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Jokes

A dumb blonde calls the fire department and says, "Help me- my house is on fire!!"

The fireman says, "Where do you live?"

The dumb blonde replies, "I don't know"

The fireman asks, "How do you expect us to get there?"

The dumb blonde replies sarcastically, "Duhhhh, the little red truck"


Q: What is similar between a UFO and a smart blonde?

A: You always hear about them, but never see one.


A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!" He figured that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment, unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it's the blonde's turn. she asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $50. The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.


Two blonds were traveling in a car to Disneyland. They were traveling along the freeway and were almost there, when they came to a sign which said "Disneyland Left". SO they turned around and drove home.



1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her house was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old (5 1/4 in.) diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later, a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and going across the room to close the door.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it infront of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

8. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

9. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had even tried turning the computer screen to face the printer - but his computer still couldn't find it.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happened." The "foot pedal" turned out ot be the mouse!!

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWare SysOp:
Caller:
"Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech:
"Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller:
"The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech:
"I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller:
"Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech:
"Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller:
"It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '24X' on it."

At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

13. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with it, but I squeezed it in. When it said to put in the third disk - I just can't get it in at all!"

Ten Dog Rules
1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. Ok, fine, the dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the
humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only!
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.


The first little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man told him it was straight ahead. Then the second little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" The bar man said, "Okay." Then the little pig said, "Can I use your toilet?" The bar man said straight ahead. The third little pig walked into the bar and said, "Can I have a rum and coke?" and the bar man said, "Okay." Then the bar man said, "I suppose you want to use the toilet?" But the third little pig replied, "No, I'm the pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."


A duck goes into a bar and askes the bartender, "You got any fish?" The bartender replies, "No, this is a bar and we don't sell fish," so the duck leaves. The next day, the duck goes back to the bar and asks, "You got any fish?" The bartender says, "I told you yesterday, this is a bar and we don't sell fish!" The following day the duck returns and says, "You got any fish?" The bartender loses it, grabs the duck by the neck and screams, "I TOLD YOU TWICE, THIS IS A BAR. WE DON'T SELL FISH. IF YOU ASK AGAIN, I'M GONNA NAIL YOUR WEBBED FEET TO THE FLOOR!" The next day, the duck goes into the bar and asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender sighs and says, "No, we don't have any nails." The duck says, "Good. Got any fish?"


This man goes to a bar with his dog. The guy goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartenders says, "You can't bring that dog in here!" The guy doesn't miss a beat. "This is my seeing-eye dog." "Oh man," the bartenders says, "I'm sorry. Here, the first one's on me." The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door. Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guy sees him, stops him and says, "You can't bring that dog in here unless you tell him it's a seeing-eye dog." The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartenders says, "Hey, you can't bring that dog in here!" The second man replies, "This is my seeing-eye dog." The bartender says, "No, I don't think so. They do not have Chihuahuas as seeing-eye dogs." The man pauses for a half-second and replies, "WHAT?!? They gave me a Chihuahua?"


A parrot was in a pet shop with a string attached to each leg when a man walked in looking to buy a pet. A shopkeeper came over and started to try and sell him a dog when the man noticed the parrot. He asked what the strings were for and the shopkeeper replied, "Well, if you pull the right string the parrot says, 'Polly wanna cracker'. If you pull the left string it says, 'my name's Sam' ". The man being of the inquisitive nature tried both and thought it was really neat, but was still curious. So he asked what would happen if he pulled both strings, the parrot piped up, "I'd fall off the perch you idiot!!!"


A burglar broke into a house one night. Shining his flashlight on the floor in the dark, he heard a voice saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He looked around nervously, shook his head, and kept looking for valuables. He again heard, "Jesus is watching you."
This time, he shone his light all over, and it rested on a parrot. He asked, "Did you say that?"
The parrot admitted that he had. "I'm just trying to warn you, is all."
The burglar said, "Warn me, huh? Who are you? What's your name?"
"Moses."
"Well, what kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird answered, "I don't know; I guess the same folks who would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."







Ben and Haley had gotten up in years, and their memories weren't quite what they used to be. They found it beneficial to write things down so as not to forget them.

One evening they were sitting in the parlor and Haley said, "Ben, be a dear and go to the kitchen and fix me a dish of ice cream and put some chocolate syrup and peanuts on it. And, Ben, write it down so you don't forget the peanuts."

"That's a good idea, Dear." Ben said, and wrote it on the notepad and headed for the kitchen.

Ben was in the kitchen for a while, and returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. Haley looked at it and said, "Oh Ben, you forgot the breakfast toast."

Oh, I knew I should have written it down!" Ben replied.


Signs of Fine Age
* You take a metal detector to the beach.
* You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
* If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You discover bifocals are stylish!
* When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out...and it stays out.
* You discover the words, "whippersnapper", "scalawag" and "by-cracky" creeping into your vocabulary.
* You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
* Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
* You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* You have more hair in your ears and nose than on your head.
* You keep repeating yourself.
* You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
* Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
* You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
* You send money to PBS.
* You sing along with the elevator music.
* Neighbors borrow your tools.
* You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.
* You are proud of your lawn mower.
* Lawn care has become a big highlight of your life.
* Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
* Your classmates at your reunion think you're one of their former teachers.
* Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
* You keep repeating yourself.
* Your relatives longingly refer to your things as your "estate".
* People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
* Your social security number only has three digits.

Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday. According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...


An Irishman driving down the road got pulled over by a policeman. "You're drunk," the cop said. "Thank the good Lord for that," the Irishman replied. "I thought the steering had gone."


