Hi once again. You all know the drill, join in and sing along. We don't own them, wish we did. C.C. and his merry bunch at 1013 always did. I'm just borrowing them for today, I'll give them back straight away. Seriously guys, no infringement intended. I am just a poor nurse, and these are the musings of a sick mind I have so little, just a computer and an overactive imagination. Please do not sue me... Those Three Little Words by Joylynn Wing NC17 MSR,Angst,Humor,RST Classification : RSAVH Spoiler: FTF and The End... Summary : " What do you do when the one you love doesn't tell you those three little words you need to hear? " Feedback worshipped at aljoyw@a-znet.com He had never said it. Damn him, he had never said the three little words I needed to hear him say the most. He told me he owed me everything. I owed him nothing. He told me he couldn't do it without me. Hell, he had even kissed me. Sort of. Even after all we've been through, we were denied even that. When his lips brushed mine, eternity opened up for me, the world moved under me, my heart filled with everything good and pure in life. Yeah, can you fucking believe it! I never thought it would happen, at least not to me. All of my life, I have walked my journey alone, afraid of others seeing me for the weak person I am. The frail human side I try so hard to deny. Then like my life a comedy of errors, the moment was ruined by that bee. << I have since bought a lot of all purpose bug repellent. >> When I lay dying there in front of him, his concern apparent upon his furrowed countenance, I could feel his anguish... His pain... It was so thick, it was like the fog, off the water, obscuring the view of the shore from the sea. He still did not say it, what's so hard about those three little words? Don't take much to say; yet they speak volumes. I believed he loved me. I trusted he loved me. I was dead wrong... When we held hands at the pool, reasserting ourselves to our search, he never said those three little words. I really needed to hear them, to know I was not truly alone in this miserable existence, to know our search for his holy grail was not all in vain for me. I had to hear them, but I never did. Damn him. Wouldn't you know he finally opens up to me, lets me in, even gives me permission << Of sorts >> to love him, and he still couldn't say the three little words. Now I know why. I wish I didn't. I have always sought my truths in the hard cold facts of science. I should have stayed there, protected. I didn't. I accepted extreme possibilities, and I was had. Big time. Boy am I a loser. I guess I was reading into things more than I should have. I let my heart led my head, I have up control and let someone in. I have worked all of my life to build up that wall to protect myself, and I just let him in...I gave him the most important gift I have to give him. My self control, my safe haven. I won't be doing that again. I went to the hospital that day for a routine check-up after that nice little walk in the ice tundra, following up on my infection. I had not heard from him or seen him in several days. << Work >> I thought at the time. I had needed a few days to thaw from my cryosuspension. << I think I will retire in a nice warm local. >> Even Mulder insisted I take the leave saying "I'm just going to get things organized". Yeah right!! Now I know why... How stupid could I be? I'm an MD for Christ's sake, had by a loony psychologist, Big time... I went to my appointment, hoping I would be released to go to him, to help him seek the answers we both desperately needed together. I needed him. I was released all right, like a lamb to the slaughter. He was there, with roses, red roses, a big bunch of them. And guess who it was for. Come on three guesses. Diana Diana Diana What a surprise. He has never brought me flowers, not even one. None Nada Zip He gives me dumb gifts, key chains, football videos, things of that sort. SHE GETS ROSES... He is leaning over her and smiling, touching his lips to hers. Giving her the flowers in question. The flowers I will never receive. The kiss I would never have. I thought he loved me. But he never said the three little words I needed to here. wanted to hear. had to hear. Yeah, I know why. He is holding her hand, the way I wish he would hold mine. With desire. With passion. With longing. Nope, that won't be happening anytime soon. Some of us are destined to walk our journey alone. I guess that I am one of them. At least in this lifetime. I'm just a friend, a replacement for Sam. I'm second best once again, as I always have been all of my life. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. I should have listened to Ahab. "Never let your guard down, they will walk all over you." Oh yeah, meet Dana Katherine Scully MD. ME. The fucking welcome mat. I ran from the hospital that day. Never did make that appointment. My faith was gone. Why bother? I'm just holding him back. A weight upon his shoulders. My feelings are a liability. I found myself vomiting in the parking lot. Purging myself of my raging feelings, I guess. I have always repressed what I have felt. Afraid of being vulnerable. Puking did not help, won't be doing that again. I'm not the sniveling type. At least not anymore... That day, I also hit another milestone, I resigned from the X-Files. << Take that, no Dana Katherine Scully to kick around >> Shit, I was tired of giving up everything for him, for his truths, his needs. Melissa. My cancer. My abductions. My career. My life. My love. All for the man I loved. What a idiot am I!! He gave his heart to her. Why not! Who would want damaged goods like me. I won't be doing that again. I'm done being the welcome mat. I look up from my laptop... The sinking sun's orangish red tones causing shadows to dance around my room, feigning joy. I couldn't go to my usual safe places. I want solitude. I want peace. That's why I am here. I have been here three days in passing, laughing, crying, shouting, mourning. Sitting Shiva and I am Catholic. Mourning for myself, mourning for him... for what could have been. I don't eat much more, haven't in years. He was my sustenance. Now it's like going without the very air I breathe. I guess I will become anaerobic. I have been contemplating my future. Where will I go? Can I face this journey alone once again? << I can not face him again >> Yet I fear being alone. I'm so tired, I have nothing left except my laptop and my Sig Sauer. Ain't life a bitch... Just what any woman wants. Some cold hard steel between her legs, and her modem to play with. I really needed this break, to get my focus back. To find my truths... I get up and walk around inside these four walls. My new self appointed sanctuary, since my castle walls have ebbed away like so many grains of sand in the flow of the tide... My heart still aches for him... Will continue to ache for him... My soulmate... The man I love so much, but can never have... End Entry. Scully looked up from her journal, unshed tears shining in her eyes. She didn't know she was going to survive. But she knew, she would. She touched the cross on her neck, feeling the cool metal against her warm skin. She deftly unclasped it, and tossed it on the table next to laptop. It had grown to symbolize more that just the obvious, It had come to symbolize the unwavering trust, belief, and unspoken love they felt for one another, and for the journey the shared to discover the truths hidden in the darkness. Her faith now shattered, she knew she could never wear it again. Scully jumped with a start, she could hear a knocking at the door. Remembering to get the money for the pizza she had ordered, out of the drawer, she went barefooted to the door, saying "I hope you have change for a ten." It wasn't her pizza she had ordered. << But, damn it is good enough to eat!>> It was Mulder. He stood there, dressed in black, his leather jacket filling her nostrils with his comforting familiar scent. He leaned against the door jam with a cocky look on his rugged face. " If I didn't know better, I would think you were running away from me." He said it with a smug lopsided grin. Scully attempted to shut the door on him but he stuck his foot in the door to prevent her from doing so. Mulder took in her disheveled appearance. She was wearing faded skin tight blue jeans, her tanktop was faded and worn, falling off her shoulders. It was obvious she wasn't wearing a bra. Her hair was wavy and full, strands of it hanging over her pale drawn face. Her eyes were glassy, dark circles under them. Her freckles stood out in relief against her pale skin. And she was barefooted. Tiny little Scully feet. This simple observation, causing his soul to ache for her. Mulder heart fell into his stomach and shattered into a thousand pieces. He gulped a breath of air, filling his lungs of her. << God she is incredible! >> Mulder gestured with a sweeping motion, "May I came in?", he said lowly. Scully nodded silently, lowering her eyes and turning away. She turned away from him, going over to sit on the bed. Mulder quietly followed her, his body moving like a sleek cat. Mulder knew she had left him, left the X-Files. Skinner had told him, shocked himself. Mulder could not think of a reason why she would. He had thought that they were committed, united, one. She was his soulmate... His life... His truth... She made him feel complete, whole. She tested his resolve, lifted him up, and gave him the strength to exist in this world. He needed her... He loved her... He wouldn't go on without her. He knew quite a lot about the woman in front of him. She was always so very careful, guarded of her inner self and of her emotions. She had learned to steel herself against the raging world around her. These walls, fortified and tall, kept all who would enter at bay. Those same walls kept him out also. Despite his best efforts, he would only get glimpses of the sensitive, emotional, loving woman which was hidden inside ever so carefully. Those few times