Everything I needed to know I learned from the Internet
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on
the heel.
He fell out of the Stupid tree and hit every branch on
the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky’s kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
In the March 9, 1999, NY Times’s Science section, from an interview
with U.S. Representative George E. Brown of California, who has served
over 30 years on the House Committee on Science:
Q: How skilled are scientists and researchers at presenting their
case to Congress?
A: Very unskilled. They, generally speaking, have too great a
faith in the power of common sense and reason.
Submitted by: SGP Law Clerk3
Mar. 9, 1999
Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days
you're the statue.
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and
I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
>>>>
Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved
through a suitable application of high explosives.
Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete
than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to
complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their
planning to reduce the time it takes.
I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
Stupidity got us into this mess-why can't it get us out?
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should
both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them
that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
Dijon vu-the same mustard as before.
My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
I am having an out of money experience.
I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
Not afraid of heights-afraid of widths.
A day without sunshine is like night.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa
How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.
How do you get holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?
She says, “Daddy, I want a new apartment.”
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
“Dam”.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
Polaroids.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work?
A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn’t yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?
A pachydermatologist
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out
of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.
What is a zebra?
26 sizes larger than an “A” bra. {Canadian joke]
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.
and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a
rectal thermometer?
The taste.
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a no legged dog?
Right where you left him.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
They all have phones.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
They’re trying to get away from the noise.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
I think that the team that wins game five will win the series
Unless we lose game five.—Charles Barkley
Laundry instructions on a shirt made by HEET (Korea):
For best results: Wash in cold water separately, hang dry and iron
with warm iron. For not so good results: Drag behind car through puddles,
blow-dry on roofrack.
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an
important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the
authorities.—also From “Basic Sex Facts” by Matt Groening
Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.
Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window
Seen on the back of a biker’s vest: If you can read this, my
wife fell off.
If you can beat me, you can eat me! (seen on a Corvette
driven by a “drop-dead gorgeous blonde”)
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?! (men saying this are known
to die a violent death)
Fight Crime: Shoot Back!
If you can read this, please flip me back over... (seen upside
down, on a Jeep)
Never raise your hands to your kids; it leaves your groin
unprotected.
Remember folks: Stop lights timed for 35mph are also timed
for 70mph.
GUYS: No shirt, no service. GALS: No shirt, no charge.
I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
vegetarian.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
Cat: The other white meat
Don’t be sexist - broads hate that!
Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway
If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you
If you can’t dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition
Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights made an airplane.
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around
the sun.
Never knock on Death’s door; ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).
“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student.
At least
they can find Kuwait.” --A. Whitney Brown
“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom & Gomorrah
an apology.” --Jay Leno
“If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?”—John Mendoza
“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to
accept God’s final word on where your lips end.” --Jerry Seinfeld
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in
New
York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” --Richard Jeni
Capitalism: He who dies with the most toys, wins.
Jehovah’s Witnesses: He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.
Catholicism: He who denies himself the most toys, wins.
Pentecostalism: He whose toys can talk, wins.
Buddhism: He who dies with no toys, wins.
Communism: Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught
selling his toys goes straight to hell.
Atheism: There is no toy maker.
Polytheism: There are many toy makers.
Evolutionism: The toys made themselves.
Confucianism: Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.
Branch Davidians: He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.
Hinduism: He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.
Mormonism: Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.
Anglican: They were our toys first.
Greek Orthodox: No, they were OURS first.
7th Day Adventist: He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.
My friend asked me what a paradigm is and I said, “It’s a model.” He
said, “That means Kathy Ireland is my favorite paradigm.”
To those women too beautiful to get a date: I’m forming a support group
at my place.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
I’ve found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
So you are better at sex than anybody. Now all you need is a partner.
I like cats, too. Let’s exchange recipes.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
God was my copilot, but we crashed into the mountains and I had to
eat him.
Let me show you how the guards used to do it.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after
them.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
I can’t remember if I’m the good twin or the evil one.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #2?
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
It ain’t the size, it’s... no, it’s the size.
“Man who run in front of car, get tired”
“Man who run behind car, get exhausted”
“Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly.”
“Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.”
“Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok”
“Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.”
“Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.”
“War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.”
“Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.”
“Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night.”
“Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!”
“Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!”
“It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.”
“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”
“Man who sit on tack get point!”
“Man who lives in glass house should change in basement”
“He who fishes in other man’s well often catches crabs.”
“Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk”
Working on software in a team is like a group of authros writing an
epic novel. You write 100 pages of a 500 page novel containg 40 charectors.
Just before the novel goes to the editors, someone re-writes 5 lines
of pivitol dialog conserning your charectors. You don't find out until
one of the editors call's you up months later and starts asking questions
about confused charector motavations, and why your charector marries someone
who stabbed them in the back on page 27...
- George Dolbier
No rap, No country,, No problem -George Dolbier
One can only find enlightment by groping in the dark. -George Dolbier
The only constant thing in life is change even the rate of change not
constant -George Dolbier
"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it. -anon
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
-anon
Crankiness....for me it's just as natural as morning. -anon
Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast. -anon
Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake. -anon
I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack of sleep, and
should not be held responsible for my behavior. -anon
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want? -anon
Life is much too complicated in the morning. -anon
Sleep deprivation is fun--you see such pretty colors. -anon
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless.
-anon
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny. -anon
What am I doing out of bed? -anon
Who the hell let the morning people run things? -anon
Death before decaf. -anon
It's hard to seize the day when first you've got to grapple with the
morning. -anon
I may rise, but I refuse to shine. -anon
You never gain something but that you lose something --Thoreau
Don't drink and park, accidents cause people. -anon
Same dance different drummer -George Dolbier
"Cream isn't the only thing that rises to the top." -anon
I am much taller in Email -George Dolbier
Some people consider a female's body as a temple. I like to think of
it as an amusement park.. -anon
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? -anon
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got! -anon
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes." -anon
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. -anon
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar. -anon
The gene pool could use a little chlorine. -anon
C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit. -anon
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. -anon
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand. -anon
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. -anon
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake! -anon
The secret of the universe is @*&^^^ NO CARRIER -anon
Did anyone see my lost carrier? -anon
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. -anon
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing! -anon
He who laughs last thinks slowest! -anon
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. -anon
Give me ambiguity or give me something else. -anon
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!" -anon
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. -anon
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. -anon
Error, no keyboard - press F1 to continue. -anon
There's too much blood in my caffeine system. -anon
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity. -anon
I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. -anon
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. -anon
I won't rise to the occaasion, but I'll slide over to it. -anon
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I. -anon
Double your drive space - delete Windows! -anon
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free? -anon
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. -anon
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
-anon
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. -anon
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. -anon
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. -anon
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive. -anon
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. -anon
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. -anon
When there's a will, I want to be in it. -anon
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? -anon
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs. -anon
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART? -anon
All generalizations are false, including this one. -anon
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. -anon
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy. -anon
Ever stop to think...and then forget to start again? -anon
Clay's corollary to Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle: "it is impossible
to specify both the time and location of a meeting in a single mail message"
-- clay ( I presume )
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty,
and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist.
