If You Say So..
It has been several years since we last met each other. The very last time, was at a friend’s engagement party, five – or was it four?- question-filled and long years ago. The focus of the ceremony was not us, so it was understandable, that we concentrated on the festivities, and not on one another. After that night, under the sun-baked and wind-swept beaches of Batu Ferringhi, Pinang, I did not hear from her anymore.
Long after that, I prayed that she would finally reach me, and that we could at least stay in touch. As time slipped by, I felt as though I was losing sight of her. Each torturous year after another, I yearned to see her again. Futility was the theme of each class reunion, as beloved Katherine never showed up, never graced the occasions with her presence, much to my despair, and dismay. The anxiety of years built up with each passing moment, as I sought the person that I so dearly missed and cherished.
Today, she still looks as beautiful as before. Still as graceful and angelic as she was then, in high school. The memory of our time in Form Four will forever remain entrenched in my mind. I had the privileged position of siting next to her, and remember the accumulative hours that I spent, just idling away at my table, head on hand, and staring at her, whilst loving every minute of it. Her stoical disposition was always a subtle fascination to me. She was the prize trophy for any boy in school, but they didn’t love her like I did, and never would. Her eyes were what I loved the most, silent and cool, betraying nothing, leaving so much to assume as to what she was feeling or thinking. She was an enigma, one that drove anyone’s imagination wild with curiosity. Deep down inside, I must have known I was in love with her, yet a state of denial came over me, each time my friends decided to tease me about it. Not till the year-end break, did I realise how true they were.
The first week was fine, till my heart began to make itself heard and felt. I missed her, and I was at wit’s end as to what to do about it. Despite burying myself in books, in preparation for Form 5 (which the teachers had gleefully told us to do), her image was constantly conjured up in front of my eyes, clouding my grey matter. Insomnia became my new best friend, as I struggled through the second week of the holiday. Finally, I decided to do something about it.
On a cloudy November day, I dashed to the nearest florist on my bicycle, and spent my entire weekly allowance on a bouquet of roses. It cost me thirty ringgit, but the expense was well worth it, in my view, considering it would have cost a mini-fortune on Valentine’s Day. I had judiciously noted her love of red roses, something she had talked at length about. I proceeded on the two miles to her house, hoping I could give them and see her, ridding me of at least some of my heart-felt emptiness caused by her absence.
Unfortunately, as fate would have had it, it began to rain. I cursed myself silently for deciding to undertake my adventure on a day as this, and pedalled furiously to her house, hoping that her flowers wouldn’t be ruined by the time I got there. The flowers became the least of my worries, as an accident, brought on by my horrendous display of speed, turned a wet and dreary November day into a very miserable one indeed. I don’t really remember much of the accident, except that some stupid dog had this insane idea of crossing the road right in front of me. I swerved, and crashed into the 6-foot deep storm drain at the roadside, already filled with water from the rain, mere metres from her house. Aunt Maria, Katherine’s neighbour, was a kindly soul, and saw me on my way to the hospital. I spent the rest of that miserable holiday in bed, praying to the Almighty to work a little bit quicker on my broken legs, as if He had nothing better to do.
School returned, and I was barely out of my casts when I was swept into the world of Form 5. I finally saw her again, sweet beautiful Katherine, and I could not summon the courage to tell her of my heart’s longings. The year passed in blindingly quick fashion, each day a blur, each week a moment in the kaleidoscope of life. The only constant was Katherine, her face a joy to admire, her presence more felt than seen, as if my eyes weren’t enough to bring upon her. The SPM came, and went. It was not till the last day of school, that I summoned some semblance of bravery, and admitted my yearning for her. Then again, it wasn’t face-to-face. I penned her a poem, which went like this….
A few years have passed,
Wow, does time fly by fast,
Events come and go,
But our friendship will always glow.
Through the years, that I got to know you,
I found that I have grown fond of you.
I don’t know why, I don’t know how,
But I guess its called love, right now.
I try to help the best I can,
But nothing seems to please you,
You don’t know but I can see,
How neutral you are to me.
