i was thinking... how many people actually know who they truly are? not many people that i know of. if i don't soul search, i'll fit right in. but i can't... i'm completely unhappy not knowing myself. i can't go on living without figuring myself out.
it's funny... of all the people in the world who would be a mystery to me... i never guessed i'd be a puzzle for myself as well. maybe i can look at this as a positive experience. except i can't really see the light at the end of the tunnel.
i just have to look at life as a learning experience. of course i'm not going to know everything now... i have to experience life first. once i experience things... i'll begin to figure out who i am.
do you think it's shallow that i learned this from listening to unfold? i think it is... i mean... i couldn't come to this conclusion by myself... i needed a person to sing it to me. it's not so much shallow as it is... pitiful i suppose. maybe i need what jenny needed... i need a self-esteem boost. i can't remember the last time someone complimented me for the person i was... i just want someone to tell me that i'm a good person and that i'm heading in the right direction. i want someone to care for me just because they can... not because they have to. i want someone to hold me and tell me they'll stand by me forever. i want something steady in my life. i want to be a better person on my own.
maybe i should lock myself in a room with white walls and think about life. torture myself for my own philosophies.
why can't i just be that person who smokes, drinks and parties all the time. i'm sure that person doesn't have this problem. sure she has other problems... but nothing that couldn't be helped out with a pill.
xo - cyndi
and i want to say that it's
not always easy - but it's simple that way
and i want to stay and play
it out but i still have my doubts
so you say it gets better
it only gets better
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saturday, september 20th, 2003
this is part two.
i figure... i'll learn about myself as i go on living and experiencing different things. i know what i believe in... i believe there is a god and i believe that you get into heaven if you've been a little dirty. nothing that a little soap and water won't take off. i value my happiness a lot... probably not what i value the most but it's important. and i know who i am... i'm a quirky person... i love to have fun... i am kind of bi-polar... i let music affect far too much... i love who i am. so what if i don't know the meaning of life... who does? i appreciate the fact that i can sit here write in my journal 2:56 in the morning. i don't, however, appreciate the fact that i'm hungry.
i suppose my problem is that i just want to be different... a lot of rkoper's are like me... well they resemble me... i'm not feeling that. but there's really nothing i can do... and i want to become more musically cultured. i already have an action plan for that tough. in a magazine that mraz is in he lists 20 songs and calls it make-out songs, break-up songs and one for that orgy at the gay bar. i love him. and i don't think it's bad that music and mraz inspires me... i appreciate the fact that i have that inspiration. i love everything.
so i guess you're glad to know i'm not so depressed anymore. although i want to move forward and onto bigger and better things... i am still quite content living the life i lead. with a few minor adjustments... it'll be an enviable life. okay not really...
that is all. and i heart you. *mwah*
xo - cyndi
this will all make perfect
sense someday
i'll be a-okay