This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. - M. Cartmill
"You can not cross a chasm in tiny steps." -anon
Pack your bags, we're going on a guilt trip... -anon
Pack your emotional baggage, we're going on a guilt trip... -anon
everything has meaning -George Dolbier
Cornfed : "Duckman, you have the adrenal glands of a dyslexic accountant."
Duckman : "Bulltish!!!"
soo poor I have to break wind to get a cent in my pocket -anon
I'd like to find you inner child and kick it's little ass -eagles "Get
Over It" From "When hell freezes over"
Crack that whip!! or is that whip that crack... -anon
Duckman: Corny, I just had a vision!! All the evil in the world has
been caused by insane lustful greed Cornfed: well duh...
Let he who is without sin cast the first ballot measure -anon
"got to kick at the darkness til it bleeds daylight" - B. Cockburn
as Heraclitus once said: for god all things are good; for man some
are better t han others
The only dangerious thing about sex is when women don't get enough
of it. From the movie "The Road to Welfare"
"Those who beat their swords into plowshares will plow for those who
don't" -Rich Benedict [email protected]
Welcome to Portland, Oregon ... home of the California Raisins! -anon
"Is it OK to yell 'Movie!' in a crowded firehouse?" -Cory Carpenter
[email protected]
Oh great and higly paid mighty marketing muketies please take this
offering and be pleased Please provides us a great market share and please
do not ask of us the absurd feature -George Dolbier
The first naked man a woman sees is Barbie's friend Ken. This explains
a lot...
Down that path lies madness. On the other hand, the road to hell is
paved with melting snowballs. --Larry Wall
The two most common things in the Universe are Hydrogen and Stupidity.
- From Murphy's Law and other reasons whhy things go Wrong!
Ignorance When you don't know something and someone finds out. -anon
Incest The theory of relativity. -anon
Innocence Nun working in condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping
bags for mice. Young woman applying Clearasil over her nipples thinking
it to be a pimple. -anon
Insignificance When you're in the labor room with your wife, watching
the doctor with both arms buried up to his elbows to turn the baby around
properly. -anon
Insolence Pooping on someone's doorstep, and then knocking on the door
to ask if they have any toilet paper. -anon
Irony Millie Vanilli on a Karaoke machine. -anon
Junk Something you need the day after you throw it away. -anon
Kiss Putting your honey where your mouth is. -anon
Lamb stew Much ado about mutton. -anon
Lawyer The larval stage of politicians. -anon
Laziness A remote control to locate your other remote controls. -anon
Lefties The only people in their right minds. -anon
Liberal Too poor to be a capitalist, too rich to be a Communist. -anon
Life A terminal, sexually transmitted disease. -anon
Light Year A regular year with less calories. -anon
Lizzy Borden The original hacker. -anon
Maintenance-Free When it breaks, it can't be fixed. -anon
Meter maid Windshield viper. -anon
Mount Everest 28,928 feet. -anon
Noise Two skeletons making love on a tin roof. -anon
On-line The idea that a human being should always be accessible to
a computer. -anon
Oxymoron One who has used too much acne goo. -anon
Parking Space An area that vanishes as you make a U-Turn. -anon
Peace In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods
of fighting. -anon
Perfect Woman A woman who can suck a golf-ball (watermelon) through
50' of garden hose. -anon
Pessimist An optimist with experience. -anon
Peter Pan A washbasin in a house of ill repute. -anon
Petting A study in anatomy in Braille. -anon
Philosophy Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. -anon
Pickle A cucumber soured by a jarring experience. -anon
Politics From Greek "poly" meaning 'many' and "ticks", a small, annoying
bloodsucker. -anon
Poverty Used toilet paper on the clothesline. -anon
Power The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. -anon
Procrastination Constantly reading and posting articles to Usenet!
-anon
Prune Juice The breakfast of Runners. -anon
Puritan Someone who is deathly afraid that someone somewhere is having
fun. -anon
Quality Control The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units
coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100
works. -anon
Quadruplets Four crying out loud. -anon
Redundancy An air bag in a politician's car. -anon
Rejection When your masturbating hand falls asleep on you. -anon
Revenge A bastard punching holes in a condom factory. -anon
Royalty Lady Diana menstruating blue blood. -anon
Sailing A form of mast transit. -anon
Silliness Dinosaur condoms. -anon
Sophistication Sucking nipples with a straw. -anon
Spouse Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't
have had if you'd stayed single in the first place. -anon
Speed Sticking your buttocks out of a third story window, running down
to the first floor, and seeing your own butt just disappear up above. -anon
Strain Teeth marks on a toilet bowl rim. -anon
Sunbather A fry in the ointment. -anon
Sunburn Getting more than you basked for. -anon
Suspense I will tell you tomorrow. -anon
Trust Two cannibals having oral sex.
Looking for an overconfidence building experience
FLASH: Dwarf Seer escapes from jail: Small medium at large!
Ever feel like a one legged cat trying to bury a turd on a frozen pond?
"It's not *over* until I win!" -- Les Brown
Gossip: The only thing that travels faster than e-mail. -Angie Papadakis
I don't mind plagiarism as long as I get credit -George Dolbier
"I tried to get a life once, but I missed too many Star Trek episodes..."
-anon
"We demand guaranteed rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty."
- Vroomfondel, from _The Original Hitchhhiker Radio Scripts_
"Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!"
All errors in this message are copyright 1995 George Dolbier. George
Dolbier is a registered trade mark of Pat Dolbier(mother). The information
in this product are provided "as is", without warranty of any kind. For
nutritional information send $5 to: 2260 S.W. 205th 97006. No liability
for consequential damages. Some settling may have occured in shipment.
In case of ingestion induce vomiting and seek immediate medical assistance.
Other natural Flavors. Skin irritant. Can increase the effect of other
drugs. made from 10% post consumer recycled material. Allways drive with
your seatbelt. Made in the U.S.A. Be aware, ski with care. This end up.
Do not drive after use. For veterinary use only. Not to be taken internally.
Make sure to evacuate you home for an hour after use. Risk of discomfort
while lactating. Printed in Mexico. Continued on other side panel. Take
after meals as a dietary supplement. assembled in China. Keep in a cool
dry place. Contains preservatives. Do not eat. have a nice day. No animals
where harmed during the composition of this email. Contains Red #4. Eject
magazine before moving. Questions? Comments? dial 1-800-555-1894 between
9:24AM and 7:32PM PDT. If you call now we'll send you a _free_ set of steak
knifes. Provides no nutritional value.
"Turning Oxygen Into Carbon Dioxide For Over Thirty Years."
