means I’m going to throw in the towel with the band too. Because I can’t stand to watch you act like a robot, nothing genuine about your smiles, just this emotionless shell of the Zac Hanson I knew."

"That’s not fair!" Zac cried, he then lowered his voice. "That means you’re putting the future of the band on my head!"

"No, I’m putting it on myself," Isaac said. "If we flake, then it will be my problem. It would be my fault."

"That’s not what you’re thinking!" Zac almost yelled again. "You mean it would be my fault as an immature brat of a brother!"

"What is all the yelling in here?" Diana appeared, looking stern. "Boys, I am trying to interview Sharon, do you think you can keep it down…"

"Mom, Ike’s quitting the band and he’s blaming me for it," Zac stated angrily.

"What?" Diana asked.

"Its true mom," Isaac stood up, looking at her, swaying a little, feeling a little unsteady. "If Zac doesn’t get help and force himself to buck up his attitude then I am quitting, I’m not about to stand and watch him act like nothing ever happened in front of millions of fans while I know that the moment we leave that stage, Zac is gonna be depressed and bitter."

"Isaac, I can’t believe I’m hearing this!" his mother cried in shock.

"Believe it," Isaac muttered, then he left the room.

Taylor – who had remained silent up until now – looked up at his mother, she looked back in confusion.

Zac stood up. "Here, mom, take her," he said, holding out the baby.

Diana moved over and carefully took the baby from her son, Zac stomped into the hallway and he grabbed his jacket on the way, still holding his jacket in his right hand, he opened the door with his left hand and he stomped out into the late afternoon rain, slamming it behind him.

CHAPTER TEN

"Zac!" Nicola cried in surprise as she opened the front door of her house expecting to see some other visitor – but not Zac standing in the rain, his hair plastered to his face.

Zac looked at her. "Can I come in, please?" he asked.

"Sure," Nicola smiled and moved back, and let him in, he was drenched to the bone, his jacket soaked and dripping water over the carpet. Nicola reached over and helped him peel the jacket off of his body, his shirt was soaked underneath. "How long have you been out in the rain for?"

"For an hour or so," Zac sighed. "Nicola, do you have a shirt or something I could borrow?"

"Um…sure, come with me," she said. "My moms out, I was just about to make myself something to eat…" she added. They travelled down the hallway of the one level house and Nicola let him into her bedroom.

Zac looked around, her room was blue – one of his favourite colours in fact – and it had stars and moons everywhere.

Nicola began searching out her closet for something dry for him to wear. "So what are you doing here?" she asked of him.

Zac peeled off his sweatshirt, finding only that his T-shirt was soaking wet too. This certainly wasn’t his day. "Aw…man…" he whined.

Nicola rolled her eyes, she shoved a dry plaid shirt into his hand. "Hold on, I’ll find you a T-shirt or something," she smiled, and she began checking through her drawers, after finding a plain white T-shirt that wasn’t too girlie, she came over and handed it to him. "Here."

"Thanks," Zac dropped both items of clothing onto her bed, and he grabbed the bottom of his T-shirt and took it off. "Got a towel or something?" he asked.

"Sure," Nicola disappeared into the bathroom connected to her bedroom, and she appeared five seconds later with a thick dry fluffy white towel. She tossed it at him and took a seat in a white wicker chair in the corner of her bedroom.

Zac dried his top half of quickly, shivering coldly. He noticed Nicola was watching him. Was he supposed to be embarrassed being half naked, he wondered? It wasn’t any different from when he’d gone swimming with her and she’d seen his top half then, was it? "Something wrong?"

Nicola was looking at him, she drew in her breath. "Zac…y’know, I used to think Tay was skinny…" she trailed off.

Zac looked down at his frail torso. He realised she was right of course, he had grown shockingly thin lately. He guessed it was from all the eating he wasn’t doing.

"What's that?" Nicola asked, motioning to his ribs.

There was a small bruise there, two months ago it had been huge, and it had taken quite a while to heal – he’d received it from falling down the stairs of the hotel when Don had been chasing him. "Oh…that…" Zac swallowed. "I fell…"

"You fell?" Nicola asked.

"Down a flight of stairs," Zac added. "Some guy was chasing me, no biggie…"

"Why was he chasing you?"

"Um…" Zac wondered if it was safe to tell her, he’d felt he could tell her anything and now that they were officially a couple – although not much of one – he decided that maybe she had a right to know, at least some of the truth. "He was a psycho – he beat me up a couple of times – well not beat me, just hit me, and threatened me…" Zac trailed off. "It was because I took his fancy…"

"What, you mean he was gay?" Nicola’s eyes widened.

"He was a child molester…" Zac forced back the need to cry and scream remembering it all again.

"You didn’t let him…"

"What choice did I have?" Zac asked.

Nicola got up and walked over. "When did this happen?"