An Interesting Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokes model Pop 'N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butter worth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack , Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was piled high with flours as a long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was Kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half backed schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Seinfeldisms
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hurry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to you plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? (ewwww!!)
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?





Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet. The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet). Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet! Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim. It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet. It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity. Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward. Good luck!

DAY ONE

Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly. Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO

Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it. Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor). One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt. Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again. Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE

Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair. Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass. After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit several bites onto the floor. Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY

Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive. Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar. Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet. Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.







Two trucks loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus collided as they left a New York publishing house last Thursday. According to the Associated Press, witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied ...


An Irishman driving down the road got pulled over by a policeman. "You're drunk," the cop said. "Thank the good Lord for that," the Irishman replied. "I thought the steering had gone."


An Interesting Obituary
Veteran Pillsbury spokes model Pop 'N Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butter worth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack , Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave side was piled high with flours as a long time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was Kneaded. Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half backed schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.


Seinfeldisms
1. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
2. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
3. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
4. Why is the word abbreviation so long?
5. Is it possible to be totally partial?
6. What's another word for thesaurus?
7. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
8. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
9. When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?
10. If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
11. If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
12. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
14. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
15. Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
16. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
17. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?
18. Do hurry crows have ravenous appetites?
19. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
20. If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
21. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
22. Instead of talking to you plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
23. Is there another word for synonym?
24. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
25. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
26. When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
27. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
28. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? (ewwww!!)
29. Why do they report power outages on TV?





A police officer had just pulled over a car full of nuns for going too slow on a major highway. The conversation went like this:

Police officer: "Why were you driving so slowly?"

Nun driver: "I kept seeing all these signs with the number 20 on them and figured that was the speed limit."

Police officer: "No, Sister, that is the highway number."

Nun: "Oh, I'm so sorry, Officer, I didn't know that."

Then the police officer looks into the back seat and sees that the nuns there have panic-stricken faces and white knuckles from holding on to each other too tightly.

Police officer: "What's wrong with the nuns in the back seat?"

Nun: "Oh, we just got off Highway 101 a few miles ago."





A guy takes his girlfriend to a football game for the first time. After the game he asked his girlfriend how she liked the game.

"Oh, I really liked it," she said, "but I just couldn't understand though why they were killing each other for 25 cents."

"What do you mean?"

"All they kept screaming was: Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!"



This Texan decides to try skydiving. He jumps out of the plane, pulls the ripcord and nothing happens.

On the way down he passes a guy going up, so he hollers, "Hey, y'all know anything about parachutes?"

The guy says "No, do you know anything about gas barbecues?"



1. OWN BLANKET
A guy's going on a business trip and he has to take his secretary with him, and she's really crazy about him. The first night on the Amtrak, she's in the top bunk and he's in the bottom bunk. She says, "Mr. Forsythe! Mr. Forsythe! I'm chilly! I think I need a blanket!" He says, "Miss Schmitt, how'd you like to pretend you're *Mrs.* Forsythe for a little while? She says, "Oh, I'd like that." He says, "Then get you own damn blanket."

2.SCARE ME?
A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

4. HIS ASHES
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says "What's this?" She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." He goes, "Jeez...oooh....I..." She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

5. SUCK CHOCOLATE
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

6. ANSWER IRON
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and (hold iron to ear) shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

7. STEWED TOMATOES
A guy is going on an ocean cruise, and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor says, "Just eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock." The guy says, "Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?" The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the water."

8. FAT SLOB
A guy goes in to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?"

9. TWO EARS $25,000
A couple gets married and the wife puts a foot locker in the bedroom. She locks it, then puts the only key on a chain around her neck. For fifty years, her husband tries to figure out what's in there, but she always changes the subject, and avoids the issue. Finally, on the night of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, he says to her, "I've got to know what's in the trunk!" She takes the key, unlocks the foot locker, and inside there's two ears of corn and $25,000. The guy says, "What's with the two ears of corn?" She says, "Well, umm, in the fifty years, every time I broke our marriage vows, I put an ear of corn in the trunk." The guy figures, "Twice in fifty years, not so bad..." Then he says, "And what's the $25,000?" She says, "Well, everytime I got a bushel, I sold it."

10. QUALITY CONTROL
How about the stupid guy who got a job at the candy factory, working quality control, throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W"?

11. TOUGH TO PEEL
He doesn't eat M&Ms himself... He says they're too tough to peel.

12. FIRST CHILD
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!" The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?" He says, "No! This is her husband!"

13. HOLY WATER
You know how to make holy water? You take some regular water and you boil the hell out of it.

14. GOT A DRIVER
Two bowling teams charter a double-decker bus; they're going to Atlantic City for the weekend. One team is in the bottom of the bus, and the other team is in the top of the bus. The team down below is whooping it up when one of them realizes he doesn't hear anything from the top. He walks up the stairs, and here are all the guys from the second team clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles, scared ot death. He says, "What the heck's goin' on? We're down here havin' a grand old time." One of the guys from the second team says, "Yeah, but you guys've got a *driver.*"

15. HAPPY PIT BULL
What has four legs and one arm? A happy pit bull.

16. OUTRUN YOU
Two guys are out hiking. All of a sudden, a bear starts chasing them. They climb a tree, but the bear starts climbing up the tree after them. The first guy gets his sneakers out of his knapsack and starts putting them on. The second guy says, "What are you doing? He says, "I figure when the bear gets close to us, we'll jump down and make a run for it." The second guy says, "Are you crazy? You can't outrun a bear." The first guy says, "I don't have to outrun the *bear*... I only have to outrun *you.*"

17. SHELLFISH
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish.

18. ATE MY SOCKS
Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathrom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed. Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, too chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and *he* goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him." Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something." Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

19. 50,40,30
A high school girls runs up to her father. She says, "Daddy, Daddy, I need fifty dollars." He says, "Forty dollars? What do you need thirty dollars for?"

