| Well its been awhile since i wrote or updated anything here. As you already know i have been diagnosed gender dysphoric. (IF YOU DONT READ FROM THE BEGGINING IT WILL MAKE MORE SENSE). Well i confronted one of my good friends with it. She looked into my eyes and told me i disgusted her and she never wanted to see me again. Well that night i went home and must have cried for hours. I diecieded to put Racheal in the cuboard and leave her there. I even grew a beard and started dressing dead butch/skally again. Im sat here now looking like a bloke (Ugly thought i know) . Why did i put Racheal in the cuboard im now asking myself. I cant really hide myself from who i a really am can I. I have tried so hard over the past few weeks and it just hurts me more. But i cant lose my friends they are most important things in my life. Im young i know but i cant lose the people i care about and care about me. My family took me coming out to be Bisexual to them pretty well my Mum is ok, My other sister is fine, My brothers seem fine, And my dad is dubious but wants me to be happy, im still not ready to tell them about Racheal. How can i be happy??? I can be who i want to be but risk Predjuice, Hate, Fear, and losing the people i love the most. There is one key realtive who i am closer to than my mother and father it would break his heart to find out about me. I cant risk losing him, he only has a few years left, which in its own hurts me to think, but thats a few more years of waiting in hurt. I have tried to shut me off completly and i cant do it. No matter how hard i try i know who i am inside i cant hide myself but at the momment i have to. I cant completly turn my back on myself eithier. Damn this is so confusing the years of hurt, want, confusion i have experianced bring me no more to an answer than when i was born. Religion has lost all bounds for me, If there was such a supreme being why would he/she allow to be in so much mental pain. Well i suppose i can go back to being semi-femmine but that is not enough once the box is opened its hard to close. Sorry i got lost in myself there. If you are experiancing the same anguish and pain i am all i can say is there is no answer just deal with it the best way you can. I feel so lonely yes there are girls like me on the Gay Village in manchester but they are much older than me, I havent really experianced anyone my age who is going through the same experiance i am. Im sorry to bore you with this but at least i can share my pain, joy and pleasure for those intrested. You may see me as a freak, Remember, I didnt ask for this all i know is i have it, to me its a gift!!! |