"In Scotland," Zac stated. "Around the beginning of January, before Zoe was born…"

"Does anyone know?"

"My parents and my brothers, its tearing them apart…Ike’s threatening to leave the band because I’m so messed up he can’t stand it anymore…I hate him for it, he’s going to ruin everything for us! And Tay agrees with him that I need a shrink."

"I’m sorry, Zac," Nicola bit her lip. "I know what's its like…"

"How?" Zac asked, tilting his head a little.

"Remember I told you about my sister - Kathy?"

"Yeah," Zac nodded.

"Around the time she was on drugs – about a year ago – she was babysitting me, and I’d went to bed early…her boyfriend came over, and said he was going to the bathroom, but he really came into my room…and…he did the same thing. He told me if I told he’d hurt Kathy, so I couldn’t tell. And After that all I wanted to do was shower and shower and shower…get his filthy paw marks off of me."

Zac looked at her, feeling this surge of relief jump through him. He couldn’t believe she’d been through the same thing. But now, knowing this, he felt someone could properly understand what he was going through.

Nicola reached out and placed her hands on his shoulders. "So I know what its like…"

Zac took her by the waist – feeling the need to hold her to steady himself. "God, I am so….I dunno…just relieved…everyone wants to pity me or tell me I need help…" he rested her cheek against hers, sighing.

"Hey, its okay," Nicola took a deep breath and hugged him. "You’ll get over it in your own time…"

"Yeah, I guess," Zac nodded, moving back.

"Here," Nicola grabbed the towel from the bed and she dropped into to his head, and began drying his hair gently. "Don’t want you to catch pneumonia," she smiled.

Zac stopped her from drying his hair, and he leaned forward, tilting his head to the side, and he brushed his lips against hers. This lasted for only a second, but it took his breath away, after deciding that this was official and since they were boyfriend and girlfriend – after their talk earlier that day – that this was okay. Zac bent forward, keeping a hold of her by the waist, and he pushed his lips against hers, making it last a little longer than the first, when his own initial shyness retreated, he felt a little better, and began parting his lips ever so slightly, finding hers were doing the same.

He felt her hold onto him, and was intrigued, he hadn’t expected it to be this way, he’d always thought kissing a girl would be full of a disgusting sloppiness that all twelve year olds would expect. But this, this was different. It was a gentleness he hadn’t expected, a warm pleasant tingly sensation worked its way into him, leaving him feeling regenerated and happy. And somehow, he felt older than twelve all of a sudden.

They broke away, looking at each other.

"Whoah, you actually opened your mouth…" Nicola seemed a little startled.

"You did too…" Zac said, then he made a face. "In fact…" he spat something into his hand. "I somehow got your gum…"

And the two laughed about that for the rest of the night, like a private joke.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

"Zac, where have you been?!" Diana asked, Zac stepped into the living room, it was past nine, and he was wet again.

"I was at Nicola’s," Zac said.

"I wish you hadn’t stormed off like that, you just about scared me half to death!" Diana took a deep breath.

Zac looked at his mom, feeling weak and tired. He noticed Shaz was still in the house, she was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee. Long interview, he thought.

"Zac…you look like you could use a rest, why don’t I go heat you up some warm milk and get you some choc-chip cookies and then you can go to bed…"

Zac was too tired to argue with that, he just nodded, and pulled of his wet jacket and slung it on the floor by the fire so it could dry.

"So, Honey…" Shaz stood up and walked over to get a heat from the fire – it was a cold night. "It looks like I’m going to be seeing a lot of you…"

"Really?" Zac asked, he knelt beside his jacket and reached out his hands.

"Yeah," Shaz smiled. "I got the job," she added. "Of course, the fact your mom only got one reply and that was from me – that had to have worked in my favour," she laughed.

Zac didn’t listen to her, he was looking into the flames of the fire and thinking about Nicola, the way he’d kissed tonight, the way she’d held onto him, he knew that was a memory that wouldn’t die any time soon.

"Hmmm, you have a goofy look on your face, must be a girl," Shaz grinned.

"Huh?" Zac asked, snapping back to present.

"You’re thinking about a girl, right?" Shaz asked, leaning down to reach over to heat her hands at the fire, Zac blinked, when she leaned down the collar of her shirt fell down a little and he could see down into her cleavage – what a wonder a push-up bra could do…

Zac snapped away from that hoping she hadn’t noticed him stare, and he looked away. "Um…sort of…she’s a friend…"

"A friend? A girlfriend maybe?"

"Well…its not really a big thing, it just started and no one knows," Zac didn’t even know why he told the gorgeous blonde this, he just felt he could tell her anything.

"Okay," Shaz smiled, and she winked. "It’ll be our little secret," she ruffled his wet hair.

"Hey, don’t mess with the ‘do," Zac frowned playfully.