20. SHORT RUNWAY
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Planelanding and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."

21. GOT A MATCH?
Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to twenty years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them. The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. And the third guy asks for two hundred cartons of cigarettes. At the end of the twenty years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific." They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says. "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiuful new family. I love it." They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets, going "Anybody got a match?"

23. THERMOS
A guy walks into Dunkin' Donuts. He says, "Excuse me, miss...how many cups of coffee do you think this thermos will hold?" She says, "I think it's a seven-cup thermos." He says, "All right...give me two black, three cream and sugar."

24. SPOT
What'd the really stupid guy name his pet zebra? "Spot."

25. WALK AROUND WORLD
Did you hear about the idiot who walked around the world? He drowned.

26. AIRPORT
Do you know how you can tell the really stupid guy at the airport? He's the one throwing bread to the planes.

27. PUT UP SCREENS
Two guys are in a submarine. The first guy says, "Man, what are all these fish doing in here?" The other guy says, "I don't know. Maybe we should put up some screens."

28. QUIET PLACE
What's the quietest place in the world? The complaint department at the parachute packing plant.

29. TRUE-FALSE
A little kid's in school, taking a true-false test and he's flipping a coin. At the end of the test he's flipping the coin again. The teacher says, "What are you doing?" He says, "Checking my answers."



40 FUN THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR

1. Make racing car noises when anyone gets on or off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up,dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small Wold" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

13. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

14. Do Tai Chi exercises.

15. Stare, grinning, at other passengers for a while, and announce: "I've got new socks on!"

16. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now,damn motion sickness!"

17. Give religious tracks to each passenger.

18. Meow occasionally.

19. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

20. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "Oops!"

21. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

22. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

23. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

25. Leave a box between the doors.

26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

28. Start a sing-along.

29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

30. Play the harmonica.

31. Shadow box.

32. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

33. Lean against the button panel.

34. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

36. Draw a little square on the floor with a chalk and annouce to other passengers that this is your "personnal space".

37. Bring a chair along.

38. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muhmouf ?"

39. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

40. Scatter powertools around you feet and scream into a radio: "I AIN'T FINISHED YET! THE CABLE ONLY HAS ONE SCREW!!!"







Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One man was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, and the fourth was a government worker. To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that that that was pretty smart. The accountant said that his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each. Everyone agreed that that was good. The chemist said that his dog could do better still. he called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a ten-ounce glass from the cupboard, and poured exactly eight ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that that was pretty impressive. Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, claimed he had injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for worker' compensation, and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave. They all agreed that that was brilliant!



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."





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truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, spots a good place to stop for a beer. As he approaches the bar, and sees a big sign on the door that says, "NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK!" Hummm, Thinking this is a bit strange, he enters and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, looks him over and says "You smell some kind of nerdy". He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "OK, truck drivers aren't nerds." As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him "Why did you do that". The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The Nerds are in season because they are overpopulating this whole Silicon Valley. And Hey, "You don't even need a license." So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of engineers, accountants and programmers. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away. Believing he is doing the right thing, the truck driver reloads his gun. While Preparing to shoot a bunch more of them little nerdy guys, a highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of his car screaming at him, STOP!!! STOP!!! "What's wrong officer? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But the limit is one per day, And you can't BAIT EM !!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------




It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks. Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars. Mommy Bear points her finger through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to go through this? It was Mommy Bear who got up first. It was Mommy Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mommy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mommy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mommy Bear who set the table. It was Mommy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and filled the cat's water and food dish. And now that you've decided to come downstairs and grace me with your presence ... listen good because I'm only going to say this one more time ... I haven't made the stupid porridge yet!!"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said,
"Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."

Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, "Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words."

Brother John said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbot said. "We will get you a better bed."


After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "You may say another two words, Brother John."

"Cold food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.


On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."

"I quit," said Brother John.


"It is probably best, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."




--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



Observing a light across the water,
the captain had his signalman instruct the other vessel to change her course ten degrees south.

The response was prompt:
Change your course ten degrees north."


"I am a captain," he responded testily.
"Change your course ten degrees south."

The reply: "I'm a seaman first class--change your course north."

The captain was furious.
"Change your course now.
I'm on a battleship."


"Change your course ten degrees north, sir--
I'm in a lighthouse!"



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



A drunk walks into a bar
and says to the bartender
(with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that
and hands the man a bill for $57.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender slaps the guy around
a few times
then throws him out into the street.

The very next day
the same drunk walks into the bar
and once again says
(with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice,
so he gives him the benefit of the doubt,
pours a round of drinks for the house,
has a drink himself and hands
the drunk a bill for $67.00.
The drunk says, "I haven't got it."

The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up,
beats the living daylights out of him,
then throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk
walks back into the same bar
and says (with a drunken slur),
"Bartender,
buy everyone in the house a drink,
give me the bill."

In disgust, the bartender says,
"What, no drink for me this time?"

The drunk replies, "you!!??
No Way!
You get too violent when you drink.





Q: What's the difference between an alcoholic and a drinker?
A: You don't have to go to those stupid meetings.

The best short joke I know -- Nick the worst joke I've heard -- Ninjo
neither -- Bob

Thu Jan 23 07:48:17 2003 212.42.247.6
A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves. A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." In a little while, Bill, the Barber's friend, comes into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, what's so funny?" Bill says, "You know that guy that comes in here all the time to ask how long you're gonna be busy?" The barber says, "Yeah, but he never comes in for a haircut...I wonder where he goes after he asks me that." Bill looks up and says, "To your house."
Wed Mar 27 16:26:17 2002 64.231.58.243
Very short joke: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Why the long face bitch?"
Fri Feb 20 16:27:00 2004 205.188.209.14
Two cows are standing in a field.
First cow says to the other, "So are you worried about this Mad Cow Disease going around?"

