By Mike
Coming out to
myself was a very
gradual thing.
Looking back, I think I'd always been interested in guys, but it wasn't until about grade
nine that I acknowledged this on a conscious level -- and was very distressed by it.
I didn't know any other kids like me, and my Catholic education was no help. I was
terrified someone would find out. I even tried very hard to go out with girls for a while, but it
didn't feel right (or fair to the girls).
High school was horrible.
I tried to fight the rumours that I was gay, and waited it out. I didn't tell anybody until my
first year of university.
Before I came out, I'd expected that my friends would desert me and my mother would
boot me
out of the house without a second thought, all because I was gay. Or that they would think I was
just
saying I was gay because it was "trendy" and "cool." These thoughts ran through my mind night
and
day, despite my knowing rationally that my friends were open-minded and accepting of gay
people.
When I actually came out,
though,
my experience was almost nothing like what I'd expected. All my friends supported me and
although
my mother isn't overjoyed that I'm gay, she hasn't kicked me out either. She's still getting used to
it,
and she's becoming more open over time.
Another thing I discovered when I came out was exactly how much the secret of my
sexuality
had been weighing on my mind.
After I told people My Terrible Secret (by this point, my sexual orientation had taken on
proper
noun status in my mind), people remarked how much happier I seemed. I wasn't quite as quick-
tempered as I had been before. I became an easier person to be around and had drastically fewer
nights of crying myself to sleep.
Even though my coming out
wasn't
as horrendous as I was afraid it would be, I'm still glad that I prepared for the worst, including
figuring
out how to stay at school if I got financially cut off. It has happened to others, and maybe I've
been
lucky. And maybe next time I won't be so lucky.
Coming out is an ongoing process, after all, and I can never be sure what the consequences
of
coming out to a new person will be.
Being out at MUN isn't always easy either. Since I've become involved with LBGTMUN,
people seem to see me only as "the gay guy," which bugs me because while being gay is a big
part of
who I am, it's not all I am.
I also know that much of the attitude that made me miserable in high school is still around.
Fortunately, one of the biggest advantages of coming out is that I can surround myself with
queer-
friendly people as much as possible.
In the long run, coming out has made my life more bearable. I'd now consider myself out to
everyone that really matters to me, and I've never been happier in my life.
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