"I remember when I was your age and I got my first boyfriend, we were happy as larks, and y’know, the moment we were old enough we were married – of course, I’m not with him, now, but still, love lasts a long time…" she trailed off.

He liked her, he didn’t know why, he just did, and it was the ease of how he felt he could tell her things – and she was perfectly at ease with telling him she’d been married before. He liked the way she called him Honey, and the way she smiled at him.

"I’m glad I got the job," she went on. "I love this family, everyone’s so happy and kind…such lovely people, and you big brothers – what's their names? – Isaac and Taylor? They’re perfect gentlemen," she smiled. "I guess you take after them, huh?" she tickled his chin grinning from ear to ear. "And your little sisters are perfect angels…Avery and Mackenzie simply adore you, you’re all they ever talked about when you were gone…"

Zac listened to how fascinated she sounded by the family. She makes us sound like the all-perfect-family, we’re not really, Zac thought.

"Anyway, Zac…I start tomorrow," her beautiful sparkly aquamarine eyes glowed when she spoke excitedly, she sounded and looked like a child on Christmas eve so expectant and anxious. "I’m gonna love working here," she said.

"I’m sure you will," Zac smiled, he got up and made his way over to the couch, and relaxed.

Shaz took a seat beside him.

"Here you go, Zaccy," Diana appeared with a glass of warm milk and a plate of cookies – which Zac found unusually piled up, Diana wasn’t always took keen on her children eating junkfood, but now, it seemed she was encouraging it. Diana held the plate out to him, smiling eagerly.

The moment he saw the plate of chocolate chip cookies his stomach rumbled, reminding him he had not been eating right for days now. He took the plate and the milk and began guzzling both down as if he’d been starving for months on end without food or water. He leaned forward over the plate trying to not get crumbs everywhere.

"Whoah, honey, slow down," Shaz laughed. "You’ll give yourself heartburn…" she patted his back.

"Sorry," Zac swallowed a big mouthful of cookies and he washed them down with some milk.

"He’s not been eating right for Days," Diana confessed.

"Oh?" Shaz asked, she kept her hand on Zac’s back. "Well…while I’m around I’ll make sure he eats every meal," she kept a pleasant face.

Zac could only smile.

"Okay, Zac, I think you should go to bed, now…"

"Are Ike and Tay home?" Zac asked frowning a little.

"They’re out, and Mackie’s asleep, so you’ll get plenty of peace and quiet to rest," Diana reached down and stroked Zac’s wet hair away from his forehead.

"Okay," Zac nodded, and he stood up, keeping a firm hold of his plate of cookies. "I’ll finish eating these upstairs," he added.

"Okay," Diana leaned slightly down and kissed her son on the forehead. "Goodnight, baby."

"Night, mom," Zac smiled slightly, then turned to Shaz. "Night, Shaz…"

"Night, honey, see you tomorrow, huh?"

"Yeah…" Zac waved, and then left to go up to his room. Entering his room, he turned on the lamp on a small cabinet in between the headboard of Isaac and Taylor’s bunks, and the side of his own, and the lamp lit the room in its dim light. Mackenzie was sleeping on the trundle-bed that had once been Zac’s. Zac tucked his baby-brother in and then Zac made his way over to his own comfortable bed, kicking the clothes he stripped off underneath.

He didn’t bother with pyjama’s, he slept in his boxers and Nicola’s plain white T-shirt, and he sat up, thinking, eating his chocolate chip cookies, and smiling thinking about Nicola. How he’d ended up with her gum in his mouth, he had no clue, but it had been funny – disgusting but funny.

He got up, and he walked over to the graffiti board above the Lego table and he reached over, unpinning a photo of Nicola and himself that been there for almost a year, they didn’t look much different from the way they had then – apart from the fact that Zac was a little taller than her now, and he’d always been shorter than her. He smiled at the picture, the image of himself and Nicola smiled back at him. Then Zac noticed a picture of he and his brothers pinned onto the graffiti board. This picture had been taken when they’d gone to the UK for the Poll Winners Party last November, in the photo all three looked tired, Taylor looked as if he’d just woken up, and Isaac looked a little disgruntled. Zac himself looked worried and exhausted. Zac frowned, and for some reason anger filled him when he thought of his brothers. They wanted him to go see a shrink when he didn’t need one, they were against him, they were supposed to be on his side and he could never forgive them for that. Slowly, Zac reached out, ripped the photo from the graffiti board and he grabbed a pair of scissors from the utility holder by Taylor’s laptop, and he instantly began cutting the photo up – it fell in two pieces, Taylor and Isaac on side and Zac on his own in the other. Zac threw the pieces of the photo into the wastepaper basket, and sighed, he went back to his own bed, holding the photo of himself and Nicola to his heart. Right now, it felt like he only had Nicola to trust, her and maybe that nice babysitter Shaz.