Second cow goes, "Why should I be? I'm a squirrel."

Submitted by Mike

Wed Mar 27 16:27:37 2002 64.231.58.243

Fri Apr 9 22:31:03 2004 24.80.111.56
Noah had unloaded the Ark and commanded each pair of animals to "Go forth and multiply". But when he checked to see if the ark was empty, he found two little snakes huddled in a dark corner. He spoke to the snakes and said, "Little snakes, little snakes, didn't you hear my command to go forth and multiply?" To which the snakes answered, "We can't, we're adders."
Nick adds this extension to the joke: Noah thinks for a moment, and says, "that's ok, just go over there and use that table made of logs."

Fri Apr 27 11:09:07 2001 171.64.64.167
IM A FUCKING STONER! Jack and Jill went up the hill to get some marijuana, jack got high unzipped his fly and jill said i dont wanna
Mon Mar 15 22:33:00 2004 64.12.116.207
Q: What's the difference between an alcoholic and a stoner?
A: An alcoholic runs through a stop sign. A stoner waits for it to turn to "Go."

Thu Apr 26 15:07:20 2001 171.64.15.54
Four hockey fans are mountain climbing.Each climber happens to be a rabid fan of a different NHL team. One from Edmonton, one from Calgary, one from Toronto & the other from Montreal. As they climb higher and higher, they argue more and more about which of them is the most loyal to their particular hockey team. Finally, as they reach the summit, the climber from Calgary takes a running leap and throws himself off the mountain, yelling, "This is for the Calgary Flames!" Not wanting to be outdone, the climber from Toronto throws himself off the mountain, shouting, "This is for the Toronto Maple Leafs!! Seeing this, the Edmontonton Oiler fan walks to the edge and yells, "This is for hockey fans everywhere!" He then pushes the fan from Montreal off the cliff.
Fri Sep 26 04:12:06 2003 24.72.56.37
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a blueberry?
Which ever obese woman would happen to be in the vincinity. If you look at the average, which is 2 tons for an elephant and inconsequential for a blueberry and you obtain the average, you get 1 ton.

What do you get when you cross a goat and a mountain climber?

You can't, a mountain climber is a scalar.

yes, I know these aren't actually that funny unless you are a total nerd.

Tue Mar 23 16:27:26 2004 24.193.131.146
This is kind of clean: Question: What do you call a cow masturbating in a field? Answer: Beef stroganoff.
Sun May 20 02:11:59 2001 128.12.186.47
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer calls out to the other, "Hey, nice bike! Where'd you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when this pretty young coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!!'" "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Thu May 31 18:36:15 2001 128.12.50.57
A couple was golfing on an exclusive course surrounded by million dollar homes. As they prepared to tee off, the husband warned the wife to try to stay away from the houses. "We couldn't afford to replace any of those huge windows," he said. Sure enough, the wife slices one right into a window. The couple walk over, knock on the door, and hear someone say "Come on in". They enter and see broken glass on the carpet, and the golf ball next to a broken antique bottle. A man sitting on the couch asks, "Is this your golf ball?" "Yeah, we're really sorry," said the husband. "Actually, I want to thank you," said the man. "You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 1,000 years. I can grant three wishes when I've been released, but since you did it accidentally, I'll give you each one wish and keep the final one for myself. What do you wish for?" The husband wished for a million dollars a year for the rest of his life. "Done!" replied the genie. The wife then wished for a new house in every country of the world. "Done!" said the genie. "Now for my wish. I've been trapped alone for over 1,000 years. I wish to have sex with your wife." The husband thinks for a moment, then tells the wife, "Well, he's given us what we want, so I guess that I don't mind." So the wife and the genie head upstairs to a bedroom. After two hours of ravishing the woman, the genie rolls over and looks at the wife. "By the way," he asks, "how old is your husband?" "Thirty-five" she replies. "Wow!" he says. "35 years old and he still believes in genies ... amazing, isn't it?"
Sun May 6 02:13:18 2001 171.66.165.179
There is a huge philosopher's convention at the local hotel. All the great philosophers are there. Pascal is one of the last ones to arrive, and at the front desk he is told that his reservation was lost, and there are no more rooms at the hotel. "This is preposterous!" he exclaims. "Where can I spend the night, the entire town has no vacancies!" The desk clerk tells him that he may try to find one of his philosopher friends to share a room with him. He knocks on the first door, and Plato opens it. Pascal explains his problem, but Plato is already sharing his room with Sartre, and that's depressing enough. So, Pascal tries the next room. Descartes opens the door. He has had a long day, and is in a bit of a bad mood. Pascal asks to share the room. Descartes replies haughtily "Share my room?!? I think NOT!". And *poof*, he disappears in a cloud of anti-smoke.
Mon May 7 09:24:47 2001 209.19.150.97
I thought this one was appropos for a programming class: So the Devil and Jesus have been arguing over who is mightier, finally they decide to settle the question once and for all. They decide that they will code for 24 hours, to create a great program, and whoevers is best will win. They decide that God will be the judge. So, they begin, and they are coding furiously, smoke coming off the keyboard as their fingers fly. Just before the time has run out, a huge thunderstorm starts, though they code without stopping. Lightning crashes down all around, and finally hits their computers. When the lighting clears, God appears, saying "time is up", The Devil says, "I have nothing to show, the lightning shorted my computer". Jesus smiles serenely and reboots, then runs his program. The devil is shocked, he says"I just don't understand, i saw the lightning hit you too, how could this be???" God smiles and says "Jesus saves." Submitted by Erica
Sat May 12 15:31:44 2001 128.12.159.88
What did the Zen Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything. Addition: The Zen Buddhist asks for change and the hot dog vendor says "change comes from within"
Thu May 17 19:48:06 2001 128.12.101.51
Jack was a COBOL programmer in the mid to late 1990s. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the Client/Server programmers and website developers, he was finally getting some respect. He'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions.
Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Jack. He began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. All he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Jack decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Jack saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!" and "It's a miracle" and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

