Currently listening to:
�Little Chang, Big City� by Seam
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Can you read this? Me neither.
No, it's not Korean. It's not Chinese. It's not Greek or Hebrew. The above is what my beautiful penmanship (in English, mind you) looks like at 4 o'clock in the morning when I'm trying to scribble down everything I can remember from a dream while I'm still half-asleep. It's not a pretty sight. And I'm lucky if I can even decipher what the heck I wrote the very next morning.
This is a perfect allegory of my life lately. One day, I feel like I've finally got everything figured out. I know exactly what's going on when it's happening. I know what I want, where I'm going, and who the reflection is staring back at me in the mirror. Then the next morning I wake up, it's all a blur, and I'm totally clueless. With frustration, I start over and try to figure out what it all means.
My best friend of over 12 years said something to me tonight that hit me like a brick: "I'm just beginning to understand you." I don't know what is in the air these days or what my friends are high on, but lately, they've taken it upon themselves to be brutally honest with me. And it's opened up my eyes to see who I am in a new light. I'm slowly beginning to understand why I am the way I am.
Here's a quick laundry list of things that have become clearer to me:
why I say and do certain things that don't make sense to other people
why I don't say or don't do some things that would make complete sense to most people
why I appear to be very distant at times
why friends think I don't value their friendship when in fact, I do treasure it more than anything else in my life
why I don't place high expectations on others and in return don't expect others to expect much out of me (did that make sense?)
why I don't take most things too seriously and can appear to have a nonchalant attitude toward everything
why I take a few things and ponder on it endlessly and beat it til I've lost all sense of what the initial issue was at hand
why I can be such a loner sometimes and find it exhausting to be around people for an extended period and yet seem to be the most boisterous, outgoing girl in the crowd
And this is just a short list. I realize I have a mentality and a way of thinking that contradicts itself nine times out of ten. And yet I am very sincere and mean what I say when I say it. Maybe the problem is I don't say it clearly enough. I drive myself absolutely nuts trying to figure it all out, and recently, I've become acutely aware that it has the same effect on my friends. I'm just different. Of course all of us are, but some are more so than others. My friends always tell me I'm "unique", which is just their nice way of saying I'm a weirdo.
Hmm. It's a good thing that the above entry from my dream log isn't legible. You might end up agreeing with my friends if you knew what it probably said. I emphasize "probably" because I still haven't figured out what the heck I wrote that day. But I'm taking it bit by bit, word by word and hopefully it'll all start to make sense to me.
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