Zac put the photo under his pillow, and then he lay his head down, he reached over and turned the lamp off and the room was swathed in blackness once again. The tired twelve year old closed his eyes and began to drift.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

"MOM! MOM!" Zac screamed as he shot up from his bed from another nightmare, his hands clutching the blankets desperately, his eyes wet from tears. Zac took a deep breath, trying to keep calm, hoping that his mother would come, but she didn’t, and Zac despaired, wishing he could just die.

Zac looked around his bedroom, the sun was shining brightly, and the room was once again empty, his brothers weren’t there, he wished they’d been around, even if he wasn’t talking to them, just having someone in the room would help. Ease his loneliness and his uneasy feeling. Realising he had to get himself ready for homeschool, he pulled himself together and he headed for the school room of the house. The school room was basically like the living room - except there was a study table. Diana Hanson was standing over Isaac’s shoulder, explaining something, until she stopped, noticing Zac entering the room, she smiled. "Morning, sweetie," she said.

Isaac and Taylor both lifted their eyes from their schoolwork and they looked at Zachary for split second before pretending not to notice he’d walked in.

"Morning, Zacky," Mackenzie grinned, looking up from his children’s book.

"Why didn’t you wake me?" Zac asked of his mother.

"You looked tired," Diana answered softly.

"Mom, can I just work somewhere else today? I feel like some peace and quiet…"

"Well…"

"Please?" Zac asked again, softly. "I have a splitting headache…"

"Maybe you should go back to bed, take another couple of hours sleep," Diana moved over and put her hand on Zac’s head. "You do feel a little warm…"

"No, mom, I can’t go back to sleep…" Zac shook his head. "Just…I want to work alone, okay?" he asked.

"Okay…" Diana nodded. "But I wish you’d go back to bed so I at least know you’re getting the rest, I won’t be around the rest of the day, I’m leaving in twenty minutes for work," she said.

Zac looked at her. "What if I have a problem with my lessons?"

"That’s okay, Zac, I’ve left some answer books out, if Sharon has some time, she can give you a hand in between watching the kids and cleaning the house. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t give her a hard time on her first day…"

"That’s okay, mom," Zac grabbed his books from the counter by the wall. "Unlike other babysitters you’ve stuck me with in the past – I actually like Shaz," he stated.

Taylor smiled. "Yeah, mom, she’s really nice, I like her too…"

Zac looked over his shoulder. "That’s just coz she’s got big—" he was about to retort with, but his mother gave him a look of warning. "I’m going to study," he muttered, then he left the school room, he hard Taylor say something and then everyone began laughing at him for some reason. Zac wished he could laugh again, at least laugh at Taylor. Right now he felt even laughing at his brother wasn’t worth the effort, it was pointless.

Zac went into the living room and set out his books on the coffee table, and he turned on the television, "so much for peace and quiet" he muttered, but he couldn’t work in silence. After turning MTV on, he headed for the kitchen to grab himself a soda and a couple of cookies from the jar, he noticed hot coffee steaming in a jug in the coffee maker. Put off the idea of a soda, he grabbed a mug from the cupboard above the sink, poured in some milk and spooned in two sugars, and then poured the strong smelling black liquid into his mug. He stirred it, heading for the living room, and he took a seat on the couch. He grabbed one of his books and opened it at a certain page and began revising, he took a sip of his coffee, finding it bitter at first, but he soon grew accustomed to the taste and with a jolt he felt ten times more awake than usual.

Fifteen minutes into his revising for a history test, his concentration was broken by a knock at the door, followed by his mothers footsteps. Moments later, Shaz entered the room, a brown leather bag on her shoulder. "Hey, honey," she said to Zac.

Zac looked up from his history book and smiled. She was wearing a tight white sweater and a pair of hipster jeans. Zac drew his breath, wondering how such a woman wasn’t anything like a model or an actress. "Hi," he said in a bright voice.

"What you doing?" she moved over and looked over Zac’s arm to see his book. "Oh, history," she smiled. "My worst subject at school that was."

"Mines to," Zac rolled his eyes. "But I gotta learn it anyway, even if I’ll probably never use it."

Shaz looked to the television, Zac hadn’t noticed the song ‘Where’s The Love’ come on, Shaz blinked. "Whoah, Zac…isn’t that you and your brothers?!" she asked a tone of complete excitement and surprise, she reminded Zac of a kid in this way.

"Oh, yeah," Zac put his book on his lip, looking at the television, watching as in the video he almost burst out laughing trying to "ooooh" up the background with Isaac.

"Man, is that actually you guys playing the music or were you just doing that for the music video?"

"No, we actually play music," Zac answered in a very mature voice. "Ike plays the guitar, Tay plays keyboard and I play the drums…"

"So where is everyone else?" Shaz asked, looking around.

