sunday, november 3, 2002

I am often torn in trying to understand where and how God wants me to serve Him and His people. In college, I had been so involved in every aspect of ministry � serving the fellowship, the small groups, the praise band, the community, the church, the leaders, the staff � it had become my life. I finally had to question what my motivation was � was it to please the Lord or was it to please the people? In my heart, I knew the answer. And so I stepped down and out of ministry.

It�s been over two years now, and I can hear the Lord beckoning me to serve again. And my reply to Him is always, �I�m not ready. I have nothing to give. Nothing to offer. Lord, I�m afraid.�

But He works in and through our lives anyway.

Somewhat on a tangent . . . in April of this past year, my heart was cold and unfeeling. I could feel my spiritual life being sucked away by the apathy, but the Lord saved me from completely drowning in it. For the next couple months, I prayed diligently for something I was afraid to ask before.

"Lord, would you break me? Humble me and mold me to be more like You.�

The last time I asked for that, I found myself in a hospital for 11 days, undergoing 3 major operations, months of physical therapy, and years of financial burden. For months, I wasn't able to run around from one meeting to another, doing this and doing that the way I had been. I was forced to sit still in His presence, and it was exactly what I needed. And though ultimately I was blessed by the Lord�s deliverance, I was not quite ready to ever ask for that again (at least not without being specific � i.e. no physical breaking, please.)

So I'm not sure what I was thinking back in April of this year, but I know the Lord�s been answering my prayer. Life had been so perfect and dandy, leaving me complacent and dry in my spiritual life. Then by the end of summer and through a series of painful events, I experienced heartbreak and sadness like no other. I could hardly wake up in the mornings without feeling my heart would shatter in a million pieces; the pain and hurt so suffocating, I could barely breathe properly. It pierced every part of my being.

I asked the Lord to take the hurt away.

Over time, He healed those wounds and made me realize He is the one I need to place my trust and hope in. And I'm reminded that whatever circumstances may occur in my life, He will be there.

My prayer is that I will be just as faithful.

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Copyright � 2002 Rachel Young