Title: The Helping Hand of VJB 3/7
Author: quew
Please see part one for disclaimers, archiving info and everything else.
Notes: This is were the story disappears into the realm of crazy, bypassing sanity city and 'I don't think this is a good idea' town on the way.
#
'What're we going to do? What're we going to do??' quew asked, turning to the other three for help.
'We should've have stayed with the others; they have more resources,' Nicole said.
Wyrd shook her head. 'Look, they think we're a buncha layabouts! The only way ta clear our names is ta find those damn muses and *censored* the living *censored* outta them and then maybe *censored**censored* their *censored* if we can find a *censored* large enough!'
'I can see exactly what you're saying there, Wyrdy,' quew said, nodding seriously. 'But were would you find a *censored* that *censored*? I left the catalogue on the ship.' Everyone slowed and looked at her, and quew felt a blush start. 'Not that I own one of those *censored* things or anything,' she amended quickly.
'Er, guys?' Nicole asked. 'Why can't we say *censored*?'
The others paused and rewound the conversation they'd just had in their heads, and one by one their faces went pale.
'Oh /*censored*/!!' quew yelled. 'That means the TPTB are close!'
Wyrd reached into her belt and pulled out something that looked a lot like the modern version of two cups on a string. Adjusting the little antenna on the bottom, she pointed it roughly in the direction that RalSt and the others were and spoke into the hole in front of her.
'Wryd ta RalSt! Come in, RalSt!'
They waited a moment, and then RalSt's voice floated out through the metal cup, sounding slightly tinny. 'Wyrd! Where the hell are you?'
'Never mind that, Captain,' Nicole said, leaning forward to talk into the cup. 'TBTP are coming!'
'How do you know?'
'Try saying something rude, ma'am.'
'What? Now?'
'Yes.'
'Okay�*censored*!�What the hell! You're right!'
#
'The first stage is the strange censorship of swearing. Soon, we won't be able to say anything that could pertain to any part of the lower body at all, then it gets worse - no flirting, no inappropriate humour, /nothing/. The affects that have been dogging you these past seven years are nothing compared to what will happen if we let them get full control of the ship. You see, they send their�well, we call them 'Legal Storm Troopers'�.to shut down the fandom, leaving the ship and all of you solely in their possession,' RalSt explained.
'You said we can't say anything to do with body-parts�Like�' Tom looked incredulous. 'Like toes?'
'Try saying you want to suck them.'
'Excuse me??' Tom said, looking around at Voyagers crew, who were all looking slightly shocked.
'Just try it.'
'Ok�' He shrugged and then put on his best 'You want to get to know me face', sidling up to a VJB team member.
'Hey cutie,' He said, leaning forward. She leant back correspondingly, and he leant forward again until she was nearly bent back at right angles. 'I'd love to suck your *censored*.'
The Voyager crew started as the censorship came into affect, and no one looked more shaken than Tom himself. 'Oh my�! I can't flirt! I can't sweet talk people! I'm finished!' Then he burst into tears and ran off down the corridor. The last they heard of him, he was pulling aside random crewmembers and screaming, 'I want to *censored* your *censored*! For the love of *censored* why can't I *censored*!!? Waahahahahargrgrghhh!'
'Harry�' Janeway sighed, hitting her com-badge. 'Tom's having an episode, please find him and try and calm him down before he does something stupid.'
'#Yes ma'am!#' Harry the eternal ensign replied enthusiastically.
The poor VJBer he'd hit on had to be helped upright, and RalSt put a comforting arm around her shoulders as she shook. 'It's okay,' she said soothingly. 'That must have been terrible for you, it's okay.' She handed her to two sympathetic VJBers and then turned back to the captain, shaking her head.
'�We need to talk, Captain�.'
#
'What're we going to do??' quew asked again, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet nervously.
'Tori?' Wyrd asked, turning to the forth member of their team. 'What do you think?'
'I think we should have some fun,' Tori said, smiling. 'Lets party!'
'That's a good plan,' quew said, nodding appreciatively at Tori.
Wyrd rolled her eyes. 'What exactly do you do anyway, quew?'
'Well��errr�' quew said, scratching her nose thoughtfully and slightly desperately.
Just as quew was about to try to define what it was she gave to VJB, they heard the sounds of laughter and violent fighting.
'Quick!' Nicole said, pushing the other three into an alcove that was barely big enough for one. With the four of them in there, it became difficult to tell who's hands and legs were who's.
'Who has their hand on my *censored*?' quew asked.
'Shush!'
The four of them froze in awkward tableau as a gaggle of people and Klingons stumbled past, passing bottles around the group and alternating between fighting and�well, something that would've been *censored*.
After much embarrassed fumbling and rubbing of numb limbs, the four of them re-grouped in the corridor. Their communicators crackled into life and they heard that TPTB's troops had boarded the vessel. RalSt was leading the charge Captain-Janeway-in-Macrocosm style and BT had nearly finished helping the engineers of Voyager to recalibrate their ship for warp ten, and so, the renegade faction of VJB decided to deal with the muses themselves.
'Should we tie something round our heads and strip down to our vests? It always seems to work on films,' quew suggested.
'Anything's worth a try at this point,' Tori said. 'Y'all wear vests?' Wyrdy asked, raising an eyebrow.
'Who, us? No, only old men wear vests,' quew snorted, wrapping her arms round her midriff and trying to look like someone who wouldn't wear a vest if you paid her, 'What're we going to do about the muses?'
'Good question,' Nicole said. 'I think I know just what to do�'