so it's remembrance day today. on this very day, i miss school. at least in school, we would commemorate it somehow... with a moment of silence at 11:11 am... and/or with a video. remembrance day was always... celebrated. celebrated is not correct word. essentially... remembrance day was always remembered. so i only feel that it is my obligation to inform the uninformed with a poem written by John McRae, In Flanders Fields. that's right folks, it deserves capitals.

i'm not one for history, but i am one for veterans. i have a general concern for those who had to live through the war... for those who saw their friends die... for those who lost loved ones. i think we owe it to them to pay our respects, if not by the damn government with a holiday, then by us regular, unheroic citizens by placing a simple poppy on our hearts. is that too much to ask? lest we forget.

i don't know if it's the day that's got me down, or if it's a combination of things. my dog, my everlasting nostalgic feeling, christmas, my longing for love. it's all plaguing. i'll knock 'em down one by one... but for now, i'll bore you with my burden. where's joe firstman?

so my dog is having problems. to be blunt, she can't shit. we can't figure out what's wrong with her, so at the end of the year, we might put her down. when i walk her, and i see her in so much pain... it pains me. i can't stand to see her suffering. and i feel so guilty... i don't want to put her down because i'll miss her too much. it's so selfish of me... i hate it. i'm trying to wrap my head around the concept of "she'll be in a better place" but it's hard. and i'm sure this isn't the life she chose, but sometimes she's honestly dog-gone happy... i live for those spurts of playfulness and love-bites. i know inevitably she's going to have to go, i suppose it's better that i know now and try to come to terms with it before it actually happens. i still have two months to enjoy the bond we share. as bittersweet as it may be, i have to take advantage of it.

for the past few days i've had this insatiable yearning for the past. not the '80s or '90s past... just the past few years. back to when i discovered john mayer. who? i miss that... i miss freaking out over finding a new song, or bawling my eyes out over a new lyric that punched me in the gut. i miss discovering him like that. i miss the days when i didn't know the words to why did you mess with forever and when my love for him was so... individual. now, millions of girls ache for a brush of john mayer air... i can't stand that. i can't help but feel this pang of hate when i see these girls, who don't know the lyrics, in the front row... all for a chance eye meet with the man himself. i miss the days when your body was just a cute, simple song... now it's a cute, simple song that has millions of girls soiling themselves. you really want to soil yourself? try In Your Atmosphere... Covered In Rain... Everything's Not Broken... yes, with capitals. tell me how you feel after listening to that shit. typical response i plan on hearing "that wuz like sooo awesome". ugh. it's not that i think i'm a better john fan, i just wish that his fans knew what was up. heavier things? that's not talent, go download the jamming version of Covered In Rain. that's where it's at... that's the shit. emotional guitar riffs with amazing lyrics to boot... but wait... you might not understand it. on second thought, just stick to wonderland. it likes you. and for those concerned--i re-fell love with john. read this article, you'll know why.

Christmas... what a glorious holiday. me... i see past the commercial "buy a gift to tell someone you love them" bullshit. i see the joy that the mere cold snow and music bring to people's lives. i see the kids who spend hours upon hours outside, building their forts and catching snow on their tongue. i see the smiles that chicken soup, hot cocoa and a warm fireplace bring to families. i see me basking in all the glory that the season brings my way. once i see snow, i am instantly lifted into that 7-year-old mind frame and i go out to make snow angels and disturb winter's ideal landscape. once i hear Christmas music, my heart becomes a little lighter and i have more room to love more people. i love everything about the true meaning of the winter season... except i hate that it has to end. that's why Christmas irks me... i know it has to end. once it ends and the snow turns to slush, the world become a colder place, the opposite of the natural occurrences of the season. i wish i could capture the spirit of Christmas and let a little bit out everyday, just to give the world that boost of acceptance and love until the next Christmas. and why is it that we need a holiday such as this to realize that we should love and appreciate our fellow man... those we know and those we have yet to meet? it just makes no sense... with all the fighting, the disagreements and the war, you'd think people would try to love a little more all year round.

and love... love is not pretending. maybe it's because i'm living on the edge of yet another romantic winter season... but i'm longing for love. and not that friendship love, i have that. i'm longing for the warm stares, happy kisses and familiar smells. i'm longing for that slow dance to no music, that feeling you get when you know someone is watching you, and then that feeling you get when you catch that someone watching you. i'm longing for the compilation cd's and the late night telephone calls to hear a loving voice. i'm longing for those conversations over movies, the ones that happen because you can't stop talking to each other, even through a movie. i'm longing for that certain song, you know, our song, and for the cheesy, but serious way the lyrics just flow from your mouth when you talk. i'm longing for love. but for now, until love should happen... i'll sit here with my self-purchased lindor chocolate and eat it as though it was a gift from my special someone. i love you honey, wherever you are.

20 days until fake Christmas trees are up, until choirs get to sing their month long rehearsed merry songs in public, until people start spreading joy. have yourself a merry little pre-Christmas.

xo - Cyndi

the autumn leaves
so dry and sweet
tells me everything is not broken
if everything's not fine

cyndi's world