| Dear Marlena, I am 13 years old and I want to have sex with my boyfriend. I know it seems young, but I feel like I am ready. The problem is, I am not on birth control and my boyfriend will not wear a condom. What should I do? -Rachel |
| Dear Rachel, A few questions come to my mind when I read your question. WHY doesn't your boyfriend want to wear a condom? How old is he? How long have you been dating? What makes you think you are ready for sex? Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that you are not ready. I personally believe that readiness consists of many different factors, and age is not always the most important one. Anyway, I am very impressed that you chose to consult someone about this, and that you are considering your options BEFORE you do it. That makes me believe you are a very mature 13 year old. Some options for getting birth control might be to check your phone book for women's health clinics. There is one called 'Planned Parenthood', and if there is one in your area, they could assist you in finding the right birth control for you confidentially, and they can also disscuss with you your decision to have sex. There are also some over the counter birth control options that you could use besides condoms, like spermicidal cream, or the female condom. You could also check with your family doctor, if you have one.. Because of confidentiality laws, your doctor will not tell your parents or anyone else what your appointment is for, or what you disscussed. Please keep in mind that no form of birth control is 100% effective, so you should be prepared for the chance of actually becoming pregnant and parenting a baby with your boyfriend. Is that something your willing to do? More importantly, no form of birth control EXCEPT a condom will protect you from Sexually Transmitted Diseases such as Chlamydia and AIDS. Some of which, there is no cure for. If I were you, I would ask your boyfriend to get an STD check and make sure he is clean and you are the only one he is having sex with before you agree to sex without a condom. The bottom line is, If he really loved you, he would respect your decision regarding sex, even if you decided you are not ready right now. And if he does anything else but accept it, he is probably not the one you would want to lose your virginity with. That is a precious thing that you can never get back! -Marlena |
| Dear Marlena, I have a very big problem. I have 2 daughters, aged 4 and 2 1/2. I leave them everyday with a nanny that I found through an agency. She is excellent with my children and they adore her. But lately, I have been finding odd things that lead me to suspect she is doing innapropriate things in my house. For instance, the last channel my TV was on when I got home one day was an adult channel. and another day, I found her underwear mixed in with some wash she had done for me. Since she is so great with my kids, I don't want to ruin the relationship with her by confronting her. Maybe I am wrong! I hope I am. This is such a difficult situation! -Sandy. |
| Dear Sandy, Your right about this being a difficult situation! I dont know that a way to find out what you want to know AND not affect the realtionship with your nanny exists. But if you proceed with caution, this CAN be a positive learning experience for the both of you. My first thought is what exactly are you concerned with? Is it the fact that she may be doing these things, or that she may be doing these things with your kids around? Or are you just offended by the lack of respect for your home? All those concerns are very valid! You have a few options. You could purchase one of those video survellience cameras to place in your home. By doing this, you risk losing her trust and will definatlely affect the relationship when she finds out. BUT, by taking this route, you also may just find that she indeed was innocent of these crimes, and therefore you can save any disruption of your home by not saying anything. Another option would be just to let it go and trust that she is taking care of your babies well and that, afterall, is all she is employed to do, right? I, however, could not go that route, because I could not sleep well at night wondering IF my children could be involved in this sexual stuff. At age 2 and 4, they may not have the words to tell you, or they may love their nanny so much that they dont realize what she is doing is wrong. That is only IF she IS in fact involving them. Watch for cues from your children. Have they showed any odd behavior such as knowing things about adult sex that she shouldn't? Have they been experiencing nighmares? You can look online for signs your children are being abused. Your other option, of course, is to go ahead and confront her. You could do it in a non-accusatory way. You could start out by saying, while holding her underwear in your hand, "Somehow your underwear mistakenly ended up in my laundry." She may then offer you an explanation. If she doesn't, you can continue by starting out with her positives and contributions to the family. Say something like, "Billy and Sarah really love having you around and so do I. Our family has changed so much for the better, since you have been here! On thursday, I noticed that the channel was on (such and such channel) and I was just wondering how it got there, since Bob and I never watch those channels." Try to explain to her that you are her friend and that you are both interested in what is best for the children, and that you just have some concerns, that you are sure she has a reasonable explanation for. Then sit back and really listen to her. Watch her body movement and her eyes. You will be surprised how well your own 'lie detectors' work when you put them to use. You could also take some other precautions like putting passwords on all the adult channels you subscribe to, or having those channels permanently removed from your stations. I would say that in the end, go with your instincts on what to do next. -Marlena |
| Eventually, as I get more advice requests, I will separate the answers in to catagories such as, 'teen advice", "relationship advice" "parenting advice", etc... But for now, they are just sort of blended together. |
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| Dear Marlena, I am having a problem with work. No matter how hard I try, my boss thinks everything I do is wrong. And the other people at my job are constantly watching me and trying to get me in trouble! What can I do? -Suzanne |
| Dear Suzanne, How did this begin? Look at yourself and your work ethics honestly. Are you giving your co-workers a reason to suspect your not doing your job? As long as your not giving them any reason, let them waste their time and energy following you around. Maybe over time they will see that you ARE doing your job and back off. At the very least, it is their problem, not yours. As for your boss, maybe you could suggest a meeting? A meeting to discuss exactly what the procedures are for the jobs he or she is giving you. Just tell him or her that you want to do your job correctly and you need to know how. Remember that the reality is, you are there to do what your boss tells you. If he tells you to fix something, then fix it. And your attitude is very important too. If he or she sees that you are trying hard to do a good job and being positive about your mistakes, he or she is more likely to give you a chance and to explain things to you in more detail. If there is just a true personality conflict between you, your boss and your coworkers, which you have decided is just too much for you to handle, then you can consider looking for another position. But keep in mind that learning to deal with these types of people is a very valuable tool and one that you will use frequently because these kinds of people are everywhere you go. They don't call it 'work' for nothing! ;-) I hope this helps. |