"In the school room," Zac answered.

"Okay, I’ll go say hi to everyone," she said, and then she left the room.

Zac watched as his mother stepped in. "Okay, now I’m going," she said, quickly pulling her long, long blonde hair into a ponytail. "I’ve left the number of the salon with Isaac, so if you need me…"

"I’ll call," Zac agreed. "Have a nice first day, mom," he said.

"Okay, Zac. Be good," Diana hurried over, kissed Zac’s forehead in motherly affection – and then she dashed off. "Bye!"

Zac listened to her go, and he listened to her driving off in the family’s backup car. Zac began to look back at his book, the words a mass of insensible mumbo-jumbo. He put the book down and decided to watch TV. For the last few moments of the video ‘Where’s The Love’. Zac wished he could be that Zachary Hanson again, the one who loved grabbing cameras and shoving his face in them. The Zac who loved to fool around and laugh. He didn’t feel that was just like him anymore. As if Zac Hanson hadn’t even existed in the first place. Zac remained silent for the rest of the day, listening to music, studying, writing hard without asking for help. When noon came, Zac only half of his lunch – which consisted of a cheese and pickle sandwich and a chocolate pudding, Zac took two bites of the sandwich, tossed it away and ate the chocolate pudding. After lunch, not feeling any better at all, he went to his room, and he listened to loud music, which only gave him a headache, but did drown out his thoughts. Giving up on his schoolwork, he decided to go meet Nicola at school to lighten his mood.

CHAPTER TWELVE

"Hi, Zac. Whoah, you look tired," Nicola greated him at the front gates of her school, she smiled anyway, giving her a dose of her big green eyes.

Zac shrugged. "I didn’t sleep last night, y’know, another nightmare," he shrugged. "Been getting them a lot lately."

Nicola gave a sympathetic expression and as they walked, she put her arm around his shoulders, Zac felt ten times better when she did this. "Lets go for a walk, Zac," She suggested. "Walking always makes you feel better," she added.

"Yeah," Zac agreed, putting his arm around her waist, hand on her hip. They walked and talked for a while, about the weather, and about schoolwork. Just things in general. They sat down on a bench on a small stretch of grass not too far from Nicola’s house.

"So…" Nicola swung her legs boredly, looking at the suburban landscape.

"Oh, guess what?" Zac asked, he reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a small plastic tic-tac box. "Look," he said. "I kept your gum…"

Nicola laughed. "Whoah, you really did," she took the plastic box and looked at it. "Cool!"

"It was like a reminder," Zac admitted, taking the box back and sticking it into his pocket. "Because it was like my first REAL kiss, not like the first one we had in the garage," Zac admitted.

Nicola looked at him. "Do you think we should exchange gifts or something?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, a girl in my class has a boyfriend and he gave her his necklace, and she gave him her friendship bracelet," Nicola explained. "Just to make it official sort of thing…"

"Hmmm," Zac thought for a moment. "I don’t really think I have anything…" he thought for a moment. "Oh, wait," he clicked his finger, and he pulled out the keys to his house – he had his own set. He took off his silver machete keyring. "I know its not much, but its something that’s important to me," he thought back to when Taylor had given him it before a concert – more like something to coax him to the stage, but still…

Nicola blinked. "Whoah, didn’t Tay give you that?"

"Yeah," Zac nodded, and he reached out, took her arm and he attached the silver machete keyring to her leather string bracelet. "I hope it will do, I don’t really have anything else," he admitted.

She smiled. "Its perfect," she kissed his cheek, and hugged him, thinking while she held onto him, then she moved back. "And I’ll give you this…" she reached up to her neck and she pulled off her silver chain, and she reached around his neck and clasped it securely. Zac looked at the tiny silver cross on the chain. "Whoah, this is too expensive…" he began.

"Not for you," she twiddled with the keyring attached to her bracelet, grinning.

"Thanks, Nicola," Zac hugged her back, and kissed her cheek too. "I guess I should be getting home," he realised.

"Okay," Nicola nodded.

"I’ll see you later then, maybe tonight you can come over to my house?"

"Sure…"

"Okay, bye…"

"Hold it," Nicola stood as he stood.

"What?"

"Aren’t you going to kiss me goodbye?" she asked.

Zac rolled his eyes, but smiled. "I guess – it that’s what I have to do to make you happy," he gripped her shoulders gently and pulled her towards him and lightly pecked her lips. "I’ll see you tonight."

Zac got back to the house at half four.

"Who's that who just walked in?" came Shaz’s voice from the kitchen.

