Part Three

The kitchen, as Duo discovered, was at the other end of the bedroom hallway.  Duo had just gone the wrong direction.  He walked back past the other boy�s rooms, and heard very distinct and interesting noises coming from Quatre and Trowa�s bedroom.  Duo paused for a moment, listened to the moaning, giggled, and quickly bounded past.  He stopped in front of the bedroom he shared with Heero, and opened the door just slightly.  Heero was asleep; clutching his pillow and twitching like a dog having a chasing dream.  Duo smiled at the innocent look that this mainly cold boy had.  He shut the door once more and continued on toward the kitchen.

As he reached the doorway of the pristine kitchen, he paused and marveled at the cleanliness of the entire room.  If someone could remedy that, it was Duo, no question.  Every bowl and every utensil had been sanitized multiple times thanks to Quatre, who was huge neat freak.  Duo beamed like a Cheshire cat and jumped into the room with glee.  He searched through the cabinets, drawers and refrigerator, searching for anything that looked mildly interesting and ripping it out of its spot.  Soon he had a huge pile of tools and food piled on the range in the middle of the kitchen.

Duo stood back and surveyed his handiwork.  Everything from Avocados and Alfredo to Zebra Flank were piled with a myriad of cookware.  In fact the only items that weren�t in the disaster on the island were: the industrial sized mixer that was too heavy to lift, and a 3 year old Tupperware of tapioca that Duo had discovered behind the refrigerator.  He had firmly decided that anything that had more hair than the Lightning Count, certainly wasn�t to be consumed by a human.  So he had put on yellow rubber gloves and used the salad tongs to move the hairy, stinking, greenish mass into WuFei�s cabinet.  �That should be fun to watch when he tries to find a snack!�  Duo giggled to himself at the mental picture of WuFei�s reaction.

�Now, cook book, cook book, cook book, where�s the goddam cook book?�  He said, thinking to himself aloud.  He found �Cooking for Dummies� in a forgotten corner of the kitchen behind the breadbox.  Duo looked for some section labeled �Breakfast�, but discovered that there wasn�t a single recipe for any breakfast type food anywhere in the entire book.  He shrugged and tossed the cookbook over his shoulder, and was surprised by a horrible shredding noise behind him.  The young pilot whirled around, his braid cracking like a whip, his hands moving protectively up so that he was ready to fight.  More than one surprise attack from the other pilots had trained him well.

Duo�s jaw dropped and he began to giggle as he realized he was not being ambushed at all.  Shreds of paper and cardboard were flying about the kitchen, he had thrown the cookbook into the garbage disposal.  Fragments of the destroyed book rained down like snow, covering everything in the spotless kitchen.  Duo twirled a couple of times, pretending that it actually was snowing, rather than the horrible mess that was forming.  But the ever so zealous pilot got a little carried away in his make-believe, and tried to catch a �snowflake� on his tongue.  �YUCK!�, he exclaimed, spitting out the tiny bits of paper that had fallen into his mouth.  �Real smart Maxwell.  You�re just lucky no one else was here to see it.�, he chided himself.

Duo shook his head and tried to think of what things the other boys had made for breakfast in the past.  He cocked his head back, put his thumb and index finger along his jaw, and parted his lips ever so slightly to reveal his tongue pressing into the corner of his mouth.  After about a minute, he realized he was beginning to get a headache.  He turned around to face the mountain of food on the range behind him, thinking that perhaps he would get ideas from the ingredients laid before him.  The young pilot surveyed the food, and found that he was not getting any ideas fast.

�What have I eaten for breakfast?�  He said, thinking aloud.  Chocolate came to mind.  Lots and lots of chocolate.  Soon Duo was standing in the middle of the kitchen with a smitten look on his face as he thought of different kinds of chocolate.  �Chocolate cake, chocolate fudge��  he mumbled to himself.  Suddenly Duo noticed as slight wetness on his chin.  He looked down to see that he had been drooling all over himself, and a soggy puddle had formed over his boots.  He cursed under his breath as he reached over for a dishtowel and wiped off his shoes.  Ok Duo, you can do this.  You can!  And if you don�t, god, you won�t get any for a long time!  With this new looming threat of loosing the only sexual gratification he ever got, Duo was newly motivated.

He thought back to the breakfast Heero had made for him on his birthday.  Breakfast in bed, he giggled to himself, and then found himself thinking about the occurrences that had taken place after breakfast.  The warm feeling of Heero�s body against his, Heero�s mouth, his back, his warm embrace his�Duo Maxwell, you are stronger than this!  If you don�t stop fantasizing right now, that�s all you�re going to be doing for the next month!  He chided his lustful thoughts, and tried very hard to focus on breakfast and breakfast alone.  Who was the one person in the house that he could think about without fantasizing about�WUFEI!!!

A large grin suddenly covered Duo�s pink lips.  There was no way in hell he could ever think about Wufei sexually, he was straight for goodness sake!  He thought hard back a month, when Wufei had woken everyone up, screaming in his sleep about Trieze stealing his porn collection.  Duo giggled some more as he thought about this.  Wufei had bawled his eyes out in his sleep.  And then made oaths on Trieze�s life afterward.  The other pilots had stood around him, as he slept on the floor, and watched intently until Wufei promptly awoke.

The wiry pilot giggled to himself again as he thought about this.  What had happened next�Wufei had made breakfast!!  Duo beamed in delight and suppressed the vehement urge to jump up and down excitedly.  Instead he tried to think of what Wufei had made.  �EGGS!!�  He shouted aloud.  Duo ran over to his menagerie of food on the range, and began to search wildly for eggs.  He threw whatever food product or utensil that got in his way over his shoulder in his overly zealous search for eggs.  �A-ha!  There you are!�  He smiled broadly.  Well, now I have the main course.  On to the side dishes!