25 THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS: 1 - Indecision is
the key to flexibility 2 - You cannot tell which way the train went by
looking at the track 3 - There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine
lack of preparation 4 - Happiness is merely the remission of pain 5 - Nostalgia
isn't what it used to be 6 - Sometimes too much drink is not enough 7 -
The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant 8 - The careful application
of terror is also a form of communication 9 - Someone who thinks logically
is a nice contrast to the real world 10 - Things are more like they are
today than they ever have been before 11 - Anything worth fighting for
is worth fighting dirty for 12 - Everything should be made as s worth fighting
dirty for 12 - Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no
simpler 13 - Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate 14 - I have
seen the truth and it makes no sense 15 - Suicide is the most sincere form
of self-criticism 16 - All things being equal, fat people use more soap
17 - If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
blame 18- One-seventh of your life is spent on Monday 19 - By the time
you can make ends meet, they move the ends 20 - Not one shred of evidence
supports the notion that ends 20 - Not one shred of evidence supports the
notion that life is serious 21 - The more you run over a dead cat, the
flatter it gets 22 - There is always one more imbecile than you counted
on 23 - This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it 24 - Never wrestle
with a pig; you both get dirty, and the it 24 - Never wrestle with a pig;
you both get dirty, and the pig likes it 25 - The trouble with life is,
you're halfway through it before you realize it's a "do it yourself" thing
"It is seldom that liberty of any kind is lost all at once." -Hume
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Sign on baby's bib: SPIT HAPPENS.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee.
For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.
Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.
I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find
a rock.
Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.
Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.
Look out for #1. Don't step in #2.
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
Do witches run spell checkers?
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved.
Dain bramaged.
Department of Redundancy Department
Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat!
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
C:\WINDOWS C:\WINDOWS\GO C:\PC\CRAWL
C:\DOS C:\DOS\RUN RUN\DOS\RUN
<-------- The information went data way -------->
The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding
BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!
Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"
As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)
E Pluribus Modem
... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord.
24 hours in a day...24 beers in a case...coincidence?
Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?
Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.
RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
All computers wait at the same speed.
DEFINITION: Computer - A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981
Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...
The english,written, language... 1. Avoid alliteration. Always. 2.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do. 4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc. 6. Parenthetical remarks
(however relevant) are unnecessary. 7. Remember to never split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary. 9. Foreign words and phrases are not
apropos. 10. One should never generalize. 11. Eliminate quotations. As
Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." 12.
Comparisons are as bad as cliches. 13. Don't be redundant; don't use more
words than necessary; it's highly superfluous. 14. Be more or less specific.
15. Understatement is always best. 16. One-word sentences? Eliminate. 17.
Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake. 18. The passive voice
is to be avoided. 19. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
20. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed. 21. Who needs
rhetorical questions? 22. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
23. Don't never use a double negation. 24. capitalize every sentence and
remember always end it with point 25. Do not put statements in the negative
s end it with point 25. Do not put statements in the negative form. 26.
Verbs have to agree with their subjects. 27. Proofread carefully to see
if you words out. 28. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading
a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. 29.
A writer must not shift your point of view. 30. And don't start a sentence
with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to
end a sentence with.) 31. Don't overuse exclamation marks!! 32. Place pronouns
as close as possible, especamation marks!! 32. Place pronouns as close
as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their
antecedents. 33. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
34. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
35. Take the bull by the hand and avoidce, a linking verb is. 35. Take
the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors. 36. Avoid trendy locutions
that sound flaky. 37. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun
with singular nouns in their writing. 38. Always pick on the correct idiom.
39. The adverb always follows the verb. 40. Last but not least, avoid cliches
like the plague; They're old hat; seek viable alternatives.
Murphy's Law If anything can go wrong, it will.
Maah's Law Things go right so they can go wrong.
Sutin's Second Law The most useless computer tasks are the most fun
to do.
Fahnestock's Rule for Failure If at first you don't succeed, destroy
all evidence that shows you tried.
Schmidt's Laaw if you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
The entire universe is the size of a single geometric point, time is
speeding up. George Dolbier (paraphrasing statments made in Xenoside by
Orson Scott Card)
- A bus station is where buses stop. - A train station is where trains
stop. - On my desk is a work station .... -anon
Error Truth is one, but error proliferates. Man tracks it down and
cuts it up into little pieces hoping to turn it into grains of truth. But
the ultimate atom will always essentially be an error, a miscalculation.
René Daumal (1908-44), French poet
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
DOS Tip #17: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS
Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
Hit any user to continue.
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should
be hard to understand.
I'v been called worse things by better people Gary Treudo(sp? help..)
response to report when told what, then US President, Richard Nixon had
called him.
Have you ever gotten sick of hearing AT&T take credit for things
that they didn't invent? You will.
the optomist says the glass is half full the pessimist says the glass
is half empty the engineer says the there is too much glass the software
programmer says he can optimize the glass by putting an opening at both
ends. the Object Oriented Software designer says the Glass should be abstracted
into a "container" class the alcoholic says how strong it is. the biologist
says the glass is a breeding ground for all sorts of interesting life forms
the hooker says she met the glass sometime in august of 1989
Hey, you did a paradigm shift without pushing in the clutch Now all
that whining you hear is the sound of cerebral gears grinding. George Dolbier
7/10/95
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk, And the
microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your
memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and
be sure to tell your mom!
For Reply, send a self-abused stomped Antelope to [email protected]
lyrics muddle the purity of music with definition and meaning
allways hire a rich attorney nevery buy from a rich salesman
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers. -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved
in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The hypothalamus controls
the "Four F's": 1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3. feeding; and 4. mating. --
Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary. -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: "Of all
the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them."
With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand
miles closer to globular cluster 13 in the constellation Hercules, and
still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no such
thing as progress. -- Ransom K. Ferm
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench to
pound in the correct screw.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with
an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a
Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years
and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of
the worst movies in the history of the world. -- Dave Barry
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants. -- A. Whitney Brown
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging
their prejudices. -- William James
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes
hurtling down the highway. -- Andrew Tannenbaum
We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that
is in it - and stop there; lest we be like the cat that sits down on a
hot stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again, and that
is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore. -- Mark
Twain
There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the
streets? -- Dick Cavett, mocking the TV-violence debate
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering
if there are men on base. -- Dave Barry
I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities
and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls. -- Editor
of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl.
Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: No matter how great your triumphs
or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion Chinese couldn't
care less.
668: The Neighbor of the Beast
Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
-- Emo Phillips
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake
when you make it again. -- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination
to do so. -- Douglas Adams, Last Chance to See
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much money.
What's important is that you continue to do so. -- Hunter S. Thompson's
Samoan Attorney
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a
woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the God the Catholics
or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?" -- Quentin Crisp
Boundary, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two
nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights
of another. -- Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick and
tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country
with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of
being told that I am! -- Monty Python
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. --
George Carlin
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable. -- John F. Kennedy
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove. -- Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. --
Ashleigh Brilliant
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing
that way.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1. Writing his memoirs
of the Civil War. 2. Advising the President. 3. Desperately clawing at
the inside of his coffin. -- David Letterman
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict,
Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". Disraeli
replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether I embrace your principles
or your mistress."
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but
phone calls taper off. -- Johnny Carson
The most important thing in the programming language is the name. A
language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently invented
a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable language. -- D. E.
Knuth, 1967
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit. -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's
magazine of preventive maintenance
Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they
don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?
On one occasion a student burst into his office. "Professor Stigler,
I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me." To which Stigler replied,
"I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will
allow me to award."