illustrating to him the memories of her that her mother had shared with him when she was sick. He still to this day, remembered holding her as she sobbed uncontrollably, after she had gotten away from Pfaster. All of the time he had held her, he cursed the man who had shut her so far in her self. He loved everything about her, he stubbornness, her strength, her wit. Her beautiful personage that was his Dana Katherine Scully. He was determined to get her back, whatever it took. As he watched her sit down, crossing her arms over her, he had never realized until now how much of his future was rolled up into the 5'1" fireball that was his Scully. Scully was shocked, basically speechless. That was not normal. The only man she had ever loved was in front of her, so close, yet never to be any closer. The only man she had ever trusted with her feelings, her fears, her vulnerabilities. The only man who made her feel weak in the knees yet gave her the strength to rise beyond her weaknesses. She also knew a lot about him. His passionate nature, warm, and caring compassionate side. She adored all of the qualities about him and so much more. His good looks had always awakened a fire which she had always suspected was within her, but had never explored. But it was his eyes, the mirror of the soul which had clinched it. His soul, as old and as wise as time, resided there. She felt like she had know him forever. And she knew she would never have him... Mulder sat down next to her, soothing a stray lock of hair back into place. "So, how have you been doing?" Scully lowered her bright blue eyes speaking quietly, "O'K, I guess." Mulder tipped her head up to his thumb and forefinger, to look into her eyes. Mulder saw tears there, glittering like diamonds against a sea of azure blue. Mulder spoke with unhurried tones, his voice full of concern, "Why did you go? I have missed you." His soft eyes full of regret. Scully caught his gaze with hers, blue and hazel sharing the same space in time. << And I missed you also >> She said silently. All of the pain, she was feeling was rising up to the surface, she ripped away and ran into the bathroom. Mulder sat there on the bed, questions filling his head. He stood up and angrily ran his hand through his hair.<< She is so closed off, distant, like she is angry. >> "What have I done?", he cried loudly, pacing back and forth across the carpeting, only silence answered him. "Ah come on Scully, talk to me." "What the hell is going on?" Mulder glanced around the room, Scully was everywhere, her things were scattered around the room. Her scent filled the air surrounding him, enveloping him like a warm blanket. Scully had always been the strong one, carrying him at his lowest. Her faith and trust in him, gave him the ability to continue to do what he did. Mulder noticed her laptop open on the desk, he casually walked over and glanced at it. The words there fell upon his chest like arrows making there mark. The pain expressed there clearly. He had never known why she always tried to be so strong. << He never said the three words I needed him to say...>> << the words I really needed to hear...>> << I believed he loved me >> << I trusted he loved me...>> << I was dead wrong...>> << I let my heart lead my head, I gave up control and let someone in..>> << Diana >> His eyes grew as big as saucers... << he is leaning over and smiling, touching his lips to hers >> Mulder felt his heart break, choking his breath. Mulder sat down and understood, nodding his head slowly as he continued to read. << I'm just a friend..>> << I have given up much for him, and yet he gave his heart to her. >> Mulder's eyes filled with tears of the knowledge of how he had hurt her. The tears fell like warm rain, down his parched cheeks. << Doesn't she realize I have already give her my heart several times. >> He knew what he had to do, but how? An idea flashed in his head, a brilliant idea. << It just might work. >>,he thought to himself. He smiled brightly. Hr walked over to the bathroom and poised his head near. He could hear her faint sobs emanating from there, tearing at his soul. << Here goes nothing. >> He began to sing in a shaky voice. " Are those your eyes, is that your smile, I've been looking at you forever, yet I have never seen you before.." " Are these your hands, holding mine. Now I wonder how I could have been so blind" " And for the first time, I'm looking in your eyes. For the first time, I'm seeing who you are..." " I can't believe how much I see, when you're looking back at me, now I understand what love is, what love is..." Mulder could hear sobbing growing louder, he continued. " Can this be real, can this be true, am I the person I was this morning, and are you the same you?" " It's all so strange, how can it be. All along this love was right in front of me." "And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes. For the first time, I'm seeing who you are." "I can't believe how much I see, when you are looking back