do i want to indulge all my impulses? just a few of my impulses? how would i choose which ones? would there be consequesnces that i would not like? would i get a bad reputation? would i feel bad about myself? is it possible to get hurt? would i hurt people in the process? how can i justify hurting people? am i really a hedonist? or do i want more than temporary satisfaction? am i nothing more than a sexual creature? do i want to have someone committed to me? to want to be with me and only me? do i want to be commited to someone else? and see only them? do i want to deny myself the pleasures of being with someone else? who else? do i really want to be seen as primarily a sexual creature? can i avoid it? what would sex do for me anyway? what do i get out of it? do i just get the temporary physical satisafactions and release? or do i get a false sense of being loved? Isn't that what i really want? deep down..just to be loved? or would i prefer to be worshiped? if i want worship i will have to find a new worshipper each time the last one finds out that i am not a godess. Do i want to have to do that? is that true worship? Do i even want that? Am i considering indulging my impulses becasue i am afraid of that seemingly inevitable desire to "settle down" and that doesn't fit into my plan for myself? Why am i having all these impulses in the first place? what is going on inside me? am i merely at an exploratry stage? or is it a defense mechanism? There is nothing wrong with being found attractive, nothing wrong with being attracted to others. What am i doing? Why do I allow things to go get to ceratin point and then cut it off? why don't i either not allow it at all, or go all the way? In my currently committed state, i should not allow it all, as an honor to the committement. But since i am enjoying the "it", perhaps that means that i should allow it. So, if i give up the committent for less "serious" things, what then? Then do i go around sleeping with anyone i feel like? What would that do for me? It would be quite a juggle. And has the possiblity of being a dishonest juggle. I mean, suppose that half of the people i sleep with were to think that they wanted me and only me, and that i should be with only them. Well, then, in the illusion of being loved (which IS what i really want), i committ to them, and whaolah! i am back where i started. Committing because i think i am being loved, and loving in return (it is easy for me to love), only to discover that my "lover" finds out that i am not a goddess after all, the magic has worn off and i no longer feel loved, so we start the process all over again. Thus begins the never ending cycle of indulgence, mistaken committment and false sense of being loved, then the death of the romance, and the search once again, and the indulgence. What is the alternative, is what i want to know? Stay committed, thinking that i am loved, even if i don't feel it all the time, giving my love, and deny all others who would find me attractive and vice versa? Or, stay committed, realizing that i am not truely loved, but still giving my love (god it is really too easy for me to love someone), but allow a frustrating amount of flirting and temptaion in my life, thereby being dishonest with the person have given my word of commitment to? I don't think that is really an option. Do i just go around, indulging my sexual impulses until one of my partners loves me? And what do i mean by love? If i mean the kind of love i am giving, what is that? its not a worshipping kind of love. its an unconditioal kind of love. i think. No it is. i love unconditionally, whether or not i am loved in return. But why do i do that? Hmm...i can't help it. I care about the person, love them for who they are, the things they have accomplished, the things they are struggling with, the things they have yet to overcome. Its a pure appreciation for who they are. But there is something else i give to...what is it? Its a power i suppose. A power to make me feel loved by someone outside myself. And if they do that for me once, or a few times, then i am prone to believing that they will continue to do so. Thats what i want. I want to feel like that all the time. Which is not to say that i am not capable, or do not, love myself. I see all the wonderful things about me. I just don't really believe that someone else could, or would try to. i believe that they see and appreciate one aspect of me, or selected aspects of me, but when the blinders come off, they can not continue to love those things because they are now faced with all of me, good and bad. That is very sad i think. For both me and them. And i think that the way i handle this doesn't work. I tell them, look you like all these thinks, but there is more to me than that. I am not perfect, etc. But i am now thinking that they have to discover those things for themselves. So, the real question is do i go along for the ride and see which path they take? It seems like a pretty hit or miss scenario. And if its a miss, then what? then i get hurt again. Why am i so concerned with being hurt? Its not that i mind so much if things don't work out. Its is more that lately, since i have been creating (art) so much, my emotions are more raw, more exposed. When i get upset, lately, i am not the rational, calm person i used to be. I react without thinking. I become a raw, pure nerve, and i lash out, verbally, at the thing or person that has upset me. And this bothers me because it is a rollercoaster, and i've been on that rollercoaster, and i am exhausted. I want to be able to just relax now, and not be on guard for my fragile emotions anymore. And i am committed, so, for now, i think i will stay that way, and see all the flirting and attraction for what it is now, a drug. Its a feel-good drug. So thats what i want right now. To relax, get off the rollercoaster, to not be on guard. If my partner does not truely love me, fine, that is okay. It is. He cares, i know this, and being cared for is love. And i am enjoying giving him my love. And that is what matters. *whew!*