"Me!" Zac called from the hallway, he took off his jacket and hung it up, he was passing by the mirror when he noticed the necklace sparkling in the light, he frowned. It was a beautiful gift for Nicola to give him, and it was hers, it was something he’d rarely seen her without. And now it was around his neck, the cool silver brushing against his collar bone. Not wanting anyone to see it, he tucked it under his shirt, and buttoned up the collar to the top so it wasn’t even noticeable, and then he headed into the kitchen, Shaz was doing some dishes, Mackenzie and Avery were sitting at the kitchen table drawing. "Hi…"

"Zac, Isaac and Taylor were worried – you went out without telling anyone," Shaz scolded, looking a little concerned.

"Oh, sorry," Zac said. "I thought they’d seen me going out."

"Where were you?"

"I was out with my friend," Zac answered. "Don’t tell my parents, they’ll crucify me if they found out I did it again," he said.

"Listen, I won’t tell, honey," Shaz promised, she flicked dish-soap-bubbles at him playfully. "But your brothers, that’s a different story, they’ll tell…"

"Damn," Zac muttered.

"Huh?" Shaz asked, her tone a little agitated.

"Darn, I said darn," Zac tried to assure.

"Your mom will be home soon, Honey," Shaz said, she dried her hands on a dishcloth and then she moved over. "If your brothers tell, I’ll tell her I gave you my permission to go out, but only this once, you ask me in future, okay?" she rubbed his hair in an affectionate nature. "Now go watch TV or something…"

"Okay," Zac agreed.

Zac made his way to the living room, Isaac was stretched out on the couch, Taylor was sitting on a reclining chair with Jessica in between his legs while he brushed her hair. They were watching a national geographic show about elephants, Zac digressed from this, and he headed into the recreation room to play pool on his lonesome. He’d just made the break when Jessica appeared, leaning against the doorway, her eyes on Zac.

Zac felt her presence and he looked over his shoulder. "What is it?"

"Nothing," Jessica answered, he just stood looking at him. "Are you still mad at me?"

"I was never really mad at you in the first place," Zac confessed, he took a shot at the ball near the corner pocket and succeeded.

"But you’re mad at Isaac and Taylor," Jessica pointed out and she walked in, she leaned on the edge of the pool table. "How come no one will tell me what's going on? Why you’re so sad now," she looked up at Zac, her blue eyes questioning.

Zac looked at his nine year old sister, he wished there was something he could say to make her understand, some way he could tell her what he’d been through, but there was nothing he could really say. "its…you wouldn’t understand…" Zac decided, he looked back to his game.

"But I would!" Jessica tried to assure, her voice reaching a high pitch Zac never thought possible, she grabbed onto the side of his shirt, pulling at him. "What's going on?!" she demanded.

Zac removed her hand from his shirt, but the moment he let go of her, she grabbed back onto him.

"You know what I heard mom say?" Jessica asked, she looked away, letting go of him, she paced over to the other side of the table. She hopped up onto the table and she sat, looking at him.

"What?"

"She told daddy she wants to work so she doesn’t have to hang around here and see you hurting so bad. She keeps trying to help you and you won’t let her so she can’t stand to be around you," Jessica raised her eyes to Zac, she looked guilty.

Zac felt awful, that sounded like his mother. He looked away from his sister, finding it hard to look into her innocent blue eyes, she really didn’t understand.

"Why do you look so sad?"

Zac tried to look her in the face, but found it hard, he turned away. "I don’t know, Jessie," he confessed. "I think I’m missing something," Zac shrugged.

"What are you missing?" Jessica asked, she slipped down, and she walked over, putting her hand on his back. "Because if I can find it, I can give you it back…"

"No one can give me what I lost," Zac chewed his lip, blinking back tears, feeling this shuddering coming on again.

"What did you lose?" Jessica turned her towards him, seeing the tears in his eyes, she paled, and chewed her own lip, she couldn’t ever really remember seeing Zac cry since he was her age, and now, here he was with fresh tears and a helpless look. "Zac?"

"I don’t know what I lost," Zac shook his head. "I just know I lost it," the tears dribbled down his cheeks, he didn’t know what made him cry, the feeling that when the minute Don had touched him that his innocence had been lost, or the fact that after years of not noticing, that Jessica actually cared deeply for Zac. He was her brother after all. Zac placed his hands on Jessica’s shoulder, massaging them in a comforting way. "Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?" he asked. "See…guys don’t cry," Zac sniffed, blinking back his tears, then keeping his eyes wide trying to stop them coming.

"Okay," Jessica agreed, and she took a tissue from her pocket and handed it to him. "Just do me one favour," Jessica pleaded.

"What?"

"Go to the psychiatrist…" Jessica answered.

"WHY!?" Zac asked, shocked that his sister was on his parents side now.

"Because I think you really do need to go," Jessica answered.