Someone who was obviously a spokesperson for the group stepped forward. Jack couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "Is it over?" he asked. "Is the year 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Jack's cryogenic receptacle, it hadn't been year 2000 compliant. It was actually eight thousand years later, not the year 2000. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet.

"That sounds terrific," said Jack. "But I'm curious. Why is everybody so interested in me?"

"Well," said the spokesman. "The year 10000 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

Tue May 15 23:53:58 2001 209.19.150.97
Ok, Ok, I hate light bulb jokes as well, but this one is funny.
How many Stanford professors does it take to change a light bulb?

Eleven. One to change the light bulb and ten to co-author the paper.

Wed May 16 08:25:24 2001 209.19.150.97
While we are on light bulb jokes, heres another one: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. Microsoft will make darkness the new industry standard.
Tue May 22 15:37:30 2001 171.65.76.34
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
Sun May 20 18:17:53 2001 24.10.28.207
The ten-year-old boy was failing math. His parents tried everything to get him to do well in school, but nothing worked. Finally they enrolled him in a Catholic school. From his first day, the boy spent every night poring over books. When his first report card came, he had received an A in math. "Son," his father asked, "what made the difference in math class? The nuns? The textbooks?" "Dad, I had never taken math seriously before," the boy admitted. "But when I walked in and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew th

40th anniversary

adult CF committee (ACFC)

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mission

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adult CF committee (ACFC)




Adults with CF can provide a unique and personal perspective into the issues and concerns relevant to all persons with CF. Members of the ACFC are committed to making a positive difference in the lives of adults with CF in Canada. Established in 1988, the ACFC provides education, perspective, advice and advocacy on CF issues to the Canadian Cystic Fibrosis Foundation, its Board of Directors and society as a whole.

Adult CF Committee brochure

Objectives:

to facilitate the communication and documentation of information pertaining to CF and issues of interest to the CF community by publishing a newsletter for adults with CF;

to host an information day each year for adults with CF and interested parties in conjunction with the Annual General Meeting of the CCFF;

to promote the health of all persons with CF, where health is defined as a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity (World Health Organization);

to develop and maintain acceptable standards and services of related drug and equipment equity;

to promote interaction of adults with CF, nationally, regionally and locally;

to continue to develop a network of adults with CF representatives at the Chapter level;

to promote liaison with CCFF Medical Scientific Advisory Commmittee(M/SAC);

to promote liaison with CF Worldwide .




The Adult CF Committee is made up of 11 representatives of adults with CF from across the country, and two professional advisors. The purpose, structure and membership are explained in the Adult Committee Terms of Reference.

For reference, the members of the Committee include:


Karen Gliddon
Chair
[email protected]

James Tapankov
Past Chair
[email protected]

Carole Varin
Editor, Circle of Friends
[email protected]

Julie Gagnon
Quebec Regional Representative
[email protected]

Jennifer Gagnon
Quebec Vice-Regional Representative
[email protected]

Kayln Steel
Western Regional Representative
[email protected]

Melissa McGoldrick
Western Vice-Regional Representative
[email protected]

Kelly Sheppard
Atlantic Regional Representative
[email protected]

Cheryl Corcoran
Atlantic Vice-Regional Representative
[email protected]

Nathan Fish
Ontario Regional Representative
[email protected]

Jeremy Tompkins
Ontario Vice-Regional Representative
[email protected]

Dr. André Cantin
M/SAC Representative
[email protected]

Sharon Wiltse
Professional Advisor
[email protected]

Some Internet Resources for Adults with CF

[ www.cystic-l.org ]
A favourite site among many CF adults and families! This is a "listserve" site, which means that once you join up you can communicate with anyone else who has joined. This service involves excellent support groups for all those involved in CF. It includes memorials, poems, stories, general discussions and excellent links to other CF resources. It has been around since June of 1994 and has a very strong presence on the Internet. It is an invaluable source for medical information and quality of life discussions. HIGHLIGHT: talking to people who really do understand!

[ www.ctfphc.org ]
This is the Web site for the Canadian Task Force on Preventive Health Care. HIGHLIGHT: tons of information!

[ www.familyvillage.wisc.edu/lib_cysf.htm ]
This is the Family Village Library Web site which offers sources of information about disabilities. HIGHLIGHT: link to Cystic-L!

[ www.hc-sc.gc.ca ]
Health Canada is the federal department responsible for helping the people of Canada maintain and improve their health. HIGHLIGHT: see Health Canada's website, Health Canada Online, to get up to the minute information on drugs, policies and research.

[ www.givelife.ca ]
This new national web site is aimed at increasing and promoting organ, tissue, blood and bone marrow donations. HIGHLIGHT: this is a great site for finding out Organ Transplant Facts and Provincial/Territorial Organ Donation Programs.

[ www.2ndwind.org ]
Second Wind Chat Room provides and open forum to discuss issues surrounding transplantation. HIGHLIGHT: provides an opportunity for pre and post-transplant patients to share experiences, concerns and answer any question.

Click here for additional resources.

