These are the jokes I have collected over the years; if you have any more good ones, don't hesitate to send them to me. After the jokes there are a few pages of other funny things as well, and I'm always looking for another good laugh. Enjoy!
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in a 8'x10' cell
IN PRISON you get three meals a day
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior
IN PRISION a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games
IN PRISON you get your own toilet
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars
from the inside wanting to get out
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic
Bill sat at the local bar, bragging about his athletic prowess. None of the regulars challenged him, but a visitor piped up, "I'll bet you fifty bucks that I can push something in a wheelbarrow for one block and you can't wheel it back." Bill looked over the skinny stranger and decided it wasn't much of a challenge. "I'll take you on," he said. The two men and a number of regulars borrowed a wheelbarrow and took it to the corner. "Now, let's see what you're made of," taunted Bill. "Okay," said the challenger. "Get in."
A salesman rang the bell at a suburban home, and the door was opened by a nine-year-old boy puffing on a long black cigar. Hiding his amazement, the salesman asked the young man, "Is your mother home?" The boy took the cigar out of his mouth, flicked ashes on the carpet, and asked, "What do you think?"
I'm not saying Ted is a hypochondriac, but he did tell me he wanted his tombstone to read "See!"
A college football coach had recruited a top talent, but the player couldn't pass the school's entrance exam. Needing the recruit badly, the coach went to the dean and asked if the recruit could take the test orally. The dean agreed, and the following day the recruit and the coach were seated in his office. "Okay," the dean said. "What is seven times seven?" The recruit mulled it over for a moment, then said, "I think it's 49." Suddenly the coach leapt to his feet. "Please, Dean," he begged, "give him another chance!"
Three statisticians go deer hunting with bows and arrows. They spot a big buck and take aim. One shoots, and his arrow flies off ten feet to the left. The second shoots, and his arrow goes ten feet to the right. The third statistician jumps up and down yelling, "We got him! We got him!"
Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship. He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west." Angry the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!" There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call." (I've heard this is a true story)
Three retired guys sat on a bench in Palm Beach. "How'd you get here?" the first asked the second. "I had a textile factory in Passaic," the second guy replied, "and I did pretty well for a long time. Then the competition from down south got fierce. One day my water pipes burst and ruined all my machinery. I retired and came here on the insurance money. How about you?" "I had a box company in Bridgeport," the first guy said, "and was doing pretty well. Then the price of materials shot up, and I nearly went broke--until a fire destroyed my whole plant. Luckily I was insured, and I moved down here." He turned to the third man. "And what brought you here?" "Well," the third answered, "my clothing factory in Puerto Rico did okay, but when Far Eastern manufacturers started underselling me, I thought I would go backrupt. Then a hurricane flattened the building. I got the insurance, retired, and came here." The other two looked at each other. "How do you make a hurricane?"
1960's arithmetic test: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is four-fifths of that amount. What is his profit?" When a man in Macon, Ga. came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands. A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man, and told him the headline the following day would read, "Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero, however, told the journalist that he wasn't from Macon. "Well, then," the reporter said, "the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog.'" "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the reporter said in a huff, "the headline will read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet.'" Bill Gates and the president of General Motors were attending a Q and A session during a business conference. Gates boasted of the innovations his company had made. "If GM had kept up with technology the way Microsoft has," Gates bragged, "we'd all be driving $25 cars that get 1000 miles per gallon." "I suppose that's true," the GM executive agreed. "But would you really want your car to crash twice a day?" Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate. After waiting over an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant. "It took us almost an hour to find another pilot." Eve, in the Garden of Eden, called out, "Lord, I have a problem." And the Lord said, "What's the matter, Eve?" "I know you created me and this beautiful garden. But I'm lonely--and I'm sick of eating apples." "Well, in that case," replied the Almighty, "I'll create a man for you." "What's a man?" "He's a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to listen. But he's big and fast and muscular. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball and hunting animals--and not bad in the sack." "Sound great!" replied Eve. "There's one condition," added the Lord. "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first." A business man taking a seminar on efficiency completed a case study of his wife's routine for fixing breakfast, and presented the results to the class. "After a few days of observation, I quickly determined the practices that were robbing her of precious time and energy," the man reported. "Taking note of how many trips she made from the kitchen to the dining room carrying just one item, I suggested that in the future she carry several items at a time." "Did it work?" the teacher asked. "It sure did," replied the businessman. "Instead of taking her 20 minutes to fix my breakfast, it now takes me just seven." Walking into a lawyer's office, a man asked what the barrister's rates were. "Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated. "Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked. "Yes," the lawyer replied. "What's your third question?" Computer-industry representatves have agreed that "family control" technology on the Internet already exists. It's just that kids won't explain it to their parents. (Craig Kilborn) A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first
day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake
and a smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will
be to sweep out the store." "But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied
indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how." A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and says, "I would do anything to pass this exam." She then leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes and says, "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice softens. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?" Mother: "How's your history paper coming?" Harry's boss was an overbearing task master, driving his employees to exhaustion. In the middle of a big project, Harry had a heart attack and died. The boss visited a medium to see if he could contact Harry's spirit. "You may speak to him now," said the medium. "Hey, Harry, how's it going there?" shouted the boss. "It beats the office," Harry answered. A bit miffed by his response, the boss asked, "Can you see from heaven where you left the Wilson cost study?" "Heaven?" replied Harry. "Who says I'm in heaven?" The young preacher was called to a rural church and appeared for his first sermon that Sunday. To his dismay he found that one of the parishioners hat brought his dog to the service. He asked the dog's owner to kindly remove the animal. The man obligingly took the dog out and returned to his seat. After the service, the church deacons rubuked the new preacher for insulting one of their staunchest members. The dog made no trouble, they pointed out, and had been accompanying its master to church for years. The preacher called on the dog's owner and apologized. "Don't worry about it, Reverend," the man replied. "It all worked out. I wouldn't have had my dog hear that sermon for anything in the world." An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened." "Done!" said the American. Instantly he found himself standing unhurt near the scene. "Where are the others?" asked a medic. "Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
A business man boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen. He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it." "What's the curse?" the man asked. "Mr. Klopman." A junior partner in a law firm called his staff in for a meeting. "I have good news and bad news," he said, grinning. "Which do you want first?" The staff groaned, and agreed they'd better get the bad news first. "Okay," said the junior partner, "we are going to downsize. Half of you won't be here tomorrow. And the others may stay at a substantial ruduction in salary." The staff stood in horrified shock. Finally, one asked in a trembling voice, "What's the good news?" The boss beamed. "I've been made a full partner!" Heading into the jungle on his first safari, the American visitor was confident he could handle any emergency. He sidled up to the experienced native guide and said smugly, "I know that carrying a torch will keep lions away." "True," the guide replied. "But it depends on how fast you carry the torch." Then there was the preacher who decided to sell his horse. A prospective buyer was impressed with the animal, but the preacher said, "I must warn you--he only responds to 'church talk.' Go is 'Praise the Lord,' and stop is 'Hallelujah.'" "I've worked with horses all my life," said the buyer, "and I've never heard of anything like this." Mounting the horse, he said skeptically, "Praise the Lord." The horse began to trot. He repeated "Praise the Lord" and the horse broke into a gallop. Suddenly the buyer saw a cliff dead ahead. Frantic, he yelled "Hallelujah," and they came to a stop a foot from the edge. Wiping the sweat from his brow, the buyer said, "Praise the Lord!" People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs. The inmate was aware that all prison mail passes through censors. When he got a letter from his wife asking about the family garden--"Honey, when do I plant the potatoes?"--he wrote back, "Do not, under any circumstances, dig up our old garden spot. That's where I buried all my guns." Within days his wife wrote back, "Six investigators came to the house. They dug up every square inch of the back yard." By return mail she got his answer: "Now is the time to plant potatoes." Q: What's a sure sign you're flying the wrong airline? Two highway workers are at a construction site when a car with diplomatic plates pulls up. "Parlez-vous francais?" the driver asks. The two just stare. Hablan ustedes espanol?" the driver tries. They stare some more. "Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" They continue to stare. "Parlate italiano?" Nothing. Finally the man drives off in disgust. One worker turns to the other and says, "Maybe we should learn a foreign language." "What for?" the other replies. "That guy knew four of them, and a fat lot of good it did him." Top brass from the Army, Navy, and Marines were arguing about who had the bravest troops. They decided to settle the dispute using an enlisted man from each branch. The Army general called a private over and ordered him to climb to the top of the base flagpole while singing "The Caissons Go Rolling Along," then let go with both hands and salute. The private quickly complied. Next, the admiral ordered a sailor to climb the pole, polish the brass knob at the top, sing "Anchors Aweigh," salute smartly and jump off. The sailor did as he was told, landing on the concrete below. Finally the Marine was told to do exactly as the Army and Navy men had done, but in full battle gear, pack filled with bricks, loaded weapons carried high. He took one look at the Marine general and said, "You're out of your mind, sir!" The Marine commander turned to the others. "Now that's guts!" A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. "How are we faring?" asks the king. "Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and
pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west." "What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the
west!" "Oh!" exclaimed the embarrassed knight. "Well, you do now..." A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up... you're next!" "Has your husband lived up to all the things he said before you were married?" "No. He's only lived up to one of them." "Which one was that?" "He said he wasn't good enough for me." A guy parks his car right in front of the main entrance to Congress, jsut as they're about to go on recess. "Hey, mister!" yells a security guard. "You can't park there--all the Congressmen are about to come out!" "Don't worry," the guy replies. "I have the club." THINGS YOU WOULD NEVER KNOW WITHOUT THE MOVIES During all police investigations it will be necessary to
visit a strip club at least once. Sherlock Holmes and Watson were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?" "I see thousands of stars." "And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked. "I suppose it means that of all the planets in the universe, we are truly lucky to be here on Earth. We are small in God's eyes, but should struggle every day to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?" "To me, it means someone has stolen our tent." I signed up for an exercise class, and the instructor told us to wear tennis shoes and loose fitting clothing. If I had any loose fitting clothing I wouldn't have signed up in the first place. Three friends arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. As part of their orientation to heaven, St. Peter asks what kind of remarks they would most like to hear from their family and friends at their funerals. "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor and a good family man," said the first. "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and that, during my career as a schoolteacher, I made a difference in many lives," chimed in the second fellow. "Those both sound terrific," replied the third, "but I'd like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Sarah sent her husband, Bill, to the grocery store late one night. When he got there, it was closed. He noticed a bar next door, so he went in and struck up a conversation with a woman. They talked and laughed and the next thing you know, he was back at her apartment. He woke up at 