"Jessie, you’re nine years old, you don’t know what I need…"

"I know you need Ike and Tay – but you’ve shoved them away," Jessica retorted softly, she looked at Zac and then she walked off.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

"I see there’s still a little hostility at the table," Diana sighed, looking at her children. It was dinner time, Isaac was away in his own world, Taylor was playing with his food and Zac was silent. Jessica and Avery were fighting over something or other, but that was gone unnoticed, as was that Walker wasn’t even at the table from working late.

Zac looked at his mother. Her beautiful face was more readable than a book with large words. Every expression spoke a volume, tonight, it spoke as much worry as it had through the last three months. Zac looked away from her.

The dinner table was unusually silent a moment later, and Zac looked nervously around from one person to the other. He remembered a time when dinners were always noisy, now it seemed they were always silent. Zac frowned. Its because of me, he thought. Somehow, he knew it was true.

Jessica glanced over at Zac, as if she was expecting him to say something.

Zac glanced back at her for a moment, and then back to his mother. "Mom," Zac said.

"What, Sweetie?" Diana asked, placing her hand on Zac’s.

Zac felt the warmth of his mothers hand and it reminded him of how safe he’d always felt with her.

"I…I—can we talk in the other room?" Zac asked. "Now?"

Isaac and Taylor gave a surprised glance at each other, to their mother and then to Zac. "Is something wrong?" Isaac asked of Zac.

"Mom?" Zac asked in a pleading voice.

"Okay, honey," Diana nodded.

Zac began leading the way into the living room, he took a seat on the edge of the couch, his hands in his lap, his head low.

"What is it, Zac?" Diana asked as she followed in a moment later, then she moved over and she sat down beside him and put her hands on his. "Is something wrong…why did you want to come into here to talk?"

"I…didn’t want to say what I have to say in front of them," Zac referred to his brothers and sisters.

"Oh, okay," Diana nodded. "Well, what is then?"

Zac took a deep breath, looked away from his mother. "Mom, I’ve been thinking…y’know…" he shrugged. "I…think you’re right," he said in almost a whisper.

"About what, sweetheart?" Diana asked in her motherly voice, she reached out and stroked Zac’s hair back from his cheek, tucking it behind his ear. "What do you think I’m right about…"

"That I need help," Zac answered nervously. "I know, its taken me a while…but…I think I agree with you now, since this happened, everything has been going down debris road. I can handle not being able to smile as much, and I can handle not wanting to be touched in the slightest way sometimes, god, I can even handle the stupid pitying looks you and dad give me—"

"But we—" Diana tried to interrupt, she did not consider herself pitying her son, loving him, maybe, never pitying him.

"I can take all that, mom," Zac looked away. "But I can’t handle Ike and Tay and me fighting," Zac shook his head. "If there's anything more in the world I love its my brothers," he added deeply.

"So you think you can handle getting help from a professional?"

"Yeah," Zac nodded.

"Okay, honey," she said, she kissed his forehead tenderly. "We’ll arrange it for you…"

"Thanks for understanding, mom. And for putting up with me, I know I’ve been a pain…"

"That’s okay, honey. Just tell me one thing, what made you decide apart from Ike and Tay?"

Zac smiled slightly. "Jessie…" he answered.

"Jessie?" Diana looked originally surprised.

"Yeah, she showed me I was messed up, if a nine year old can see it, then I knew there had to be something wrong," Zac shrugged. "But…don’t tell them anything about this, okay?" Zac asked. "I’ll tell them myself – when I’m ready…"

"Okay, honey."

EPILOGUE

Zac lay awake, the lights were out in his room, it was probably past one. He couldn’t believe he’d made the decision his parents and his brothers wanted him to make, it was a little drastic, but he had decided that if this thing – the torment he was going through – had turned him against his brothers, then it had to be bad, and maybe that a Psychiatrist could maybe fix it.

Zac got up and left his bed, and the bedroom, and made his way quietly downstairs. The whole house was in silence as well as darkness, Zac went into the living room and he turned on the TV, he slumped down onto the couch, pulling a cushion to his chest and he tried to watch some late night comedy, the television providing the only light.

Zac couldn’t concentrate on this. Tomorrow his mother was making an appointment to see one of the best psychiatrists in Tulsa, which meant by tomorrow afternoon, Zac would know when he had to go see a shrink. He didn’t like the thought of it, but if it was going to help…

Zac reflected on the past few months again, his heartache and loneliness, his misery because of his molestation, here he was three months later and he was still taking extra-long showers to rub the fingerprints he felt were on every part of his body. Zac knew he should have gotten over this, but it was as much a part of life now, maybe it would be forever, maybe the shrink would help, he didn’t know.

"Zac, its three am," came a tired mumble as the dimmerlight came on and Zac looked up to see Isaac standing at the doorway, his hair in disarray, rubbing at his head. Zac looked at his big brother, wondering what he was thinking, there were times when Zac wished he could read Isaac like a book, Isaac was difficult to read sometimes, he always acted laid back, it was rare Isaac got physical or emotional unless circumstances were dire. Zac realised this now, and that when Isaac had been getting upset all these times…it had been because the situation was dire indeed.