Reviewed/updated: April 20, 2007

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[Intro:]
I believe the fantasy
Of what might be you and me, yeah
Somehow I've known this moment
Written across the stars in the sky
Something like a miracle
Whether it be real or make believe
I cherish the emotion I never could feel
How a love so divine has taken me over my mind

[Chorus:]
Not a moment in time precious as this moment with you
The love we have is more than a miracle
Everyday of my life is carefully entwined with you
You're more than a miracle

You're takin' my heart away (to a wonderland)
You hold me in your arms (ever so tenderly)
I'll whisper words so true
It's a thrill I can't deny
How you touch me deep inside
I feel your love every little way, every single day
You're all I desire, that's why

[Chorus:]
Not a moment in time (oh no) precious as this moment with you
The love we have is more than a miracle (oh)
Everyday of my life is carefully entwined with you
You're more than a miracle

[Bridge:]
And as the days go by, I'll show just how much I love you so
You'll be here always in my heart
Around your way is where I'll be
Share my love so constantly
Each time I smile is all because of you
And you know it's true

[Chorus:]
Not a moment in time precious as this moment with you
The love we have is more than a miracle (oh)
Everyday of my life (everyday) is carefully entwined with you
You're more than a miracle

Not a moment in time precious as this moment with you
The love we have is more than a miracle
Everyday of my life is carefully entwined with you
You're more than a miracle

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Best Lung Transplant Books
A Listmania! list by Douglas Broehl "Delafield Doug" (Delafield, Wis.)

1. Bittersweet Chances: A Personal Journey of Living and Learning in the Face of Illness by Dana Selenke Broehl
Douglas Broehl says:
"Beautiful and honest portrayal of living and learning in the face of chronic illness. You will laugh and cry while reading this book. Truly inspirational!"

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2. The Lung Transplantation Handbook: A Guide For Patients, Second Edition by Karen A. Couture
Douglas Broehl says:
"A must have for anyone who is awaiting or who has undergone a lung transplant. An excellent resource for patients and their families."

$19.79
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3. Taking Flight: Inspirational Stories of Lung Transplantation by Joanne M. Schum
Douglas Broehl says:
"A collection of inspirational stories of lung transplant survivors. This book is a must read for patients on a transplant list."

$18.15
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4. Breathing for a Living: A Memoir by Laura Rothenberg
Douglas Broehl says:
"Compelling and moving story of a young woman's brave spirit as she fought to live through the challenges of cystic fibrosis and a double lung transplant."

$10.17 Used & New from: $3.99
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5. Blow the House Down: The Story of My Double Lung Transplant by Charlie Tolchin
Douglas Broehl says:
"Detailed account of one man's journey through a double lung transplant."

$14.95 Used & New from: $3.75
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Douglas Broehl "Delafield Doug" (Delafield, Wis.)


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"If I Were Brave" - Jana Stanfield
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What would I do, if I knew that I could not fail?
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What step would I take today, if I were brave?

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What would I do today, if I were brave?

What if we’re all meant to do what we secretly dream?
What would you ask, if you knew you could have anything?
Like the mighty oak sleeps, in the heart of a seed,
are there miracles in you and me?

If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
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I'd never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

If I refuse to listen to the voice of fear,
would the voice of courage whisper in my ear?

If I were brave, I’d walk the razor’s edge,
where fools and dreamers dare to tread.
I'd never lose faith, even when losing my way.
What step would I take today, if I were brave?

What would I do today, if I were brave?
What would I do today, if I were brave?

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Entry for September 04, 2007 POEM BY MALACHI
CYSTIC FIBROSIS /LORD LORD LET ME OUT OF THIS PRISON!!MY LUNGS ARE DAMAGED!1MY ORGAN S DESTROYED!!MY HEART IS ACHING WITH EVERY BREATH!!MY LUNGS ARE FILLED WITH GERMS & JUNK!!!MY OLD MUSTANG IS A 'CLUNK'!!!MY POCKETS ARE BEAR....NOT A DIME TO SPARE!!$$ EVERY CANT I MAKE GOES TO THE PHARMACY IN ADVAIR,PULMOZYME,VENTAL,ANTIBIOTICS,INHALERS,IV EQUIPMENT,>>>THE LIST OF MEDICINES GO ,ON&ON.....I SYPHON GAS OUT OF THE LAWN MOWER TO MAKE IT TO MY NEXT DR APP!!!I VISIT MY MOM THE 1ST OF EVERY MONTH TO GET A 'LOAN'!$$$LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS TO MY MANY DOCTORS!!!SWB WONT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!I HAD A JOB A COUPLE OF TIMES!!!I HAD RESPITORY PROBLEMS TILL I HAD TO QUIT,AGAIN!!!HOW CAN I AFFORD TO LOVE SOMEONE!!!WHEN I DONT KNOW IF IT WILL EVER END!!!! IM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE!!!SENDING ALL MY CARES TO JESUS CHRIST I N HEAVEN !!WHERE OTHER ANGELS SENT THEIRS!!!!!!Tags: cf, poem, malchi, pray, heaven, lungs | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 12:29pm (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 BEWARE VACCINES CAUSE DISEASES
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WEB RESULTSMeningitis-Topic Overview ... or the organisms that cause syphilis and Lyme disease can cause meningitis. ... Vaccines against the most common causes of bacterial meningitis (Streptococcus ...www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/Meningitis-Topic-Overview - 135k - Cached
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Avoiding Meningitis and other college resources - FamilyEducation.com The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) found that certain groups ... and, campus bars can compromise the immune system and cause college students to ...school.familyeducation.com/disease-prevention/college-prep/37640.html - 30k - Cached
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Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 12:03pm (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 LIVER DISEASE SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of Liver Disease
The symptoms of liver disease include:

jaundice (yellowing of eyes and skin)
severe itching
dark urine
mental confusion or coma
vomiting of blood
easy bruising and tendency to bleed
gray or clay-colored stools
abnormal buildup of fluid in the abdomen

