By Robin Perelle

For a society that bombards us with sexual images, it is astonishing to see just how few of these images depict mutually consensual, safer sex scenarios.
Flip on the TV, turn on the radio. From the songs that we unthinkingly hum when we brush our teeth in the morning, to the shows that shadow our daily lives, the images projected are pretty consistent.
C'mon baby, let's lose control. Ooh, I want you, I don't know if I need you, but oooooh I'm dying to find out. I smell sex and candy.
These are just some of the images that define mainstream sexuality -- setting the standards of what's hot and jeopardizing the lives of every sexually active person in our society.
How many of us grow up thinking that heterosexual sex is hot and gay sex is sick and gross? Big surprise. The majority of mainstream images degrade queers, queer relationships and queer sex almost every chance they get.
There's scant support out there for those of us who don't match the images, and even fewer safer sex resources.
But our society's portrayal of sex is more than just homophobic.
Most supposedly hot sex scenes leave little room for communication, let alone positive queer content or condoms.
In fact, most sex scenes are just plain humanphobic, if you ask me.
Think about it. How many supposedly "romantic" scenes feature a man forcibly seizing a woman, pulling her to him, and then pushing her onto the bed for some supposedly hot, desperate sex?

How many times, during those scenes, do the man and woman actually talk to each other, or stop to ask each other how they're feeling? How often do they stop to discuss their previous sexual activities or even pause to put on a condom?
With "straight" models like these, being left out of the script almost feels like a gift.

But that doesn't have to be the only script.
There are many ways of having sex, and many of them can be much safer than the ones just described. Because sex can be fun and passionate, and even desperately passionate, and feel safe to everyone involved.
Because safer sex begins with dismantling and discarding the scripts and images that surround us. Whether you're straight, gay, lesbian, bi, or other, safer sex begins with acknowledging who turns you on and what works for you (and your partner). Safer sex begins with having sex when you and your partner(s) want to, and not when you don't.
Because if you choose to have sex, no matter who you choose to have sex with, all of your choices deserve to be respected, and you deserve to have as safe and pleasurable an experience as possible.
And if you choose not to have sex, no amount of latex can make an unwanted sexual encounter safe.

Which brings us to Rule Number One of our 8-Step Guide to Safer Sex: You get to choose what kinds of sex or sexual practices work for you, when and with whom.

Rule Number 2: Your lover has the same rights and deserves the same respect.

Rule Number 3: Communicate.
Contrary to mainstream movie wisdom, talking to your lover while having sex does not spoil the mood. In fact, it can enhance the intimacy and make the whole experience more enjoyable for both of you.
It may feel scary to say what you want, and you may feel awkward asking your lover if she/he/ze wants to be kissed right there, but it's worth it. You and your lover both deserve to be touched where it feels good and not where it doesn't. So talk to each other.
Over time you may even find all kinds of exciting ways to tell each other what you want -- but one reliable way is all you need.

Rule Number 4: You don't have to rush.
You don't have to "prove" you're gay, bi, lesbian, straight or anything else to anyone. There's a lot of pressure in our society to "go all the way," to have intercourse, to stop holding hands and "get on with it." But that's as much a script as anything else, and it shouldn't get to define your needs or your schedule. You get to define what "having sex" means to you.
As Ellen Bass and Kate Kaufman, the authors of Free Your Mind say, "Don't allow yourself to be pressured into sex you aren't sure you want. Listen to your body, listen to your heart, listen to your mind... Kissing, hugging, touching, and all the rest of being intimate should feel good. If it doesn't feel good, don't do it. If you feel rushed, scared, unsure, or just don't like it -- STOP."

Rule Number 5: If you're too drunk, stoned or high to drive, you are also too drunk/stoned/high to make sound and careful decisions about your sexual needs (not to mention your partner's needs).
If you wouldn't do something sober, don't wait until you're not sober to try it. It may seem less scary to have sex for the first time when you're less present, but it's not worth jeopardizing your safety (or your partner's).

Rule Number 6: Respect your own limits and those of your lover(s).
To quote the authors of Free Your Mind again, "If the person you're with can't respect your feelings or your limits, then he or she is not the person you should be sexual with. The pace should always be set by the person who wants or needs to go the slowest. Someone who would pressure you to have sex -- or to do sexual things you don't want to -- isn't a good choice for an intimate partner."

Rule Number 7: If you and your lover both decide that you do want to have sex and an exchange of fluids is likely, then you will need some form of latex barrier to block the transmission of any sexual diseases either of you may be carrying.

More on blocking the transmission of sexual diseases

Rule Number 8: Re-read rules 1-7 .
Then read them again. Re-arrange them in the ways you need. Share them with your lover. Read them together.
Then read them again.

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