Zac looked straight at Isaac’s dark brown eyes – as usual when Isaac was tired, his left eye began to go a little narrower than his right, just like when he smiled.

"I know," Zac sighed, he looked back to the television. "I’m watching Nerds," Zac stated.

Isaac turned the light off. "Okay, don’t fall asleep and leave the TV on or mom will go nuts," he said, and was about to leave.

"Ike," Zac called softly.

Isaac paused in the doorway, "Yeah, Zac?" he asked.

"Come in, we need to talk," Zac decided.

Isaac stepped in and closed the door – he didn’t bother with the light – he walked over and he sat down on the edge of the couch, not very near Zac at all.

He’s worried, Zac thought. I went mad at the last time he was near me, so he’s scared I’m afraid he’ll touch me or something, Zac realised, he watched Isaac, who was staring uninterestedly at the television, Zac felt so much hurt. How could he have turned against his brothers like this? Zac thought to the picture he’d cut up the other night – the one that was still at the bottom of the waste-paper basket in two pieces.

Isaac sighed, "so what do you want to talk about?" he asked, his voice full of weariness.

Zac slid across the couch, and sat right next to Isaac – just to give Isaac some indication he didn’t feel badly about it anymore.

Zac didn’t know why he broke into tears, he just did. "I’m so sorry," he sobbed.

Isaac turned, looking at Zac, surprised with the onslaught of emotion that just flooded out at that moment.

"I didn’t mean to get so stupid," Zac lowered his head crying.

"Zac, you weren’t stupid…"

"I’m just so scared, Ike," Zac shook his head, and curled up, pulling his knees. "This has got me so messed up and I don’t know why, you promised me I’d get over it and I didn’t…and now I’m gonna have to pour my heart out to some guy I don’t even know. And I’m the reason you want to leave the band. You can’t leave the band because of me!"

Isaac was surprised when Zac grabbed Isaac and pulled him over so that he was right against him, Zac lay his head against his brothers shoulder, crying heavily. "Please hold me," Zac begged. "Just tell me that everything will be okay…" he sniffled, trying to hold back his tears.

Isaac gingerly pulled his arms around his brother, he hadn’t hugged Zac like that since Zac was around Jessica’s age, maybe younger. "Zac…I’m not leaving the band," Isaac said. "And things will be alright…I promise you. Its gonna take time, and maybe it won’t go away forever, but it will heal and you’ll forget about it mostly," Isaac sighed. "And in time I will too, and we can go back to our normal every day lives…"

Zac held onto Isaac so tightly, afraid that if he let go, it would be letting go forever, Zac realised this was probably going to be the last time he would ever, EVER feel safe and secure in his brothers arms, because the next time, there would be no tears, Zac would be too old for tears and too old for hugs.

"Zac…I know its hard to believe…but it will get better eventually, if you just hang on," Isaac promised. "And all those things I said? About it being your fault, I was way out of line and I was wrong…"

"Why did you say it?" Zac moved back a little so he could look at Isaac.

"Because I was scared for you, I guess," Isaac shrugged. "Sometimes even adults get scared…"

Zac lay his head back down on Isaac’s shoulder. "What am I gonna do, Ike?" he asked softly.

"You’re gonna hang on," Isaac patted Zac’s back. "We’re all going to hang on, it’s a bumpy road from here, Debris Road might not be over as much as you think it is, but you’re halfway there, and we’re on the other side," Isaac said. "We’ll travel down, you travel up and we’ll meet you halfway," Isaac explained.

"Ike, that’s too deep, stop with the mushy stuff," Zac faked a dumb accent and sniffed.

Isaac chuckled, and hugged Zac. "That’s more like the Zac I know…"

"Yeah…I think I’m back, Ike…Zac Hanson is back," Zac smiled genuinely, as he were home for the first time in months, coming back to his family and friends. "I’m making a slight return," he moved back looking at Isaac.

Isaac smiled. "Welcome back, little brother."

End

Titled after the song "Debris Road" by Ocean Colour Scene

The lyrics to the song are…

She nails down moonbeams and talks in double time

Stumbling down to where ever she goes

I live in the meantime, I get frustrated

So I’ll put my wager on Debris Road

(chorus)

If it keeps me running down Debris Road

I’m not so scared but its somewhere I cling to

Of all the places I wanna go

They don’t cast a shadow on my Debris Road

I get frustrated looking for moonbeams

They always fall where I never go

But I like the daylight and I like a good life

Running so fast down Debris Road

(chorus)

Someone got moonfaced and someone gets tearful

Talking so much that they really don’t know

Sitting up all night, singing songs ‘til the daylight

Striking a match with the devil below

(chorus and fade)