<Back Next> Before Surgery: Why a Transplant is Necessary


Pages in "About Your Liver"What the Liver DoesBasic Functions of the LiverSymptoms of Liver Disease
Home Page | Glossary | Site Map






USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]


Tags: jaundice, itch, darkurine, mentalconfusion, coma, grayclaystoolsbm, abnormalfluidinabdomen, | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 09:37am (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 LIVER DISEASE SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of Liver Disease
The symptoms of liver disease include:

jaundice (yellowing of eyes and skin)
severe itching
dark urine
mental confusion or coma
vomiting of blood
easy bruising and tendency to bleed
gray or clay-colored stools
abnormal buildup of fluid in the abdomen

<Back Next> Before Surgery: Why a Transplant is Necessary


Pages in "About Your Liver"What the Liver DoesBasic Functions of the LiverSymptoms of Liver Disease
Home Page | Glossary | Site Map






USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]


Tags: jaundice, itch, darkurine, mentalconfusion, coma, grayclaystoolsbm, abnormalfluidinabdomen, | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 09:37am (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 PANCREATIC SURGERY








Pancreatic surgery encompasses a wide variety of surgical procedures concerning the pancreas (a gland located behind the stomach just below the liver). Disorders of pancreas can be divided onto those caused by tumors (benign or malignant) and those caused by inflammation (acute or chronic).
The majority of surgical procedures performed on the pancreas involve resection (removal) of the portion that is involved in the disease process. Prior to any operation on the pancreas the patient undergoes testing and is evaluated by multidisciplinary team of physicians. The management approaches to acute and chronic pancreatitis are different and may not necessarily involve surgical intervention. Often excellent results can be achieved through medical management.

A major pancreatic resection takes approximately 4-6 hours and in most cases is performed without blood transfusion (see bloodless surgery). The post-operative hospital stay is about 7 days and complete recuperation time is expected in 6 weeks. In properly selected patients, excellent operative results and future quality of life are achieved.


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Bloodless Surgery Gallbladder and Bile Duct Surgery Liver Surgery


Home Page

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Bloodless Surgery
Liver Transplantation
Live Donor Liver Transplant
Liver Surgery
Pancreatic Surgery
Gallbladder/Bile Duct Surgery
Portal Hypertension Surgery
Radio Frequency Ablation
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and Transplant

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About the USC
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Search this site









USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]



Tags: cf, pancreaticsurgery, liver, diseases | Edit Tags



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CYSTIC FIBROSIS /LORD LORD LET ME OUT OF THIS PRISON!!MY LUNGS ARE DAMAGED!1MY ORGAN S DESTROYED!!MY HEART IS ACHING WITH EVERY BREATH!!MY LUNGS ARE FILLED WITH GERMS & JUNK!!!MY OLD MUSTANG IS A 'CLUNK'!!!MY POCKETS ARE BEAR....NOT A DIME TO SPARE!!$$ EVERY CANT I MAKE GOES TO THE PHARMACY IN ADVAIR,PULMOZYME,VENTAL,ANTIBIOTICS,INHALERS,IV EQUIPMENT,>>>THE LIST OF MEDICINES GO ,ON&ON.....I SYPHON GAS OUT OF THE LAWN MOWER TO MAKE IT TO MY NEXT DR APP!!!I VISIT MY MOM THE 1ST OF EVERY MONTH TO GET A 'LOAN'!$$$LONG DISTANCE PHONE CALLS TO MY MANY DOCTORS!!!SWB WONT LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!I HAD A JOB A COUPLE OF TIMES!!!I HAD RESPITORY PROBLEMS TILL I HAD TO QUIT,AGAIN!!!HOW CAN I AFFORD TO LOVE SOMEONE!!!WHEN I DONT KNOW IF IT WILL EVER END!!!! IM PRAYING FOR A MIRACLE!!!SENDING ALL MY CARES TO JESUS CHRIST I N HEAVEN !!WHERE OTHER ANGELS SENT THEIRS!!!!!!Tags: cf, poem, malchi, pray, heaven, lungs | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 12:29pm (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 BEWARE VACCINES CAUSE DISEASES
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Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 12:03pm (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 LIVER DISEASE SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of Liver Disease
The symptoms of liver disease include:

jaundice (yellowing of eyes and skin)
severe itching
dark urine
mental confusion or coma
vomiting of blood
easy bruising and tendency to bleed
gray or clay-colored stools
abnormal buildup of fluid in the abdomen

<Back Next> Before Surgery: Why a Transplant is Necessary


Pages in "About Your Liver"What the Liver DoesBasic Functions of the LiverSymptoms of Liver Disease
Home Page | Glossary | Site Map






USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]


Tags: jaundice, itch, darkurine, mentalconfusion, coma, grayclaystoolsbm, abnormalfluidinabdomen, | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 09:37am (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 LIVER DISEASE SYMPTOMS

Symptoms of Liver Disease
The symptoms of liver disease include:

jaundice (yellowing of eyes and skin)
severe itching
dark urine
mental confusion or coma
vomiting of blood
easy bruising and tendency to bleed
gray or clay-colored stools
abnormal buildup of fluid in the abdomen

<Back Next> Before Surgery: Why a Transplant is Necessary


Pages in "About Your Liver"What the Liver DoesBasic Functions of the LiverSymptoms of Liver Disease
Home Page | Glossary | Site Map






USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]


