And here it is, the moment you've all been waiting for. . .
Here they are - the long-awaited Darwin Awards for 1999. For those of you
new to e-mail, the Darwin Awards are given every year to those stellar
candidates who, through their own idiotically self-inflicted deaths, give
their maximum contribution to society by cleaning out the gene pool.
Enjoy...
DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP:
LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees'
nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple
is
an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half
stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside
their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The
concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously
lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed
out to
go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung
three
times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was
allergic to
bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital.
Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with
third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E.
Richards.
According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a
semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's
head and fired.
PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a
sequined pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local
establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it, "the dancer
identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk."
MOSCOW, Russia-A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank
they were guarding to stab his bulletproof vest to see if it would protect
him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a
heart wound. (It's good to see the Russians getting into the spirit of the
Darwin Awards.)
In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to
commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around
his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some
poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the
last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him
completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of
hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the
flames and
made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind
fisherman
and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia.
RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to commit a
robbery.
This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had
no
previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as
listed
below:
The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop.
2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial
portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in
public places.
3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car
parked at the front door.
4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having
coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be
robber announced a holdup and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a
clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several
other
customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt.
AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS.....
THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA.
Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early
Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was
apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn.
Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to
Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that
Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and
entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the
microwave dish. He had told coworkers that it was the only way he could
stay
warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures
often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within
human
tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his
Christmas
shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn
chair,
which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam.
Baker
had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that
night to
handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic.
Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was
greeted
by an odor he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have
prepared
as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's
unfinished beers had exploded.
� 2000 E-mail me