But even though these are done,
I still love you tons and tons,
Cause you do comfort me when I am down,
And make me laugh by being a clown.
I remember the time that I got pissed,
With you, I think, it wasn’t bliss.
After a while we became friends again,
Till this day, you were never a pain.
I don’t know why I’m writing this,
I guess I couldn’t give this a miss,
I wonder whether we’ll be more than friends,
Or will we stay like this, till the end….
It was not a very good piece of composition though, and I will forever live it down as my worst ever piece of poetry. She must have thought it anomalous in me that I would be absorbed in such a ‘trivial’ matter. My heart at the time certainly did not regard it as trivial. Far from it, it was screaming at my head for being a coward and not telling her any sooner, or being a man and telling her my true feelings in person. Embarrassment greeted me each time I saw her, and I felt a lump form in my throat each time.
I never received a serious response from her after that. All I got, and all that I treasured at the time, was her smile, a smile that melted my heart, and made me realise just how much my love for her had taken over my being, my small excuse of a life. Then, we parted, to further our studies. I went to Manchester; she zoomed off to Adelaide. Separation was bordering on the unbearable. At times, I felt overwhelmed by the intensity of the loneliness and yearning I felt for her. My heartache was with me wherever I went, as I kept on kicking myself for letting this happen to me. I spent hours and hours poring over every piece of anything that had the slightest link to her. The pen she had given me for my 17th birthday. Her letters and postcards from Adelaide, which I always replied. Her replies soon stopped, after 5 months. Photos of her. Heck, I brought along the school magazine for good measure, reading her message to me countless times, till I practically memorised the half-page long farewell message. Solitude is a great consummating experience, and it sets the heart in love aflame. Who had said it? "Absence makes the heart grow fonder".
Then, out of the blue, we finally met again last week. At, fittingly (or ironically), a chapel in Paris. It was our best friend’s wedding. She was apparently the bridesmaid, and I was the best man. We were told at the 11th hour of our impending - and unexpected – roles. The ceremony was grand, and I felt honoured, being chosen for this task by Mark, as the grandeur of the occasion swept me up by its pure energy and emotion. At the end of it all, I finally took my chance, to have a conversation with her.
"How do you do, Katherine?" I asked her when I saw her.
"How do you do?" she replied, enigmatic as ever.
"Busy. I guess you could say the same about yourself," I said tentatively, hoping to draw a response. Her warm smile changed the complexion of the conversation.
"You seem to be getting luckier at guessing." Another heart-warming smile. "I really needed a break from the rat race. There hasn’t been a public holiday for me, except for Christmas for the past four years." I returned a smile of my own, and eased ahead.
"You haven’t changed at all. Still the Katherine that everyone around here knows a little about. And I stress the word ‘little’." She gazed at me with her burning eyes. I loved every minute of it.
"Oh, come off it. Be more specific."
"Well, still strong and ambitious. Diligent, sharp, and good at what you do." She smiled broadly at that, and I could have melted to the floor at that instant.
"Well, I hope that is the last performance assessment I’ll ever have to hear from you again. You’re far too generous." I began to push a bit, hoping to get her to reveal more of her past years away from me.
"So, are you married?"
"Yes, I am."
For a second, my heart skipped countless beats, and I began to feel a lump in my throat. Despair and disappointment seemed to well up in me. I tried to play cool, hoping any further talk would be removed of the jealousy that I felt.
"Oh? And who is the lucky guy?" Her mouth opened wide in surprise, and I was taken aback.
"To my company, of course!" she said, and we both burst into a fit of laughter. My anxiety drained away, as I scolded myself for being so presumptuous. It was near bliss to hear her laugh again.
"I hear that your company is doing really well, Katherine. Considering the global economy and all that." My humour was well received, and I was rewarded with another laugh. I seemed to drink it in.
"I’d be a fool to be content with it. Sometimes, one success is never enough, and we must always look to the next one. As it is, I plan to open a branch here." Anticipation welled up in me. Could she possibly need … "I’d like a bit of a helping hand in putting it together and setting it up…" She smiled again, and I felt like sinking to the floor.