at me, now I understand what love is, love is." "For the first time." Scully opened the door, trying to keep a modicum of composure. Her face was pink, glistening. Her eyes were bright, red rimmed. Mulder walked up to her, taking her trembling hand in his. " Damn you ", she said, her eyes glistening with yet to be shed tears. A single tear came down her face, and she lost it, leaning into his chest and crying. Mulder began to cry also, his slightly cracking voice finishing what he had started. "Such along time ago, I had given up on finding this emotion, ever again." "But you're here with me now, yes, I found you some how, and I've never been so sure." "And for the first time, I am looking in your eyes, for the first time I'm seeing who your are." "I can't believe how much I see, when you are looking at me, now I understand what love is, Love is, for the first time." Mulder kissed the top of her head, stroking her silky hair with his hand. He embraced her tighter, his low voice cracking with emotion, "Scully, I love you... You are the only good thing in my life. You keep me honest. You are the captain of my soul, you are the only truth I need. You have never been second best to me, you are everything, my beginning and end." Scully continued to cry, her sobs becoming less frequent. They continued to hold each other, both afraid of what was to happen next. Eventually, Scully gently pushed way from him, her voice saying haltingly, "When I saw you with her, I thought..." Mulder smiled warmly, caressing her tear stained face, with his bronzed hand, saying quietly, "I was saying goodbye, I owed her that much." Scully put her hand on his saying, "I thought I lost you..." Mulder looked at her, a single tear coming down his face, "Never Dana, I'll always be here, and this will always remind you. You are all the truths I have been looking for all of my life. You make me feel whole, complete. I feel like I can do anything when I am with you." He then picked up the simple gold cross, and fastened it around her neck. And with that he touched his lips to hers. The kiss was soft, almost chaste. Like a toe in the cold waters of the vastness of the ocean. Mulder felt her hands creep around his waist and he urged the kiss on by taking her lip in his mouth and sucking on it. Scully moaned loudly, gripping him tight, as she parted her lips for him. Mulder teasingly slid his tongue in her mouth, tasting the ambrosia he found there. Her tongue met his in a frenzied dance as old as creation. Mulder cupped one of her buttocks, pressing her against his growing desire. The other hand twisted into her hair, angling her head for better access. Scully ran her hands, cool and tiny under his shirt, feeling the soft, heat seared skin. Her touch sending shivers through out his body. Mulder broke their embrace, his breath labored and ragged from desire. He spoke in a low, dark and husky tone, "If you want to stop, tell me now." Scully shook her head, taking his hand in hers, and backed up to the bed. Mulder walked over with her, winked wickedly, "Oh, Yeah", his voice mirroring his intent. She slid back on the bed, her back meeting the pillows against the headboard. She cocked him a patented Skullyannoyed look and said in her best sexy voice "Stop talking G-man, let you fingers do the walking." She proceeded to rip her shirt over her head, her full beautiful coral tipped breasts falling free. "Oh, God...", he said with a loud gulp, his jaw dropping. She chuckled softly as she lifted her hips and hooked her thumbs into her jeans, and pulled them off, bringing her panties with them. She laid down and spread her shapely legs slightly to reveal her auburn colored curls to him. She cocked her head slightly, bending her finger slightly saying, "Come here big boy." Mulder was fascinated and totally turned on by what he saw. Her beautiful body lay there waiting for him, << Give me strength >> He thought to himself. He felt his groin tighten more, as he began to tear off his clothes, at lighting speed, and crawled on to the edge of the bed. Scully gulped at the size of him, erect, bobbing slightly up and down. She had very limited sexual experience and the sight frightened her yet at the same time caused moisture to flood her core. She gathered some semblance of courage and said, " What are you staring at G-man." A very aroused, slightly amused Mulder quipped, "You are so damned beautiful.." Scully blushed profusely, and smiled brightly, taking his breath away. << She needs to smile like that more >> He thought to himself. Scully said in a teasing tone, "My, what a nice.... Mmmm...gun you have." Her eyes twinkling brightly. Mulder crawled across the bed like a tiger ready to pounce on his prey saying growlingly "Be very afraid, its loaded, It might go off." Scully shifted her hips uncomfortably, a welcome invitation. "Mmmm...That was what I was hoping for. Mulder came up to her face, and smiled as he touched her lips, and said "I aims to please." Scully rolled her