Duo was actually beginning to enjoy himself immensely as he prepared breakfast.  He pretended he was a marvelous chef, who had to make a gargantuan meal to save his life from the evil soldiers that held him captive.  If the meal was not good enough, they blew up Shinigami before his very eyes, and then jettisoned his soulless body into outer space.  �MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!� he laughed evilly, �You�ll never take me alive you evil soldiers!�  He shouted at the empty kitchen. 

Suddenly, he realized someone was pounding, and none-to-quietly, on the ceiling.  Duo could have punched himself in the face as he realized the kitchen was directly below the room he shared with Heero.  He quickly wished he had remembered the wonderful smells that floated through his dorm room floor when he had been searching for this room.  And then instantaneously realized that someone was still banging on his floor, the kitchen ceiling.

�What the hell are you doing down there?  Soldiers?  Is something happening to you?!  DUO!!??  Are you all right!!??�  Heero�s voice was becoming frantic and filled with concern.  Duo played with the notion of convincing Heero that he really was  being attacked, and then winced in pain at the bruise on his arm that remained from the last time he had tried to trick Heero, and thought better of it.

�I-I�m f-f-fine!�  He said, hurried and embarrassed.

�Well, what the hell are you doing?  It shouldn�t take you this long to make breakfast!  Are you down there with someone?�

�N-n-no!�  His face reddening, even though he knew that Heero was unable to see him.

�Well then who are you talking to?�  Heero asked, his voice confused and slightly amused.

�I�m, well I�m�,� he trailed off.

�What?�

�Nothing!  I�m making breakfast like I was told!�  He yelled back up through the ceiling.

�Well, I hope you�re almost done, we�re going to be downstairs in about ten minutes.  Ok Duo?�  Silence.  �Duo?�

�Wha?  Ok, yeah, ten minutes!  I�ll be waiting.�  He heard Heero�s footsteps subside down the hallway.  �SHIT!� he screamed to no one in particular.  Duo frantically began to once again ransack the kitchen in search of something he could make edible.  He ripped a frying pan out from a nearby counter a shoved the eggs he had discovered, shells and all, into it.  He lit the gas stove and shoved the pan on top of it.

Twirling around, his eyes found some bread.  Toast, he thought to himself.  Not thinking, he grabbed several slices of bread, lit another burner on the stove, and shoved the bread on top of it.  Lifting his face to sigh exasperatedly at the ceiling, his upturned nose found a smell, a most unpleasant and rancid odor.  �FUCK!  THE EGGS!�, he screamed.  Unable to find a pot mitt, he grabbed the handle of the skillet.  White-hot pain shot through his hand and up into his shoulder.  �FUCK!!!� he yelled again, throwing the skillet on the floor in pain.

Duo discovered that it was becoming harder and harder to breathe in the kitchen.  Oh no, what now?  The young pilot stared in horror at the other burner and saw orange flames lapping at the ceiling above.  Reaching behind him, Duo grabbed the first thing that felt remotely like a bottle of liquid.   He swiftly threw it on the flames and was appalled to see the flames shoot higher into the air.

�WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO MY KITCHEN!!!!????�, Wufei screamed, incredulous.  All four pilots were squashed into the doorway, Wufei with his dagger at hand.  The Chinese pilot�s face was red with fury.  �WELL, WHAT IN NATAKU�S NAME DID YOU DO!?�

Duo fought the urge to giggle at the mention of Nataku, and then realized the gravity of the situation.  �Well, umm�yasee, what happened was�I got food and�well the eggs�I hurt my hand,� he showed a wounded paw to the boys, but none of them seemed to care.  �And then�toast and�big fire�water, got bigger!�  Duo was hysterical as he held out his other hand, which held a bottle.

�You idiot!�  Trowa finally spoke, �That�s cooking oil, not water, good luck trying to put out a fire with that!�

�My-m-m-my k-k-k-k-kitchen.  Clean, and now.� Quatre�s face fell.  He tried to sit down, but Trowa instead gathered him up in his arms, turned, and walked up the stairs with him.  Wufei still sat in the corner, spluttering with rage, but unable to grasp any whole words.  Finally he threw his hands in the air, and stalked out of the room.

Heero made sure that the other boys were out of earshot before he rushed over to Duo.  The braided pilot was sitting on the floor, clutching his burned hand a whimpering softly.  �I-I just wanted to help.�  He said, crestfallen.

Heero walked over and kneeled next to him, and pulled him into his lap.  �Shhhh, it�s ok.  No one�s angry with you.�  He said soothingly in an attempt to pacify the chestnut haired pilot.

�That�s not true!�  He said, beginning to cry, �They�re all mad at me cause I woke them up and I made a mess and-and-and,� Duo began to sob, then wail, �I RUINED BREAKFAST!!!!�  Heero began to rock Duo back and forth, and his cries began to subceed.

�I�ll have a, a,�  Heero struggled to say the word, �Talk,� he sighed, �With the other guys, and I�ll see what we can do, ok?�  He looked in Duo�s eyes with almost a smile on his stone face.  Duo nodded, and Heero kissed him on the cheek.  The boys stood up and walked up the stairs after the others.

When becoming a master cook
On the labels of bottles, do look
Unless you�re like Duo
Who caused such a stew, OH
It shall be written, perhaps in a book
(Unless that book is torn to shreds in a garbage disposal)
(And people happen to think it�s snow)
(And they try to eat it)
(Because then you won�t be able to read it anyways so it won�t matter whether or not it ever was in a book so you should probably just forget about it and go on with your life)