"Katherine, if you’re asking me for help, I sincerely think that you’ll be better off without me. Besides, I have my own company to run." I knew I was lying, and I guess she knew it too.
"Oh, why not? I could make you the second-biggest shareholder. Trust me, it’ll be a very rewarding monetary investment, by the end of the year." I suddenly saw a window of opportunity, and decided that I should take it.
"Well..." I began slowly, "I can’t make a decision straight away, you know." She raised an eyebrow, and smiled again, before her eyes slowly scanned the floor. "I think we should discuss this over dinner…" She looked up at me, and her eyes lit up almost immediately.
"Sure."
"Tomorrow night? 8.30."
"I see no problem with that. Pick me up at the Hilton, 8.30." At that moment, I felt like whooping out with joy, and cartwheeling all around the banquet hall.
"I’ll be looking forward to it. Anyway, Katherine, it’s late. You need your beauty sleep and I need to think of what to wear." I put on my best smile for her, as she laughed and playfully punched me on the shoulder. I almost wished for her to do it again.
"Beauty sleep? I don’t think so. So, tomorrow night at 8.30 then. Good night."
"Good night." I watched her walk off to the entrance, her presence trailing her out of the room, as she moved around knots of people, and made her way to the hall’s doors. For the duration of her exit, my eyes never left her.
I arrived the next night at the Hilton in my BMW, almost half an hour early. I fidgeted endlessly in my car seat, as I waited for the minutes to tick by. Finally, my dashboard clock announced the time as 8.30, and I left the car and headed for the lobby. I inquired at the front desk for Katherine’s room, and quickly made my way up to room 214. I anxiously rang the doorbell to her room, as though waiting for a prom date, my nervousness making plays throughout my tension-racked body. When she opened the door, I glimpsed a part of heaven.
She wore a black silk dress, devilishly cut to her curves, a statement of beauty. The radiance of her cherubic face bathed me in a giddiness I had never felt before. She was the effluence of pure femininity. The strong, piercing eyes seemed to look right through me, and I was spellbound by her awesome presence. I smuggled a smile onto my face, trying to replace the gawky stare that I was actually giving her.
"Shall we go then?" she said simply. And so began a night that I would never forget for the rest of my life.
We dined at a nearby Italian restaurant. The food was excellent, and I breathed every moment, and savoured it as though it were my last breath. There was a violinist present, and he had to be psychic or something, because he came to our table right after we finished dinner and played a beautiful tune that tugged at my heart strings and made me yearn for her even more, even though she sat just across me. Gingerly, I asked her for a dance and she accepted.
The steps were slow and graceful, the music soft, more heart-felt than actually heard. I held her as close as I dared, not wanting to overstep any boundaries, not wanting to ruin the intimacy that was already there. I knew that the song wouldn’t last forever, and I decided that I had to profess what I felt, and commit the words I had to say to the ears of eternity, to hear and echo in my memory.
"Katherine…… I love you……" I softly whispered into her ear. She calmly turned her head to look at my face, and gave me a smile…A smile that echoed through my memory, turned back the years, to that final day of form 5. That smile…the one I had cherished so deeply.
"Katherine…" I began slowly. "What does that smile mean? Every time I’ve asked you something, or wanted to know its meaning, all you did was smile back. Why?"
"It has been a smile that I have kept only for you. All you have to know, is that it means I am happy…" The kiss was soft and delicate, as though delivered by the breeze of love upon which I had floated Katherine’s name all this while. I held her close as I tried to control the swelling of emotion in my chest, unrestrained and unbidden by any boundaries or hindrance. The night was danced away, a celebration of love, and of souls coming together as one.
We were wedded the next day, in the same chapel that our friend had used for his own wedding service. And so, we spent our honeymoon in the beautiful city of Paris, the city of hopes and dreams, the city of love and everlasting happiness.
Copyright. Syed Rafie, 2001.