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding
you. -- Old Farmer's Almanac
G: "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" EB: "Normal
procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself
over a wide area." -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4
The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. --
Plutarch
The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. --
Salvador Dali
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone,
but they've always worked for me. -- Hunter S. Thompson
Sacred cows make the best hamburger. -- Mark Twain
Masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. It's nothing to be particularly
proud of, either. -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk" in _Life
In Hell_ by Matt Groening
"Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night." --
Charlie Brown, _Peanuts_ [Charles Schulz]
Throwing yourself at your work is not a good idea if you are a bricklayer
Do you ever feel like you are tring to build an operating room in a
haunted hause?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink
and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited
there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks
on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks
to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when
you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if
the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment,
but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes,
why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you
turn down the volume on the radio?
Why do people look at the door when they're in an elevator?
I went to school, ya know. I went to grammar school and once we were
taking a test and I was copying this other kid's paper, and I guess the
teacher heard my xerox machine. She said, "Emo, am I stupid or were you
cheating," and I said, "Ah, yes and no." She sends me to the principals
office and I get there and sit down and he looks at me and says, "Emo,
Emo, Emo." I said, "I'm the one in the middle, you drunken slob." He said,
"Emo, how would you like to repeat the fifth grade?" I said, "I don't know
if I could do it exactly, but I could try." He said, "I could expel you!"
I said, "You'll have to catch and eat me first, ya wierdo." He said, "Emo,
you'll have to see the school psychologist." And I said, "But why do I
have to see the school psychologist?" So he showed me the petition. So
I went to the psychologist and he says, "Emo, what does this inkblot look
like to you?" I sai d, "Well, it's kind of embarassing." He said, "Emo,
everyone sees something silly. Don't be embarassed. Tell me, what does
this inkblot look like to you?" I said, "Well, uh, to me, um, it looks
like, uh, standard pattern number 3 in the Rorshach series to test obsessive
compulsiveness." And he got kind of depressed, so I said, "OK, it's a butterfly."
And he cheered up. "And what does this inkblot look like?" I said it looks
like a horrible, ugly blob of pure evil, that sucks the souls of men into
a vortex of sin and degradation." He said, "No, uh the inkblots over there,
that's a photo of my wife you're looking at." "oh, was I far off?" He said,
"No, that's the sad part." And he gave me a chocolate Easter bunny and
I ate the bunny, then I thought, hey, this isn't Easter. "Is this a test?"
And he said, "Yes." "And what does it mean?" He said, "Had you eaten the
ears first you would have been normal. Had you eaten the feet first you
would have had an inferiority complex. Had you eaten the tail first you
would have had latent homosexual tendencies and had you eaten the breasts
first you would have had a latent oedipal complex." "Well...go on, what
does it mean when you bite out the eyes and scream 'stop staring at me?'"
He said, "It means you have a tendency towards self destruction." I said,
"Well, what do you recommend?" He said, "Go for it."
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
Think honk if you're a telepath.
"!sgub evah t'nseod CP sihT ?sgub naem ayaddahW"
"#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare."
"Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?"
"E=Mc^5...nahhh...E=Mc^4...nahh...E=Mc^3...ah, the hell with it."
"Mr. Worf, scan that ship." "Aye, Captain... 300 DPI?
"Today's subliminal thought is:"
"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from.
'Calm down -- it's only ones and zeros.'
'Profanity: the universal programming language'
..... REALITY.SYS Corrupted - Unable to recover Universe
...now touch these wires to your tongue!
.signature not found! reformat hard drive? [Yn]
10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
29A, the hexadecimal of the Beast.
:-) :-> ;-) :) "Smilies everyone, Smilies" Mr.Rourke
<-------- The information went data way -------->
A bad random number generator: 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 4.33e+67, 1, 1, 1
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected.
A computer program does what you tell it to do, not what you want it
to do.
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
A computer's attention span is only as long as its extension cord.
A fault tolerant system must report the faults even as it tolerates
them.
A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. - Laura
Creighton
A list is only as strong as its weakest link. - Don Knuth
A low level language is one whose programs require attention to the
irrelevant.
A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.
A successful tool is used to do something undreamed of by its author.
- Johnson
A)bort, R)etry or S)elf-destruct?
A)bort, R)etry, I)gnore, V)alium?
A)bort, R)etry, I)nfluence with large hammer.
A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door
AAAAAA - American Association Against Acronym Abuse Anonymous
APATHY ERROR: Don't bother striking any key.
APL is a write-only language. - Roy Keir
ASCII to ASCII, DOS to DOS.
Abstraction is achieved by data hiding and enforced by encapsulation.
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. - Brook
Advanced design: Upper management doesn't understand it.
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
All computers run at the same speed...with the power off.
All new: The software is not compatible with previous versions.
All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors.
All the simple programs have been written, and all the good names taken.
All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?
All you need to know is the user interface. - J. Redford
An algorithm must be seen to be believed. - D. E. Knuth
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
Another megabytes the dust.
Any given program will expand to fill available memory.
Any nitwit can understand computers. Many do. - Ted Nelson
Any program that runs right is obsolete.
Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and
used.
Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature.
- Kulawiec
Artificial Intelligence: Making computers behave like they do in the
movies.
As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.
-Weisert
As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code.
Asking if computers can think is like asking if submarines can swim.
Asking whether machines can think is like asking whether submarines
can swim.
Avoid GOTOs completely if you can keep the program readable.
Avoid temporary variables and strange women.
Avoid the Fortran arithmetic IF (or better yet, just avoid Fortran).
Avoid unnecessary branches.
BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. - Seymour
Papert
BREAKFAST.COM halted... cereal port not responding!
Backup not found! A)bort, R)etry or P)anic?
Backup not found: A)bort, R)etry, M)assive heart failure?
Backups? We doan *NEED* no steenking baX%^~,VbKx NO CARRIER
Bad command or file name. Go stand in the corner.
Bad style destroys an otherwise superb program.
Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. - Tom
Lehrer
Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom.
Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. - Leonard Brandwein
Brain fried; core dumped.
Breakthrough: It finally booted on the first try.
Breakthrough: It nearly booted on the first try.
Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature. -T. John Wendel
C:\BELFRY is where I keep my .BAT files.
C:\GRAPHICS\GIF\NAUGHTY\FILTHY\DISGUSTING\WOW!
CCCP:> format CCCP: /u
CCITT - Can't Conceive Intelligent Thoughts Today
CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh..
Capt'n! The spellchecker kinna take this abuse!
Choose variable names that will not be confused.
Close your eyes and press escape three times.
Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.
Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.
Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they
are lying.
Computer possessed? Try DEVICE=C:\EXOR.SYS
Computer programmers do it byte by byte.
Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without
them.
Computers are only human.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. - Gilb
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. - Pablo Picasso
Computers talk to each other worse than their designers do.
Computers... are not designed, as we are, for ambiguity. - Thomas
Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system.
Controlling complexity is the essence of computer programming. - Kernigan
Customer: A primitive life form at the bottom of the food chain.
DYNAMIC LINKING ERROR: Your mistake is now everywhere.
Death is a nonmaskable interrupt.
Debugger: A tool that substitutes afterthought for forethought.
Design simplicity: It was developed on a shoe-string budget.
Design: The activity of preparing for a design review.
Diagnostics are the programs that run when nothing else will.
Disc space, the final frontier!
Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission
errors.
Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped?
Do you like me for my brain or my baud?
Document code? Why do you think they call it "code?"
Don't comment or patch bad code; rewrite it.
Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality.
Don't diddle code to make it faster; find a better algorithm.
Don't document the program; program the document.
Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.
Don't let the computer bugs bite!
Don't stop at one bug.
Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time.
EBCDIC: Erase, Back up, Chew Disk, Ignite Card
E Pluribus UNIX.
Earth is 98% full...please delete anyone you can.
Emacs is a nice operating system, but I prefer UNIX. - Tom Christiansen
Error 13: Illegal brain function. Process terminated.
Esc key to reboot Universe, or any other key to continue...
Every bug you find is the last one.
Every program in development at MIT expands until it can read mail.
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
Every program is either trivial or it contains at least one bug.
Everybody needs a little love sometime; stop hacking and fall in love!
Exclusive: We're the only ones who have the documentation.
Expert systems are built to embody the knowledge of human experts.
- Kulawiec
Field tested: Manufacturing doesn't have a test system.
Finish your mail packet! Children are offline in India.
Foolproof operation: All parameters are hard coded.
C:\>From C:\*.* to shining C:\*.*
Futuristic: It will only run on a next generation supercomputer.
God is REAL, unless explicitly declared INTEGER.
God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man.
Gotta run, the cat's caught in the printer.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory!
Hex dump: Where witches put used curses...
Honey, I Formatted the Kid!
Host System Not Responding, Probably Down. Do you want to wait? (Y/N)
How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...
How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows.
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 9 edge down.
I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.
I am still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie.
I am the computer your mother warned you about.
I bet the human brain is a kludge. - Marvin Minsky
I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. - Isaac Asimov
I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.
I just found the last bug.
I modem, but they grew back.
I must have slipped a disk; my pack hurts.
I smell a wumpus.
I suppose when it gets to that point, we shan't know how it does it.
- Turing
I used to have a life, then I got v32bis!
I'm a modemer and I'm OK. I post all night and I sleep all day.
I'm not a sysop, I just play one on the echoes.
IBM: I Blame Mathematics
IBM: I Breaks Monthly
IBM: I Bring Madness
IBM: I Broke Mine
IBM: I Built Mine
IBM: I bring manuals
IBM: I'd Be Misinforming
IBM: I'd Buy Macintosh
IBM: I'll Buy Macintosh
IBM: I'm Being Manipulated
IBM: I'm Beyond Mistakes
IBM: I'm Buying Macintosh
IBM: I've Become Magnanimous
IBM: I've Been Mangled
IBM: I've Been Mauled
IBM: I've Been Mesmerized
IBM: I've Been Misled
IBM: Ici Beaucoup Merde
IBM: Iconoclastic Bilateral Monopoly
IBM: Icons Bygones My Mom's
IBM: Idealistically Backwards Microcomputers
IBM: Ideas Bring Money
IBM: Idiots Became Managers
IBM: Idiots Being Mental
IBM: Idiots Built Me
IBM: Idle Brain Malfunction
IBM: Ifs Buts Maybys
IBM: Ill'manners Being Mandatory
IBM: Ill-mannered Besotten Macrocasm
IBM: Illustrious Bankruptcy Malenfactor
IBM: Illustrious Busy Mice
IBM: Imbecile Bad Micros
IBM: Imensa Bola De Manteca
IBM: Imitable Boring Microcomputers
IBM: Immeasurable Bigheaded Malapert
IBM: Immovable Brash Monolith
IBM: Impeccably Blue-dressed Managers
IBM: Imperial Bellicose Marauder
IBM: Imperialist by Marketing
IBM: Impersonal Bellicose Magnate
IBM: Impious Bacchnalain Metropolis
IBM: In Business (for) Money
IBM: Inadequates Becoming Millionaires
IBM: Inane Brutish Merchandising
IBM: Incompatible Blue Machines
IBM: Inconsistent Business machines
IBM: Incontinent Bandolerisimo Moloch
IBM: Increasingly Bad Manufacturing
IBM: Increasingly Banal Movement
IBM: Incredible Bowel Movement
IBM: Incredibly Bad Merchandising
IBM: Incredibly Ballsey Marketeers
IBM: Incredibly Belligerent Merketing
IBM: Incredibly Big Manufacturer
IBM: Incredibly Big Monster
IBM: Incredibly Bloody Minded
IBM: Incredibly Boastful Mercenary
IBM: Incredibly Boring Manuals
IBM: Incredibly Broad Monolopy
IBM: Incredibly Bullying Menace
IBM: Indecision Breeds Mistakes
IBM: Indecorous Big-named Medusoid
IBM: Indigestion Bothers Me
IBM: Industry Bowel Movement
IBM: Industry's Biggest Mistake
IBM: Industry's Bulging Monolith
IBM: Inept Bulling Menace
IBM: Inevitably Bad Marketing
IBM: Inferior Before Macintosh
IBM: Infernal Biggest Mistake
IBM: Infernal Blue Machines
IBM: Infinite Budget Merchandising
IBM: Infinitely Baffling Motives
IBM: Inherently Bad Manuals
IBM: Innovation By Management
IBM: Insanely Better Marketing
IBM: Insensitivity Begets Mediocrity
IBM: Inshallah Burak Ma'lesh
IBM: Insidious Byzantine Mentality
IBM: Insignificant Bothersome Machine
IBM: Insipidly Bankrolling Millions
IBM: Insolent Bickering Mal-der-mer
IBM: Install Bigger Memory
IBM: Insulting Boorish Manner
IBM: Insultingly Boring Microcomputers
IBM: Intensely Boring Machines
IBM: Intentionally Braindamaged Machinery
IBM: Intercourse Beats Masturbation
IBM: Interesting But Mediocre
IBM: Interesting But Mundane
IBM: Intergalactic Bottomline Mistake
IBM: Internals By Mediocrity
IBM: International Bit Mangler
IBM: International Bowel Movement
IBM: Intersmashable Byte manipulators
IBM: Into Building Money
IBM: Intriguingly Blue Motif
IBM: Invented By Maladroits
IBM: Invented By Marketing
IBM: Invented By Murphy
IBM: Irresponsibility Behaved Multinational
IBM: It Broke Be
IBM: It's Become Monolithic
IBM: It's Been Malfunctioning
IBM: It's Better 'morrow
IBM: It's Better Manually
IBM: It's Beyond Monolithic
IBM: It's Broke Ma'am
IBM: It's Bugging Me
IBM: It's Bullshit Mommery
IBM: Itty Bitty Machines
IBM: Itty Bitty Mentality
IBM: Itty Bitty Mouse
IBM: Itty Bity Maharishi
If God had intended Man to program, we would be born with serial I/O
ports.
If I had it all to do over again, I'd spell creat with an "e". - Kernighan
If a program is useful, it must be changed.
If a program is useless, it must be documented.
If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?
If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0
If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If it was easy, the hardware people would take care of it.
If only women came with pull-down menus and online help.
If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.
- Schryer
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
Implementation is the sincerest form of flattery.
In /dev/null no one can hear you scream
In God we trust; all else we walk through.
