wow... 2004. who thought we'd make it this far? all you y2k fools... you know exactly who you are. if you're blushing, contemplating closing this window and/or thinking of an excuse... you're the y2k fool i'm talking about. it's okay though, i love you. y'know the love of my 14 year old life, nick carter, he was a y2k fool... i had just as much love for his ass after i knew he probably cried on the stroke of midnight in 1999. i wonder what happened to that poor soul, i hope he's okay and doesn't walk around with too much shame. last i heard, his mom was attacking his dad's girlfriend. ouch.
so my birthday's coming up... the big one-nine. that's right folks, i'll be old enough to drink myself into an oblivion... in canada anyway. i am completely ready to talk on the drinking world... responsibly, that's a different question. since i don't have my driver's license, i'd be breaking a few laws by drinking and driving... that would hurt. what advice would you give to a chick going to jail... beware of strap-ons? i digress. i'm really excited about it, as excited as i can be. if i had it my way, i'd fly all the people i love into toronto and party it up with them... and get my 19 bangs that are well-deserved. since i really can't do that, i'll get drunk off my ass and share my stories and pictures with the peeps i love.
i'm finally getting into the whole dating thing... i'm still too chicken shit to tell the guy i wanna do him on his motorcycle though. i believe it's possible, and i hope he'll suggest it soon. other than that, everything's good. we're talking about things that i would never talk about usually... did i mention he's 7 years older than me? figures he's dating me... men who are old enough to know better are always looking for young girls who don't. i'm still longing for that love though... i just want to be irresistible to someone... i just want to be in love.
i went to the toronto maple leafs skills competition on sunday... i think that's where this longing for love started again. i re-fell in love with mikael renberg and tomas kaberle... it's quite unhealthy actually. all i really want is for a man to love me completely, a strong man. i want to be needed and desired... by micke or kabby. i need help, and lots of it.
i'm really getting heavy into my music again. lately i'm loving the beatles like no other, and my one fear i had while avoiding them is coming true... i wish i could have seen them play live. i'm still obsessed with john, the guitar god of my world... today i found myself closing my eyes and seeing his music. it was near-orgasmic. i love music like that, music that makes you see love happen and makes you feel. i want to marry music... or at least a music man. i'm a tiny dancer in your hands.
i really don't know why i'm updating this thing... it's such a pain in my ass. i don't know, maybe i think i owe it to my faithful following... all two of you. this is definitely one of my creative outlets... it feels good to know that someone could be reading my thoughts. that someone doesn't even have to relate to them, or have answers to my questions... just the fact that someone is reading this makes my day brighter.
xo - cyndi
blackbird singing in the dead of
night
take these broken wings and learn
to fly
all your life
you were only waiting for this moment
to arise