Tags: jaundice, itch, darkurine, mentalconfusion, coma, grayclaystoolsbm, abnormalfluidinabdomen, | Edit Tags



Tuesday September 4, 2007 - 09:37am (PDT) Edit | Delete | Permanent Link | 0 Comments

Entry for September 04, 2007 PANCREATIC SURGERY








Pancreatic surgery encompasses a wide variety of surgical procedures concerning the pancreas (a gland located behind the stomach just below the liver). Disorders of pancreas can be divided onto those caused by tumors (benign or malignant) and those caused by inflammation (acute or chronic).
The majority of surgical procedures performed on the pancreas involve resection (removal) of the portion that is involved in the disease process. Prior to any operation on the pancreas the patient undergoes testing and is evaluated by multidisciplinary team of physicians. The management approaches to acute and chronic pancreatitis are different and may not necessarily involve surgical intervention. Often excellent results can be achieved through medical management.

A major pancreatic resection takes approximately 4-6 hours and in most cases is performed without blood transfusion (see bloodless surgery). The post-operative hospital stay is about 7 days and complete recuperation time is expected in 6 weeks. In properly selected patients, excellent operative results and future quality of life are achieved.


Related links:

Bloodless Surgery Gallbladder and Bile Duct Surgery Liver Surgery


Home Page

Areas of Expertise
Bloodless Surgery
Liver Transplantation
Live Donor Liver Transplant
Liver Surgery
Pancreatic Surgery
Gallbladder/Bile Duct Surgery
Portal Hypertension Surgery
Radio Frequency Ablation
Endoscopic Retrograde
Cholangiopancreatography
Pediatric Surgery
and Transplant

Information for Patients
Transplant Patient Guide
Long-Term Transplant Care
Patient Support Groups
Financial Considerations
Liver Glossary
About the USC
University Hospital

Features
What's New
Research and Development
Calendar of Events
Liver Newsletter
Downloads

General Information
Faculty and Staff
Web Links
Site Map
Contact Us

Search this site









USC Liver Transplant Program and Center for Liver Disease
1510 San Pablo Street, Suite 430, Los Angeles CA 90033-4612
Phone: (323) 442-5908 Fax: (323) 442-5721
E-mail: [email protected]



Tags: cf, pancreaticsurgery, liver, diseases | Edit Tags



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One Small Candle Sarah's Story

(click to enlarge) Debra McCarty

ISBN: 9781588515667
ISBN10: 1588515664
Published: Lightning Source Inc
Publish Date: 2001-04-01
Pages: 300
Binding: Paperback
Dimensions: 9.00 L x 6.00 W x 0.75 H
Weight: 0.95 lbs



Description:
The irony of Sarah's life was watching this remarkable child battle for survival while teaching us how to fully live. Hope Is Everything: Sarah's Story is more than a narrative of one child's courageous fight against the terminal disease of cystic fibrosis. It is a study into how a child approached life with fulness and joy despite her tremendous obstacles. The best-seller and successful television movie, Alex: the Life of a Child, stirred an interest in CF twenty years ago. Since then this interest has dramatically increased. CF is on the cutting edge of gene therapy and promises for a cure. It is heralded as a forerunner for what may follow for many other diseases as well. Newspapers are continually flooded with announcements on CF's progress. It has generated much public notice. Though Alex is still in print, a tribute to its lasting quality, it is now outdated. Medical information has drastically expanded, and Sarah's Story reflects all this. A must-read.






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return to previous page




One Small Candle Sarah's Story

(click to enlarge) Debra McCarty

ISBN: 9781588515667
ISBN10: 1588515664
Published: Lightning Source Inc
Publish Date: 2001-04-01
Pages: 300
Binding: Paperback
Dimensions: 9.00 L x 6.00 W x 0.75 H
Weight: 0.95 lbs



Description:
The irony of Sarah's life was watching this remarkable child battle for survival while teaching us how to fully live. Hope Is Everything: Sarah's Story is more than a narrative of one child's courageous fight against the terminal disease of cystic fibrosis. It is a study into how a child approached life with fulness and joy despite her tremendous obstacles. The best-seller and successful television movie, Alex: the Life of a Child, stirred an interest in CF twenty years ago. Since then this interest has dramatically increased. CF is on the cutting edge of gene therapy and promises for a cure. It is heralded as a forerunner for what may follow for many other diseases as well. Newspapers are continually flooded with announcements on CF's progress. It has generated much public notice. Though Alex is still in print, a tribute to its lasting quality, it is now outdated. Medical information has drastically expanded, and Sarah's Story reflects all this. A must-read.






Rate this book now!
5 (excellent) 4 (good) 3 (average) 2 (poor) 1 (awful)

Leave a comment about this book:








buy this book now!

Marketplace
As low as:$17.46
You save 13%


new
$23.11
Ships in 1-2 business days
Quantity:
Eligible for FREE economy shipping on orders over $49!







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Sell your books and earn 200% more than campus buyback










Portions of this page Copyright 1995-2007 Muze Inc. For personal non-commercial use only. All rights reserved.

HOME| ABOUT| REGISTER| CATALOG| BESTSELLERS| ISBN LIST| COLLEGE BOOKSTORES| CONTACTS| FORUM| HELP!

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Rascal Flatts, My Wish Lyrics
Looking for Rascal Flatts tabs and chords? Browse alphabet (above)

Artist: Rascal Flatts
Song: My Wish
Album: Me & My Gang Buy Rascal Flatts Sheet Music
Buy Rascal Flatts CDs

I hope that the days come easy and the moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,

But more than anything, more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more than you take.

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small, You
never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,

This is my wish
i hope you know somebody who loves you
may all you dreams stay big

0aj