In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. - Brian Reid
In the long run, every program becomes rococco, and then rubble. -
Alan Perlis
Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit.
It is ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are?
It said, "Insert disk #3," but only two will fit!
It wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. - Wilkes,
1949
It's 10 o'clock. Do you know where your child processes are?
It's here at last: We've released a 26-week project in 48 weeks.
It's redundant! It's redundant! -R. E. Dundant
Justify my text? I'm sorry but it has no excuse.
Kiss your keyboard goodbye!
Know Thy User.
LISP: To call a spade a thpade.
Last one out, turn off the computer!
Let the machine do the dirty work. - Elements of Programming Style
Life would be much easier if I had the source code.
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
Lisp Users: Due to the holiday, there will be no garbage collection
on Monday.
Logic is neither an art or a science but a dodge.
Logic: The art of being wrong with confidence...
Long computations that yield zero are probably all for naught.
MC Hammer, n. Device used to ensure firm seating of MicroChannel boards
MIPS: Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed.
Machine independent code isn't.
Machine-independent: Does not run on any existing machine.
Maintenance free: It's impossible to fix.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...
Make input easy to proofread.
Make it right before you make it faster.
Make sure all variables are initialized before use.
Make sure comments and code agree.
Make sure your code "does nothing" gracefully.
Managing programmers is like herding cats.
Maniac: An early computer built by nuts...
Manual Writer's Creed: Garbage in, gospel out.
May the bugs of many programs nest on your hard drive.
Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. - R. S.
Barton
Me and my two friends... GIF and Wesson.
Meets quality standards: Compiles without errors.
Meets quality standards: It compiles without errors.
Memory dump: Amnesia...
Microwave: Signal from a friendly micro...
Modem: How a Southerner asks for seconds...
Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!
Multitasking: Screwing up several things at once...
My BBS is baroque now. Please call Bach later with your Handel.
My Go this amn keyboar oesn't have any 's.
My computer NEVER cras
My computer isn't that nervous, it's just a bit ANSI.
My computer's sick. I think my modem is a carrier.
My mail reader can beat up your mail reader.
My sister opened a UNIX consultancy in Hawaii. She sells C shells by
the seashore.
Netnews is like yelling, "Anyone want to buy a used car?" in a crowded
theater.
Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2.
Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. - D. Gries
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. - Steinbach
Never trust a computer you can't lift. - Stan Masor
Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window. - S. Hunt
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
- Jackson
Never violate the Prime Directory! C:\
Never write software that anthropomorphizes the machine.
Never write software that patronizes the user.
New: It comes in different colors from the previous version.
Nice computers don't go down.
No extensible language will be universal. - T. Cheatham
No line available at 300 baud.
No program done by a hacker will work unless he is on the system.
No program done by an undergrad will work after she graduates.
Nobody has ever, ever, EVER learned all of WordPerfect.
Nostalgia: The good old days multiplied by a bad memory...
Objects are closer than they appear.
Old mail has arrived.
Old programmers never die; they just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever. -Computerworld button
On a clear disk you can seek forever. - Denning
On a clear disk you can seek forever...
One if by LAN, two if by C. - Paul Revere, as told by John Karwoski
One man's constant is another man's variable. - Perlis
One person's error is another person's data.
One picture is worth 128K words.
Overflow on /dev/null; please empty the bit bucket.
People who deal with bits should expect to get bitten. - Jon Bentley
Performance is easier to add than clarity.
Performance proven: It works through beta test.
Portable: Survives system reboot.
Press [ESC] to detonate or any other key to explode.
Printed on 100% recyclable phosphor.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.
Programmer: One who is too lacking in people skills to be a software
engineer.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programming Department: Mistakes made while you wait.
Programming is an art form that fights back.
Programming is an unnatural act.
Programming just with goto's is like swatting flies with a sledgehammer.
Programs: What software used to be, back when we knew how to write
it.
Protect your software at all costs; all else is meat.
Quality assurance: A way to ensure you never deliver shoddy goods accidentally.
RAM DISK is not an installation procedure!
REALITY.DAT not found. Atempting to restore Universe......
REALITY.SYS corrupted- reboot Universe (Y/N)?
Random access is the optimum of the mass storages.
Real programmers use: COPY CON PROGRAM.EXE
Real programs don't eat cache.
Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular?
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
Replace repetitive expressions by calls to a common function.
Resistance is useless! (If < 1 ohm)
Revolutionary: Disk drives go round and round.
Revolutionary: The disk drives go round and round.
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! - Ken
Thompson
SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out!" - Ken
Thompson
SENILE.COM found... Out Of Memory.
SET DEVICE=EXXON to screw up your environment.
Satisfaction Guaranteed: We'll send you another copy if it fails.
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte,
byte!
Software engineer: One who engineers others into writing the code for
him/her.
Software is best understood as a branch of movie making. - Ted Nelson
Software is mind work. Having the right frame of mind is essential.
Software is to computers as yeast is to dough. - Chuck Bradshaw
Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand progress.
Spellchecker not found. Press -- to continue ...
Spelling checkers at maximum! Fire!
Stack Error: Lost on a cluttered desk...
Stack Overflow: Too many pancakes...
Stack manipulation - the use of inflatable falsies. -Datamazing, 4/1/78
State-of-the-art: What we could do with enough money.
State-of-the-practice: What we can do with the money you have.
Steinbach's Rule: Never test for an error condition you don't know
how to handle
Stock item: We shipped it once before, and we can do it again, probably.
Structured Programming supports the law of the excluded muddle.
Supercomputer: Turns CPU-bound problem into I/O-bound problem. - Ken
Batcher
Sure it's user-friendly...if you know what you're doing.
Swap read error. You lose your mind.
System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.
System going down at 5 pm to install scheduler bug.
Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. - R. S. Barton
Terminal glare: A look that kills...
That does not compute.
The Soviet Union does not exist any more in its present format.
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its power cord.
The best packed information most resembles random noise.
The best way to accelerate a Mac is at 9.8 m / sec^2
The computer is mightier than the pen, the sword, and usually, the
programmer.
The computer is the Proteus of machines. - Seymour Papert
The computing field is always in need of new cliches. - Alan Perlis
The determined programmer can write a FORTRAN program in any language.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
The less time planning, the more time programming.
The moving cursor prints, and having printed, blinks on.
The next generation of computers will have a "Warranty Expired" interrupt.
The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected.
(6/72)
The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.
The program is absolutely right; therefore, the computer must be wrong.
The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'. -Weinberg,
p.152
The purpose of computing is insight, not numbers. - Hamming
The steady state of disks is full. - Ken Thompson
The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
The whole is the sum of its parts, plus one or more bugs
The wise person writes bomb-proof code.
The world is coming to an end... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!
The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out.
The world's coming to an end. Log off and leave in an orderly fashion.
There are always at least two ways to program the same thing.
There are never any bugs you haven't found yet.
There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one
works.
There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a
bad program.
There is no problem that, when programmed just right, isn't more complicated.
There must be more to life than compile-and-go.
This BBS is ancient. Some say from the echocene.
This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory.
This login session: $13.76, but for you: $11.88.
This message transmitted on 100% recycled electrons.
This screen intentionally left blank.