eyes in the back of her head, laughing loudly "Keep going G-man." Mulder leaned over to her, his lips near hers, saying very softly "I'm really going to make those eyes of yours roll in the back of your head." "Promises, promises", she chuckled softly as their lips met. This time the kiss from the beginning was out of control, his hands running over her sensitive curves, tickling her here, rubbing there, tracing a path crazily along her scattered freckles. Scully reached up and tangled her hands in his hair, pulling them so close that they were one entity. Mulder broke free of her lips to lick a path down her where his fingers once were. His hands gently squeezed her breasts, rubbing the hardened tips roughly. Scully tipped her head back, her tongue licking her dry lips, moaning in pleasure loudly, tightening her grip in his hair. "Oh, Mmmmm....yes....Mmmmm..." Mulder chuckled gently saying quietly, "Well if you like that, you will love this." He took one nipple in the mouth, nipping and sucking it gently as he flicked it gently with his tongue, as he brought his other hand down to probe her center's moist depths. Scully moaned loudly, involuntarily thrusting her hips against him, early lifting her off the bed. He continued his gentle ministrations on her breasts as his thumb rubbed her small bud, and two fingers slid into her depths. "Oh, Jesus Christ!" Oh..." She screamed loudly, taken by surprise. Her eyes fluttered shut, overwhelmed. Mulder thrust his fingers in her once again, his desire fanning brightly. Her calling out, her obvious desire evidenced by her clutching the bedclothes and thrashing about, turning him into a raving lunatic. She was so responsive, so erotic. He could barely think. << She is so hot and wet >> He thought to himself. Scully continued to moan and thrash about. Sex had never been like this before in her life. It was blowing her mind. Before it was like just going through the actions, hoping it would soon be over. However now she hoped it would never end. << Now it's so...so... fucking wonderful >> She thought to herself giddily. She could feel herself reaching a point of no return, where she knew she would just blow apart into a thousand pieces. "Oh, Fox, Mmmm. So closesoclose." The use of his given name indicated her need. He moved his mouth from her swollen breast and began to trace a path down the flat planes of her abdomen, tracing the freckles ever so carefully as he made his way down to his intended target, he waited for her response. Scully vaguely knew what was coming and spoke barely able to form words, " I never...I don't..."Her voices full of genuine fear. Mulder looked at her, her eyes saying what she was barely able to articulate. " It's ok, I got you, you can let go..." he said his voice full of love. She nodded hesitantly, giving herself over to his care, knowing he would never hurt her. He put his nose to her, smelling the arousal he had elicited. He licked his lips and said seductively, " I wonder if you taste as good as you smell." His dark mysterious eyes, glinting mischievously. He picked up one of her pale slender legs, and draped it over his shoulder, while pushing the other up and out. " You are so warm and wet, I could lose myself in you ", he then parted her folds and touched his tongue to her swollen bud. "Oh my God!" she screamed loudly, her hips clearing the mattress. She was in total bliss, other men had offered, but she was never comfortable with it, to out of control, to submissive. Her mind was so overwhelmed she couldn't form a single cohesive thought. As he licked and sucked on her, she ground her hips closer to his mouth, to increase the friction. She was writhing madly, moaning out unintelligible sounds loudly, totally out of control as she got closer to the edge. "Oh, God I'm sososos..", she panted wildly and with that he sucked on her clit and shot two fingers inside of her and pumped in and out quickly. Suddenly, her world exploded about her, her release sending little flashes of light through her mind. " Fox!" she screamed loudly as she came. Mulder held her body down as she thrashed through the wave, till all of the tremors were gone. After a few moments her lucidity returned to her and she found him up near her face, placing butterfly kisses on her ear. Mulder looked at her, seeing clouds of desire floating across her eyes. He winked and said seductively," I thought I felt the world move on that one." Scully smiled languidly and nodded saying breathlessly, "Oh Yeah" She closed her eyes for a moment, allowing the afterglow envelope her like a warm breeze. Scully's peace was interrupted by restless movement next to her, she opened her eyes and noticed him shifting uncomfortably, his erection driving him to distraction. Scully smiled, a billion watt smile that could light up the heavens and said, " You may have felt the earth move G-Man, But I am going to rock your world." With that she pushed him over on his back and began sucking on his ear. Mulder moaned