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Coming Into Myself : A Coming Out Story |
I
As a little girl, I remember being infatuated with girls at sleep-over parties, and that
terrified
me. I actually prayed to God every night to make me "not gay."
In Elementary school, my Family Life text book assured me that "homosexual feelings
during puberty" were "normal," and didn't mean you were gay. That comforted me, giving me a
window within which I could feel the way I did and still be "normal," but I couldn't help
wondering
what I would do if those feelings never went away
.
When they did seem to go away, for most of my teenage years, it was a relief. For awhile, I
felt attractions to boys only. Whether these feelings were the answer to my prayers or the
product of subconscious repression, they were just temporary.
I met a girl when I was 18 and from the moment I saw her, I knew that I could not be
straight. I felt an overwhelming physical, emotional, and spiritual attraction to her -- it was a
mind-blowing experience. Luckily, I was ready to accept it at that time in my life.
I had come to realize that "normalcy" is just a word that people use to keep you obedient.
So the "abnormality" of "homosexual feelings beyond puberty" was no longer a concern of
mine. I refused to allow phobes control over me and my sexuality.
It was actually very exciting to come out as bi to myself and a few friends -- who were
really accepting of it. Now, I wouldn't change my sexuality for anything in the world. I'm very
happy with the person I have become.
Despite my pride in being bi,
I'm not totally out because I don't want to disappoint my family
-- and sadly, I know it would.
While my mother is accepting of gays and lesbians, she does not consider bisexuality to
be
a legitimate sexual orientation. She figures that if a woman, for example, is attracted to men and
women, then she has no need to date women. To her, bisexuality is an unnecessary option.
She doesn't feel for bisexuals and our struggles in society because "they can help it, they don't
need to be that way."
I don't know if I'll ever come out to my parents. It hurts to question whether or not their
'unconditional love' for me truly exists. And I resent the fact that I feel I have to hide who I am
because of my parents.
So I'm not out on campus. I find this hardest when I hear people say shitty things about
queers, bisexuals especially. I wish I could at least answer back, and defend myself against the
insults that people don't even realize are about me. But I don't want to out myself, so I'm stuck
listening.
Overall, I 'm really disappointed with the attitude on campus towards lesbians, bisexuals,
gays and transgendered persons. Call me picky, but I expected a university to be an institution
of enlightenment and free thinking. Unfortunately, for the most part, it is neither.
The defacing of LBGTMUN stickers on campus has made me realize that there should be
many more prerequisites for entering university than grades. I have no tolerance for such
infantile, ignorant behavior, and neither should the university.
I want MUN to take action against queer-bashing. They should care about their queer
students.
That said, it does seem like more people are out on campus than in high school. MUN
isn't
as cliquish as high school, and LBGTMUN works hard to get its message out: that there is
support on campus for queers and people questioning their sexuality. It's nice to know there's a
group out there to help, even if I don't need it right now.
I hope to come out to everyone at some point in my life because my sexuality is an
important part of who I am. I see my coming out as bisexual as a major step in the process of
growing as a full person; well-rounded and aware of all aspects of my being.