This system will self-destruct in five minutes.
This time it will surely run.
Those who can't write, write help files.
Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach,
HACK!
Thrashing is just virtual crashing.
To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.
To define recursion, we must first define recursion.
To err is human; to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine. - Robert Heller
To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program.
Todays assembler command : EXOP Execute Operator
Trojan: Storage device for replicating codes...
Try not to let implementation details sneak into design documents.
UNIX is a computer virus with a user interface.
UNIX is many things to many people, but it has never been everything
to anybody.
USER ERROR: replace user and press any key to continue.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Unprecedented performance: Nothing ever ran this slow before.
Use emacs, vi vi vi is the sign of the beast.
Use GOTOs only to implement a fundamental structure.
Use IF...ELSE IF...ELSE IF...ELSE... to implement multi-way branches.
Use free-form input where possible.
User: A harmless drudge.
Variables won't; constants aren't. - Osborn
Virus detected! P)our chicken soup on motherboard?
Volume in Drive C: TOO_LOUD!
WOMAN.ZIP: Great Shareware, but be careful of viruses...
WOMEN.EXE: A great program, but it doesn't come with documentation...
What do computer engineers use for birth control? Their personalities.
What this country needs is a good five-cent microcomputer.
When a program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes.
When all else fails, let a = 7. If that doesn't help, then read the
manual.
When we write programs that "learn", it turns out we do and they don't.
Where the system is concerned, you are not allowed to ask "Why?".
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?
Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid
users?
Years of development: We finally got one to work.
You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME.
You can't make a program without broken egos.
You depend too much on computers for information.
You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the
computer.
You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that
version.
You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!
You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers.
You have junk mail.
You know it is going to be a bad day when you forget your new password.
You might have mail.
You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.
Your e-mail has been returned due to insufficient voltage.
Your fault, core dumped.
Your password is pitifully obvious.
ZAP! Process discontinued. Enter any 12-digit prime number to resume.
ZMODEM: Big bits, Soft blocks, Tighter ASCII...
[If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses]
[Unix] is not necessarily evil, like OS/2. - Peter Norton
f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
fortune: No such file or directory
grep..grep..grep... (Frog with UNIX stuck in its' throat)
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
High Tech Toung Twister Who does Bill bill when Bill's builds build?
Seen on the back of a 2 trailer flatbed lumber truck (the first trailer
was very long and the second trailer was very short) "Caution: This truck
makes wierd turns"
Our "Stable is Job #1" build is symphony:/build/xmp.maint. Our "#2
job, found in a stable" build is symphony:/build/xmp.latest.
If you are not quite up to naked ambition, maby try some scantily-clad
enthusiasm. George Dolbier 96
What can compare to a brazen hussy? A char broiled slut?
One can only find enlightment by groaping in the dark. -George Dolbier
The only constant thing in life is change The rate of change in life
is not constant -George Dolbier
"Not a morning person" doesn't even begin to cover it.
A morning without coffee is like something without something else.
Crankiness....for me it's just as natural as morning.
Death before dishonor, but neither before breakfast.
Even if I'm not asleep, that doesn't mean I'm awake.
I am under the influence of sugar, caffeine, and lack of sleep, and
should not be held responsible for my behavior.
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
Life is much too complicated in the morning.
Sleep deprivation is fun--you see such pretty colors.
Sleep is for wimps. Happy, healthy, well-rested wimps, but wimps nonetheless.
The first cup of coffee recapitulates phylogeny.
What am I doing out of bed?
Who the hell let the morning people run things?
Death before decaf.
It's hard to seize the day when first you've got to grapple with the
morning.
I may rise, but I refuse to shine.
You never gain something but that you lose something --Thoreau
"All generalizations are false."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons."
"Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death"
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Conserve toilet paper, use both sides."
"REHAB is for quitters"
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"All men are Idiots, and I married their King!"
"Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician"
"SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish"
"Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! "
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition."
"Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"If you don't like the news, go out and make some."
"I Brake For No Apparent Reason."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
IRS."
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.! "
"Nobody's ugly after 5 beers and 12 martinis! "
"Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"No Radio - Already Stolen"
"Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs."
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Few women admit their age, Few men act it! "
"I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar!"
"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"
"Learn from your parents mistakes - use birth control!"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist."
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got. "
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools."
"According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist."
"Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill."
"Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have."
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"
"I'm not as think as you drunk I am"
"First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffe-ring.."
Seen on a woman's car: "Men call us birds, we pick up worms"
"Don't come knocking if the car is rocking"
"Save Water - Take a bath with your neighbor's daughter"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?"
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder..."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy."
"Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."
"Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."
"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"
My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get
buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should
have told him the truth--that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally--but
I didn't want to upset him. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
It sure would be nice if we got a day off for the president's birthday,
like they do for the queen. Of course, then we would have a lot of people
voting for a candidate born on July 3 or December 26, just for the long
weekends. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Democracy is a beautiful thing, except for that part about letting
just any old yokel vote. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Home is where the house is. --From a newspaper contest where entrants
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher.
That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number. --From a newspaper
contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTION
As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a
few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days
saved up. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
It would be terrible if the Red Cross Bloodmobile got into an accident.
No, wait. That would be good because if anyone needed it, the blood would
be right there. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to
imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept
the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money. --From a newspaper contest
where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE
MENTION
The people who think Tiny Tim is strange are the same ones who think
it odd that I drive without pants. --From a newspaper contest where entrants
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then
the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what
happens to cheese when you leave it out. --From a newspaper contest where
entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE
MENTION
Think of the biggest number you can. Now add five. Then, imagine if
you had that many Twinkies. Wow, that's five more than the biggest number
you could come up with! --From a newspaper contest where entrants were
asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
I bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
--From a newspaper contest where entrantts were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
The only stupid question is the one that is never asked, except maybe
"Don't you think it is about time you audited my return?" or "Isn't is
morally wrong to give me a warning when, in fact, I was speeding?" --From
a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Once, I wept for I had no shoes. Then I came upon a man who had no
feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he really needed them,
right? --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
When I go to heaven, I want to see my grandpa again. But he better
have lost the nose hair and the old-man smell. --From a newspaper contest
where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE
MENTION
I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is
why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash
clothes on the last day of their life? --From a newspaper contest where
entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE
MENTION
I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some
people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he sucks. --From
a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts
by Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about
the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" --From a newspaper contest
where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" HONORABLE
MENTION
If you really want to impress people with your computer literacy, add
the words "dot com" to the end of everything you say, dot com. --From a
newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by
Jack Handey" HONORABLE MENTION
I like to go down to the dog pound and pretend that I've found my dog.