softly, his heart racing faster than before. Scully, gently nipped at it, sending shivers running through his body. Scully laughed gently and began nipping her way down his neck, caressing the smooth skin and tendons along the way. Her hand ran across his nipples, brushing them softly, the other began stroking his hard maleness. Mulder grabbed her hands and held them tight, his eyes smoky, dilated, meeting her brilliant blue. Scully arched an eyebrow and said quietly, "Why did you...?" He interrupted her, his voice silky smooth and slow, " If you don't stop I am going to embarrass myself." "Oh," she said with surprise and smiled seductively as her hand found him again, her fingers wrapped around his throbbing organ. Mulder jumped screaming in half pain, half pleasure, " Oh God!" Scully was then caught by surprise as he rolled both of them over so she was on her back. She unconsciously parted her legs, inviting him to her. Mulder insinuated himself there and thrust himself in her, finding some resistance. "Oh!" she howled. Mulder looked into her eyes, tears of pain pooling there. "Dana, am I hurting you?", he asked softly. She smiled weakly saying "It'sokay, it has been a long time and you are so big." Mulder chuckled in relief, and thrust again into her tight wet folds, then he have her a moment to adjust he paused, causing her to moan this time. He said "You really know how to flatter a guy." Scully looked at him, taking his face in her hands saying, " If you don't get back to work, I'm gonna have to shoot you again..." Mulder looked at her, smiling wickedly saying, "Yes Ma'am" and with that he thrust again, this time causing her to arch her back and come back at him. Mulder bent down his head and buried it in her shoulder, her damp hair caressing his face. After a few moments of exploration, they found themselves a rhythm matching the pounding of their beating hearts. After a few moments Mulder's breathing was becoming erratic, sweat was beginning to run of his rippling chest, caressing her, mixing with hers, even their very existence was trying to become one. His face was strongly focused on the moment at hand, all the pain of the world they lived in forgotten as they finally made their partnership, their friendship, live up to what they had been dreaming of all of these years. Mulder looked down at his soulmate, his extension of his being, her auburn hair spilling all around her, as she moaned, writhed beneath him. Her breath was also becoming labored. She opened her desire filled eyes, sapphire on fire with the rays of the sun, and said hesitantly. "Oh, God, I'm, Mmmm, soclose,soclose" At this point her speech became unintelligible, she gripped his firm undulating buttocks, urging him on << Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, he is so good, I feel good, Oh God, is this man talented >> Mulder sensed her urgency, and lifted her legs over his shoulders, just at the right angle to hit her cervix just right, Scully began to shudder violently, and with one of his long, slender fingers, he snuck in between their joined slapping bodies, and gently touched her bundle of nerves there, rubbing it up and down, saying in a growl " Give it to me baby, don't hold back ". Scully's desire was now totally out of control. Her moans become louder and louder, until she was screaming at the top of her lungs, her lilting voice filling the lonely room with beauty. " Oh, my God, Oh God, Fox, yes. " And with that she fell over the edge, her body spasming in release, her mind floating out of her body into the warm waters of oblivion. At the moment she fell over, Fox come crashing over with her, his release sending his warmth inside of her. He was so overwhelmed at the feelings he was feeling at that moment, he had glimpsed heaven, even if only for a moment, and if he wasn't a believer before, he was now. After a few moments, both of them found themselves trying to catch their breath, they lay their entwined like infinity, like the Alpha and Omega, part of one another, as it had been the beginning is now and ever shall be. Their hearts slowed together in time, like a beautiful symphony, as their breath melded as one. Mulder rolled of and pulled her to his sweat glistened chest and pressed a kiss in her damp hair. She began to shiver, so he reached over with one long arm and pulled the bedclothes over them, saying "Your shivering Dana." She nodded quietly, and drew even closer to her sharing his warmth, saying "Thanks Fox." The use of his given name sending shivers through him also. Mulder found himself drifting off, his contentment and utter peace giving him release to do so. Scully, mumbled gently, " I love you Fox, always." She gently buried her head in his chest as she fell with him. Mulder stroked her coppery hair, and replied with a smile, " I love you too Dana, my love, Always." They slept the sleep of the innocents, truly engulfed in the peace they gave one another. She had finally heard those three little words... The End.