Researchers call murder a threat to public health Bush gets briefing on drought; says rain needed to end it Slayings put end to marraige Engine falls off plane, lands safely at O'Hare Council acts to ban airplanes on city streets Death in the ring: Most boxers are not the same afterward Ski areas closed due to snow Lack of water hurts ice fishing Wisconsin bill would permit blind to hunt deer. Eating dirt still a hard habit to break Woman not injured by cookie Drought turns coyotes to watermelons Furniture drive for homeless launched Gerbil selected student leader FFA proposes name change to FFA Dinosaur faces grand jury probe Man shot, stabbed; death by natural causes ruled 32 ignorant enough to serve on North jury City increasing speed limit to slow down drivers First annual animal abuse council benefit pig roast Ban on nude dancing on Governor's desk Ohio man, 79, pronounced dead, but says he feels much better now. Woman dead when head removed CRIME: Sheriff asks for 13.7% increase No cause of death determined for beheading victim Dog that bit 2 people ordered to leave town Man says body is his wife, but she tells police it isn't Man, shot twice in head, gets mad! Postal Service seeking ways to deliver mail more slowly Overnight, second-day mail will be delivered a day later Helicopter powered by human flies Ants take a long time to cook in microwave Pet cooking contest coming to Highland Teacher dies; board accepts his resignation Dead woman doesn't recall what happened Mortuary adds drive through Blow to head is common cause of brain injury Low pay reason for poverty, study says Don't leave kids alone with molester Storm delayed by bad weather Three ambulances take blast victim to hospital 1st annual going out of business sale!!! Smaller families require less food Farmers buy most farmland Ability to swim may save children from drowning Sewers are not good playgrounds Americans are unlikely to give up eating during recession Jail crowding caused by increase in criminals, new study concludes Nuclear winter may not be so bad Blind cabbie forced to abandon driving Bomb hit by library Mimes banned for abusive language State will poison rivers so it can count dead fish 'Hole in face' sends man to hospital Animal-rights group to hold meeting at steakhouse Passenger trains hurt by lack of track Gas chamber executions may be health hazard Very good year for poor people Lead-Lined coffins called health risk Nothing destroyed in fire, but damage near $100,000 Glenbard South High School - Where Excellance is a tradition Reeding tutors needed USPS program helps to stamp out literacy Study finds that pupils who attend their classes score markedly better Iraq invades Kuwait; Students may lose parking Hostage-taker kills self; police shoot each other Police kill youth in effort to stop his suicide attempt Young bunglers try to steal a van filled with policemen Several items reported stolen from empty store Bucks man admits attacking house, must go to Florida Dead man gets job back Dead man still goes duck hunting with pal Dead man found in cemetary Dead man remains dead Woman scolded for killing husband Wife sues over lost brain Arsonist elected fire department chief LCISD dress code insists on clean-shaven kindergarteners Dogs barred from Dog Museum Man who killed roommate is looking for place to live Blaze destroys 97 vehicles at cookout held by firemen Kids must be shot by Monday Brooksville buys shredder to aid record keeping Unemployment not working, critics say Man disputes government's claim he is dead Study: People can delay death for important occasions Man told to get license so it can be suspended Secret math center to be located here Rains delay big umbrella show Ada Kring, 67-year-old Orick resident dies at age 94 Don't use poison ivy to decorate Water houseplants when soil is dry Putting mattress on floor prevents fall from bed Suicide may hasten death Sadness is No. 1 reason men and women cry G. I. Joe is a doll, court decides Pregnancy problems at Memorial school not caused by air Farm forcasters predicting a good year, or possibly a bad year Postal worker who killed 4 said to have 'disliked people' 'Moody' woman arrested in dismemberment of boyfriend Blind man robs bank, can't find way out Police find TV, lock it in jail Police car hits cow in line of duty Would-be cop arrives for police test in stolen car Suspect in bank robbery was either man or woman Man gets probation for violating probabtion Condoms only work if used, study finds Sleepy woman shoots herself in face in case of 'mistaken identity' Man shoots himself in sleep without awaking self, wife Gun-safety officer shoots self People who are blind can rent cars from Hertz Woman runs over herself with car Man shoots self in head, but doesn't know it
You can't possibly get the full extent of the hilarity of these headlines from this page - buy the books.
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