Then I tell them to kill it anyway because I already gave away all of his
stuff. Dog people sure don't have a sense of humor. --From a newspaper
contest where entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey"
HONORABLE MENTION
I don't know about you, but I enjoy watching paint dry. I imagine that
the wet paint is a big freshwater lake that is the only source of water
for some tiny cities by the lake. As the lake gets drier, the population
gets more desperate, and sometimes there are water riots. Once there was
a big fire and everyone died. --From a newspaper contest where entrants
were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" THIRD RUNNER UP
I once heard the voice of God. It said "Vrrrrmmmmm." Unless it was
just a lawn mower. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked
to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" SECOND RUNNER UP
I gaze at the brilliant full moon. The same one, I think to myself,
at which Socrates, Aristotle, and Plato gazed. Suddenly, I imagine they
appear beside me. I tell Socrates about the national debate over one's
right to die and wonder at the constancy of the human condition. I tell
Plato that I live in the country that has come the closest to Utopia, and
I show him a copy of the Constitution. I tell Aristotle that we have found
many more than four basic elements and I show him a periodic table. I get
a box of kitchen matches and strike one. They gasp with wonder. We spend
the rest of the night lighting farts. --From a newspaper contest where
entrants were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" FIRST RUNNER
UP
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world
peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. --From a newspaper contest where entrants were asked to imitate
"Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey" WINNER
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
Sex is like air, it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyways.
If vegetable oil is made of vegetables, what is baby oil made of?
No guts, no glory, no brain, same story.
Cocaine is gods way of telling you that you make too much money.
If quiters never win, and winners never cheat, then who is the fool
who said "Quit while you're ahead"?
If you don't die from it -- it is healthy.
If everything is going well, you don't know what the hell is Going
on.
One good turn gets most of the blankets.
It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
There are three kinds of people -- those who can count and those who
can't.
It is not what a teenager knows that bothers his parents, it is how
he found out.
My homework is like a juicy steak -- rarely done.
There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
If at first you don't succeed -- give up! No use being a damn fool.
Falling in love is awfully simple. Falling out of love is simply awful.
No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles.
shred until your dead george Dolbier 96
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights
off?
When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
What's another word for thesaurus?
The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live
with . . .
Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before.
Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.
If they're OK, you're it.
Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
COROLLARY: If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where
you live.
The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody
appreciates how difficult it was.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning
to others.
Universal Law: You can't fall off the floor.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy
to criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid as well.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you
left them to where you can't find them.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will
not be distributed evenly.
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. --Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure. --Ambrose Bierce
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast. A woman
drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her. What
contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? --W.C. Fields
Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. --Lady Astor
to Winston Churchill Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. --His
reply
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
--David Daye
Work is the curse of the drinking classes. --Oscar Wilde
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny
Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all
of the time and have the time of your life.
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. --Tom
Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
Beer is good food.
you don't like jail? naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
--Charles Bukowski
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose. --Deep Thought, Jack Handy
It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.
Life is too short to drink cheap beer.
Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore
Beer: Nature's laxative.
Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!
One more drink and I'd be under the host. --Dorothy Parker
All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking
Barry Manilow. --Dave Barry
When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a
year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter
with slightly over half that quantity of beer. --Postpetroleum Guzzler,
Dave Barry
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind
is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but
the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. --Dave Barry's Bad Habits,
Dave Barry
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in
beer. --Dave Barry
My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and
find that workouts cut into my drinking time. --A Wolverine is Eating My
Leg
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart
Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.
If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...
Draft beer, not people!
Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a
pig wouldn't eat. --David Geary
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. --David
Moulton
A drink a day keeps the shrink away. --Edward Abbey
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot. --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
Put it back in the horse! --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in
the '30s-'50s, after he drank his first American beer at a bar.
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they
still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown
away?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an
endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights
off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? Back
Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted,
then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
I started out with nothing... I still have most of it.
I tried to get a life once, but they were out of stock.
I went to school to become a wit, only got half-way through.
I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.
If all is not lost, where is it?
If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished.
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
It was all so different before everything changed.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Old programmers never die. They just terminate and stay resident.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
The first rule of holes: If you're in one, stop digging.
When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial
flavors, and furniture polish is made from real lemons.
--Alfred E. Newman
A baby usually wakes up in the wee-wee hours of the morning.
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
A young child is a noise with dirt on it.
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world
have nothing to do with tires.
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Avenge yourself; live long enough to be a problem to your children.
Be nice to your kids, for it is they who will choose your nursing home.
Celibacy is not hereditary.
Familiarity breeds children.
For adult education, nothing beats children.
God invented mothers because he couldn’t be everywhere at once.
God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Having children will turn you into your parents.
If a child looks like his father, that’s heredity; if he looks like
a neighbor, that’s environment.
If you have trouble getting your children’s attention, just sit down
and look comfortable.
Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.
Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.
It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his
father.
It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when they’ll know
as little as their parents.
Money isn’t everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.
You can learn many things from children... like how much patience you
have.
Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly
underpaid.
The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also
turns to the left.
There are three ways to get things done:
1) do it yourself
2) hire someone to do it
3) forbid your kids to do it
There would be fewer problems with children if they had to chop wood
to keep the television set going.
Those who say they “sleep like a baby” haven’t got one.
The best thing to spend on your children is time.
"If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the
video camera and come help me."
--Bobcat Goldthwait
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint,
and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
--Kevin Meaney
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she
learned how to
swim. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to
teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
"I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock
every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody
stands there
picking the locks, they are always locking three."
--Elayne Boosler
"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of
four people make up 75 percent of the population."
--David Letterman
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
--Jay Leno
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
--Dick Cavett
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
--Garry Shandling
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to
feed it."
--Steven Wright
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm
way too high!'"
--Bruce Baum
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked
about was
herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm
hot. I'm on fire. Me, me,
me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come
on, could we talk about me
just a little bit?"
--Garry Shandling
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
--Jerry Seinfeld
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the
poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' "
--Richard Jeni
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
--Paul Rodriguez
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could
be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly
in a single file line from smallest to tallest.
What is the logic?
Do tall people burn slower?"
--Warren Hutcherson
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?"
--John Mendoza
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
--Steven Wright
"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend
wants to leave
you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There
should be
severance pay, and before they leave you, they should
have to find you
a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors
of that study: Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and
they would only play with each other."
--Rita Rudner
"I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the
pumpkin."
--Winston Spear
"I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting
C-Span and the Home Shopping Network on the same
station. I actually
bought a congressman."
--Bruce Baum
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
--Marsha Warfield
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to
use language that makes him the dominant species
on the planet.
That may be. But I think there's
one other thing that separates us
from animals -- we aren't afraid of vaccuum cleaners."
--Jeff Stilson
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me
advice. One day, he took me aside and left
me there."
--Ron Richards
"Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say
the same thing: 'This looks much better on.'
On what? On fire?"
--Rita Rudner
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the
letter."
--Drew Carey
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
--Yakov Smirnoff
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
--Bill Maher
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
--Jay Mohr
"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt
with a bloodstain
all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.
Maybe you should get
rid of the body before you do the wash."
--Jerry Seinfeld
Friends help you move, real friends help you move bodies.
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked
something.
Support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
Drink ‘til she’s cute, but stop before the wedding
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy
If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States
Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder ...
24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for
you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the
bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is
research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have tocatch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you’ve never tried
before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don’t sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be VERY proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of
payments.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse-it’ll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
Everybody repeat after me.....”We are all individuals.”
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Death to all fanatics!
Guests who kill talk show hosts
-On the last Geraldo.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
Beware of geeks bearing gifts.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Copyright(c) 1987-1999 George Dolbier