Currently pondering over:
Curiosity can bring guts out of hiding at times, maybe even get them going. But curiosity usually evaporates. Guts have to go for the long haul. Curiosity�s like a fun friend you can�t really trust. It turns you on and then it leaves you to make it on your own�with whatever guts you can muster.
-The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Huraki Murakami
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Maybe I�m just gutless. There�s an abundance (and maybe even overflow) of curiosity. But no guts. Seems I�m missing a lot of things that need to go hand in hand in order for it to be effective. I have heart but no brains. Gusto with no gust. Ambition without talent. Faith without trust.
Maybe it�s near that time (I haven�t bothered keeping track the past couple months). Everything just seems to be miserable right now. I wish I could just go away and not see anyone for a while. Or maybe it�s just that I don�t want anyone to see me like this.
It�s funny. I always wonder if other people ever feel the same way or if it�s just me. Then again, I realize most people don�t talk about their moments of despair and weakness candidly or openly. We�ve been conditioned to put up our strong front. Stoic even. Nothing in the world ever bothers us, and if it does, we pack it in our back pockets and forget it�s even there (like my cousin Big J and his wallet).
I told myself I would be more discreet about what I share both online and in person. I suppose I have become more private over the years, but I don�t see anything wrong with that. I guess it�s just keeping up with this enthusiastic, optimistic, cheery, funny, carefree, independent girl image 24-7 which is exhausting. Though I am generally very happy and content, and it�s rare for me to get upset or moody over most things. I won�t complain about the empty roll of toilet paper in our bathroom, or be distraught over the fact he�s ten minutes late, or worry when I don�t hear from someone for a couple weeks, or even curse at the person who just cut me off (although I might mumble a thing or two under my breath). But in those few occasions when I am upset and I am down, I�m really down.
I retreat from the world outside. I lock myself in my room. And if I do go out, it�s for an exhausting run or a long drive until I�ve run out of gas in both scenarios. I lose my appetite and won�t eat for days. I escape into a world of tragic novels and depressing music. I won�t talk to friends or family for days (and since I am feeling this way lately, please don�t be concerned with the lack of communication over the next few days). I pray to God but it�s always the same conversation when I�m down. �Why?� �What�s going on?� �I don�t understand.� �I know I need to trust you.� �I�m sorry.� �Thank you.�
And then I write and write and write. There are many pages of the journals I�ve kept over the years which are stained with tears and filled with raw emotion. More so then than now. Growing up, I rarely knew happiness. This was not a reflection of the household I grew up in (my family is wonderful), but more so because of the uncertainty and confusion of what this life and this world meant to me and how I fit into the grand scheme of things. My mother always told me as I was growing up that my problem was I think too much. I know she�s right.
Maybe that�s why my sister and others would like to get inside my head. Not because there�s anything really intriguing or captivating going on in this big noggin of mine. But because there is no order. No logic. No reasoning. And smart, logical, and reasonable people probably wonder how the heck someone like me survives in this world.
It beats me, but I make do somehow (actually I know for certain it's only by the grace of God. Otherwise, I'd be a total lunatic).
Funny. In a few days from now, I�m sure I�ll be as carefree as ever, and I�ll be laughing and acting all goofy and stupid again. And had it not been for this entry, no one would have known any differently.
Initially, in the beginning phases of my online journal which I started over a year ago, I had no hesitations about writing entries like these (but you won't find an archive of those past entries anywhere). But over time, I realize there is an audience who reads this and I'm more aware and careful of what I say and how I say it. But you know what? Maybe someone out there needs to know someone over here is feeling the same way they do.
And that's my only justification in sharing this not-so-cheery entry. That and the fact it takes an ounce of gut to be so candid. And I'm slowly trying to make up for being so gutless.
Later . . .
Ok. So I lied about not eating for days. Ignoring the 20 cavities residing in my mouth, I'm munching on Starbursts. I love chewy candy. It's my obsession and my vice. But the cool thing is this new pack of Starbursts has apple flavor! And there's a vote going on: apple in, lemon out. So click here and be sure to vote for apple because it's soooo much better than lemon.
Yum.
Now if only the rest of life could be this simple.
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