2 a.m. "Oh, no," Bill said to the woman. "My wife will kill me! Do you have any talcum powder?" Soon he dashed home, and when he got there, his wife was standing at the door, furious. "Where have you been?" she demanded. "Well, the store was closed, so I went into the bar next door and met this woman, and we laughed and talked and went to her apartment." "Don't lie to me!" Sarah exclaimed. "Let me see your hands!" The man held out his hands. "You've been bowling again, haven't you!" she said. Once, a mathematician, a biologist and a physicist were sitting in a sidewalk cafe when they noticed two people going into the house across the street. A while later they saw three people coming out. The physicist says, "Our first count wasn't accurate." The biologist concludes, "They must have reproduced!" But the mathematician says, "Now if exactly one person enters the house, it will be empty again." "A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You lose control at the same point every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem." Arthur rubbed the old lamp he'd purchased at a flea market, and sure enough, a genie appeared. "Thanks for setting me free," said the grateful spirit. "Aren't you going to grant me a wish?" asked Arthur. "Are you kidding?" answered the genie. "If I could grant wishes, would I have been in that lousy lamp all this time?" A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes returned with the lens in her hand. "I really looked hard for that, Mom," said the youth. "How'd you manage to find it?" "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150." Mrs. Willencot was very frugal. When her husband died, she asked the newspaper how much it would cost for a death notice. "Two dollars for five words." "Can I pay for just two words?" she asked. "Willencot dead." "No, two dollars is the minimum. You still have three words." Mrs. Willencot thought for a moment. "Cadillac for sale." A sea captain and his chief engineer argued about who was more important to the ship, and decided they'd swap places to find out. After a couple of hours, the captain emerged from the engine room completely covered with oil and soot, and confronted the chief on the bridge. "Chief!" he yelled, wildly waving a monkey wrench, "you'll have to come down! I can't make 'er go!" "Of course you can't," replied the chief. "She's grounded." Can you believe a candidate dropped out of the race because of a lack of campaign funds? Any politician who stops spending just because he's out of money doesn't belong in Washington anyway! (Kevin Nealon) A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. "Don't be angry," the mother says. "Your sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts." A short while later, there's more crying, and the mother goes to investigate. This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, "Now she knows." This explains it! Must be a lost chapter of Genesis... Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that he was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook
for you, when you discover clothing, she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" The rest is history. There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman. They all decided that one person would have to let go
because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die. No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were used to giving things up for their husbands and children and giving in to men. All of the men started clapping. A ten-year-old boy and his mother were waiting in a dentist's office, talking about treatments for the boy's
painful tooth. Entering the room, the dentist asked, "Well, Son, which one's the troublemaker?" Without hesitation, the boy replied, "My brother!" A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortuneteller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down. "Ah....." said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball. "I see you are the father of two children." "That's what you think," said the man scornfully. "I'm the father of THREE children." The woman grinned and said, "That's what YOU think. Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his wallet, pulls out a couples of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar
with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers. Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity. "What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank. "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze." Matt replies, "And we weren't?" A yuppie in Miami opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!", he whined. "You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your
stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm
was ripped off!" "Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!" A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk. "Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk. "Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!" How many government employees does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to insist that it's being taken care of, and the other to screw it into a water faucet. A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you
remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she
live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's
going to last a long time, so I guess she would." "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6'x8' cubicle
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal, and you have to pay
for it!
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games
AT WORK you have to share with the masses
AT WORK you're discouraged from even speaking to family and
friends
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars
AT WORK they are called managers.
'70s new-math test: "A logger exchanges a set (L) of lumber for a set (M) of money. The cardinality of Set M is 100. The Set C of production costs contains 20 fewer points. What is the cardinality of Set P of profits?"
'80s "dumbed down" version: "A logger cuts and sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost is $80, his profit is $20. Find and cirle the number 20."
'90s version: "An unenlightened logger cuts down a beautiful stand of 100 trees in order to make a $20 profit. Write an essay explaining how you feel about this as a way to make money. Topic for discussion: How did the birds and squirrels feel?"
Son: "Well, my history professor suggested that I use the Internet for research and it's been very helpful.
Mother: "Really?"
Son: "Yes, so far I've located 17 people who sell them!"
A: The pilot has a heart attack, and the air-traffic controller talks a flight attendant through takeoff.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up
to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious
beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen
at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children
never have time to eat it.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of our visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and
pant.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is
necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening
manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion,
volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a
child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
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