After a couple of days, my mouth had a sore on it that kept seeping. Come to find out, when he hit me, my tooth went thru my lip and I had a hole there. That was the beginning of my tooth loss.
Don't get me wrong, they didn't all come out at once. After being hit many times after that (and my mouth seemed to be the perfect target), the enamel on my teeth started to get chipped and cracked. Once that started, no matter how much I brushed them, they still didn't have enough protection to keep them healthy.
There were many "red" flags that went up. I was just too blind, stupid, in love, or insecure to see them. So, I stayed with him.
I had my son Jack, almost 2 years after I had my daughter. That didn't make things any better.
The abuse kept on, and by this time, I started to believe what he was telling me. I was worthless, I couldn't do things without him, heck he said I would never be able to survive without him. I was stupid, and ugly (which with no teeth, I really believed that). I had no convidence in myself, and didn't think I was worth anything.
About 10 years into the marriage, his marajuana usage had graduated into crack cocaine. I remember that for some reason, he was running out of money, the bills weren't getting paid, and his attitude worsened.
He came in one night and told me he needed my help. He told me about his addiction, and that I needed to help him "fix" it. So, I did research, and found places to get him help. Problem is, he never stuck with it. Then he decided that if he went back home for a while so he was away from it, that would cure it. He left.
I got a job, and managed to pay the bills. I started getting ahead on things, and then he decided to come back here.
He didn't last 2 weeks. He was back on it, and since he couldn't find a job, he was stealing my money. That wouldn't have been so bad, but the money he was taking was for food, bills, and gasoline. One day, I told him not to take ANY money because I had to use what I had to pay the light bill the next day. He told me he wouldn't. I got up the next morning, went to pay the light bill, and my money was gone. When I got home, I asked him if he took it. He told me no, he didn't take it, I must have lost it.
Well, I might be stupid, but I'm not nuts. I knew he took it.
He took anything of value out of the house and sold it to support his habit. My computer, the kids' playstation and games, the stereo, along with many other things. I managed to get them out of "hock" once.
About 3 days after I got the last item (my computer) out of hock, it all came up missing again. Needless to say, I went ballistic. I almost pushed the man out a picture window I was so mad.
That fight really affected the kids. They had never seen me go off like that. Heck, I didn't know I had it in me. I think that was the breaking point that I truely needed. It showed me that I was a strong person, and that he wasn't "High and mighty" oh "great one".
I will say though, that that fight really affected me too in that I have never been violent.and I felt so beaten up by it. I never wanted to be a violent person, and certainly didn't enjoy it. I felt so small and insignificant because of the way I acted.
He later decided that a perminite move back "home" was in store for US. He figured that we would do so much better there, than here. I was ready to get out. I told him sure, and acted all fired up to move.
I hated to be decietful, but I wasn't going to go. My family is here, and if he abused me or the kids, I would have no one to go to for help. So I told him I couldn't wait to move.
I prayed. I prayed that God would show me the answer. I told God that I believed in the vows of marriage (even if I didn't take them "officially"). I was willing to do the "thru better for worse, for richer, for poorer" but I also told Him that I couldn't handle anymore. I told Him to please tell me what to do.
One night we were watching T.V. with the kids after dinner. The kids were asking questions about where we were going, and he was all excited telling them. I forget exactly what I said, but that was when he told me "You couldn't fight your way out of a wet paper bag!" God answered me RIGHT then! I didn't get upset. I wasn't hurt. I actually had a feeling of peace fall over me.
I calmly got up, and I could hear a little voice in my head telling me that it was "okay". I knew then, that it was okay for me to let go. I no longer needed to fight for a dead-end "marriage". I felt so much better.
Then the harder part was to come. I had to actually "act". I had to continue to do the "wifely" duties, that no longer appealed to me, at least not with him.
He finally left in early 2001. My kids went to stay with my dad and step mother so that he couldn't take off with them too, while I was at work.
It hasn't been easy. I will be the first to tell you that I have struggled, and am still struggling. My kids are still with my dad, and I miss them everyday.
I get lonely. I have my mother living with me. She needs to be here because she needs someone to look after her. But that doesn't take care of the "other" lonliness.
I miss coming home to someone, or having someone come home to me. I miss having someone to lay next to in bed. I miss having someone to carry on a "man/woman" conversation. Shoot, I even miss having sex.
I know that not ALL men are like the way John was/is. I know that there are good ones out there. Do I trust men? Well, in general, I have become a little more "reserved" around them.
I sit back and pay attention to their actions. How they talk to me, or others. I look more closely for any violent tendancies. Be it verbal or physical. And it doesn't matter "how bad" the violence is. If there is one, I steer clear. I make sure to pay attention to the red flags this time around.
Will I ever find a mate again? Good question! Would I like to find another mate? Sure I would. I would love to not be lonely again. I would love to have someone to share my love with. I do have some left to share. What are my chances of finding love? I dunno really. I feel they are pretty slim due to the physical scars that John left me with. But I tell you what. If I do find that special someone, I'll put it here so that you can find out all about it. That will fill page 3 I'm sure.
I hope if nothing else, that if one woman reads this, and is in the same situation or similar, that she will draw strength from my words here. If one man reads this and is violent, I hope that he will get something out of it too.
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